Opinions on marrying young?

[Sarcelle]

My mother once told me that one of her fears was me marrying early and not going to college.

I asked her if she was disappointed in me because I was not married. She said no. She was never one who pushed for grandchildren.

Some people who push for early marriage come from those Christian sects that view women as perpetual minors and the most important thing that a woman brings to the marriage is her fertility. Not her maturity or her virtues but her beauty and fertility. After all it is the man who will make the decisions anyway.

Some Catholics think that too. One Catholic blogger once opined that a women should never be financially independent of a man. He never pronounced it sin but he said in Catholic countries that should be made the law of the land, make it illegal for a woman to have her own income. I wonder what the punishment would be.

 

[Lea101]

Marrying early is not wise IMO

Many young people are not mature enough to understand true love, a lot of my friends (18-21 ish) think love is a feeling (that how they feel towards their husband will be how they feel 10 years later). And then when the passion fades: divorce.

Of course, older people believe that too but in this era, many young people are not exposed to authentic love (thanks media!). They crave it, but they don’t understand it fully. After a few heartbeaks and life lessons or meeting good rolemodels, they understand it a bit more. It’s very unlikely that they learn about authentic love in college, for example.

It all depends on the couple’s maturity, to sum up.

 

[RPRPsych]

My mother once told me that one of her fears was me marrying early and not going to college.

I asked her if she was disappointed in me because I was not married. She said no. She was never one who pushed for grandchildren.

She sounds like a very wise person. Most of the mothers I know express such ideas, but abandon them when they see their contemporaries’ cute grandchildren. (Can I hear an “Agoo”?)

Some people who push for early marriage come from those Christian sects that view women as perpetual minors and the most important thing that a woman brings to the marriage is her fertility. Not her maturity or her virtues but her beauty and fertility. After all it is the man who will make the decisions anyway.

I think those views are more prevalent among certain fringe Evangelical groups. They usually go hand in hand with draconian ideas about child-rearing and harsh forms of physical punishment, and sometimes even with “domestic discipline” (= beating one’s wife ) Again, your choice of the word “sect” is very apt in this context.

Some Catholics think that too. One Catholic blogger once opined that a women should never be financially independent of a man. He never pronounced it sin but he said in Catholic countries that should be made the law of the land, make it illegal for a woman to have her own income. I wonder what the punishment would be.

Huh? I’ve never heard that one yet. But that’s perhaps because I’ve been walking on the wild side of the blogosphere, where women are praised for writing long blogs about the evils of Pope Francis. Who was this fine fellow? I’m genuinely curious, plus I need a few minor villains for my ongoing RPG.

 

[Sarcelle]

She sounds like a very wise person. Most of the mothers I know express such ideas, but abandon them when they see their contemporaries’ cute grandchildren. (Can I hear an “Agoo”?)

I think those views are more prevalent among certain fringe Evangelical groups. They usually go hand in hand with draconian ideas about child-rearing and harsh forms of physical punishment, and sometimes even with “domestic discipline” (= beating one’s wife ) Again, your choice of the word “sect” is very apt in this context.

Huh? I’ve never heard that one yet. But that’s perhaps because I’ve been walking on the wild side of the blogosphere, where women are praised for writing long blogs about the evils of Pope Francis. Who was this fine fellow? I’m genuinely curious, plus I need a few minor villains for my ongoing RPG.

If I remember right, this fine fellow is actually a respected Catholic blogger. I think it was Anthony Esolen. Although I could be wrong. It’s been years since I read his works. I agree with him in some things and disagree with him in others.

 

[mommy_k]

I agree that waiting until you are established is better. I attended 2 weddings where the bride was about 18 and the groom was about 20.
The families were pretty well off. The new couples had homes purchased for them as wedding gifts so they were free to attend school and just work to pay for groceries etc. But they really were still dependant on their parents for a while.

This was not done because of religious beliefs either. I’m rare cases like this I would say it is ok, but for the most part imho young people should be established before.

 

[jilly4ski]

Maybe someone else has the statistics, but I am curious about the divorce rate of people who marry from 18-21 and people who marry between 30 and 32. In 44 years, I have never heard anyone say that they wish that they didn’t wait to get married. I have talked to at least 100 who wished they had waited.

Typically, the only people who don’t think waiting is a good idea, are under 25 who should be thinking about school, careers, and having a strong financial footing before other people rely on them.

I disagree, typically the older the couple is the less time is spent waiting for marriage. (If you have a significant other, who you could marry, not talking about people who have not found someone to marry) especially if you want to start a family. Many of my college friends who are just now getting married in their late 20s and early 30s met and married their partners in less than three years. While I was quite young when I met my future husband (17), we were together 6 years before marrying when I was 22 (he was 24).

 

[WJeffrey]

I disagree, typically the older the couple is the less time is spent waiting for marriage. (If you have a significant other, who you could marry, not talking about people who have not found someone to marry) especially if you want to start a family. Many of my college friends who are just now getting married in their late 20s and early 30s met and married their partners in less than three years. While I was quite young when I met my future husband (17), we were together 6 years before marrying when I was 22 (he was 24).

If you have been together for 6 years, your relationship is a lot more mature than many others. Especially if you were exclusive for four years of adulthood.

Pay attention in conversations when this topic is mentioned. I think you will find that the only people who think it is a good idea are under 30. I’d bet most are 25 or under with most of them being under 21. It is beneficial for a lifelong relationship for both parties to have more life experience upon making the commitment.

I know my maturity level and worldview is far different today at 44, than it was at 34, 24 or 18. My wife died, but I can tell you that I probably would be a better husband today than I was in my late 20’s when I married. All in all, I think people would have called me a good husband. Today, my life experience has made me a much better person and I think I would be a better husband.

I’ll say a prayer for your marriage. Based on your answer, it sounds like your marriage is fruitful and successful.

 

[columbkille77]

I imagine it would be fantastically difficult for a young couple to remain chaste from 18 to 25. The cultural requirement that people wait until they are “mature” (generally above 25, and where I live in the DC area, often above 30 and approaching female fertility decline) makes fornication extremely likely (and, in my area, difficulty with conception when the marriage finally happens common, resulting in families smaller than the couple would have liked).

I met my wife-to-be at 21. We didn’t get married until I was 28 (and even then, only after some gentle pressure). Unfortunately we also weren’t chaste (I have since been to confession, although I need to go again for other reasons). In retrospect, there was no reason we couldn’t have been married at 23 or 24, and in almost any other era in history, we would have been.

I agree the couple should wait a year or two to be sure, though, and to discuss a plan for their future family (how will they provide for kids, always a possibility even with NFP, at such a young age).

 

[Rosebud77]

I think that in some circles, waiting a long time to marry is no big deal because the norm is to date, live together, possibly even have a kid or two, THEN get married. Some also really see marriage as “just a piece of paper” and that the only difference between marriage and cohabiting, is that marriage carries the risk of divorce, and so should only be entered into after many years of dating/cohabitation, to minimize that risk.

Or, they really do find the wedding more important than the marriage, for they see a wedding not as marking the start of a totally new phase of a relationship, but as merely a public celebration of a relationship that is already fully established,

Resonating with this as this is a definite trend here in Ireland.

One of the first young women I met had a small baby. Living with the father. They both had very big families and when she got pregnant, they needed some where to live NOT the massive expense of an Irish wedding. And I mean massive.

She was troublled by it so I said I would ask the Friar i knew well if there was some way they could bless the union. He immediattely said, " We will marry them!" He took the wedding preparation classes etc.

So began hidden preparations for a secret wedding! Smiling at the memory! I made the cake and did the flowers, … she wanted wild flowers and it was summer… In a small country church they were married… with the toddler running around

I have heard of others striving to find a simple way like this. Or waiting; one wedding I was at had the couple;s 8 year old son as best man.

 

[pensmama87]

My husband and I got engaged our senior year of college - he was almost 22, and I was almost 21. We delayed marriage a couple of years until we were both done with graduate school.

Looking back, I think we would have been fine to get married as soon as we graduated. Part of why we didn’t was that we thought, “Nah, that’s just too young.” But it wasn’t, not really.

We both would have been too immature at 18. Plus, we didn’t meet each other until after.

I think much depends on the maturity of the individuals. In today’s society, I think more people want to be treated as adults in their late teens, but lack the capacity to actually behave as adults. If I had a child who wanted to marry at 18, I would most likely ask them to wait a little while at the least, but individual factors would come into play. I wouldn’t rule out the possibility entirely.

 

[Oneofthewomen]

I think it all depends on the couple and what they believe marriage to be about.

Sadly, in the US, it is mostly just an excuse to have a big party and for the bride to have “her day as a princess”.

I met my husband when I was 17, he was 20. When started dating a few months later, I had turned 18. Just before my 21st birthday, we decided to get married. Had we not done it then, I don’t think we would still be a couple.

We were young, and things we really tough, but we grew up together. And we “fixed” things. We communicated. We didn’t just throw in the towel when things got rough. We just celebrated out 25th wedding anniversary this summer. I can’t imagine any other life.

 

[twf]

It can work. My mom was 19 and is still happily married to my dad 30+ years later. That being said, at least here in Canada, 75% of marriages entered into under the age of 25 end in divorce. I’ve seen young marriages fall apart. You change a lot from say 18 to 25.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

If they are truly prepared to enter into matrimony, then it would be fine to marry at 18. With most people nowadays, I don’t think that is the case.

Exactly. I think getting married young nowadays is generally a bad idea. Our society is no longer designed to accommodate such unions.

Marrying young to avoid pre-marital sex is a terrible idea if you get to 25 and realise that you married the complete wrong person. You should be able to avoid premarital sex until you are married, it really isn’t that hard.

The years between 18-23 ish are still very formative years in this day and age.

That being said, I understand that young marriage is more common in the USA than here. Our average age of marriage is 31 for women and 33 for men. So I suppose it’s a bit more counter-cultural for me.

 

[bitterhope]

My husband and I were married at 18, had a “honeymoon” (without a honeymoon) baby, and now are expecting our ninth baby. We’ve been married and parents our entire adult lives and it was the best decision we ever made. I can’t even imagine changing the way things have gone. We have bonded in the hard times, rejoiced in the good times. We have now been married over half our lives and we haven’t even reached age 40 yet. We prayed for each other long before we met, and we haven’t stopped praying for each other. Now we pray together for our children and their future spouses if God leads them to marriage.

Our oldest is not considering marriage at all yet and he’s older than we were when he was born (not much, but still older). We are perfectly fine with that. It isn’t up to us if or when our kids opt to marry. We have a younger son we think will probably be marrying his girlfriend before heading to college next year. I would prefer they marry young and start out struggling together, learning to live their life together, than opt to live together and think it’s alright to walk away when things are difficult.

Most people I know in their 30’s are not mature enough to really handle marriage these days, so I’m not sure age really matters. The people I know with multiple divorces all waited until their late 20’s and early 30’s to marry the first time. The few couples that married as young as my husband and I did are still in stable, loving, happy marriages well into their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond. But all of us grew up in different circumstances than the majority of America. We had no financial or any other support from parents, we knew what it took and were not afraid of hard work and sacrifices. To us, sacrifice is part of life and we don’t view it as “hard” or “bad” or “frustrating.” We realized as soon as marriage happens, children may very well follow. We didn’t set out to marry but exclude the possibility of children until some later date in the future. Marriage was a life time commitment and divorce was not an option. We might fail but we were going to fail together! Age isn’t what makes marriage work. Attitude does.

 

[HelenRose]

Opinions on marrying young? Like just out of high school, 18? (A sacramental marriage)

That is an individual question for each and every couple.

Fifty one years I had just turned 18 and my husband had just turned 21 when we got married. We waited that long because we did not want to ask our parents for permission.

We grew up and old together. Best decision of my life.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

My husband and I started dating at 20 but didn’t get married until 26. In our case I think if we had tried to get married at 21/22 I don’t know if we would have stayed together to be honest. I think it’s different now we stay in education longer and don’t have as consistent support networks. My husband was in full time study until 25 and I didn’t want to commit until I knew he could hold down a job. Both my grandads had left school and started working by 14 and would have had a very different outlook at 20 than someone still at university.

 

[AdamP88]

Opinions on marrying young? Like just out of high school, 18? (A sacramental marriage)

Depends on the person. There’s nothing wrong with it but I would imagine that most people nowadays are not mature enough to marry at 18. I don’t think that was the case 50 years ago.

My attitude would be if you are an adult, have the necessary maturity, and have discerned wisely, then of course you should get married.

I’m 28 and getting married next month. My fiancee is 22. People often tell us we’re too young to get married. That we should “enjoy our life” a bit more. That’s the opposite problem in this day and age, people often won’t commit til their mid thirties for fear of losing some sort of “freedom”.

I don’t think either extreme is good, (Married too young or waiting too long to commit). I doubt I’ll stop “enjoying my life” after I’m married too. lol