Out-of-wedlock birth

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The unmarried teenaged daughter of a distant friend just had a baby. She’s 16, the dad is 14 or 15.

Part of me feels the ‘acceptable’ thing to do would be to send well wishes (on Facebook.)

Yet I’m not comfortable doing that. A big part of me thinks we ought not celebrate the same way we would if a new baby is welcomed into a loving, stable, MARRIED family.

Am I looking at this the wrong way? I certainly hope for their good health, and don’t want to put ‘the sin of the father on the head of the son,’ but I can’t do a “group hug” and pretend this is a blessed event.
🤷😊
 
I understand your reluctance, but she DID have the baby, instead of aborting it.
 
I think your question would be trickier if the unwed mother were 27 and the child’s father were 25, and marriage nowhere on the horizon. It would be very difficult if she were in a civil union with another woman and the child’s father were nowhere on the horizon. Those are really hard, because you do not want to ratify an immoral course of action that was obviously positively chosen.

As it is, however, that young woman is in zero danger of thinking this was a good choice for her to get pregnant outside of marriage at 16 because of your support of her courageous choice to become a mother in an age that pressed abortion on her “for the sake of her future”. Still, I don’t think offense will be taken if your support is voiced as “Hang in there, you can do it!” instead of something that implies she chose this route positively. Definitely do the “group hug”; she’s going to need all the group support she can get, and approval of her choice to be a mother in circumstances that are less than any little girl dreams of.
 
She is probably already feeling a ton of horrible things for getting pregnant so young. she’s already heard a ton of nasty comments from others. The LAST thing this girl needs is another person being negative about her situation. Yes, she made a bad decision. But she made a good decision too by not aborting the baby as she was probably pressured to do. Besides the actions of her parents, this child is a gift from God. Soon enough the child will become aware that their mom isn’t as respected as other moms are, just because she was so young. Whether or not Dad is still in the picture, this young girl needs a lot of support from good role models.
 
I agree. I don’t go to baby showers of a “party” nature for unwed mothers, although I do send my best wishes and helpful gifts, as well as offer my ongoing support for the mom/baby. I just can’t get on board with celebrating the single mother (or father) in the same way we celebrate a married couple expecting a baby. Still, you have to walk a fine line between holding your ground that this event is not something to throw a party about and celebrate, but still showing that you value the life that was brought into the world and wish mom and baby the best. You don’t want to do things that humiliate the mother.

People will say, “Well, at least she didn’t have an abortion.” And I agree - at least she did not have an abortion. Still, we can’t let our relief that the woman did not choose the ultimate evil lead us to a place where we act like the resulting situation is okay, and a cause célèbre. It is simply the lesser of two evils to create a child outside of wedlock and not kill it.

So, privately send your love and support, offer what help you can, and pray that this girl rectifies her life, learns from her mistakes, and helps other young ladies realize that it’s not “okay” to be an unwed mother.
 
JackieMom said:
…Still, we can’t let our relief that the woman did not choose the ultimate evil lead us to a place where we act like the resulting situation is okay, and a cause célèbre. It is simply the lesser of two evils to create a child outside of wedlock and not kill it…
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Let’s clarify here: The choice to have sex outside of marriage, the choice to take care of one’s unborn child while it is in the womb, and the choice of whether or not one is going to raise the child are three different moral choices. When the second and third choices present themselves, the first choice is water under the bridge. Therefore, the choice to sex before marriage is just as wrong if a child is conceived as if the child is not conceived. The girl who gets pregnant is not a greater sinner than the one who did not, with the obvious difference that we rarely know who “the one who did not” is!

To have a child and not abort it is not an evil whatsoever. When the mother does not want to have a child of if she faces negative judgment for the personal disclosure that carrying the child to term will require, it is a positive act of sacrificial love, plain and simple, and in our times an course of action taken in spite of considerable pressure to do otherwise.

Remember the woman who bathed the Lord’s feet with her tears? He did not care what kind of woman she was…that was water under the bridge. He said of her, “So I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; hence, she has shown great love. But the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little.” Luke 7:47 The girl who is having a baby at such a young age is showing great courage and love. She has a hard road ahead of her, and I don’t think we have to have any worry that she’ll say to another teen girl, “C’mon in! The water is fine!”
 
I agree with what others have said – obviously she didn’t do this on purpose, and she’s very throroughly “punished” by the struggle it’s going to be for her to raise a child all by herself at sixteen. Definitely send your support, maybe with, “Hey, I heard your beautiful news! Let me know if there’s anything you need, or you want some advice from a mom who’s “been there done that.””

And I say do it PUBLICLY. So that people know, if they do get pregnant, that we’re not just around to tell them not to get an abortion, that we’re also concerned about helping the mom and baby after the birth. Maybe a friend of hers is thinking of having an abortion because she thinks no one will accept her if she has her baby, and your kind words will encourage her.
 
sheilathebard said:
I agree with what others have said – obviously she didn’t do this on purpose, and she’s very throroughly “punished” by the struggle it’s going to be for her to raise a child all by herself at sixteen. Definitely send your support, maybe with, “Hey, I heard your beautiful news! Let me know if there’s anything you need, or you want some advice from a mom who’s “been there done that.””

And I say do it PUBLICLY. So that people know, if they do get pregnant, that we’re not just around to tell them not to get an abortion, that we’re also concerned about helping the mom and baby after the birth. Maybe a friend of hers is thinking of having an abortion because she thinks no one will accept her if she has her baby, and your kind words will encourage her.
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Yes. It is very important that we mitigate the pressure on women to have an abortion when carrying the child to term is going to be difficult, and especially when it is feared it could be embarrassing. They have to know that we will help them to be mothers and give them all the honor due to a mother, even if they do not have the honor due to a faithful and pure wife.
 
EasterJoy said:
Let’s clarify here: The choice to have sex outside of marriage, the choice to take care of one’s unborn child while it is in the womb, and the choice of whether or not one is going to raise the child are three different moral choices. When the second and third choices present themselves, the first choice is water under the bridge. Therefore, the choice to sex before marriage is just as wrong if a child is conceived as if the child is not conceived. The girl who gets pregnant is not a greater sinner than the one who did not, with the obvious difference that we rarely know who “the one who did not” is!

To have a child and not abort it is not an evil whatsoever. When the mother does not want to have a child of if she faces negative judgment for the personal disclosure that carrying the child to term will require, it is a positive act of sacrificial love, plain and simple, and in our times an course of action taken in spite of considerable pressure to do otherwise.

Remember the woman who bathed the Lord’s feet with her tears? He did not care what kind of woman she was…that was water under the bridge. He said of her, “So I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; hence, she has shown great love. But the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little.” Luke 7:47 The girl who is having a baby at such a young age is showing great courage and love. She has a hard road ahead of her, and I don’t think we have to have any worry that she’ll say to another teen girl, “C’mon in! The water is fine!”
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I agree with you mostly, except for that I think in the vast majority of teen/unwed pregnancies where there is little hope of a marriage - the mother should seriously consider an adoption to a married Catholic couple. You are totally correct that the sin is fornication, not the resulting pregnancy - but it is also incumbent upon mothers who create these situations (with the bio fathers) to seriously discern whether keeping and attempting to raise the child is the most moral choice. And I guess that’s what I object to - the celebration of “single motherhood by choice.” Not the celebration that the baby is being brought to term.
 
on_the_hill said:
The unmarried teenaged daughter of a distant friend just had a baby. She’s 16, the dad is 14 or 15.

Part of me feels the ‘acceptable’ thing to do would be to send well wishes (on Facebook.)

Yet I’m not comfortable doing that. A big part of me thinks we ought not celebrate the same way we would if a new baby is welcomed into a loving, stable, MARRIED family.

Am I looking at this the wrong way? I certainly hope for their good health, and don’t want to put ‘the sin of the father on the head of the son,’ but I can’t do a “group hug” and pretend this is a blessed event.
🤷😊
Click to expand...
I know what you mean, but having a baby is a happy event even if the child was born under certain circumstances. You are welcoming the new baby, but not endorsing the situation in which the child was born. The child is innocent and can’t help the situation he/she was born into. What’s done is done.
 
It is a miracle of life. It should be a celebrated event. No, it will not be the same as she is not married…if anyone thinks she does not feel this, they are wrong. Why add stigmas to the ones that are already there, without setting yourself up as judge and jury/punisher for this girl? She is not a whore. And even Christ vindicated the whore. “Who will cast the first stone?”

Would it be better that she had to marry and perhaps a resentful husband abuse her and the child? Would perhaps abortion have been better ? Or perhaps a Romeo and Juliet scenario?

Do what is right in your heart, but by all means search your heart for objective 1, LOVE!!!

Oops, and what if Joseph didn’t marry Mary? And even though he did, would you be one of the ones gossiping about her?
 
If you don’t feel comfortable congratulating them per se, perhaps a note commending your friend for having a daughter mature enough to accept consequences and choose life, along with a gift card to Babies R Us or some other means of assistance. Perhaps also find a prayer card with some kind of mother’s prayer to Mary. As others have said, premarital sex is a sin, but pregnancy isn’t.
 
The great Catholic Philosopher Desiderius Erasmus was born out of wedlock. His father was a priest(!). Although having a child in such a situation is certainly not ideal, God has a purpose for that child, and he/she deserves to be loved.
 
It is not a sin to have a child outside of marriage. The birth of a child is always a beautiful thing.
 
This young woman and her child stand at a crucial juncture.

Go out of your way to offer support and encouragement. It’s not the time to judge.

Why is it that we Catholics only shun those who commit sexual sins? There’s something seriously WRONG with that.
 
It is not a sin to have a child outside of marriage. The birth of a child is always a beautiful thing.

“Abortion” is simply an unacceptable solution. Unless you are personally involved involved in caring for the mother or child, it is best to not even draw attention to this non-option (even if you were involved, you would treat giving birth as the assumed course of action). Congratulating the mother for choosing life, when you had no role in helping make that decision, politicizes the issue.

A simple congratulations is in order is in order, with perhaps a gift card to a baby store as others suggested. The tepid response is the natural consequence of conceiving a child out of wedlock. It expresses your perfectly justified mixed-emotions, without unduly punishing the new mother financially by denying the wedding showers gifts she’d receive if she waited until she were properly married.

Being pro-life requires authentic expression of our humanity. Feigning excitement that a girl you don’t know personally “chose life” doesn’t help anyone (expressing excitement on the streets in front of the clinic when a women in her darkest hour turns around and saves the child is wholly different). Giving birth out of wedlock deserves neither condemnation that leads a women to the ‘clinic’ out of fear, nor outright praise that affirms that actions that to her conceiving.
 
I believe that teens who become pregnant know that they made a mistake. I don’t think looking down on someone or judging them will help at all. It is most definitely not an ideal situation, but every first time mother needs support. This teen will probably need more support since she is less mature than most first time moms. I firmly believe that it takes a village to raise a child and it makes me sad when people choose to turn their backs on a new little family, just because a mistake was made.
 
JackieMom said:
I agree with you mostly, except for that I think in the vast majority of teen/unwed pregnancies where there is little hope of a marriage - the mother should seriously consider an adoption to a married Catholic couple. You are totally correct that the sin is fornication, not the resulting pregnancy - but it is also incumbent upon mothers who create these situations (with the bio fathers) to seriously discern whether keeping and attempting to raise the child is the most moral choice. And I guess that’s what I object to - the celebration of “single motherhood by choice.” Not the celebration that the baby is being brought to term.
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It is highly unlikely that this young mother’s child was conceived because she wanted to become a mother at 16. It happens, but rarely is 16 year old with a boyfriend a year or two her junior naïve enough to think that this is a remotely good idea. Even the people who think “single motherhood by choice” is a wonderful option are not recommending it for 16 year olds!! I say this because this “life style choice” is considered some badge of a woman’s competence and independence, while having a baby when you’re 16 makes you more obviously dependent on all the big-hearted people in your life than anything else I can think of.

I will not quarrel with a mother who cannot bear to give up her own flesh and blood. It can be the greatest of gifts for a woman to admit that she cannot care for her child and to give him to loving parents to raise for her, but I will not criticize anyone who can’t bear to do that. It requires her to tear her own heart out with her own bare hands, and she can never be sure if her child will understand that she did not do it because she didn’t value her own child enough. It takes a lot of trust to make that decision. Bless the ones who do, but I have no criticism for those who don’t, provided they find a way to bring their child up.
 
If you don’t feel right saying, “congratulations”, couldn’t you say, “bless this new baby”? There’s a subtle difference, but both let the new parents know that you care about them and are rooting for them.
 
EasterJoy said:
Let’s clarify here: The choice to have sex outside of marriage, the choice to take care of one’s unborn child while it is in the womb, and the choice of whether or not one is going to raise the child are three different moral choices. When the second and third choices present themselves, the first choice is water under the bridge. Therefore, the choice to sex before marriage is just as wrong if a child is conceived as if the child is not conceived. The girl who gets pregnant is not a greater sinner than the one who did not, with the obvious difference that we rarely know who “the one who did not” is!

To have a child and not abort it is not an evil whatsoever. When the mother does not want to have a child of if she faces negative judgment for the personal disclosure that carrying the child to term will require, it is a positive act of sacrificial love, plain and simple, and in our times an course of action taken in spite of considerable pressure to do otherwise.

Remember the woman who bathed the Lord’s feet with her tears? He did not care what kind of woman she was…that was water under the bridge. He said of her, “So I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; hence, she has shown great love. But the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little.” Luke 7:47 The girl who is having a baby at such a young age is showing great courage and love. She has a hard road ahead of her, and I don’t think we have to have any worry that she’ll say to another teen girl, “C’mon in! The water is fine!”
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THANK YOU!!! 👍

Does not GOD “GIVE” LIFE? Either we believe that, or we don’t. If we believe that, then God has a PURPOSE for this child, regardless of how it was conceived, or it would not exist. If we do NOT believe that, then abortion is just A OK because conception is “accidental” and has no eternal purpose (intended by God). All life is precious. God does not make junk. I don’t care how a baby was conceived. Welcoming this precious new life into our Church is our first mandate: love one another as you love yourself.
 
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