Otherwise Wonderful

  • Thread starter Thread starter leah08
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
L

leah08

Guest
You probably get a lot of these questions. I just hope someone who has been in the situation can give me a little advice.

My husband and I’ve been married about 2 years now. In almost every way he is a wonderful, kind, hardworking, caring, involved husband. However, about 3 months ago I found out that he had been using online porn fairly regularly both before and after our marriage. I was pretty devastated and very surprised. I never suspected it. I know he would have never told me if I wouldn’t have found it by accident. He seemed very sincere in his sorrow and desire to stop. He went to confession and I was beginning to get over it and trust him again.

Well, I just found out that he didn’t stop completely. I found a couple of sites in his history, confronted him and he admitted to doing it about 3 times since the last time I found out. Again, he admitted the problem, apologized, appeared to be sincere in his words and is going back to confession.

But this time it is harder for me. The first time I forgave the action of looking at the porn. This time I find it harder to forgive the obvious breach of a promise. How can I trust him again?

I’m very confused. I realize for a lot of people, especially less religious, this is not that big of an issue. Guys like porn. Am I overreacting to get so hurt by this? Is it more common than I had thought? We both know eliminating the temptation is important. Would it be going to far for me to put a password on the computer? I hate to treat him like a child. I just don’t want this to be a part of our marriage and our life. To him it is a quick, stupid giving in to a temptation. But to me it becomes much more and is always in the back of my mind. It really bothers me that our first years of marriage and intimacy has become tainted by this.

If any of you, man or woman, have been in this situation, I’d love to know what you did.
 
I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I’m sure that there are other people on this forum who will have better advice than what I have to offer, but I’ll give it a try.

First of all, porn is an addiction, and society is wrong when they say it’s no big deal for men to look at it. I know it’s hard when your hubby looks at porn, but it sounds like he may be making progress in his attempts to give it up, since he’s only used it 3 times in the last 3 months. I understand that one time is too many, but it’s different if he’s trying to overcome an addiction. I would encourage him to be honest with you when he falls, and if that is too much for either of you (like if you’ll get overly upset with him, or if he refuses) at least encourage him to go to confession before receiving Communion. Let him know that it is a mortal sin, and that for the sake of his soul, he needs to confess it as soon as he can afterward. If he is anything like my DH, the embarrassment of telling the priest his transgressions again will give him a stronger resolve to stop. If he is too embarrassed to let you know when he needs to go to confession, perhaps you could make a weekly trip to confession so you don’t know when he is in mortal sin. I understand that you may want to know every single time he commits this evil act, but your responsibility as his wife is to help him get to Heaven, so you need to tend to his soul first.

God bless and I’ll say a prayer for you both.
 
Hi,

I’ve been there, and you are not over-reacting.

My husband had a severe addiction to porn before we were married, and last summer he admitted to me that he had looked at porn on the internet for the first time in our relationship. I was devastated. There is a book called Every Man’s Battle, which takes a Christian approach to men battling this type of problem. Every Man’s Battle greatly helped my husband in what is a lifelong struggle to men (to avoid looking at women in a lustful way). We would both highly recommend this book, and there are others in the series too.

We also use a very effective internet filter that does not allow porn, or even sites with women in bikini’s, etc. The one that we use is called Netmop. I know there are others out there too. It is fairly restrictive, but worth it to keep my husband from sin. He is relieved to have the temptation removed from our computer.

Also, most important will be prayer. Pray for your husband’s struggle with purity. The Blessed Mother is very helpful. If you can, pray a rosary for your husband every day. He will need to pray to, and God will give him the grace to overcome this problem. The Blessed Mother told the children at Fatima that more souls go to hell for sins against purity than any other reason…what better reason to help your husband conquer this sin now.

Also, there are Christopher West DVD’s on the Theology of the Body that explain very clearly why porn is wrong, even though it is so accepted by the society we live in. They are worth watching if you haven’t seen them already.
 
I wouldn’t preach to him about it, but I would say “You know this is wrong, and I want you to stop, so I’m gonna put passwords and software on the puter. I don’t want this to cause problems in our relationship, and I don’t want to worry about this stuff being in the house or on the puter when we have kids.”

I think it reasonable to be upset, and not to underplay the problem, but I think his is a “crime” of oppurtunity. Unless he’s on the puter doesn’t sound like he’s tempted.

No need to tell us, but ask yourself where y’all are at when it comes to intimacy, and do you think these isolated cases has had a effect on it? If not, tell him it could later on, if so, tell him that to, so it can be fixed.
 
Thanks so much for the replies. I think I was so caught up in my own disappointment that I forgot to realize how important it is to pray for him and help him overcome it not just feel sorry for myself. I have no doubt that is what he wants to do. Things are a little quiet around our house right now, but hopefully we can move forward soon.
 
Having ::coughcough:: ‘personal experience’ with this problem, yeah, it’s tough. It may be different for every guy, but I would want my S.O. to put on Nanny-Blocker. It would make things a lot easier than going cold turkey with the temptation of the open-access porn palace of the internet. The worst part about internet pornography is probably that it is so easy to find. It may be something worth discussing with him.

As things he can do as well, there are a lot of great threads here that can help keep him on wagon. :^)
 
First of all I would ask that you re-read your first paragraph about your husband.

Secondly I would ask if this has effected your “marriage bed” in a negative fashion. (that is a question for you, you don’t have to answer on the board here :))

With that being said lets note the facts. Porn in most cases is a mortal sin. I say most cases because if someone is TRULY addicted then they are probably not fully in control of their actions… at least though it’s a venial sin that keeps us from focusing on God and our Spouse as well (in most cases).

I’m not going to say you are over-reacting but I believe that is definitely an option. There are a number of people here who use to always seem to post “WHAT, looked at PORN! He’s an addict, divorce him!” After many flames back to those with that position they have backed off somewhat and I’m glad to see there are none on your thread thus far.

I believe it’s important to define “porn.” My guess is that by porn you mean nude adults engaging in sexual activity. However the religious definition is much broader than that. The Church pretty much defines “porn” as anything, written - visual - auditory, that is intended to excite us sexually outside of the marriage bed (or something close to that).

If that is the case then Desperate Housewives and most SOAP Operas probably count as do probably 70% of today’s movies.

I’m not saying that you watch these, rather I’m just noting that the definition is broader than what “society” calls porn. Yet usually no one brings that up, rather it’s just when their significant other looks at what society considers porn…er well most of society. There are a number of Protestant groups who consider some porn as “martial enhancers.”

The real problem is that often the spouse of the person who has viewed pornography (if it was not done as a couple) questions why the other person was looking at it rather than at them. This often generates feelings of insecurity in regards to their body image or ability to satisfy or both.

The truth is that in most case, that is a totally unrealistic notion. Are there cases where men or women do not find their spouse attractive or desirable and choose porn instead? Of course. But in many cases I would say it’s frequency and boredom (especially if it’s been habitual in the past). I believe the frequency part is the main driver for many men. It’s not that they wouldn’t rather be with their spouse but they feel bad about asking all the time, especially if they are often denied (again this is not about you, just theory in general). Why else would one of the biggest porn industries in the past few year be middle aged “moms.” I believe it’s because many men are looking for someone that resembles their spouse whom they love. It’s twisted and the wrong expression of spousal love, and still a sin, but I believe it says something about marriage as well.

Many spouses are uncomfortable talking about this openly. It sounds like you are not but might not have been completely honest with your feelings. Tell him exactly why it bothers you (not just because the Church deems it a mortal sin but rather how it effects you personally. If you question his desire, ask him - flat out. I’ll bet that is not the case and by telling him, it might make him think twice.) From my experience many men would rather commit a mortal sin than hurt someone they love (not all of course)

It sounds like you guys are off to a great start, talk with him about this openly and honestly… also be forgiving. Many things are mortal sins, don’t blow any one of them too out of proportion but address it for what it is - something that those in a Covenant Relationship should work through together.

You guys are in my prayers!
Joe
 
Hey Leah,
I went through the same thing with my husband and it was extremely difficult. He told me it was something he’d been struggling with his whole life and that he’s been trying to stop. The first step in your husband quitting is that he has to hate his sin and feel guilt about it. If he doesn’t see anything wrong with it, nothing will change. It helps to voice how it hurts you. You may want to read “Every Man’s Battle” by Arterburn and Stoeker and strongly encourage your husband to read it. I haven’t found a Catholic version yet, but this will do for now. It is also important for you and your husband to have open communication about his problem. As difficult as it is to believe, it doesn’t understand how it hurts you, because he thinks he is the only one being affected.
What has been working for husband is the following: First he read the book I recommended and we talked about the book as he read through it. A second thing is that every night I ask him if he has remained pure since the last time I asked him. This only helps if you can trust him to be honest with you. To help him be honest you need to support him in working through this by not criticizing and by giving plenty of positive feedback for every day that he remains pure. For example, I often will send my husband supportive notes in his lunch bag or will hide them in his things. On his 21st day of purity, I bought him a cake and put “congrats 21” on it. The main thing to remember is that he will need a lot of encouragment and he will need your shoulder to lean on when he fails. You can let him know you are disappointed when he fails, but in the next breathe you have to be willing to forgive him and express your love for him. Another thing that is important is being more availalbe sexually for him even at times when it may be difficult. Of course if you are practicing NFP this may not always be possible, but that is when he will need the most support.
Anyway I hope all of this was helpful. Let me know if you need more help.
-Jackie
 
ConservativeJac said:
Hey Leah,
I went through the same thing with my husband and it was extremely difficult. He told me it was something he’d been struggling with his whole life and that he’s been trying to stop. The first step in your husband quitting is that he has to hate his sin and feel guilt about it. If he doesn’t see anything wrong with it, nothing will change. It helps to voice how it hurts you. You may want to read “Every Man’s Battle” by Arterburn and Stoeker and strongly encourage your husband to read it. I haven’t found a Catholic version yet, but this will do for now. It is also important for you and your husband to have open communication about his problem. As difficult as it is to believe, it doesn’t understand how it hurts you, because he thinks he is the only one being affected.
What has been working for husband is the following: First he read the book I recommended and we talked about the book as he read through it. A second thing is that every night I ask him if he has remained pure since the last time I asked him. This only helps if you can trust him to be honest with you. To help him be honest you need to support him in working through this by not criticizing and by giving plenty of positive feedback for every day that he remains pure. For example, I often will send my husband supportive notes in his lunch bag or will hide them in his things. On his 21st day of purity, I bought him a cake and put “congrats 21” on it. The main thing to remember is that he will need a lot of encouragment and he will need your shoulder to lean on when he fails. You can let him know you are disappointed when he fails, but in the next breathe you have to be willing to forgive him and express your love for him. Another thing that is important is being more availalbe sexually for him even at times when it may be difficult. Of course if you are practicing NFP this may not always be possible, but that is when he will need the most support.
Anyway I hope all of this was helpful. Let me know if you need more help.
-Jackie
Click to expand...
This might help. I have no experience with the CDs. However, I did read most of the book that came before these and it was very helpful for me. It was borrowed from someone leaving town and I had to give it back before I could finish. It’s no longer in print. They went to the CD format.
 
This is a very different suggestion to go along with all the other good advice. Take a blessed Miraculous Medal and/or a blessed st benedict medal and place them unseen under the computer…and pray. It has been known to help greatly.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top