Out-of-wedlock birth

[robwar]

Reading so many of these posts has absolutely shocked me. It seems the modern day Pharisees are all alive and kicking and full of their own self righteousness.

In a powerful homily in September, our now Pope Francis criticized priests for refusing to baptize infants born to single mothers and compared them to modern-day Pharisees whose puritanical judgment is driving “God’s people away from salvation.”. There’s plenty of so-called Christians on this forum who could fall into that description as well!

Who are you people? It might pay to contemplate that ’ For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.’ (Matt 7:2)

‘Love one another as I have loved you; love your neighbour as yourself’. Seems quite simple and straightforward to me.

Poor girl, only 16. I pray she has genuine Christians around her to love her and help her and who have much bigger hearts and generous instincts than a lot of the posters here. Shame on you.

No one on this thread shot down the people involved in this situation. If there is any attitude of “Pharisees” it might be your post. The original question is a good one, a 16 year old having a baby is not a time to do cartwheels and jump up and down in excitement. Yes, God has a special plan and purpose for this baby. Yes someone who is 16 is not ready to raise a baby, they still are dependents themselves. Yes, thankfully abortion isn’t being chosen but keeping the baby to raised and passed around by family members isn’t healthy, having a 16 in high school drop out to raise the baby is no wise as well. Offering prayers for those involved is and well as trying to encourage wiser and healthier choices is the better.

 

[robwar]

First (and perhaps foremost in my mind), I’m a he not a she.

Second, in a message sent by my distant friend, the (grand) father, ‘ALL options were considered,’ with his emphasis on “all.” Meaning to reassure everyone that they did the socially acceptable, modern family * thing and they did discuss abortion. You can say, “Thank God they chose to have the baby,” but in my opinion, abortion shouldn’t be considered at all*.

Third, the youngsters had been dating for several years, meaning that these kids were in a relationship as early as age 12. Call me a crusty old conservative, but 12 year old kids shouldn’t be in serious dating relationships. They shouldn’t be “dating” at all.

Fourth, the baby daddy doesn’t live with his own parents, but with his grandparents. So his family background may be unstable to begin with. Maybe it’s entirely rock solid, but facts are facts and and you have to think about all aspects.

Fifth, the new maternal grandparents realized from the beginning that they would be essentially parents all over again.

Sixth, I personally know a very strong, very stable family that began when the mom and dad were unmarried in high school. The unwed couple got married, moved into her parents’ house, he finished high school, got a job and worked, worked, worked. Three kids and forty-some years of marriage later, they were still deeply in love when he finally succumbed to a life long battle with kidney failure. His high school sweetheart was at his side all the way through.

So yes, it can work. But the odds are really stacked against them.

thanks for clarifying the situation and yes the odds are really stacked against them and you are correct in that when the birth parents are this young, essentially it is the grandparents etc that end up raising or passing the baby around to be raised which is really sad and not a stable home environment. Our society sees children as furniture and dolls, things to keep for one’s own selfish and immature reasons and not realizing that the most selfless choice, the one where everyone involved wins is adoption. Here the baby goes to a stable home, here the birth parents can stay in school and focus on their future, here grandparents don’t end up becoming second time parents, here a childless couple becomes parents and everyone is a winning and what is really sad is seeing a number of posts on this thread that see nothing wrong with a 16 year raising a baby and that adoption is not a good choice because of myths they have and are willing to perpetuate.

 

[EasterJoy]

then why am I reading this thread???

Excuse me…I was not clear. I meant that the facts necessary for a discussion about whether the child ought to have been given up for adoption instead of kept in the care of his teen mother are not there. That is a side discussion. The topic of the thread is how to rejoice in the arrival of a child when it is obvious that his mother, having allowed the child’s conception before marriage, has given herself and her child a difficult path. His birth is entirely to be rejoiced at, but he arrives having been dealt some hard cards to play, no matter what happens. The OP wondered if the latter fact makes a difference when it comes to the normal celebrations that surround the joy of a birth. That is what the thread is actually discussing, not whether the child would be better off with adoptive parents.

 

[EasterJoy]

Reading so many of these posts has absolutely shocked me. It seems the modern day Pharisees are all alive and kicking and full of their own self righteousness.

In a powerful homily in September, our now Pope Francis criticized priests for refusing to baptize infants born to single mothers and compared them to modern-day Pharisees whose puritanical judgment is driving “God’s people away from salvation.”. There’s plenty of so-called Christians on this forum who could fall into that description as well!

Who are you people? It might pay to contemplate that ’ For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.’ (Matt 7:2)

‘Love one another as I have loved you; love your neighbour as yourself’. Seems quite simple and straightforward to me.

Poor girl, only 16. I pray she has genuine Christians around her to love her and help her and who have much bigger hearts and generous instincts than a lot of the posters here. Shame on you.

Can I start by saying that Nazi, Pharisee, and Puritan and variations made on them (including feminazi) are three of the most over-used and mis-used insults in the current lexicon?

Let’s not imply that anyone here is ready to stone this young mother, shall we? Nobody said that child should be refused baptism. Nobody. In fact, everyone has said the girl is a hero for bring the child to term, even if the choices that lead to his conception were immoral and unwise. No one is saying that she ought not be treated charitably. The only question is how to extend charity to her without implying that there was nothing wrong with the choices that lead her to be a mother before her time.

Some think that it does her and her child an injustice to even encourage her to parent him herself, at her tender age, but think it would be a greater charity to both mother and child if the mother could be convinced to give the child up for adoption. Nobody is suggesting that because they want to punish the mother!!! They are making the suggestion because they are afraid she is taking on a burden that is too big for her, a burden that will not be made manageable by all the baby showers in the world. For all you or I know, the posters who are posting this are doing it out of their own experience as 16 year old mothers!! It’s not as if someone who fully understands her choice might not have that opinion!! So let’s just drop the high-horse “Pharisee” talk, why don’t we? While I would argue that we can’t know for certain that adoption must certainly be the best course of action, I won’t sit still and listen to name-calling against people who believe it would be in the best interest of all to do it. When I say that they might be wrong, IOW, I am definitely not saying that they may not be exactly right.

 

[The_Bucket]

The only question is how to extend charity to her without implying that there was nothing wrong with the choices that lead her to be a mother before her time.

That’s the thing though; unless they were on MTV’s Teen Mom or something, I think they’re all aware that getting pregnant at 15/16 years old is not a good choice.

But look, a huge percentage of people have premarital sex. It’s always a bad decision. But so many people “get away with it” due to contraception or sheer luck. The only difference between this girl and this boy and 30-40% of teenagers their age is that they “got caught” by conceiving a child.

The child’s life should be celebrated like anyone else. No one is saying “good job, you had sex” to this couple any more than someone says “good job, you had sex” to a married couple. What’s being celebrated is the child. And that child deserves it.

And honestly, so do the parents here. They made an error but they have not compounded the error and they need encouragement to grow up quickly and be adults sooner than their peers.

You’re not condoning or celebrating sin by celebrating the birth of a child to an unwed teen. Honestly, I’d be more reluctant to celebrate the birth of a child to an unwed 20 or 30-something because they might indeed think the act of conception was a swell idea. The teens know it was not.

 

[EasterJoy]

That’s the thing though; unless they were on MTV’s Teen Mom or something, I think they’re all aware that getting pregnant at 15/16 years old is not a good choice.

But look, a huge percentage of people have premarital sex. It’s always a bad decision. But so many people “get away with it” due to contraception or sheer luck. The only difference between this girl and this boy and 30-40% of teenagers their age is that they “got caught” by conceiving a child.

The child’s life should be celebrated like anyone else. No one is saying “good job, you had sex” to this couple any more than someone says “good job, you had sex” to a married couple. What’s being celebrated is the child. And that child deserves it.

And honestly, so do the parents here. They made an error but they have not compounded the error and they need encouragement to grow up quickly and be adults sooner than their peers.

You’re not condoning or celebrating sin by celebrating the birth of a child to an unwed teen. Honestly, I’d be more reluctant to celebrate the birth of a child to an unwed 20 or 30-something because they might indeed think the act of conception was a swell idea. The teens know it was not.

I agree, but because of shows like Teen Mom and the shocking rise in out-of-wedlock births, I don’t think it takes a “Pharisaical attitude” to wonder how to rejoice in the child without giving tacit approval to the trend. I’m not saying that I’m against baby showers for out-of-wedlock moms, far from it, but only that those who are against them cannot be automatically accused of showing a self-righteous attitude. Even those who have had a child out of wedlock themselves might wonder if younger women might wrongly romanticize the prospect when they’re weighing what chances they want to take with their lives, that’s all I’m saying.

 

[The_Bucket]

I understand where you are coming from. We should not rejoice over sin. But we should rejoice over the birth of a child.

And while I think society has become way too “tolerant” and actually celebrates sin… I think that’s better than shunning those who commit sin or making unwed mothers societal outcasts.

Christ taught us the correct way of dealing with these situations. Dine with the sinners, call on everyone to repent (don’t single out particular people or sins) and rejoice when they do repent.

Today we’re doing a fine job of dining with the sinners but ignoring the sin. In the past we focused so much on the sin that we made true repentance and societal reconciliation almost impossible.

 

[EasterJoy]

I understand where you are coming from. We should not rejoice over sin. But we should rejoice over the birth of a child.

And while I think society has become way too “tolerant” and actually celebrates sin… I think that’s better than shunning those who commit sin or making unwed mothers societal outcasts.

Christ taught us the correct way of dealing with these situations. Dine with the sinners, call on everyone to repent (don’t single out particular people or sins) and rejoice when they do repent.

Today we’re doing a fine job of dining with the sinners but ignoring the sin. In the past we focused so much on the sin that we made true repentance and societal reconciliation almost impossible.

Yes. Mostly, don’t think that just giving her a baby shower–“dining” with her–is going to welcome her into a happy motherhood like a mother with a husband and more maturity on her side. She’s going to need a lot more support than an older mom with a husband, not less. Even with that, there is just about zero chance she’ll tell her own daughter that having a child when you are so young is a good plan compared to her friends who waited for marriage until they were older and waited for children until they were married.

After all, we don’t support widows and then worry that the younger married women will feed their husbands high-cholesterol diets so that after the heart attack their surviving spouses can get in on all that support that the widows get!!

 

[bstorm]

To answer the original question, I do not see any moral problem with congratulating a mother on the birth of her baby. Baby is an innocent party in all of this and his/her birth should be welcomed and celebrated. I am sure the teenage mother feels enough guilt about her situation already.

Like some if the other posters, I am also surprised at how many people believe that taking the baby from his/her teenage mother and giving him/her up for the adoption is the best thing for everybody. While there are situations when it is indeed the best solution, I do not believe that to be a general rule. I think the best thing for everyone involved is to keep the baby in his/her own natural family. Adoption creates a lifelong trauma for both the mother and the baby that is best avoided, if possible. To pretend that these psychological and emotional consequences are nonexistent is ignoring the obvious. I am not against the adoption when necessary, but it really should not be the default choice for pregnant teenage mothers. I do know of cases when adoption at least seems to be a success, but in all of these the baby was taken in by the family members (grandparents or a married aunt) and is to this day in contact with his/her mom.

I realize this is a loaded topic for many and I am in no way trying to judge anybody’s personal situation as an adoptee, adoptive parent, or a mother who gave up her baby. Each situation is different and there is no magic formula that will work in each and every case.

 

[robwar]

To answer the original question, I do not see any moral problem with congratulating a mother on the birth of her baby. Baby is an innocent party in all of this and his/her birth should be welcomed and celebrated. I am sure the teenage mother feels enough guilt about her situation already.

Like some if the other posters, I am also surprised at how many people believe that taking the baby from his/her teenage mother and giving him/her up for the adoption is the best thing for everybody. While there are situations when it is indeed the best solution, I do not believe that to be a general rule. I think the best thing for everyone involved is to keep the baby in his/her own natural family. Adoption creates a lifelong trauma for both the mother and the baby that is best avoided, if possible. To pretend that these psychological and emotional consequences are nonexistent is ignoring the obvious. I am not against the adoption when necessary, but it really should not be the default choice for pregnant teenage mothers. I do know of cases when adoption at least seems to be a success, but in all of these the baby was taken in by the family members (grandparents or a married aunt) and is to this day in contact with his/her mom.

I realize this is a loaded topic for many and I am in no way trying to judge anybody’s personal situation as an adoptee, adoptive parent, or a mother who gave up her baby. Each situation is different and there is no magic formula that will work in each and every case.

Stating that adoption causes life long scars is a totally bogus myth. You have no facts to base that lie on but there is plenty of proof that a 16 year old is too young and immature to raise a baby. From what OP did state, it sounded like the baby will end up being raised by the grandparents, another problem. Again please educate yourself on reality not bogus lies.

 

[EasterJoy]

…While there are situations when it is indeed the best solution, I do not believe that to be a general rule. I think the best thing for everyone involved is to keep the baby in his/her own natural family…

The general rule is that there is not a general rule. If one or the other were the best choice 80% of the time, it would still not be the best choice for someone. It is a difficult decision because there are legitimate arguments to be made in both directions. It does not make the decision easier to feel artificially forced in one direction or the other.

Obviously, there have been times in human history when women married and were even married and widowed by the time they were 16; a woman can be a mother when she is that young, if she is mature in other respects and has the support and desire to do it. If the Virgin Mary had been 15 or 16 at the birth of Our Lord, that wouldn’t have been unusual for that time for a woman to have her first child. Obviously, there are many fantastic couples out there who would make wonderful parents for a child, too, as has happened many times over the course of history, as well. It is a wonderful act of love for a mother who is not equipped to be the best mother to admit it and allow such a couple to adopt her child. That is certainly not dooming the child to be scarred by childhood more than is the lot of most of us, as many adults who were adopted as children can attest.

 

[bstorm]

Stating that adoption causes life long scars is a totally bogus myth. You have no facts to base that lie on but there is plenty of proof that a 16 year old is too young and immature to raise a baby. From what OP did state, it sounded like the baby will end up being raised by the grandparents, another problem. Again please educate yourself on reality not bogus lies.

You say what I say is bogus. Where is your evidence? Do you truly believe that a mother that gives up her child for adoption keeps happily going about her life after that event like nothing has happened? That children are not impacted at all by severing the natural bond between them and their family? Look, I agree that adoption can be a good thing, there are many circumstances in which it is the best solution to a bad problem and I applaud the families that are generous to take in the child or children. Human beings are resilient and it does not mean that they will not turn out to be okay even though they had to deal with the psycholigical and emotional issues surrounding the adoption. But simply giving up the baby for adoption by virtue of being a pregnant teenage mother is not a reason that is good enough, at least not in my opinion.

Also, you know nothing about me. To assume that I am not educated on this topic is a little presumptious. We will simply have to disagree.

 

[SuzanneD]

Exactly. With a 16 year old who has been having sex with a younger boy…She’s probably not capable of making such a decision. She just doesn’t have the experience and ability to think that far ahead. She needs a lot of guidance and the right sort of guidance at that. Not just someone who will say, “Well, whatever you decide will be fine,” but someone who can take her through the scenarios and really make it clear that adoption IS the best choice. It’s a difficult thing to do, but the best for the baby long-term.

My sister got pregnant at 16 ran away to home for unwed mothers, and put her baby up for adoption, although this was a better choice than the abortion my father would have forced on her. We have no idea if it was “best for the baby”, because we don’t know anything about her, or her adoptive parents. It did leave a huge hole in my sister, who was very brave and loving. I feel like she would have been a great mom regardless of how the baby came to be.

 

[Aggies08]

What’s done is done; the baby is here.

Be happy for his (presumably) healthy birth, and give something if you can afford to do so/feel it’s appropriate for your relationship with this young woman. I’m sure she’s heard more criticisms than we could imagine already.

 

[robwar]

You say what I say is bogus. Where is your evidence? Do you truly believe that a mother that gives up her child for adoption keeps happily going about her life after that event like nothing has happened? That children are not impacted at all by severing the natural bond between them and their family? Look, I agree that adoption can be a good thing, there are many circumstances in which it is the best solution to a bad problem and I applaud the families that are generous to take in the child or children. Human beings are resilient and it does not mean that they will not turn out to be okay even though they had to deal with the psycholigical and emotional issues surrounding the adoption. But simply giving up the baby for adoption by virtue of being a pregnant teenage mother is not a reason that is good enough, at least not in my opinion.

Also, you know nothing about me. To assume that I am not educated on this topic is a little presumptious. We will simply have to disagree.

Have you ever talked to birth mothers and fathers? I have and your analysis is wrong.
Being an adoptive mom myself, I’ve seen and experienced a whole lot more than the assumptions you are promoting here. I would suggest that you contact Adoptive families and the many studies that they have done with birth parents and their choices and the fact and many domestic adoptions have some kind of openness with the birth family and what you promote is a bunch of terrible misconceptions which are totally untrue with all those involved in adoption. The bigger scars will be for a 16 year old to raise a baby she is not ready to do and basically unable to do.

 

[robwar]

The general rule is that there is not a general rule. If one or the other were the best choice 80% of the time, it would still not be the best choice for someone. It is a difficult decision because there are legitimate arguments to be made in both directions. It does not make the decision easier to feel artificially forced in one direction or the other.

Obviously, there have been times in human history when women married and were even married and widowed by the time they were 16; a woman can be a mother when she is that young, if she is mature in other respects and has the support and desire to do it. If the Virgin Mary had been 15 or 16 at the birth of Our Lord, that wouldn’t have been unusual for that time for a woman to have her first child. Obviously, there are many fantastic couples out there who would make wonderful parents for a child, too, as has happened many times over the course of history, as well. It is a wonderful act of love for a mother who is not equipped to be the best mother to admit it and allow such a couple to adopt her child. That is certainly not dooming the child to be scarred by childhood more than is the lot of most of us, as many adults who were adopted as children can attest.

If you are going to bring up the age of our Blessed Mother, you are forgetting that marriages happen in that time and culture at those ages. She was betrothed to Joseph. That is not true in our culture or day and age where 16 year olds are not working on the farm but in school. Likewise, the average age for getting married is not 16 anymore but later 20’s.

 

[Abbigaelann]

Is it ever a time to judge? Thought God was the only one with that job…the rest of us pretty unqualified…
But I sure have seen a lot of applicants for the job in here.

 

[aemcpa]

Is it ever a time to judge? Thought God was the only one with that job…the rest of us pretty unqualified…
But I sure have seen a lot of applicants for the job in here.

catholic.com/magazine/articles/judge-not

 

[thequeen]

Please give her a hug and let her know that you are there for her. Put together a care package for her baby also include something especially for her I crochet baby afghans, some I sell some I give away and i include them in the care packages sex outside of marriage is wrong but that little baby still needs things and more importantly people to love him or her and that young girl needs to know that support from people who love her.

 

[Forkfoot]

Please give her a hug and let her know that you are there for her. Put together a care package for her baby also include something especially for her I crochet baby afghans, some I sell some I give away and i include them in the care packages sex outside of marriage is wrong but that little baby still needs things and more importantly people to love him or her and that young girl needs to know that support from people who love her.

This. I’m sure she has plenty of other people in her life going out of their way to let her know they’re disappointed in her. The “I’ll pray for you but you shouldn’t having a child at your age” position has been filled past capacity, I assure you.