Openness to information between spouses

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Whatever works for you.

There is no model, no right or wrong way.

I’ve said previously, 90% of marital arguments revolve around:
Money
Sex
Religion

Come to an agreement about the money, and you’re 30+% in the clear to fight about other things!😃
 
We have have two accounts one joint and one that is in my husbands name only (Its the same CU that he’s used since high school) We pay bills out of one, he is the only one who can withdraw from that account but I can transfer money out to our household account if need be.

Usually I tell my DH “I need 150.00 for groceries this week” or whatever the amount is. As for CC I have none in my name and I am not listed as a user on any of my DH. I am fine with that. He handles all the money, so all the bills are in his name too.

As for passwords, I do know it for his email and he might know my personal email but I know my work email he has no idea. It doesn’t really bother me or him. We don’t feel that we can’t trust each other, so why read each other’s email? (Actually today is the first time in 4 years I’ve even been tempted and its only because I am turning 30 next weekend. I had a friend suggest a couple of months ago that I might like a suprise party (because he’d never think of something like that on his own) anyways, I am just curious if he did anything:) )
 
Separate accounts and assets have nothing to do with trust, it’s the clearest sign there is no trust in the marriage at all. If there’s any real trust then that should extend to everything, there is no more “mine” and “hers,” only what is ours. Nor does real trust happen to be an asset protection scheme in case of divorce. It’s like claiming a prenup is “proof” of trust, just the opposite, it’s the assumption the marriage will end in divorce. When did marriage ever have anything to do with “independance?” The very definitation of that is to be on your own, an independant state is self ruled and answers to no one. Marriage is about dependence, complete unity with another person. A “marriage” of independance sounds more like roommates that just happen to sleep together. Each their own I guess 🤷
 
I agree in theory with what CCM08 said. When I get married I would like to be able to have the attitude that everything is “ours” instead of keeping things separate, which would detract from our closeness in the marriage.

HOWEVER when I was leaving school, the headmistress gave us all some parting advice, which was never ever to loose our ‘skills’ through not using them (i.e. make sure that we stay employable) and always to have an independent source of money that nobody knows about:eek: (i went to an all-girls school btw so this was aimed just at women).

I know how cynical the advice sounded but isn’t it sensible to protect yourself, particularly as a woman? It tends to be that women are at the greater risk of poverty in the event that a divorce does happen (and obviously i hope that this never does happen to me)

I guess I’m torn between being idealistic, wating to trust, and also wanting to protect myself. What do people think?

Sarah
 
richardsgirl said:
I agree in theory with what CCM08 said. When I get married I would like to be able to have the attitude that everything is “ours” instead of keeping things separate, which would detract from our closeness in the marriage.

HOWEVER when I was leaving school, the headmistress gave us all some parting advice, which was never ever to loose our ‘skills’ through not using them (i.e. make sure that we stay employable) and always to have an independent source of money that nobody knows about:eek: (i went to an all-girls school btw so this was aimed just at women).

I know how cynical the advice sounded but isn’t it sensible to protect yourself, particularly as a woman? It tends to be that women are at the greater risk of poverty in the event that a divorce does happen (and obviously i hope that this never does happen to me)

I guess I’m torn between being idealistic, wating to trust, and also wanting to protect myself. What do people think?

Sarah
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My husband and I were talking about having separate checking accounts last night and came to the same conclusion CCM08 did. We would rather be on the same page regarding Money then just avoiding the fights. That doesn’t mean we never have disagreements but its been a long time since we have had a real money fight. We both know whats going on with the money. I normally pay the bills and stuff and he is really good about know exactly how much extra with have.

As for keeping money hidden just for you. I don’t know I’m of the opinion if you planning for the marriage to fall apart you have one foot out the door already. Personally I would trust and know that if some bad did happen God would take care of you. I really feel that its a good idea to burn the boats when you get married. Marriages is HARD even in the best cases and at some point you are going to want to leave and having a way out would just be more temptation not to work things out imo. If for some reason he did turn out to be abusive and you really needed to leave is family you could call? In that case I’d just go by the ATM on my way out 😉
 
EVERYTHING in our marriage is open… all accounts and purchases are done in both names.
We write down our passwords on the same piece of paper next to the computer… there are no secrets!

Although I don’t routinely check the credit card (I have all the passwords, though), because I know my husband likes to surprise me a lot of the time… so I avoid looking so that the surprises (whatever they may be… flowers or anything) are a REAL surprise. 🙂
 
We did the separate accounts thing at first. It caused problems. Now everything is together. There are no secrets. Much better for the relationship that way.
 
Jay2 said:
It just kills me that nobody here will trust their own spouse with having money that isn’t allocated/dictated!
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Thanks jay for your insight.

For most of us with joint accounts and total openness - Trust is absolute and complete. No limitations. We are both free to spend all of it on whatever it is we please - no discussions needed. That’s complete trust of all of it - not just an allocated portion.

We trust each other to make any and all purchases for the good of the family wether we discuss them with each other or not. We trust each other that for large dollars we’d have the courtesy to discuss it first. Again - that’s total trust to be judicious in your spending. It works for us and is quite liberating actually.

I do agree that most folks should find out where they stand before they get married and agree on whatever strategy they feel is best for their marriage. Get those finances under control - or they will control you. God Bless.
 
I agree that spouses should share all things. It never occured to dh and I to have spearate checking accounts, separate credit cards, password protect our email, etc.

I mainly see things like that in couples that marry later in life–simply because they are used to how they had things set up. Or in couples that have a more “disposable” attitude towards marrige.
 
dulcissima said:
I think even married people have a right to privacy. I don’t need to know about every conversation they have, and they don’t need to know about every conversation I have. I do think that there is a difference between secrecy and privacy. I think that privacy is an indication of respect, and secrecy is an indication of disrespect.
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I agree with your definition, but I’m not sure that means I have to password-protect my email.

My husband doesn’t read every email we receive or listen in on my phone conversations. I don’t feel the need to report to him on every conversation I have. As it happens, after years or marrigae and living in the same town, we know all the same people and our friends are mostly couples that we spend time with as couples. So many conversations are joint, or news that one of us hears separately is of interest to the other. I’m not talking gossip or private revelations–just stuff like, “Hey honey, Susie Jones told me today that they are buying another new car!”

As for gifts and the like, yes we use ‘family’ money for that, but it is the thought, time, and enegy that goes into thinking of the gift and presenting it that has more effect than the cost.
 
Oh believe me, it has nothing to do with a disposable attitude toward marriage. As a matter of fact, when I was engaged, my fiance used these exact words to tell me why we should have everything jointly. “If two people have separate bank accounts, that’s more like just two roommates sleeping together. Why even get married.”

No one was more eager than I to liquidate my accounts and put the assets in his account that he added my name to. Matter of fact, my own mother told me to keep one credit card in my name. It was our first fight as an enaged couple. He told me she was interfering and a busybody. (She was also at the point of seeing long-time friends being dumped after 20 years for new and younger wives. And these women had no credit in their name. And one good friend with eight kids was scrubbing toilets in people’s houses for cash so she could afford health care because her husband left her for his secretary.)

Fact is, 50 percent of Catholic marriages end in divorce. NO ONE is divorce proof. If you think you are, you’re a newly-wed or naive.

So how did our first fight end? I trusted him and got rid of my credit cards. And for a few years everything was hunky dory. We had joint everything. And I had no money of my own. Because the kind of man who won’t say “keep a card in your name as a sign of my goodwill and trust in you, because I don’t ever want you to feel financially at my mercy” is the very kind of man who will cancel the cards behind your back and leave you, even though he claimed he never would.

No, I’m not the kind who has a foot out the door. I was just very badly burned by the kind of man who used that “oneness” rhetoric when it suited him. But then he took joint money and hid it and I had ten years of unemployment and no job or assets of my own when he left. I should have listened to my mother. She was the voice of experience.

I believed couples should have everything in common too. So did he. An example of how you can believe the same thing for completely opposite reasons, and then get burned down the road.

And this doesn’t just apply to divorce. Widows also can have trouble getting credit in their own name if the husband dies. This isn’t just about going into marriage prepared for divorce. Take the whole theory to it’s absurd conclusion, why do we send our daughters to college at all, because isn’t that making them employable outside the home and hedging their bets if there is a divorce? Why not just marry them off at 18 and hope for the best?

You can marry with the best intentions. You can plan to celebrate your 50th anniversary and have 50 years of joint finances. But people can turn evil. They can break vows. I will NEVER be a party to sending one of my daughters into a situation where they can’t fill their empty gas tank with three babies in the car because their JOINT credit card was revoked behind their back. (And no, I didn’t have cash. By that time, if he sent me in with a $5 and a tape to return to Blockbuster, he demanded his $1.35 change back.)

Those of you who have never been in a relationship like this cannot judge those of us who now think we would be fools to ever think it can’t happen to anyone. A generous and trustworthy man would tell his fiancee to do whatever made her feel comfortable and secure. The kind that would insist on her removing her self-protection… well, he’s probably the last person who deserves that trust. Some people use finances to chain someone to them. That isn’t marriage. At least not a marriage of equals. Usually the woman has the most to lose if things go badly.
 
Jay2 said:
It just kills me that nobody here will trust their own spouse with having money that isn’t allocated/dictated!
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It doesn’t seem like everyone here is of that line of thought. I certainly trust my husband and we purchase stuff on our own without consulting each other. He left the finances up to me though, because I keep better track of it, and he does ask me sometimes how we’re doing money-wise before he goes out to buy something not really needed. Whatever works best for each couple. We had the separate accounts in the beginning of our marriage, although it was much easier once we combine them. But he has a separate “funny-money” account for his 18th Century Revolutionary War Reenactment. It can be an expensive hobby!!!
 
I am well aware of those dangers to women. Sharing finances and being open with each other doesn’t mean the woman has to have no credit history.

I think your mother’s suggestion was a sound one. But I wouldn’t then say the husband has done something awful if he opens the statement from that card at the same time as he opens all the other mail.

There are definately issues with our credit and banking industry, when they’ll deny credit to a woman whose husband has died.

But I don’t know if we should counsel every young woman getting married to be suspious and secretive about all money matters as a way to compensate. I agree that woman have the most to lose and I do think a sensitive husband would not have problems with his wife or her family making good suggestions to safeguard her.
Liberanosamalo said:
And this doesn’t just apply to divorce. Widows also can have trouble getting credit in their own name if the husband dies. This isn’t just about going into marriage prepared for divorce. Take the whole theory to it’s absurd conclusion, why do we send our daughters to college at all, because isn’t that making them employable outside the home and hedging their bets if there is a divorce? Why not just marry them off at 18 and hope for the best?

Those of you who have never been in a relationship like this cannot judge those of us who now think we would be fools to ever think it can’t happen to anyone. A generous and trustworthy man would tell his fiancee to do whatever made her feel comfortable and secure. The kind that would insist on her removing her self-protection… well, he’s probably the last person who deserves that trust. Some people use finances to chain someone to them. That isn’t marriage. At least not a marriage of equals. Usually the woman has the most to lose if things go badly.
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You are exactly right! But had I kept a card and H opened the statement, it would have been a constant source of argument that I was keeping a card from before we were married. He was that kind of person.

I’m all for openness. My marriage problems became more serious when that openness all of a sudden become one-sided and funds were shifted behind my back.

Openness is a sign of a healthy marriage. I just had to add my two cents about the whole concept of making EVERYTHING joint. I never said have NO joint accounts. But I tried that and regretted it eventually. A good husband would want his wife to be able to function if something happened to him.

I’ve seen this issue with military associates. Husbands get deployed and wives have NO idea how to run a checking account, or where the money is. Some think that they have money till the checks run out! (My sister handled this when her husband’s unit deployed. She was the point of contact for the young enlisted wives of the men under his command. There’s a lot of women who need to become more of a partner before they have to do it on their own in a bad situation.)
 
I kinda find it hard to believe that anyone today would have trouble getting a credit card. Dogs and kids get them every day.
 
That is true. I eventually got another one also. But it’s a little hard when they ask for your income and you don’t have any.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
That is true. I eventually got another one also. But it’s a little hard when they ask for your income and you don’t have any.
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Dogs and kids don’t’ have incomes 😉 Neither do a lot of the college students that are mass marketed too.
 
Jay2 said:
.

Marriage bonded us Spiritually, not in earthly physical terms.
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I really don’t mean to nitpick but this just really jumped out at me. In my understanding of Catholicism. ‘Spiritual’ and ‘Physical’ is not surgically separated, especially when it comes to marriage.

I do understand that this type of marriage works for many people that are posting here, but at the same time it strikes me that if two people entering into a marriage feel like they give up independance and individuality by being completely open and accessable to each other than it sends off all sorts of warning bells for me.
Please correct me if I’m wrong, but the Catholic understanding of marriage is of dependance not independance (Independance is more of an American ‘way of life’), isn’t it?
Also individuality is not defined by separate money, information, etc. It’s inherent in the unique soul that God created you.

It seems to me, when discerning marriage with someone, if allowing access to all parts of your combined life together to the other person would only be seen as stifling or encouraging the other person to be nosey about ‘all conversations’ etc., then that is indicative of much bigger issues.

As I said, it might work for others, but it doesn’t line up with Catholic theology for me.

P.S. As you can already tell, I tend to write in run-on sentences. :o
 
richardsgirl said:
I agree in theory with what CCM08 said. When I get married I would like to be able to have the attitude that everything is “ours” instead of keeping things separate, which would detract from our closeness in the marriage.

HOWEVER when I was leaving school, the headmistress gave us all some parting advice, which was never ever to loose our ‘skills’ through not using them (i.e. make sure that we stay employable) and always to have an independent source of money that nobody knows about:eek: (i went to an all-girls school btw so this was aimed just at women).

I know how cynical the advice sounded but isn’t it sensible to protect yourself, particularly as a woman? It tends to be that women are at the greater risk of poverty in the event that a divorce does happen (and obviously i hope that this never does happen to me)

I guess I’m torn between being idealistic, wating to trust, and also wanting to protect myself. What do people think?

Sarah
Click to expand...
I actually think it’s good for women to work and to be a part of the household finances. We have so much technology these days that keeping a house just isn’t a full time job anymore. When you’ve got the kids in school 7-8 hours a day I think it’s totally unreasonable to expect a woman to stay home. However, if a man has secret money he’s being dishonest, and as such the fair part of me can only say it’s exactly the same if women do it. Women that have educations and work aren’t in any danger of poverty in a divorce. Women that moved out of poverty by getting married certainly may move back into it by divorce, but again that has a lot to do with what feminism has demanded. You should have a job, it shouldn’t be a secret. How would react to finding out your husband was hiding money from you?
 
I also think the notion that separate finances prevent financial problems in the marriage is quite silly. If you have spouse A that has problems with their spending in a system with combine finances spouse B can help them and keep them accountable. If they’re separate then spouse B may certainly be keeping his/her financial house in order while spouse A’s checking accounts are over drawn and the credit cards maxed out. Spouse B then doesn’t find out about it until they need to make a combine credit purchase like a home or a car. Of course at that point spouse B is going to upset with spouse A that they can’t get the car or house they’d had an eye on. That would cause a lot more resentment then a little overspending on a combine account. It’s easier to fill a ditch than it is to fill the Grand Canyon.
 
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