Out of town husband

[Lillith]

Hello…

My husband travels every week to Ohio, Chicago, Mississippi or Alabama…and is gone most weeks Monday through Thursday if I’m lucky…sometimes Friday, like this week To compound this, I work every other weekend…

I have noticed that some of you have husbands that travel like this, and even if you don’t, you might have before, or maybe your dad did, and I’d really like the opinion of men who travel too

The problem is the way this is making me feel…on the first day after he leaves as I’m waving goodbye I get this really sad dejected feeling…and for the rest of the day I mope. I get very little done in the way of housework and I feel pathetic.

The second day is better…I get moving around and don’t feel lonely and do things that I normally wouldn’t do, like frozen pizza for dinner, reading and basically enjoying the run of the house…this makes me feel incredibly guilty! He definately works harder than me…so to sumerize the second day is guilt ridden

The third day, to make up for the guilt I work hard in the house and fix a dinner for the children, and i feel good this day, and have gotten used to his absence, almost like a single mom.

The fourth day…ready for his return (on lucky wks.)…but it is strange the way that WE interact…I almost feel shy, like I need a re-connection…and I start babbling instantly. He feels drained and is uncommunicative, and so our two styles totally clash. I have been holding my tongue, not wanting to overwhelm him with kid/household stuff…but later at night, when he wants intimacy, well…I just don’t feel emotionally connected at all…we both feel rejected at this point.

We have generally a good communication…and by the fifth day are back on track.

What I need to know from someone is…how to fight the mood swings, I mean it’s a total roller coaster…and am I being selfish needing a connection…Women and Men are so different! I don’t want to feel lonely…and then guilty…then single…and then rejected.

He has been traveling this way for a year now…I am praying for a promotion or job change…but you’d think I would have a routine by now…

 

[Ham1]

I travel every week but usually only one or two nights away…it depends. After long trips there is definitely a disconnection. One thing that helps is talking on the phone every night for an hour or two while he is away. Have good conversation, talk about everything, talk about your marriage, your kids, your future, the past, whatever. It should help you stay connected. On the night he comes home, plan to have some family time all together, then some time for the 2 of you to talk and later for the 2 of you to…enjoy each other.

It is tough, but I really believe the open and consistent communication can really help.

 

[Lillith]

Well…thank you for that suggestion. I will definately try to talk on the phone with him like that…we do talk, but it’s more of a check in thing. I tend to not like talking on the phone, even when I was a teenager if you can believe it…I like face to face interaction. But I will try that…tonight…thanks

 

[Island_Oak]

I so hear ya, sister. My husband commuted for 3 1/2 years–gone all week, home on the weekends and our kids were 7,6 & 3 when it started. It was very hard at first and I can relate to the emotional swing you described.

I’d couldn’t say we completely adjusted–because a year ago we moved to put an end to the commuting. But I did adapt to the rhythm of my life–and I did get used to running things “my way” during the week when he was gone. One thing I found to be particularly hard was not having the opportunity to discuss all decisions, and if questions came up after the fact it often left someone feeling either left out or defensive. I also have to add I never would have made it through, much less enjoyed, those years without the constant support of my girlfriends/neighbors. They are an incredible bunch and I miss them terribly.

All the same, being together again as a family underscores the hole in our lives that existed during the commuting years. We always rationalized that taking into account his hours, my husband was missing maybe an hour or two a day w/ the kids. But since the move he has coached each of them in a team sport, helps nightly with homework, attends school events regularly, is home for dinner with us almost every night and is a real part of the community where we live our lives. None of these things were possible with him so far away.

A move can also bring with it a whole new set of challenges. We agonized over the decision to move for probably too long–but once made we were at peace with it and the timing brought with it some unanticipated benefits. All I can say is try and discuss this issue regularly, make sure no one is “hitting the wall,” and surround yourself with as many friends/family members as you can rally until you are all in one place. We learned a great deal through our experience, and while I’m glad it is behind us, it taught me I could manage quite a lot on my own and still maintain a solid relationship with my husband. Best wishes to you.

 

[CatCat]

I second the talking on the phone suggestion. It really helps. If you’re worried about cost, and he does travel like this regularly, it would be worth your while to look into “family plan” cell phones so that it won’t cost you a thing to talk to each other.

My husband doesn’t “usually” travel, but he’s n the National Guard, so he gets deployed occasionally. I think we just got past the point where we have lived together as a married couple as long as we did as a married couple. We talk at least every other day on the phone if possible when he’s gone. When he’s deployed stateside that’s a good deal easier than when he was overseas.

I’m kinda like you, it takes a while to get into the swing of doing everything on your own. We have one DD, and that’s what gets me moving when he’s gone. But the first day I’m usually worthless. My only suggestion for that is to find a project that you only work on when he’s gone, and that you can do while moping. Crosstitch works for me that way. As for reconnecting when he gets home, that’s something that is kinda like exercise. It’s difficult, and you don’t really want to put in the effort sometimes, but you’ll always feel better after you do.

Hope some of that helps. My DH is finishing a deployment right now, so I definitely feel your pain.

 

[Fitz]

My husband used to be home at 5:30pm every night. He retired from that job with incentives, for they were downsizing. He had worked there for 18 years. Now he travels. Our kids are mostly older. He has been doing this for about 7 years now.

How do I cope?

Here’s my short list:

I switched from full time work to part time. I needed more time to accomplish what he used to help me with.

I found things I like to do when he is out of town (scrapbooking, sewing, meeting with friends, etc.)

I read books all the time- all positive things.

I listen to Catholic radio and I hear about new authors, new programs to watch. I turn off everything that is a downer.

I joined bible study and improved my prayer life. I come on to CA every day when I get other things done.

I joined a health club and I go to it several times a week. My son goes with me.

I travel with him a few times a year. I take my youngest son with me when I do this.

I email him every day several times.

I talk to him every night on the phone.

We have good weekends. I block out the time for us as a family. I don’t agree to many other committments on the weekend except for church. I cook family dinners and we eat at home when he is home most of the time.

I thank God every day for his good job, because many in my family have lost jobs in the past few years. His company was involved in a hostile takeover this past year and many were let go. He kept his job and I am relieved.

I understand your pattern of sad and all that. I did some of that too. Try to stay positive about the job. Certainly if he wants to find something closer to home and he does it, you would be thrilled. Sometimes it is not so easy to switch. God bless you and your family.

 

[Lillith]

Island Oak:

I
A move can also bring with it a whole new set of challenges. We agonized over the decision to move for probably too long–but once made we were at peace with it and the timing brought with it some unanticipated benefits. All I can say is try and discuss this issue regularly, make sure no one is “hitting the wall,” and surround yourself with as many friends/family members as you can rally until you are all in one place. We learned a great deal through our experience, and while I’m glad it is behind us, it taught me I could manage quite a lot on my own and still maintain a solid relationship with my husband. Best wishes to you.

I have mentioned that he wouldn’t have to be gone so much if we moved to Ohio…four of the plants that he visits are in the Ohio/Illinois area, and he would only be flying to two plants…mississippi and Alabama, but I think he doesn’t want to leave the South…

I wish I had more friends…I moved to this little area, where he was raised, and I will always be considered a foreigner…folks around here are really backward, and if your not born and raised here you’re a permanent outsider…Oh…and the fact that I’m Catholic just puts icing on the cake! That makes me really weird

I’m glad and thankfull that I have found these forums…I would really be sad and lonely without yall!

 

[Lillith]

Fitz:

How do I cope?

Here’s my short list:

I switched from full time work to part time. I needed more time to accomplish what he used to help me with.

I found things I like to do when he is out of town (scrapbooking, sewing, meeting with friends, etc.)

I read books all the time- all positive things.

I listen to Catholic radio and I hear about new authors, new programs to watch. I turn off everything that is a downer.

I joined bible study and improved my prayer life. I come on to CA every day when I get other things done.

I joined a health club and I go to it several times a week. My son goes with me.

I travel with him a few times a year. I take my youngest son with me when I do this.

I email him every day several times.

I talk to him every night on the phone.

family.

I do most of what you suggested…but the gym thing…which I desperately need to do. I think it would be helpful for my moods…I would be going alone, and that is the biggest hurdle for me…walking in there and working out all by myself

 

[Mercy_Alvarenga]

Are you a writer at all? Maybe you could try keeping a journal in which you write to him about things that go on while he’s gone, or just write one long letter every time. You could write about how you feel, how much you miss him, and just little day-to-day things.

I’m in a very different situation, as my husband and I have been apart for 6 months straight (he’s coming tomorrow!), not several smaller absences. But writing to each other has greatly strengthened and deepened our relationship. Also, it would be an opportunity to share with your husband (at his leisure) everything you want to tell him without bombarding and over-stimulating him as soon as he’s home. You know it will all get said (because it’s in the letter) and he knows he’s free to relax and adjust to being back home.

I’m also one of those people for whom such transitions are difficult. When I worked full-time I really needed a nice period of peace and quiet before family members talked to me. It’s difficult for some people (especially men) to understand that a more talkative person just wants the pleasant interaction of talking. I’m not a man, but I’ve noticed I tend to think a little more like a man in some ways… When I used to come home from work and find people babbling at me right away about all kinds of stuff, I felt like I was being handed a list of problems to solve and it was just too overwheming.

But your needs are just as important! As shown by the fact that when you “hold your tongue” you don’t feel like being intimate with him later. It’s obviously very important for you to be able to have that bonding with him that comes with talking about the kids, etc. I wonder if the writing would help fulfill that need on the first day back without overwhelming your husband like talking seems to do?

 

[Lillith]

CatCat:

I second the talking on the phone suggestion. It really helps. If you’re worried about cost, and he does travel like this regularly, it would be worth your while to look into “family plan” cell phones so that it won’t cost you a thing to talk to each other.

Hope some of that helps. My DH is finishing a deployment right now, so I definitely feel your pain.

Luckily…my husband’s company pays the bill for all phone usage, since it is a vital tool for his business…

I just have to figure out how to keep our conversations going. He doesn’t like to talk about work, and so it’s like

“how was your day”
“fine, how was yours”
“fine, how are the kids”
“fine”

 

[Lillith]

Mercy Alvarenga:

Are you a writer at all? Maybe you could try keeping a journal in which you write to him about things that go on while he’s gone, or just write one long letter every time. You could write about how you feel, how much you miss him, and just little day-to-day things.

Excellent! I used to write when we were dating…don’t know why I stopped!!

Thanks a lot

 

[sparkle]

Lillith:

Hello…

My husband travels every week to Ohio, Chicago, Mississippi or Alabama…and is gone most weeks Monday through Thursday if I’m lucky…sometimes Friday, like this week To compound this, I work every other weekend…

This must be so hard on you and your kids Hopefully he can find another job that’s more suitable to a “family man” soon.
If he’s making good money and you know he’ll never stray, be glad you have him, alot of women would gladly trade this in anyday, rather than have an emotionally unfaithful man or one who earns peanuts.
Count your blessings! I find if we try to concentrate on all we have to be thankful for, instead of how hard everything is, it can be so much better. Then try to perhaps pursue some new interests, or go to school or take a class at night or something. Many women have H’s who wouldn’t let them. When your H returns, try to put your feelings and need for talk on hold while you meet his needs, and let him relax. Then he’ll be alot more open to you, and “there” for you. This works with my H.
Good Luck~~

 

[Fitz]

Lillith:

I do most of what you suggested…but the gym thing…which I desperately need to do. I think it would be helpful for my moods…I would be going alone, and that is the biggest hurdle for me…walking in there and working out all by myself

I bought a small little radio that straps to my arm and I have headphones. I listen to Catholic radio while I am at the gym, so I actually don’t mind going alone.

I do hear ya though, it is not easy being alone too much. I might be a lot older than you. I had years of raising kids in a noisy house. I sort of like being alone more now than I would have liked it when I was first married.

 

[Peace-bwu]

What I need to know from someone is…how to fight the mood swings, I mean it’s a total roller coaster…and am I being selfish needing a connection…Women and Men are so different! I don’t want to feel lonely…and then guilty…then single…and then rejected.

He has been traveling this way for a year now…I am praying for a promotion or job change…but you’d think I would have a routine by now…

---

Lillith, I am going through the exact same thing today. We had a great weekend, we drove him to the BAltimore Airport to catch a plane, but made a day of it and went to Inner Harbor and the Nat. Aquarium. Today, the first day of his trip I feel just plain awful! I

I have been an air force wife for over 10 years now so you would think I could have a handle on this by now, but I go through the same thing you mentioned with the days etc. Sometiems he is gone for a few months, sometimes a few days, but on average a mission lasts a week or two. I have always remained positive about it, handled it well, but over the past year I have had a really hard time with it. It has been making me feel depressed and overwhelmed. Part of this might be that I just turned 30 and haven’t done alot of the things I wanted to do in life. I feel sad about my kids growing older, even though I am struggling to homeschool etc. alone.

I know it is his time away that is having an ill effect on me, because if he is home for a few weeks I start to feel normal again!

I can sympathize it is really hard, and although it seems like you should get used to it with time , for me I think it might be getting harder in a way. Like being exhausted from a 10 yr marathon of trying all those little tricks to survive!

I will send you a copy of some of the USAF wife coping tricks

 

[Peace-bwu]

the gym is helpful. I used to go to three classes per week at the YMCA while my chidren were in the babysitting room. After a few years of going regularly my joints were getting bad and I felt too exhausted to come home and do a whole school day, sore and worn out. maybe I was doing too much, step aerobics and weight training, two days and spinning/ weight training one day. per week. It was all a part of the desperate CATHOLIC housewife marathon i am on. I sure hope I win this thing Now I feel guilty that I have given up the gym for over six months, since we moved into another base house. I know I have gained some of the weight I lost back and I know that the first week will be torture and I will be doing housework and childcare/teaching while sore and miserably exhausted.

Even worse, it is so hard on the kids, even though it has been like this all their lives, they miss him desperately. It’s hard on all four of us while he is gone.

I have recently talked to him about maybe trying to get out and have a civillian job, but it looks like we will be doing this for at least another 10 years. Right now he is at an AF related convention until SAT.

I need to buck up, I must be in the middle stretch of this air force wife thing! Maybe I will get my second wind soon!

 

[movingmom]

My hubby also travels - Leaves Monday AM and returns Friday PM. It’s tougher on him though than it is on me. I am very busy with the kids and keep very active with their day to day stuff as well as my own. He’s single tasking - going to work. My heart does ache for him many nights when he misses me and the kids so much. I do feel guilty at times not feeling 100% the same. I do pray for him nightly to get through this rough patch - we will move to be with him when our house sells.

The gym is important - you are doing something just for you. And what’s the happy hormone that exercising releases? I forget the name, but it will help you shake the blues a little. Just make sure that you find something you love to do and do it daily - then you will have something interesting to talk to hubby with and feel better about yourself.

I really do feel bad for all of the wives and husbands out there that are missing their better half. It can be horrible. I will pray for us all to have strength!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Lillith:

He has been traveling this way for a year now…I am praying for a promotion or job change…but you’d think I would have a routine by now…

Let me start by saying that I know how you feel. My hubby is in the army and is currently away on training. He left at the beginning of September and will be gone until near the end of October.

Then he will be home until February when he will be deploying to Afghanistan for 6 months. That will be our biggest test yet. Normally he goes away a few times a year for a couple of weeks or so.

During our first year of marriage we were apart more than together. He left for Kosovo 2 weeks after our wedding. That was hard! I had a new puppy to care for and train, a new house to maintain, bills to pay, etc.

Then he came home. That was even harder. I was used to doing things “my” way and didn’t know how to include him in my efficient little life. I didn’t know how to feel married. We had a rough start to our marriage but it is great now, thanks to God and a lot of hard work on our part.

What struck me about your statement quoted above is that maybe it is extra tough on you because you wish it would change.

I know with myself, if I am praying for a situation to change, then it’s harder for me to do what I need to do in order to make the best of it. I’m not sure if I’m expressing myself well…

what I am trying to say is that if I was focusing on what would be better about my life, marriage etc if my hubby changed careers then there wouldn’t be a lot of time left for accepting the situation.

It is very hard for me when he is away. It is heartbreaking. I miss him so much it hurts. But we both know that it’s just how it’s got to be so we do things for eachother to help ease the pain.

He calls me whenever he is able to. He wrote me a couple of sweet letters. We talk about how it affects each of us. I think it’s important to him to know that I support his job and that I miss him. It’s really important to me that he understand just how “needy” I am and does his best to help me through those times when he has to be away.

I grew up with my dad being a truck driver. I hated that he was away so much and missed so many important things. It was so tough that I swore that I would never marry a trucker…yeah, so pick a military man, way to go dufus!..lol.

I guess what I am trying to tell you with all of this long winded babble is that what you are going through is normal and that we all need to find our own ways of coping. What works for me might not work for you…what works for me may not even work for me most of the time, lol.

But we are here for eachother and it helps just to know we are not alone with our feelings.

Ok, I really need to stop now…or maybe this was all a ploy to keep you so busy reading that you didn’t have time to be sad…yeah, that’s it…lol

Malia

 

[Lovemyfaith]

My husband travels too, and I really miss him! Of course when I read the posts from the military spouses, I feel lucky to have him home on weekends. We talk on the phone a lot, but we also email. We have fun with that too, because we can do quick on liners or more throughout the day. Can you get involved with your parish down there? Maybe a choir group or something that meets once a week or so to break up your week a little.

 

[Peace-bwu]

Ham1:

I travel every week but usually only one or two nights away…it depends. After long trips there is definitely a disconnection. One thing that helps is talking on the phone every night for an hour or two while he is away. Have good conversation, talk about everything, talk about your marriage, your kids, your future, the past, whatever. It should help you stay connected. On the night he comes home, plan to have some family time all together, then some time for the 2 of you to talk and later for the 2 of you to…enjoy each other.

It is tough, but I really believe the open and consistent communication can really help.

When it comes to talking I have found that our cellphones with unlimited calls to each other really help. This works when he is in the states, but not when he is overseas (which is usually the case) About 7 years ago he made a call from England for about 12 minutes and it cost $80.

If you don’t already have a cell phone plan that has unlimited calls between the two of you, go check it out. This also makes it easier because you don’t miss each other’s calls. (you can turn them off or use the manner mode when you are in a meeting or Mass or whatever)

 

[Peace-bwu]

Island Oak:

. I also have to add I never would have made it through, much less enjoyed, those years without the constant support of my girlfriends/neighbors. They are an incredible bunch and I miss them terribly.

…, make sure no one is “hitting the wall,” and surround yourself with as many friends/family members as you can rally until you are all in one place. We learned a great deal through our experience, and while I’m glad it is behind us, it taught me I could manage quite a lot on my own and still maintain a solid relationship with my husband. Best wishes to you.

This is very helpful, if you don’t already have supportive friends and family, then see if you can meet some other ladies who share your intersts.

As a military wife, this is my biggest struggle. I used to have some good friends whose husbands had the same job as mine, but they have since moved on with their lives and all of my aquaintences have moved to other bases, etc. My lifestyle as a homeschool mom has made it difficult to go out and meet new people. I have always been a very social person, but I have very few people I can talk to now… which is why I am at Catholic Answers so much while my husband is away. At least I* feel* like I am talking to other adults. Pathetic, but true!

I am hoping next year that we can figure out a way to afford the local CAtholic school tuition. I love homeschool, the kids have lots of friends with all thier activities and we have play dates, but* I* suffer from a lack of true friends, and it is really hard on me to do this alone. It is also hard to do in such a small space. We are in a constant state of reorganization to fit our space.:whacky:

From the outside I appear to have a perfect life, but inside it’s a personal hell, to have these wonderful kids and a wonderful husband yet have so much pressure and stress on my shoulders that I can’t enjoy any of it, because I’m left at home to do it all for weeks on end, plus I always have every military wife’s fear that my priest and my husband’s commander will show up at the door in the middle of the night to tell me my worst nighmare has come true, that he has been shot down in Iraq or some other hellish place or that his plane has crashed over the ocean and I won’t even have a body to bury. It is sort of dark humor, but funny to think that I hate the idea of the house ever being a mess because you never know when something could go wrong and I would have 20 strangers in my house. After ten years of dealing with this level of stress It is finally really gettting to me.

There is a good chance that for our next move I will need to learn German.

** I can definitely say it was much easier when I had good friends to hang out with.**
I have been trying and trying to meet other people, we recently joined a Catholic Homeschool group, so we will see if that helps with the lonliness factor.

Did anyone see the new study that shows how multi-tasking lowers a person’s IQ ??? So that is what happened!