Oppressive husbands

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ladyofshalott said:
Hi. One of the respondents said that a husband truly involved in parish ministry would not be abusive, or something to that effect. I disagree with that…
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I agree with you. If a priest could abuse a child, then ministry in the Church obviously does not innoculate a man against secretly preying upon those who are more vulnerable, and even using his ministry to avoid suspicion. Sometimes a position of authority even emboldens a person to think he or she is above reproach. That’s an old one out of the devil’s playbook.
 
When I feel like oppressing my wife I just let her make her own decisions and she oppresses herself.
 
white_sheep said:
When I feel like oppressing my wife I just let her make her own decisions and she oppresses herself.
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Don’t sell yourself short. You sound as if you’re helping in that direction in ways you don’t even imagine.
 
There are some men like this who use their authority to abuse. My dad was like this. It got very tied up in the catholic church for us as children. All but one of us (the oldest male who became just like my dad) left the church. I don’t think the church “made” him that way but that’s how it played out in our home and the church did nothing to stop or correct it.

I returned to the catholic church recently and it was hell having to work through separating the church from my dad–was it my dad who was oppressive or the church? Which part was which?

Of course that was an older generation where male/female roles and authority lines were unyielding, unlike today. So I can’t comment on today. But no woman should be forced to live like that and fortunately, from what I understand, the catholic church does not say that a woman has to stay with a husband like that. Unfortunately, the children will need to work through this their whole lives though as there are repercussions from living in this kind of home.
 
IMO, this has nothing to do with the Catholic Church. All religions are guilty of using their teachings to opress people. Muslim men are guilty of it too, when it comes to wives and daughters. St. Paul used to talk about the treatment of slaves and slavery was acceptable when Christ walked the earth. Narcissists are in every religion and will use whatever tools they have to justify their behaviour.

A woman in this predicament would need to seek a good priest and get support from family and friends. This is hard b/c narcissists are very good at fooling people. As for the children, the wife would have to do her best to manage her husband’s words. It would be hard for the woman to see that being submissive does not mean being abused.

My father is a narcissist and while he badmouthed my mother regularly, by the time I was 19 years old, I began to see things for what they were and I began to hate my father for what he did to my mother.
 
Wow, white sheep. You are breathtakingly arrogant. I’m sure your wife feels very loved and affirmed, married to a man who thinks she is incapable of making an intelligent decision. I’m sure she feels very blessed.
 
white_sheep said:
When I feel like oppressing my wife I just let her make her own decisions and she oppresses herself.
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What did you mean by this? I think people are misunderstanding what you are trying to say.

Written text has a habit of doing that 😉
 
Serap said:
What did you mean by this? I think people are misunderstanding what you are trying to say.

Written text has a habit of doing that 😉
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Mostly it was a joke. But there’s some truth to it as she does seem to find a way to make her life more difficult than it has to be in just about every area. I see a lot of women do this. If she’d listen to me more her life would be much easier, but alas, I give her too much freedom. I’ve always told her she can do whatever she wants, for the most part. If I would only oppress her a little, she’d be much happier and our lives would be easier. I’m resisting the urge to become an oppressor, but it seems like a very reasonable and logical avenue to take.
 
white_sheep said:
…I see a lot of women do this…
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Says the man who claims in another thread that he wished some hard-working women could be put into a museum, so he’d have a chance to see one.
white_sheep said:
…If she’d listen to me more her life would be much easier, but alas, I give her too much freedom…
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I think he meant exactly what everybody took him to mean. That is a “joke” that gets very old very fast.

This is why I tell my nieces and nephews to never marry someone who sees them or that they see as a “fixer upper”. If you don’t respect and value the judgement of the person who is going to be running your household with you and parenting your children, it is going to be a very long haul.

Personal criticism (which includes attacks on the person’s character) and contempt (which includes mocking humor) are also two of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that are highly predictive of divorce. The others are defensiveness and stonewalling. Of all these, however, research has found that contempt is the most harmful. These are very bad habits in anyone who hopes to remain married for a lifetime. Marriage research has found that couples who habitually engage in these patterns divorce over 90% of the time.

Oppressive husbands find excuses to engage in criticism and contempt as a way to avoid loving their wives as themselves, as Ephesians teaches that a Christian husband must, if he is to imitate Christ and be pleasing to God.
 
white_sheep said:
Mostly it was a joke. But there’s some truth to it as she does seem to find a way to make her life more difficult than it has to be in just about every area. I see a lot of women do this. If she’d listen to me more her life would be much easier, but alas, I give her too much freedom. I’ve always told her she can do whatever she wants, for the most part. If I would only oppress her a little, she’d be much happier and our lives would be easier. I’m resisting the urge to become an oppressor, but it seems like a very reasonable and logical avenue to take.
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You are being very disrespectful to your wife and insulting to women in general. So you keep your wife on a leash? Who are you to decide on how much freedom to an adult woman?
 
I’m a probation officer and I have yet to see a DV case that involved a submissive wife trying to live a holy Catholic marriage. The closest are those involving cultural differences. They tend to involve mitigating factors such as the husband is a alcoholic, has anger management issues, has insufficient social skills, was abused as a child, etc.
 
severus68 said:
You are being very disrespectful to your wife and insulting to women in general.
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Nah.
So you keep your wife on a leash?
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Really? Ummm, did you read my post? I don’t see how you could possibly come to such an obviously incorrect conclusion.
Who are you to decide on how much freedom to an adult woman?
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Her husband. Is it not my duty to care for my family?
 
EasterJoy said:
Says the man who claims in another thread that he wished some hard-working women could be put into a museum, so he’d have a chance to see one.

I think he meant exactly what everybody took him to mean. That is a “joke” that gets very old very fast.

This is why I tell my nieces and nephews to never marry someone who sees them or that they see as a “fixer upper”. If you don’t respect and value the judgement of the person who is going to be running your household with you and parenting your children, it is going to be a very long haul.

Personal criticism (which includes attacks on the person’s character) and contempt (which includes mocking humor) are also two of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that are highly predictive of divorce. The others are defensiveness and stonewalling. Of all these, however, research has found that contempt is the most harmful. These are very bad habits in anyone who hopes to remain married for a lifetime. Marriage research has found that couples who habitually engage in these patterns divorce over 90% of the time.

Oppressive husbands find excuses to engage in criticism and contempt as a way to avoid loving their wives as themselves, as Ephesians teaches that a Christian husband must, if he is to imitate Christ and be pleasing to God.
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You sound like a very unhappy person.
 
white sheep,
I recognize you now. You’re the guy who, in another thread about appreciating women, stated that hard-working women should be put in a museum so you could see what one looks like. Now you’re talking about how you “give your wife too much freedom,” as if her freedom is yours to give and yours to take away. You’re starting to sound a little creepy, white sheep. Your posts are starting to look like something I might see on a TV crime show or a news article on an FBI investigation. I’m NOT making accusations, I’m telling you that the APPEARANCE of your posts is creepy and that you might want to use a little more care in the things you write publicly about women.
 
ladyofshalott said:
white sheep,
I recognize you now. You’re the guy who, in another thread about appreciating women, stated that hard-working women should be put in a museum so you could see what one looks like. Now you’re talking about how you “give your wife too much freedom,” as if her freedom is yours to give and yours to take away. You’re starting to sound a little creepy, white sheep. Your posts are starting to look like something I might see on a TV crime show or a news article on an FBI investigation. I’m NOT making accusations, I’m telling you that the APPEARANCE of your posts is creepy and that you might want to use a little more care in the things you write publicly about women.
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Oh man, thanks so much for the brilliant advice! I had never considered that this could all be used against me in the court of law when people find out the truth about me! I am so grateful, you may have just saved me a lot of trouble.
 
🍿

Amazing. Simply amazing.

Every parents’ fear is that their daughter will marry someone who doesn’t respect them and will be oppressive or abusive.
 
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