Other people's stuff: HELP!

[Sr_Sally]

I really don’t understand how you and your dh have separate sets of flatware. But be that as it may, 5 sets is excessive.

I have hoarders and packrats on both sides of my family (and mil is pretty hoardy too), so it is a continual conscious effort on my part to unload things we don’t need/want. My dh jokes that I have a standing date with Purple Heart! lol But the best decluttering advice I have ever received is to get rid of those piles *immediately *once you’ve cleared a room/drawer/closet out. I try to schedule declutter time on the day before the trash pick up. I also really do regularly call Purple Heart or make a run to Salvation Army.

My mom talks about how ‘valuable’ her things are and how we shouldn’t just ‘throw them away’ (ie, donate to a charity). My response always is that value is in the eyes of the beholder. If no one in our family wants the thing, no one can store it, no one has the time and energy to clean it, ebay it, call an appaiser, whatever, then we can just get rid of it with a clear conscience. Hanging on to it isn’t going to help get us to heaven.

ebaying stuff does take time–and money–and room to store the junk neatly while you wait for a buyer, so it’s just not worth the effort to me. I know people have made money, but did they really subtract the cost of the item to begin with, the cost of the packaging to mail, and their time? I don’t know, for me it is just too much time spent on junk I don’t want anyway. The local thrift store works just great instead!

The main rooms of the house have always been within striking distance of presentable (even though we have to commandeer the guest room for holidays to use it for a holding pen – with the door locked so company can’t see the mess!) but the drawers of the sideboards, breakfront, the armoire, the secretary desk and kitchen cupboards are appalling.

Don’t even talk about the garage, attic and cellar!

I have downsized everything that belongs to “me”. I have cleared out 70% of the stuff my daughter left behind when she moved to L.A. 3 years ago to make her fortune in the movies (and she’s doing OK, so I don’t have to hold on to her high school uniforms in case she comes back home). Now I have to deal with the 90% of the “stuff” – 60% of which is superfluous – that belongs to DH.

I was meditating on the Gospel: “sell all that thou hast” a couple of years ago and realized that “all that I have” would probably fit into one low-bed U-Haul. I live surrounded by beautiful things, but almost none of it is mine.

I rarely get to use my beautiful Tiffany sterling flatware because DH has 4 sets of flatware (all lovely, mind you) that he prefers to mine.

Anybody know how I can find someone who would put stuff up on e-Bay for us on commission?

 

[Lucania]

I am seeking counsel in outright manipulation of my spouse’s packrat behavior. He’s one step away from saving dryer lint. I was cleaning his medicine chest the other day and found stuff in there that had expired in 1991!

The attic, garage, and basement are jammed to the doors with junk. The main body of the house is fairly decent but in the dining room there is junk in front of junk (fine crystal and porcelain) on the breakfront and sideboards. The big armoire has old LPs that haven’t been played in years. Every table and bed with floor space under it harbors books and more “stuff.”

He keeps stuff other people unload because he doesn’t want to hurt their feelings (Heck! they only gave us those 8 half-empty bottles of Cherry Heering and Creme de Menthe and other gag-worthy potions because THEY didn’t want 'em! And how about that portable TV from 1979 wrapped in garbage bags? Over 100 shirts (I might want to wear one some day)? Shoes from 1976?

HELP!!!

How can I coax him to let go? (Please, no jokes, guys! I KNOW the only reason he keeps me around is because he never gets rid of ANYTHING!)

I’m beginning to think that in his case the initials OCD might not stand for Order of Discalced Carmelites!

Anybody else live with this? How do you cope? If the fire marshall ever comes to my garage, he’ll condemn it.

Have you ever watched the show on Style network called, “Clean House?” It sounds like you are living in what the show’s host calls,“foolishness!” What I would do is (because I can’t live in clutter) is start one room at a time and make some piles. One pile to sell at a garage sale or give to charity,another to throw out, and another pile that DH absoulutely has to keep (which I would keep to a minimal pile!). If you don’t take control, you will be drowning in mindless, useless:shrug: stuff. It dosen’t appear that your DH is likely to do anything about it other than collect more “stuff!” DH may never change his pack-rat ways, so you may have to do a “cleansing” every six months or so. Best of luck, I know this can be over-whelming, but you must take control.

 

[mercygate]

This is a spiritual and emotional matter, not a practical matter. “Fixing” this problem is not as simple as just giving it all away or selling it…as he will just continue to accumulate more in the future. I think the biggest concern here is your husband’s spiritual state in life, not so much the stacks of boxes.

I am not a psychologist, but your husband is likely emotionally attached to these belongings…this is why it is so painful for him to give them away.

This is a struggle of mine. I would suggest that you and your husband make an appointment to see your priest or deacon. I beleive your husband will need spiritual guidance in order to change, not just tips or help on how to get organized.

I liked the story in an earlier post about the house fire. I heard of an old legend where there was a monk who set fire to everything he owned every year so that he would not get attached to his belongings. This is extreme of course, but you see the idea behind it. I will pray for you and your husband. It must be awful to live with someone like this. I know it is awful living like this. Take care, hope this helps.

We had tornado warnings last month and I hoped one of 'em would come along and take the garage . . .

 

[mercygate]

Have you ever watched the show on Style network called, “Clean House?” It sounds like you are living in what the show’s host calls,“foolishness!” What I would do is (because I can’t live in clutter) is start one room at a time and make some piles. One pile to sell at a garage sale or give to charity,another to throw out, and another pile that DH absoulutely has to keep (which I would keep to a minimal pile!). If you don’t take control, you will be drowning in mindless, useless:shrug: stuff. It dosen’t appear that your DH is likely to do anything about it other than collect more “stuff!” DH may never change his pack-rat ways, so you may have to do a “cleansing” every six months or so. Best of luck, I know this can be over-whelming, but you must take control.

Definitely the DH isn’t going to go along with a “talk to the pastor” ploy. This is his ONLY fault, BTW.

TV? Don’t watch TV. And the toss, give, sell scheme is great. As a born-again Flybaby (www.flylady.net), I’ve been making good inroads in the “public” territory but it’s starting to make the DH antsy. And there’s NO progress in the back rooms.

For example, when I cleaned out the utensil drawer in the kitchen (which would hardly open or close because of the JUNK), I found 3 ladles, 5 corkscrews, 4 whisks, 4 pancake flippers . . . I knew that he could not possibly remember ALL of that stuff – this is a guy who buys the same book or CD 4 times because he doesn’t remember he already has it – but that he would remember SOME of it, so I pitched about 4 pounds of scrap metal and put about 2 pounds of it in his “special place” in the cellar with the other kitchen junk he’s saving. Sure enough, when he opened the utensil drawer, he squawked like a chicken and asked me WHERE ALL HIS THINGS HAD GONE! I told him they were in the cellar in case he ever needed them . . .

 

[mercygate]

I really don’t understand how you and your dh have separate sets of flatware. But be that as it may, 5 sets is excessive.

“My” silver is an inheritance. It is absolutely exquisite and way beyond any hope I would ever have of buying something like that. “His” silver is part of his hobby: tableware. He accumulates flatware, china (11 sets), and silver holloware and crystal. The stuff is GORGEOUS but it’s just out of hand.

My mom talks about how ‘valuable’ her things are and how we shouldn’t just ‘throw them away’ (ie, donate to a charity). My response always is that value is in the eyes of the beholder. If no one in our family wants the thing, no one can store it, no one has the time and energy to clean it, ebay it, call an appaiser, whatever, then we can just get rid of it with a clear conscience. Hanging on to it isn’t going to help get us to heaven.

AMEN.

ebaying stuff does take time–and money–and room to store the junk neatly while you wait for a buyer, so it’s just not worth the effort to me. I know people have made money, but did they really subtract the cost of the item to begin with, the cost of the packaging to mail, and their time? I don’t know, for me it is just too much time spent on junk I don’t want anyway. The local thrift store works just great instead!

Thanks for the tip. I’ll definitely keep it in mind.

Trouble is, we DO have a lot of quite valuable stuff that should probably go to an antiques dealer. Ah ha! Maybe I’ll start working that angle.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

Always wondered what Flybaby was. Now I know!

Hoarding is really a spiritual and emotional issue. Thank God I am beginning to ‘see the light.’ Yesterday I went through some books in the living room and put about a half-dozen of them into the Donate pile, and today I hope to do the rest of 'em.

We started hoarding food a few years ago when both of us were too sick to leave the house and there was nothing to eat, but we’re getting it under control now.

I think the light bulb moment for me came when I noticed a bulgy, leaky can in the pantry.

Out it went. The shelves were also purged of expired stuff, and then cleaned. The pantry (okay, garage shelf that we use as one) actually looks nice now.

 

[mercygate]

Always wondered what Flybaby was. Now I know!

Hoarding is really a spiritual and emotional issue. Thank God I am beginning to ‘see the light.’ Yesterday I went through some books in the living room and put about a half-dozen of them into the Donate pile, and today I hope to do the rest of 'em.

We started hoarding food a few years ago when both of us were too sick to leave the house and there was nothing to eat, but we’re getting it under control now.

I think the light bulb moment for me came when I noticed a bulgy, leaky can in the pantry.

Out it went. The shelves were also purged of expired stuff, and then cleaned. The pantry (okay, garage shelf that we use as one) actually looks nice now.

Do you live near New York? Maybe you could come give DH a private workshop?

Hey! Maybe there’s hope. Last week he took a supermarket shopping bag full of clothing to the Goodwill. Ain’t much, but for THIS guy, at least, it’s a step. He can go through our basement, which isn’t far removed from one of those “squalor survivor” pictures and come out with half a trash bag of give-aways.

 

[Sr_Sally]

“My” silver is an inheritance. It is absolutely exquisite and way beyond any hope I would ever have of buying something like that. “His” silver is part of his hobby: tableware. He accumulates flatware, china (11 sets), and silver holloware and crystal. The stuff is GORGEOUS but it’s just out of hand.

Trouble is, we DO have a lot of quite valuable stuff that should probably go to an antiques dealer. Ah ha! Maybe I’ll start working that angle.

Actually, that may not be a bad idea. I have often toyed with the idea of calling in an estate sales person for my mom. Have them appraise and sell the stuff right there. If your dh is a collector of china etc that might be the way to go. Of course, the trick will be to somehow keep him from buying more of the same with the proceeds…

 

[mercygate]

Actually, that may not be a bad idea. I have often toyed with the idea of calling in an estate sales person for my mom. Have them appraise and sell the stuff right there. If your dh is a collector of china etc that might be the way to go. Of course, the trick will be to somehow keep him from buying more of the same with the proceeds…

One thing at a time! He wants to go to Europe. Maybe if we sell the junk, we could start the travel fund.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

Do you live near New York?

Er, well… yes.

runs and hides

 

[Anne1964]

My husband is a packrat and admits it. He says it stems from his childhood when his parents would go into his room while he was away at summer camp and clean it out and throw away most of his stuff without asking him what he wanted to keep.

He has gotten better over the years we have been together. Moving is one of the best ways to eliminate clutter. It’s easier to throw stuff away than it is to move it.

He t-shirts take up 7 drawers of our chest and dresser in the bedroom. Once every six months I go through the drawers and pull out the bottom layer of shirts. I put them in a storage box and stick them in the closet. If a month goes by and he hasn’t noticed the “missing” shirts, I give them to a thrift store. I have been doing this for the past 4 years and he has no clue. Of course, I am careful not to get rid of any shirts that he has a particular attachment to.

When we first got married, he had a 30 year collection of PC Magazine in a closet. I convinced him to get rid of them and offered to take them to the dump while he was out of town so he wouldn’t have to see them leave the house. That worked out pretty well.

 

[mercygate]

My husband is a packrat and admits it. He says it stems from his childhood when his parents would go into his room while he was away at summer camp and clean it out and throw away most of his stuff without asking him what he wanted to keep.

I’m betting they did that because he was a packrat even as a kid and it was their way of managing the mess.

He has gotten better over the years we have been together. Moving is one of the best ways to eliminate clutter. It’s easier to throw stuff away than it is to move it.

I hear you. But that ain’t happenin’ with us. We’ve been in Stonehaven for 32 years . . . .

He t-shirts take up 7 drawers of our chest and dresser in the bedroom.

You win! DH’s t-shirts are in a pile on the rowing machine (unused for 25 years) in the cellar.

Once every six months I go through the drawers and pull out the bottom layer of shirts. I put them in a storage box and stick them in the closet. If a month goes by and he hasn’t noticed the “missing” shirts, I give them to a thrift store. I have been doing this for the past 4 years and he has no clue. Of course, I am careful not to get rid of any shirts that he has a particular attachment to.

I like your style I dumped a bag of trash in street can on Madison Avenue this a.m. – couldln’t drop it near the house lest he find it. I suppose we should confess this?

When we first got married, he had a 30 year collection of PC Magazine in a closet. I convinced him to get rid of them and offered to take them to the dump while he was out of town so he wouldn’t have to see them leave the house. That worked out pretty well.

Wow! We have every issue of Victorian Home ever published and 10 years of German Life. Scottish Life is starting to make inroads. He almost wrestled me to the ground when I tossed 15 years worth of Gourmet (who needs Gourmet when there’s FoodTV.com?

 

[CatholicSam]

The story of the Collyer Brothers has cured any packrat behaviors in my hubby Maybe you can print out the article and give it to your hubby and tell him you don’t want to end up like they did!

 

[mercygate]

The story of the Collyer Brothers has cured any packrat behaviors in my hubby Maybe you can print out the article and give it to your hubby and tell him you don’t want to end up like they did!

Are you kidding? These guys are his role models!

 

[MaryD7]

We had tornado warnings last month and I hoped one of 'em would come along and take the garage . . .

I have a tree out back that could take down the garage and the kitchen in one instant if it would only fall on them. (Don’t worry, no bedrooms are near.)

I can sympathize you starting with the OP.

My husband is a packrat and I’ve figured out a few things over the years.

1. He is very sentimental. He saves every card given to him. We bought the home he grew up in after his mother passed away and he could not bear to part with anything. He felt as if he was throwing away his mother and the memories. It didn’t matter if it was old and useless … it was still his mother’s. He also did this with his father’s things. This sort of gives comfort to me because I know he won’t throw me out if I become old and useless.
2. He grew up in a home where money was very tight. The “you don’t know when you may need this” comes from never knowing whether there was going to be enough money to pay the oil bill, let alone buy the other necessities or extras that life offers.
3. I’ve also noticed that people who are creative tend to be packrats. They can see a use in so many everyday objects.

Now how to break them of these habits is really tough. THEY have to get to the point that they want to get rid of it. I will admit to sneaking stuff into those big heavy-weight contractor bags but this is stuff that I know has no use, is broken beyond repair, and is not sentimental. I’ve pretty much pared down his ‘collection’ to the basement, garage and his office. He is going to have to be the one that just gets sick of it though. I think seeing the rest of the house being decluttered gives him a little inspiration.

It really is hard though.

 

[CatholicSam]

Are you kidding? These guys are his role models!

But does he know how they died? One of the brothers got crippled and blind and couldn’t move out of his little “patch” of space in the house. The other brother would go out and get food/water for him. One day the mobile brother had a pile of junk in the house crush him to death and the other brother was left to slowly starve/thirst to death while surrounded by the stench of his brother’s decomposing corpse.

 

[mercygate]

I have a tree out back that could take down the garage and the kitchen in one instant if it would only fall on them. (Don’t worry, no bedrooms are near.)

I can sympathize you starting with the OP.

My husband is a packrat and I’ve figured out a few things over the years.

1. He is very sentimental. He saves every card given to him. We bought the home he grew up in after his mother passed away and he could not bear to part with anything. He felt as if he was throwing away his mother and the memories. It didn’t matter if it was old and useless … it was still his mother’s. He also did this with his father’s things. This sort of gives comfort to me because I know he won’t throw me out if I become old and useless.

Yup! My guy, too. Very sentimental. And since he never throws anything away, I’m still here!

1. He grew up in a home where money was very tight. The “you don’t know when you may need this” comes from never knowing whether there was going to be enough money to pay the oil bill, let alone buy the other necessities or extras that life offers.

My guy grew up rich but his Mom was Cinderella. Wore beaver, mink and sable but saved string and aluminum foil.

1. I’ve also noticed that people who are creative tend to be packrats. They can see a use in so many everyday objects.

Right again: the cellar is full of antique electrical parts nobody else would look at but in 2 hours he can whip you up an 1880’s gas chandelier pieced together from the collection . . .

Now how to break them of these habits is really tough. THEY have to get to the point that they want to get rid of it. I will admit to sneaking stuff into those big heavy-weight contractor bags but this is stuff that I know has no use, is broken beyond repair, and is not sentimental. I’ve pretty much pared down his ‘collection’ to the basement, garage and his office. He is going to have to be the one that just gets sick of it though. I think seeing the rest of the house being decluttered gives him a little inspiration.

Roger on putting limits to MY need to declutter. He’s entitled to his stuff. One can hope that he’ll see the light . He is very tidy when it comes to the main part of the house. Maybe it will spread!

It really is hard though.

Uh-huh.

 

[mercygate]

But does he know how they died? One of the brothers got crippled and blind and couldn’t move out of his little “patch” of space in the house. The other brother would go out and get food/water for him. One day the mobile brother had a pile of junk in the house crush him to death and the other brother was left to slowly starve/thirst to death while surrounded by the stench of his brother’s decomposing corpse.

Just trivial details, don’tcha know . . . :whacky:

 

[Lucania]

Definitely the DH isn’t going to go along with a “talk to the pastor” ploy. This is his ONLY fault, BTW.

TV? Don’t watch TV. And the toss, give, sell scheme is great. As a born-again Flybaby (www.flylady.net), I’ve been making good inroads in the “public” territory but it’s starting to make the DH antsy. And there’s NO progress in the back rooms.

For example, when I cleaned out the utensil drawer in the kitchen (which would hardly open or close because of the JUNK), I found 3 ladles, 5 corkscrews, 4 whisks, 4 pancake flippers . . . I knew that he could not possibly remember ALL of that stuff – this is a guy who buys the same book or CD 4 times because he doesn’t remember he already has it – but that he would remember SOME of it, so I pitched about 4 pounds of scrap metal and put about 2 pounds of it in his “special place” in the cellar with the other kitchen junk he’s saving. Sure enough, when he opened the utensil drawer, he squawked like a chicken and asked me WHERE ALL HIS THINGS HAD GONE! I told him they were in the cellar in case he ever needed them . . .

I didn’t suggest the talk to the Pastor ploy, someone else must have. I used to be some what of a pack-rat. Not too bad, but I held on to enough stuff that after a while as I ran out of space & things started to get cluttered I had to tell myself “HOLD ON A MINUTE!!” I started going through things and determined that if I had not used something in 2 years or longer, I was never going to use it. That included clothes & shoes. I don’t have more than 2 of any kind of utensil, with the exception of serving spoons. If something gets worn out or broken, I just replace it. I don’t think I was at the point your Dh is & was able to get a grip on the situation. I don’t know why we get so attached to “things,” some worse than others obviously, but we do. Maybe you could gently talk to your DH about downsizing. Little baby steps. One drawer/closet/cupboard/room at a time?

 

[mercygate]

Little baby steps. One drawer/closet/cupboard/room at a time?

Aahhh! FlyLady language!

Definitely one drawer at a time! Even that makes him nervous (because I’m doing one a day). But it’s better than roaring through a whole room with (or on?) a broom!