Out of town husband

[Peace-bwu]

Lillith:

I do most of what you suggested…but the gym thing…which I desperately need to do. I think it would be helpful for my moods…I would be going alone, and that is the biggest hurdle for me…walking in there and working out all by myself

I found some great classes at the YMCA, the ladies in them were funny, I felt a little like I didnt’ fit in because I was in my late 20’s and they were all at least 20 yrs older than me, but it was nice to at not be alone and have some aquaintences. I don’t have the time to go right now with homeschool, but it was great when I did.

 

[Peace-bwu]

Lovemyfaith:

My husband travels too, and I really miss him! Of course when I read the posts from the military spouses, I feel lucky to have him home on weekends. We talk on the phone a lot, but we also email. We have fun with that too, because we can do quick on liners or more throughout the day. Can you get involved with your parish down there? Maybe a choir group or something that meets once a week or so to break up your week a little.

When I get involved in my parish, it is so needy that I just bring so much more work on myself, LOL now I am teaching 5th grade CCD on Sundays. I really could use that little break while my 8, 5 and 3 yr old are in CCD, but what can I say, my only day of rest is a day with 5th graders! We just had our first class this past Sunday, it went OK. The kids don’t want to be there, which makes it even more thankless, but I am trying to make the class more interesting for them with projects.

 

[Peace-bwu]

Malia,

My husband is one of the guys who will be taking supplies to your husband while he is in Afghanistan. He is usually only there for a few hours per mission and stays in other places in the Middle East.

I was also left to sell a house on my own about 7 years ago, but I didn’t have a dog I had a daughter to train and a bun in the oven.

 

[Lillith]

movingmom:

My hubby also travels - Leaves Monday AM and returns Friday PM. It’s tougher on him though than it is on me. I am very busy with the kids and keep very active with their day to day stuff as well as my own. He’s single tasking - going to work. My heart does ache for him many nights when he misses me and the kids so much. I do feel guilty at times not feeling 100% the same. I do pray for him nightly to get through this rough patch - we will move to be with him when our house sells.

I really do feel bad for all of the wives and husbands out there that are missing their better half. It can be horrible. I will pray for us all to have strength!

Movingmom…exactly! Part of the guilt I have is that I feel that he is working and sacrificing much more than me! I love being home with the kids, and my children are so good…it feels like a cake walk.

And I think of the poor thing out there alone in a motel room, eating at Applebees where he’ll sit at the bar (so he won’t feel more alone) and talk to a bartender, and sip on a beer. He calls me from there and sounds so pathetic. Every now and then he tears up when he talks about it. He has to write the name of the city that he is in on a piece of paper on the nightstand so he won’t wake up confused.

I feel so selfish

 

[Lillith]

Lovemyfaith:

My husband travels too, and I really miss him! Of course when I read the posts from the military spouses, I feel lucky to have him home on weekends. We talk on the phone a lot, but we also email. We have fun with that too, because we can do quick on liners or more throughout the day. Can you get involved with your parish down there? Maybe a choir group or something that meets once a week or so to break up your week a little.

To Malia and Peace-bwu…

I can hardly imagine what you must be going through! I am very greatful to have woken up this morning to see your encouraging words…and Malia…I am on this forum too much to make up for companionship also…and I hear you about possibly making it worse by wishing it were different!

At least I have him on the weekends!
May God Bless you both and Keep your husbands safe…
Teresa

 

[Peace-bwu]

Malia is right about how much harder it makes this lifestyle when you start wishing it were different. I am most at peace with my life when I accept it and ask for the Grace I need to live it. Sometimes things happen and get in the way of remembering this, sometimes we allow ourselves to become discouraged. It is easiest when you just accept it and do what is necessary to live it the best you can.

We are expecting orders soon and I am wondering how this will change our life for better or worse!

 

[Peace-bwu]

Lillith:

Movingmom…exactly! Part of the guilt I have is that I feel that he is working and sacrificing much more than me! I love being home with the kids, and my children are so good…it feels like a cake walk.

And I think of the poor thing out there alone in a motel room, eating at Applebees where he’ll sit at the bar (so he won’t feel more alone) and talk to a bartender, and sip on a beer. He calls me from there and sounds so pathetic. Every now and then he tears up when he talks about it. He has to write the name of the city that he is in on a piece of paper on the nightstand so he won’t wake up confused.

I feel so selfish

It is normal we all feel this guilt. I never tell him anything negative while he is on the road ( in the air) because he has enough burden with his job than to worry about me. A few months ago he sent me an email telling me how proud he is of us that we can handle it when he is away because it makes his tough job easier. He told me when he got home that part of their cargo were dead and injured Americans. We feel so indebted to, and proud of, the men and women who are out there in the middle of hell, putting their lives on the line! It is a constant reminder that our life could be worse!

As usual, yesterday (the first day) was hard, but today is easier, and school is almost finished for the day.

Lillith,
As soon as I get the chance I will send you the information that they give us military wives about coping. Also, what you are describing is the normal reaction to your husband being gone, including the time to reconnect. That part *does *get easier, we hardly ever have a problem reconnecting. This period of absence has a normal flow similar to the grieving process. Your husband also needs what we call “decompression” time. I know for my husband he needs time to adjust from wearing his Air Force flyers cap to wearing his Notre Dame hat (daddy hat) For us this is what post mission crew rest is for. Your husband probably needs a few hours to unwind.

It isn’t uncommon for military wives to envision this great romantic reunion after our husbands have been deployed for awhile. The reality is that they come home slightly disoriented. This might be true for your husband too, especially if he has had a lack of sleep.

My dad is an Engineer and we traveled from power plant to power plant around Ohio for a few years. He was a test engineer or something for new power plants. We did it for about 5 yrs because he made at least double his normal salary. We followed him from plant to plant. This sounds possibly similar to what you are doing?

 

[Peace-bwu]

We need to start a traveling husband club house, LOL!

 

[Lillith]

Peace-bwu:

My dad is an Engineer and we traveled from power plant to power plant around Ohio for a few years. He was a test engineer or something for new power plants. We did it for about 5 yrs because he made at least double his normal salary. We followed him from plant to plant. This sounds possibly similar to what you are doing?

Right on! He is an Engineer for the Aluminum co. that he works for, and public relations. If there is a problem with the metal that his company sold to Coke, or Budwiser, he is called out to troubleshoot, and even if there is no problem, he visits the plant managers and maintains communication and good relations (schmoozing is what I call it)

 

[kage_ar]

As someone who has had a carreer that required lots of travel for a few years, (working mom alert) – I’ve had the reverse situation, I’m calling home to DH and son wile I sit there in the hotel in the evenings. So, these are a few ideas you could pass on to traveling spouse…

A couple of suggestions – first, anyone who eats at Appleby’s will sound pathetic J Pity him if that is the only dinner choice… When I travel, I prefer to order delivery (not room service) or pick something up and take it back to my room to eat. Then, I call home and we “have dinner together”. We will also watch a favorite TV program “together”. We are both big readers, and when traveling for work there is a lot of down time to catch up on reading – so, it is cool for you both to read the same book – that gives you something to discuss on the phone. When you have young children, buy two copies of a book – that way the traveling spouse can read a story to the kids, and they can see the pictures, turn pages etc. Getting a phone with a speaker phone function allows for family conversation (dinner table, reading, etc.) On the phone, you don’t always have to talk – we have just gone about our evenings with the speaker phone on and felt less lonely just hearing the other…

Many times, I would travel to the same offices over and over again. Call the local Parish in the town where spouse is staying and see what activities they have during the week – most Parishes have mid-week evening activities, study groups, etc. This will get them out of the hotel room and again, gives something interesting to talk about!

And, to repeat, for heaven’s sake – save your spouse from Appleby’s J

 

[Lillith]

kage_ar:

And, to repeat, for heaven’s sake – save your spouse from Appleby’s

This is too funny…'cause it’s true…appleby’s is gross!

Thanks for the good suggestions. Someone else suggested more phone talk yesterday…and I did try last night…but he is so busy with paperwork (trip reports and expense reports)…but I will try again tonight… He has to eat, and I will suggest that we talk while he orders out…he can put me on speaker phone.

 

[movingmom]

God Bless ALL of our “out of town” spouses!!!

 

[StephanieC]

Lillith~

My husband doesn’t work out of town, but he does work the night shift & with commute time he’s gone for about 15 hours, then comes home to eat & sleep & get up and do it all over again. When he works 3 in a row we try to make a joke of it (“See you in 4 nights, honey”).

What I liked about your first post was the amount of insight you already have about your (and his) behavior & responses. That’s a major first step toward changing anything.

So you’ve recognized what you do on the first day, the second day, etc. You know that on the next day one, unless you deliberately choose to do something different, you will likely repeat the same behavior. So set yourself up for success by planning to do something different (great suggestions already on this thread) that will break up your 3-4 day routine & get you in a different mindset for those days, and for your sweetie’s eventual return.

When he does return home, challenge yourself not to “babble” on and on about yourself & the kids. Wait for him to ask, and if he doesn’t, wait til later to say, “Want to hear a funny story?” Challenge youself to either ask open-ended questions (“Tell me about the trip, honey.”), or just let him be, but maybe give him a shoulder rub while you listen.

Pray a rosary for him, specifically, each night. Don’t tell him you are doing this.

Read “The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. (It’s at most libraries & bookstores). It gave me tons of insight into my/his/our behavior & communication.

These are things that have helped me to change my attitude & behavior to get through those days; maybe you’ll find it useful info for yourself.

God bless you!

 

[Lillith]

StephanieC:

Lillith~

My husband doesn’t work out of town, but he does work the night shift & with commute time he’s gone for about 15 hours, then comes home to eat & sleep & get up and do it all over again. When he works 3 in a row we try to make a joke of it (“See you in 4 nights, honey”).

What I liked about your first post was the amount of insight you already have about your (and his) behavior & responses. That’s a major first step toward changing anything.

So you’ve recognized what you do on the first day, the second day, etc. You know that on the next day one, unless you deliberately choose to do something different, you will likely repeat the same behavior. So set yourself up for success by planning to do something different (great suggestions already on this thread) that will break up your 3-4 day routine & get you in a different mindset for those days, and for your sweetie’s eventual return.

When he does return home, challenge yourself not to “babble” on and on about yourself & the kids. Wait for him to ask, and if he doesn’t, wait til later to say, “Want to hear a funny story?” Challenge youself to either ask open-ended questions (“Tell me about the trip, honey.”), or just let him be, but maybe give him a shoulder rub while you listen.

Pray a rosary for him, specifically, each night. Don’t tell him you are doing this.

Read “The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. (It’s at most libraries & bookstores). It gave me tons of insight into my/his/our behavior & communication.

These are things that have helped me to change my attitude & behavior to get through those days; maybe you’ll find it useful info for yourself.

God bless you!

Thank you Stephanie, good advice! I did read the proper care and feeding of husbands…It’s been a couple of years now…I think I’ll get it out and read again

God Bless
Teresa