Our 11 year-old boy has a girlfriend!?

[Mayra]

our son is in 6th grade and he is a good student and a great son. a couple a weeks ago we let him go to the school dance. they had many parents there helping and enforcing the dress code and all of the rules. he asked if he could invite a girl friend to the dance with him and we said yes. we have told him that he can have many friends but that he is too young to have a girlfriend that he needs to focus on doing good in school and becoming an honorable young man that he will have plenty of time to date when he is older.

his favorite cousin lives next door to us and they get along very well. this cousin has texting services on his cell phone and he occasionally shares the service with our son. yesterday my husband asked to use the phone and read our sons email to his friend and in the email they were sharing what they were doing for the weekend and then they both said I love you to each other. i do not know what to do, what to say to him, or how to act-honestly i feel that about to panic. help please.

his cousin is 13 and he has had many girlfriends and i just dont think that it is right. when ive talked to my boy i tell him what i think about dating so young. his cousin has asked me a couple of times when can so and so have a girlfriend and i said when he is older and understands that dating is for when one is looking for one God sent soul mate. i am just worried that this cousin is influencing my sons decisions or making fun of him because i said he cant date.

 

[kage_ar]

Focus on what the Church teaches about marriage.

Ask him “what IS dating? Why do people have girlfriends?”

(BTW, this likely should be a father/son talk).

Explain that people date to find out if that person is going to be a good and holy spouse. Ask your son if he is ready to marry.

When he says “No”, then tell him that when he is ready to marry, to be a husband and a father - then it is time to have a girlfriend.

And “everybody does it” is not a reason.

Look into the resources at www.sexrespect.com

 

[nodito]

I remember having a “boyfriend” in the 5th grade. We started dating during the pledge of allegiance. I shared a cupcake with him during lunch one day. There was lots of back and forth whispering between friends and even some eye contact. And then I “broke up” with him in a note during recess about a month later.

Consider talking with your son about the purpose of dating. Ask him why he thinks people date and why they should date. I’d wager that the conversation will put you at ease. I’d not be suprised at all if his understanding of “having a girlfriend” in sixth grade is much different (and much more innocent) than yours.

 

[lizaanne]

I remember when I was 11 years old and a boy asked me (his name was Mark)… “will you go with me?”. hehehe - I was SO embarrassed and caught off guard that I didn’t know what he was really asking me so I said “where?”!! LOL My girlfriends were just horrified on my behalf.

It amounted to me being totally over the moon that anyone even liked me in the first place, much less the most popular boy in school!!! We held hands on the way back to class after recess (I floated about three feet off the ground) - then summer came and it was never mentioned again.

It was totally harmless. I knew I was never going to KISS A BOY! at that age, even though I knew there were kids who did this sort of thing, and he hung with that group. So it passed, and I didn’t really get interested in boys again until I was in junior high.

~Liza

 

[FidesSpesCarita]

This is definitely a father son talk that needs to happen sooner than later. I agree with most of the posters on here that it is likely harmless, but when I was in highschool I went to a K-12 in NH. Relatively small and secluded school, but there were 6th graders getting caught performing what Bill Clinton said was not sex in the bathrooms.

It NEEDS to be addressed so that his sexuality, personality, and conscience can be well formed. Otherwise he will turn to his peers who may have different values or the popular culture for his information.

Dominus vobiscum,

FSC

 

[sanctamaria17]

Let it be. Give him the talk but at the same time, if he’s a good kid, it’s probably harmless.

I know it’s not always the case and he needs to know what’s acceptable and not, but he is at that age.

When I was 11, having a “boyfriend” meant you could call each other on the phone and hang out at school or at dances, within a group of friends. But then again, that was almost 10 years ago for me

I think kids should learn what courtship is and to explore it, within the guidelines of chastity and appropriateness of age level. They should learn that love is a choice and that attraction, while important, can be misleading. They should learn how to relate to the opposite sex, that getting to know each other as friends should come first. They should learn how to respect each other.

At the beginnings of puberty, phone calls and hanging out with other friends are probably fine. High school, going out on group outings with friends. Older, then serious dating.

But I wouldn’t just say no without reason. Instead, invite the other person to your house. That way, you can keep an eye on them and explain expectations.

 

[lizaanne]

…but there were 6th graders getting caught performing what Bill Clinton said was not sex in the bathrooms.

When I was 11, having a “boyfriend” meant you could call each other on the phone and hang out at school or at dances, within a group of friends. But then again, that was almost 10 years ago for me

You have a very good point - 11 was –ahem– 34 years ago for me. It is indeed a very different world.

~Liza

 

[cmom4]

I don’t have practice in this yet myself (oldest is 11 yr old girl)…but I also worry about “what if” this happened andI have nephews this age who ask girls “out”.

The first thing I thought was to wonder about this girl and not just your nephew being the influence. Perhaps this girl is very forward herself and is the one promoting the “I love you’s”. Do you know her? Her family? Perhaps her parents would appreciate knowing what is happening and would be mortified to know their daughter was declaring her “love”.
Can you speak to your nephews parents as well? Having the support of these parents would help in keeping control of the situation. However, many parents unfortunately find it cute that their kids have boy/girlfriends at this age. ??!! I don’t understand that.
I would talk with your son about why he likes this girl… Him: “she’s cool to hang out with”
You: “Ok. So you are saying she’s a good friend?”
Him: " I think she’s pretty and it feels nice to be around her." You: “So you appreciate the beauty God has given her.” Some kids feel “attraction” (albeit immaturely) at this age…I know I did. But you can use that to point out that that is God’s design. What he is feeling is natural. But it is not always right or appropriate to act on our impulses.
Sex respect was a good suggestion. Also perhaps Jason Evert (ewtn)–this might be too old yet, not sure. But he teaches on purity and chastity etc.

I don’t like the idea of cell phones. If your son were forced to use the home phone you’d know when he was using the phone and when someone was calling him. I understand the cousin peer pressure/influence thing. I can’t stand it. Sometimes you have to take that uncomfortable step and talk to the parents even though they then assume you think there is something wrong with their kid. At least in your case you have the age difference to back you up. Don’t be ashamed to tell them that you just have different rules and ideas about dating. Each child is different and should not be expected to reach the same maturity and milestones at the same time. Good luck!!

 

[Mayra]

i have asked my naphew and his mother to not talk to my son about his girlfriends and that does not work because although he does not talk his actions are seen “loud and clear”. I think i will speak to them again. for them, or for the father at least it is very ok for their son to have as many girlfriends as he likes.

i dont like the idea of kids having cell phones much less texting services either. we need to set some limits there.

thank you for all the wonderful ideas and advise today i will discuss these with my husband so we can plan out a father son talk ASAP.

God Bless you all