Other girls

[phil8888]

Hi, this might seem like a strange question. My girlfriend and I are very seriuos and have talked about marriage. I am sometimes obsessive about things, and I have had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in the past.

Last weekend, I was invited to a Catholic get-together, with some friends who attend mass mostly daily (I am 26, btw). We watched A Man for All Seasons, and before that prayed the rosary.

I often look at other girls, and there are a couple of girls there who I would say are attractive. One in particular I found to be attractive. Anyway, I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship with her or anything of that sort, I just recognize her beauty.

Anyway, she sent everyone an email and asked if we’d like to meet up this weekend again. I really enjoyed last weekend, but I just want to know that I’m not attending in order to look at her or be around her, because I love my gf, and would not want to do anything to harm her.

What do you guys think.

Another thing like this happened before. I went to the Eucharistic Congress in Quebec, and there was a girl I met there who was kind of fun to be around. My girlfriend did not go. Because I really did not want any feeling or anything else to happen, I completely cut off communication with her when I got home. I removed her from facebook, I removed her phone number from my phone and stopped emailing her. She even contacted me and asked if I was even her friend and I did not respond.

Am I being too obsessive about this stuff?

 

[BamaRider]

I’d say you are mostly correct. All because you’re in marriage or relationship doesn’t mean your dead. You can’t avoid attractive ladies all your life. They will be in your work place (I never had that problem in the fire dept) your partner will have atttractive friends, you might run across them in church, they might frequent the place you like to eat lunch at everyday, and who knows where else.

Keep contact with these girls on the casual side and you’ll be ok. Sustained contact, with a young lady you find attractive, could be cause for trouble, and not a good idea.

I think you owe the young lady in Quebec a explaination. I mean you made friends with her, then the next thing she knows you deleted all her contacts, and phased her off Facebook. You should have least emailed her and told her you were in a relationship.

 

[OSUbride0708]

Sounds like you’re worrying a bit too much about this to me. I think you did the right thing. You didn’t put yourself into situations where you would be tempted. I would love to know my husband would do the same. I think it’s normal to notice other people’s beauty, but not to go home and continue thinking about it. I think you should really pray about this, but you’ve done a good job respecting your girlfriend.

 

[phil8888]

Sounds like you’re worrying a bit too much about this to me. I think you did the right thing. You didn’t put yourself into situations where you would be tempted. I would love to know my husband would do the same. I think it’s normal to notice other people’s beauty, but not to go home and continue thinking about it. I think you should really pray about this, but you’ve done a good job respecting your girlfriend.

Cool, so you just got married? Awesome. Why are you thinking of naming a son Abram, instead of Abraham??

 

[SMHW]

Am I being too obsessive about this stuff?

Maybe. Maybe not.

First of all, (and you undoubtedly already know this) you will feel attraction to “off-limits” girls/women for the rest of your life. You are not always going to be able to avoid such women so you should consider developing a strategy for dealing with such situations. In other words, you need to set up some boundaries.

Now in the case of contacts that you don’t have to have… That gets trickier.

I’m not a male person and hopefully the guys will suggest boundaries you ought to set.

But one thing does stand out to me about the young woman from the Eucharistic Congress. You say you had to delete her from Facebook and your phone. And you’ve cut-off email. Having worked as a volunteer and as an employee for several Church related matters I’ve found that you have to be careful what kind of electronic liaisons you establish. One-on-one communication really should stay “business” related. In other words, if anyone saw what you were saying/writing, they would not get the idea that you were anything more than friendly acquaintences. More social communication is best kept in the “group” category. In other words, you are addressing an individual as part of a group.

My guess is that the young lady from the Eucharistic Congress saw you as a one-on-one social friend. And while there is nothing intrinsicly wrong with having an opposite sex friend, if you are involved in a serious relationship with someone else it’s best to limit such friendships. Your facebook, phone and email conversations were probably too intimate. It would probably have been more polite to limit/change the nature of your conversations rather than to just delete her and I’m not sure what the best course of action is now.

 

[phil8888]

Maybe. Maybe not.

First of all, (and you undoubtedly already know this) you will feel attraction to “off-limits” girls/women for the rest of your life. You are not always going to be able to avoid such women so you should consider developing a strategy for dealing with such situations. In other words, you need to set up some boundaries.

Now in the case of contacts that you don’t have to have… That gets trickier.

I’m not a male person and hopefully the guys will suggest boundaries you ought to set.

But one thing does stand out to me about the young woman from the Eucharistic Congress. You say you had to delete her from Facebook and your phone. And you’ve cut-off email. Having worked as a volunteer and as an employee for several Church related matters I’ve found that you have to be careful what kind of electronic liaisons you establish. One-on-one communication really should stay “business” related. In other words, if anyone saw what you were saying/writing, they would not get the idea that you were anything more than friendly acquaintences. More social communication is best kept in the “group” category. In other words, you are addressing an individual as part of a group.

My guess is that the young lady from the Eucharistic Congress saw you as a one-on-one social friend. And while there is nothing intrinsicly wrong with having an opposite sex friend, if you are involved in a serious relationship with someone else it’s best to limit such friendships. Your facebook, phone and email conversations were probably too intimate. It would probably have been more polite to limit/change the nature of your conversations rather than to just delete her and I’m not sure what the best course of action is now.

My facebook, phone and email conversations were not too intimate I can assure you. In fact, I dont know if she even personally messaged me on facebook, and we really didn’t have any personal conversations on the phone, except one time when I was trying to find out where she was. and nothing on email. I got rid of her when I got back home, and people started to add me on facebook and stuff. I just removed her. she txt msged me several months later to ask me to pray for her friend. at that point, I asked who it was because her name did not come up and we may have asked each other how we’re doing. that’s it.

 

[SMHW]

My facebook, phone and email conversations were not too intimate I can assure you. In fact, I dont know if she even personally messaged me on facebook, and we really didn’t have any personal conversations on the phone, except one time when I was trying to find out where she was. and nothing on email. I got rid of her when I got back home, and people started to add me on facebook and stuff. I just removed her. she txt msged me several months later to ask me to pray for her friend. at that point, I asked who it was because her name did not come up and we may have asked each other how we’re doing. that’s it.

OK, so maybe I got the wrong idea but you said she was asking if she was even your friend. I took that to mean that she was hurt by you not staying in contact with her. But it sounds like she didn’t really try to stay in close touch with you.

 

[whatevergirl]

I think you sound like a man in love, phil. You might be overthinking things a bit, but it’s awfully nice to see a man in modern times care enough about his present gf’s feelings…even when she’s not around…to not give in to tempting thoughts of others. (and safeguards himself against it!)

What we do when no one is looking, shows our true character.

I think your actions show someone who is very concerned of not misleading others…but, like Bama said…it’s ok to notice and think to yourself…‘wow, she is very pretty, etc…’ I see goodlooking men, and take note at times…I don’t stare…but, if they walk into view, it’s not abnormal to notice goodlooking people. My dh probably does the same with women.

You have a strong character, phil. No worries.

 

[OSUbride0708]

Cool, so you just got married? Awesome. Why are you thinking of naming a son Abram, instead of Abraham??

Yes, married in July after about 5 1/2 years of dating and knowing each other since we were 12 and 14.

Because I don’t like the name Abraham? Haha. I will probably call him Abe but I would like him to have a formal name instead of just a nickname. I’ve always loved that name for a boy, and I’m hoping after labor when we choose a name, DH feels he owes me something and goes with my name choice.

When we were first dating, DH had girl friends and I had guy friends but over time we ended up breaking off ties with friends of the opposite sex. It just seemed to happen.

 

[Ruthie]

Am I being too obsessive about this stuff?

Ask your girlfriend! She knows you better than we do. She can also tell you what she’s comfortable with.

But don’t discount your instincts. If you’re cutting off all contact with every single woman who is friendly, then maybe you’re being too obsessive. But if it’s only a few, it’s probably your instincts operating.

In the meantime, keep your GF in the forefront.
“That sounds like fun. May I bring my girlfriend?”
“That was a funny joke. I’ll have to tell it to my girlfriend.”
“That {thing} looks like one my girlfriend has.”
“My girlfriend introduced me to {author}. He’s great.”

Hope this helps, and God bless you.

Ruthie

 

[redtech]

Ask your girlfriend! She knows you better than we do. She can also tell you what she’s comfortable with.

Ruthie

“Hey, babe. There is this smokin’ hot girl at the new prayer group I’ve been going to. Its hard not to notice how hot she is. Do you think I should keep going?”

I don’t think I would take that very well from my boyfriend.

 

[chevalier]

“Hey, babe. There is this smokin’ hot girl at the new prayer group I’ve been going to. Its hard not to notice how hot she is. Do you think I should keep going?”

I don’t think I would take that very well from my boyfriend.

I’m male and that would kill much of the charm for me. But I think Ruthie’s advice was more about asking the girlfriend if she sees that kind of avoidance as obsessive or not yet.

 

[phil8888]

Yes, married in July after about 5 1/2 years of dating and knowing each other since we were 12 and 14.

Because I don’t like the name Abraham? Haha. I will probably call him Abe but I would like him to have a formal name instead of just a nickname. I’ve always loved that name for a boy, and I’m hoping after labor when we choose a name, DH feels he owes me something and goes with my name choice.

When we were first dating, DH had girl friends and I had guy friends but over time we ended up breaking off ties with friends of the opposite sex. It just seemed to happen.

Sorry, that came off as rude when I was askign about your son. Abram would be a fine name. The only reason I was wondering is because that is Abraham’s name before God changed it. But it came off with me sounding like I was completely shocked at that idea, but really it would be a nice name. Congratulations on your child.

Also, thanks for all the advice!

 

[phil8888]

I’m male and that would kill much of the charm for me. But I think Ruthie’s advice was more about asking the girlfriend if she sees that kind of avoidance as obsessive or not yet.

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I can’t be obsessive. I have battled with OCD, and I’m much better than I was, but you can’t let it in, even a little.

 

[jencsus30]

Hi, this might seem like a strange question. My girlfriend and I are very seriuos and have talked about marriage. I am sometimes obsessive about things, and I have had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in the past.

Last weekend, I was invited to a Catholic get-together, with some friends who attend mass mostly daily (I am 26, btw). We watched A Man for All Seasons, and before that prayed the rosary.

I often look at other girls, and there are a couple of girls there who I would say are attractive. One in particular I found to be attractive. Anyway, I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship with her or anything of that sort, I just recognize her beauty.

Anyway, she sent everyone an email and asked if we’d like to meet up this weekend again. I really enjoyed last weekend, but I just want to know that I’m not attending in order to look at her or be around her, because I love my gf, and would not want to do anything to harm her.

What do you guys think.

Another thing like this happened before. I went to the Eucharistic Congress in Quebec, and there was a girl I met there who was kind of fun to be around. My girlfriend did not go. Because I really did not want any feeling or anything else to happen, I completely cut off communication with her when I got home. I removed her from facebook, I removed her phone number from my phone and stopped emailing her. She even contacted me and asked if I was even her friend and I did not respond.

Am I being too obsessive about this stuff?

Hey there!

Of couse this is not a stange question. It is always good to ask these kind of questions so you know the correct answer.

To your questions to whether you are being to obsessive is in my opinion yes and no. My brother has OCD and was diagnosed with it about 3 years ago and he also has this same problem. We took him to our parish priest and he says that this all has to do with OCD. There is nothing wrong with finding another girl attractive. God put many beautiful people, both inside and out, on this world. This would only be a sin if you acted out on temptations you were having, and what i have read, I see no temptations that you are thinking about, just simply saying that this girl was pretty, kind of like the same way that you would say that your mother was pretty(if that makes sense, haha).

What I can see is that you are a very dedicated man to you girlfriend( I wish there were more men like you out there :bighanky: ) and that you deserve to put your mind at rest.

As for the young lady that you quit talking to all of a sudden, i think you owe her an explanation. My brother has had a couple of incidents like that and afterwards, thinking about what he has done, explained what happend to the girl and she understands.

Hope this is what you are looking for and I wish you and your girlfriend all of the best

God Bless
Jennifer

 

[iluvmybabies]

Hi there! I just wanted to tell you that if you are not interested in these girls for relationship and you don’t feel as if you will or are lusting over them there should be no problems keeping them as friends…My bf and I have girl and guy friends… We have mutual friends which is kind of funny because everyone we meet his guy friends-whom have gfs- the gfs become my friends and my gfs with bfs the bfs become his friends!!! LOL…SO it works out ok…I have only 1 friend whom doesn’t have a bf and she’s friend’s with my bf…And her friend’s have become distant friend’s of ours as well…One of his friend’s has a gorgeous gf, she is very beautiful, I admire her she’s young and very hard working…She is not my friend, but I hope someday she might give me the chance…Who knows…Does it bother me that she might talk to my bf or that they become friends? Maybe a little because it would be nice for her and I to make friends but I won’t deny him anything like that, besides the one he claims he loves and is attracted to is me…SO I don’t really have a problem…

The only times I have had a problem is when I caught his coworker making a move on him…Like I have said in other posts my bf is a great looking guy, and I have asked him what was going on…He stopped working with her and everything because she wouldn’t leave him alone…AND I believe that she was the one that made the move on him…

Other than that no problem…

If your gf is having a problem then the 2 of you should talk…And you know let her know that it’s just friends…If she’s not and you just feel you can’t handle being friend’s with other girls then don’t…

God bless and good luck!

 

[TAllan]

The simple matter is, if you intend to stay faithful to your gf, I would not hang out with other girls. It is just that simple. You are asking the question, and I think that you know the right answer.