Others dealing with a parent with mental illness?

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rayne89

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So my mother is having one of her episodes again, my dad did something that made her mad and she has worked herself into a complete frenzy. He drove her car a)because he’s over miles on his lease b) it’s more fuel efficient and c) she rarely drives it anyway.

She can not be reasoned with like a normal person. She is convinced he took her car to drive her crazy. This morphs into a rant of every real and imagined (mostly imagined or greatly exaggerated) transgression my dad has ever committed. Including outlandish accusations against my dad.

With mentally sane people you can have reasonable conversations with them -give direction, advice or even explain it’s not your place to get involved. Talking to someone with mental illness like mom is exhausting -every comment, statement, suggestion gets completely twisted. Guilt is heavily laid on through anguished tears - “I have no one else”, “Who is going to help me I am all alone?”, “Am I supposed to just wait to die with no one to help me?” etc. Except no one can help because she refuses to make changes to her behavior at all or maybe she’s not even capable of doing so.

I have made it abundantly clear I will not involve myself with my parents marriage issues - I am completely and 100% done getting involved on any level at all. Ofcourse then my mother cries I’m siding with my father.🤷

Anyway, I was wondering if there were others who deal with a parent with mental illness? I took my mom to Mass yesterday and came home feeling emotional and mentally drained. She’s elderly and I am her only living child so I chose not to cut her out my life. (The mental issues are not due to old age, she’s had these problems since I was a kid.) I was wondering how others coped with mental and emotional toll of dealing with family members who have psychological problems?
 
I haven’t had to deal with these issues personally, but you can contact the Guild of St. Benedict Joseph Labre at guildbjlabre.com/ for assistance and support.
 
rayne89 said:
So my mother is having one of her episodes again,
She can not be reasoned with like a normal person. This morphs into a rant of every real and imagined (mostly imagined or greatly exaggerated) transgression my (husband) has ever committed. Including outlandish accusations against my (husband).

Anyway, I was wondering if there were others who deal with a parent with mental illness? I took my mom to Mass yesterday and came home feeling emotional and mentally drained. She’s elderly and I am her only living child so I chose not to cut her out my life. (The mental issues are not due to old age, she’s had these problems since I was a kid.) I was wondering how others coped with mental and emotional toll of dealing with family members who have psychological problems?
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See my edits? Replace where you wrote “dad” with me writing “husband”, and we have the same story!
I too am an only child, but I’ve just made some changes. I talked to HER pastor, and he suggested limiting contact for awhile. We’re hoping she’ll take the time to actually think about what she’s doing. So far, I can’t say it’s worked, but I’ve tried everything else I, or anyone I can talk to about it, suggests.

I just can’t take the stress anymore! I SO totally understand what you mean about just being drained when you’re around her. This has been going on for years, just continually worsening since my dad died. I have BEGGED her to get help, find a therapist, or counselor, or something. She absolutely refuses. So I was at the end of my rope after her attacking my husband at Christmas. That’s why I called her pastor, and thought maybe if I did what he suggested she might listen. 🤷 Sigh.

So unfortunately I don’t have a lot of advice, except to tell you that you have to set and enforce boundaries, for your own sanity. All I can do is empathize, because I’m right there with you. :console:
 
Thankyou, I’m sorry you are going through this too but on the flip side it feels good to realize I’m not alone. I just feel so exhausted right now.

My mom is in a “prison” of her own making. I will say my dad is not very nice to her. He comes and goes as he pleases, could give a flip about what she thinks, buys what he wants, spends what he wants -you get the idea. But…my mother has spent last 25+ years verbally abusing this man, calling every vile thing she can think of, accusing him of absolute horrid things (like killing my sister who died of terminal cancer) and she just can not connect the dots as to why he is no longer nice to her. To his credit he didn’t leave her, he did buy a second house which he escapes to about 3 out of the week to get some peace.

She will rant for hours on end at him and then can not understand why he then leaves and goes to the other house for several days.🤷 She doesn’t connect her behavior to other peoples actions at all. When I lived at home she would get up in my face and yell literally for more than an hour about what a horrid, worthless daughter I was than turn around 5 minutes later and ask me to run an errand and completely not understand why I would refuse to do it.

My dad tried counseling with her, I tried counseling with her she will not (or can not) take responsiblity for any of her behavior. Sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting for her to die so she can finally have some peace. She will literally work herself into hysteria if my dad were to bring home the wrong brand of bologna.

I don’t know what kind of mental illness she has but I know she definitely has some kind of mental problem.
 
The first thing you need to do is get her to talk to a license psychologist or psychiatrist ASAP. My mother has had clinical depression for as long as I can remember. Although there have been bumps in the road, she has gotten treatment for it (both counseling and medicine to correct a serotonin problem) and things have been really great. We also found out she has sleep apnea and that was making things worse because she didn’t even realize she wasn’t sleeping and it really messed things up for her.

It sounds like part of the issue is your parents marriage, that they both need to participate in some sort of marriage counseling, but your mother also needs profession help if you suspect a mental illness. Most mental illnesses do have an organic component that can be helped greatly by medicine, and depending on the problem and severity counseling could limit or completely negate the need for medication if that is something your family is not comfortable with. Good luck.
 
Dear Rayne, you are not alone by any means. :hug1: My mother has major depression and an anxiety disorder, and when she gets really bad, she loses touch with reality and gets paranoid. She had three psychiatric admissions to the hospital last year before they finally got her straightened around with the right combination of meds. Thanks be to God, she is doing better now, but “better” means not suicidal, sitting calmly in the chair instead of on the floor twisting her hair, and being able to carry on a somewhat-normal conversation, not “better” as in baking cookies and driving herself to the grocery store. People who haven’t lived with this sort of thing truly don’t understand, but how could they? I hope your mother is getting some sort of medical/psychiatric help, but the hardest thing is when they refuse the help or quit taking their meds, and then we watch them living in unnecessary misery (BTDT). But we can’t force them to get help unless and until they become a danger to themselves or others, and then an involuntary admission is only good for 72 hours for starters.

One of the most important things is to take care of yourself. You will be of no use to anyone if you let yourself get burned-out or sick. Find healthy ways to deal with the stress: pray, exercise, find a hobby you enjoy, etc. Otherwise, it’s too easy to get into unhealthy habits, esp. if you have those tendencies anyway, as I do (I gained an awful lot of weight over the last year, but I’m working to get my life back in balance).

You are 100% on target by setting limits such as refusing to get involved in the marriage issues. Don’t fall for her guilt-trips! Your poor father (and mine!). St. Dymphna, pray for all of us who are dealing with mentally-ill loved ones!

God bless you,
CarrieH
 
So I see we have the same mom…

Yep I got a mom like that… and it got worse after dad died. OK… let’s put it this way…

Mom works with nuns… same nuns told my sister, they know mom is “special” so they keep an eye on her at work. Ummm… she didn’t mean special in a nice way…:rolleyes:
 
Threads like this scare me. I feel called to be a wife and mother, but I’m terrified I might someday be the topic of a post like this someday since I can get pretty crazy at times. Mood swings of anger, sadness, etc and I’m not in my right mind. Eventually I calm down, but still I have scared/angered others at times.

I am sorry for all of you who have so much stress from dealing with loved ones who suffer from mental illness. It’s rough and confusing on both sides. I wish you all the best.
 
I will have more time to share more about this later (trying to get the kids ready to get out the door this morning! 😉 ), but I also have a mother who REFUSES to address her mental illness.
Mental Illness has such a stigma around it… as if we, as persons, have failed or faltered in some way… like we’re not STRONG enough to fight through depression or to logically work through anxieties. I know, I’ve inherited this from my mother (as have my two sisters)… and we talk about it often. This stigma really needs to be broken down… to talk about mental illness in an open light… as an ILLNESS, not a fault.
My mom can’t seem to understand this yet. She’s attempted counseling over the years, and has refused ALL forms of recommended medications by her doctors… it can be quite frustrating.

I’ll share more later…
 
After reading through your post again, rayne, I feel for you so much… I truly sympathize with what you’re going through. :hug1:

The guilt, twisted words, blame, obsessive spinning on unimportant topics… this pretty much defines my mother.
For me, coping has been a developed skill over the years. I’ve learned to have more sympathy for her because I can truly step back and see it as an ILLNESS now (as a child we just can’t see that)… and I’ve learned how to say the right things at the right times… to “catch” her in emotional downspins and try to redirect conversations or help out so that it doesn’t explode.
My dad, God bless him, I don’t think really understands the issues. He’s an enabler… he just wants peace so he doesn’t fight back and force her into getting help. Sometimes he tries, but always falls back because of her emotional explosions.

Things have gotten better over the years… especially MY relationship with her. She still has major episodes with my siblings, but I’ve been able to distance myself (on that twisted emotional level) enough so that our relationship is fairly stable.

Anyway… my prayers and sympathies are with you.
 
rayne89 said:
My mom is in a “prison” of her own making.

She doesn’t connect her behavior to other peoples actions at all.

she will not (or can not) take responsiblity for any of her behavior. Sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting for her to die so she can finally have some peace. She will literally work herself into hysteria if my dad were to bring home the wrong brand of bologna.

I don’t know what kind of mental illness she has but I know she definitely has some kind of mental problem.
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Again, sounds like my mom, only it’s MY husband she hates. She blames him for absolutely everything in the world, whether he was involved in it or not. She attributes motives to people that don’t exist, so that in her world, everyone is out to get her. There is no rationalizing with her, she is way beyond that.
Like I said, our most recent attempt is to distance ourselves from her, mostly just to protect our sanity and to protect the kids from her ranting. She constantly tells them how horrible their father is, and is just so negative about everyone and everything. I don’t want my kids to have to grow up like that. I told her she could see them again IF she got counseling and would behave while she was with them, she chose to continue her hatred of DH instead of being with her grandkids. 😦

I know that a lot of her problems stem from the horrible abuse she received as a child, and then from my father. I really think if she would get some counseling (I would go with her if she wanted), she could get at least some better. But she won’t. The psychiatrists are out to get her too!:rolleyes:
 
CarrieH said:
People who haven’t lived with this sort of thing truly don’t understand, but how could they?
but the hardest thing is when they refuse the help or quit taking their meds, and then we watch them living in unnecessary misery (BTDT). But we can’t force them to get help

One of the most important things is to take care of yourself. You will be of no use to anyone if you let yourself get burned-out or sick.
Don’t fall for her guilt-trips!

CarrieH
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Nope, most people don’t understand. Of course she is now telling everyone we know how evil I am for not letting her see her grandkids whenever she wants (well, actually how evil my husband is for making me do it–whatever:rolleyes: ). She’s very manipulative too, so is trying to turn my own friends against me now!
And that’s it–I know she can. not. be. happy. It’s impossible! She has to be eaten up inside from all the hate, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment she carries with her. But again, I can’t force her to get better if she chooses not to.
That’s why I chose to distance ourselves–it was getting me to the point of obsessing about her behavior. I had to let go of it, or I would end up like her. It hurts. I hate it. But, I can’t let her hatred infect my family any more. I have to protect them. I shouldn’t have to, but I do. 😦
 
Teakafrog said:
That’s why I chose to distance ourselves–it was getting me to the point of obsessing about her behavior. I had to let go of it, or I would end up like her. It hurts. I hate it. But, I can’t let her hatred infect my family any more. I have to protect them. I shouldn’t have to, but I do. 😦
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That is absolutely right. You will be the bad guy and she will tell stories about you and twist everything you say and all of that, but anyone who knows her well will eventually come to realize that SHE is the one with the problem. You are wise to shelter your family from this woman and her craziness, as much as it hurts. They are your first responsibility, not your mother. People can say and think whatever they want (esp. after your mother has bad-mouthed you to them), but remember, God knows the truth about your actions and motivations. Hang in there, and God bless.
 
If she does have a mental illness of some sort, she isn’t capable of understanding her behavior or the consequences. And she isn’t doing it to tick you off. She just isn’t capable of putting 2 and 2 together. (At least w/o medication, but if she can’t see the problem, why would she get help?)

Not sure if there’s any consolation in that, but it helps me with the difficult people in my life. —KCT
 
I am praying for you. My mil has mental illness (bipolar) but thankfully she is very, very good about taking her medicne and seeing her doctor. She can still be incrediably difficult to deal with at times. I cannot imagine what life would be like if she didn’t take her meds. Praying hard for those of you suffering from a relative who will not treat their illness.
 
If we had some kind of diagnoses I think that in itself would be a great relief.

I remember in my college psych class discussing an experiment with a mouse where those conducting the experiement trained it to push a lever to recieve food. They had several food dispensers in the maze. Then they began zapping the mouse with an electric shock at randomly when it depressed the lever. They varied without pattern which food dispenser would shock the mouse. Eventually the mouse sat in the middle of the maze, withdrawn and not eating.

Honestly my mom makes me feel like the mouse in the maze. She can be normal sometimes. She can be loving, she can be a great grandma to my daughter, she can even be generous and affectionate but you just never know when you are going to get zapped.

We’ve had dinner at my parents many, many times. After dinner we usually settle into the family room, either of my parents may wander off to different parts of house. One time I got up while my mom was in another room and served some pie that was in the kitchen to my dad, daughter and hubby. When my mom came back I asked her if she wanted some pie, she completely flipped out that I had served the pie. We were the “guests” and she was supposed to serve the pie. This was the house I grew up in and I had served pie, ice cream and a gizzilion other things at their house since I was adult many, many times. We actually had to get up and leave because she became hysterical and very nasty. No warning at all.

Another time my husband went into their basement to get a bottle of soda pop for our daughter. That is where they store extra pop. My mom totally freaked that he went into the basement (it’s cluttered). He had been down into that same basement countless times doing the same thing, he also did work for my dad in the basement and my mom has had him carry things down to the basement before but this particular time she completely lost it, we again had to leave. When I say lost it I mean screaming, banging on furniture, making outlandish accusations, bring up things that happen 10 -20 years ago and remembering them in a totally twisted way.

This is repeated in many different scenarios over the years. As a teen my mom hit me with the handset of the phone because my dad got a phone call (from a man -turned out be business associate) because I didn’t ask who it was. They guy was on the line when she did it and she accused me of covering up for my dad. Completely out of nowhere. My poor dad, I’m not sure how explained that one to the guy. She also whipped a can of hairspray at my head because I forgot and left it on the bathroom counter -and them proceeded to rave like a lunatic at me. SHe can keep this up for hours and sometimes days.

She has never been diagnosed. When my dad tried to get her help she acted completely normal to the psychologist(psychiatrist -not sure which) and nothing ever came of it.

Sorry this is sooo long. It’s just so frustrating because sometimes she acts like she can control her behavior and other times she is totally irrational. I have become much better at not taking it personally but sometimes she just gets to me.
 
I have just found a description of my mother:
Doubt the commitment, loyalty, or trustworthiness of others, believing others are using or deceiving them
Are reluctant to confide in others or reveal personal information due to a fear that the information will be used against them
Are unforgiving and hold grudges
Are hypersensitive and take criticism poorly
Read hidden meanings in the innocent remarks or casual looks of others
Perceive attacks on their character that are not apparent to others; they generally react with anger and are quick to retaliate
Have recurrent suspicions, without reason, that their spouses or lovers are being unfaithful
Are generally cold and distant in their relationships with others, and might become controlling and jealous
Cannot see their role in problems or conflicts and believe they are always right
Have difficulty relaxing
Are hostile, stubborn, and argumentative
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It’s called Paranoid Personality Disorder
webmd.com/content/article/118/112879.htm

I think I’m going to print this off and give it to my dad.
 
I found this psychology website:
Long-term prognosis for this disorder is not good. Individuals who suffer from this disorder often remain afflicted with prominent symptoms of it throughout their lifetime…Other modalities, such as family or group therapy, are not recommended.
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psychcentral.com/disorders/sx37.htm
😦 Not that I’m surprised.
 
rayne89 said:
Honestly my mom makes me feel like the mouse in the maze. She can be normal sometimes. She can be loving, she can be a great grandma to my daughter, she can even be generous and affectionate but you just never know when you are going to get zapped.

making outlandish accusations, bring up things that happen 10 -20 years ago and remembering them in a totally twisted way.

It’s just so frustrating because sometimes she acts like she can control her behavior and other times she is totally irrational. I have become much better at not taking it personally but sometimes she just gets to me.
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Rayne, I wanted to thank you for starting this thread. It seems like I’m not completely alone now. Like I said, it seems like I could be writing parts of your posts.

And you’re right, the most frustrating part is that she CAN be ok sometimes. You just never know when she’s going to explode.

I think I’ll go check out that site you linked and see what I can find…
 
This made me gasp this is my mom:
The DSM IV illustrates this well with an example of a store clerk who makes an honest mistake, but the individual feels the clerk is purposely trying to shortchange him.

These individuals may not view offers of help as help at all, but rather as criticism. Grudges towards others are not uncommon. They frequently engage in arguments, and constantly feel they are under attack. They are frequently on the defensive, and counterattack. They have extreme pathological jealousy, especially with close relationships or partners, without sufficient justification. They also have an extreme sense of individuality, and a strong need for self sufficiency. These individuals feel they have to completely control others around them. They do not admit to their shortcomings, but blame others, quickly seeking out an attorney for advice.
It is important to note that these individuals may have psychotic episodes, but only for brief periods; therefore, this disorder cannot be grouped as a psychosis.
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peaceandhealing.com/personality/paranoid.asp

The store clerk example is taken right out of my life -my mom is constantly having issues with store clerks even if they are a only pennies off. She honestly thinks are doing this intentionally. As a child, I remember her checking and rechecking her receipt before we left the store.
 
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