Out of wedlock explination

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riverman

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My wife and I have been put in a delema by my sis-in-law. She is not married and pregnant. We have explained to our children when asked why we have children, "God saw that mommy and I loved each other and decided it was a good time to entrust us with a child to raise for Him. We have 4 ages 10, 8, 5, and 3. How do we tell them their Auntie is going to have a baby after we told them babies are gifts he gives to Married couples. I told my eldest, sometimes unmarried people have babies but that is because they decided to go against what God wants. Is this good to continue with this and have them think thier Auntie is a bad person for going against the Lord? Any advice on how to explain it will be greatly appreciated.
 
What I tell my kids is that there is God’s way and the world’s way. God would prefer that we choose His way, but some people choose the world’s way. We hope that someday they will decide to choose God’s way, and we can pray for them.
 
Arlene said:
What I tell my kids is that there is God’s way and the world’s way. God would prefer that we choose His way, but some people choose the world’s way. We hope that someday they will decide to choose God’s way, and we can pray for them.
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This seems compassionate and appropriate. I would make sure to emphasize the part about the person CHOOSING the world’s way. When I was little, I saw a public service announcement on teen pregnancy, basically a bunch of pregnant girls saying how awful it was and how they never thought such a thing would happen to them. I lived in terror for some time thinking that it was something you could catch, like a cold, and that it could happen to you without your knowledge or consent. :o
 
When we explain things to children, it’s always best to tell the truth, even if it must be limited because of their age. It’s not really a good idea to tell kids that God gives children to married people, because He also gives them to singles as well. He is the one who can turn evil into good, remember, and the baby may be the good coming out of a bad situation.
But i would say to a child, your aunt is having a baby. It’s sad that the baby’s father doesn’t live with them, but we will love your aunt and the baby just the same.
I met a little boy the other day who said he “didn’t have a father.” He was convinced of that, even though I told him he did, his father just didn’t live with him. His mother had apparently told him he didn’t have one; what a sad thing to do to a child.
The truth, though sometimes painful, is always best. The ultimate truth is that God loves all of us incredibly much; it all comes down to that in the end.
 
Viki59 said:
I met a little boy the other day who said he “didn’t have a father.” He was convinced of that, even though I told him he did, his father just didn’t live with him. His mother had apparently told him he didn’t have one; what a sad thing to do to a child.
The truth, though sometimes painful, is always best. The ultimate truth is that God loves all of us incredibly much; it all comes down to that in the end.
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You don’t know the situation that mother and child were in. When my Daughter was very small I told her she didn’t have a father. I was raped and small children do not need that kind of information. I Gave her only enough information for her to feel satisfied with the answer and not be traumatized. To most little kids a “Daddy” is a man that loves them and plays with them and helps care for them. By the way most kids see it, she definately didn’t have one.

Just recently I had to answer her question “Mommy, who helped you and God make me?” And I had the horrible task of explaining it was someone who wasn’t nice but that God knew just what was needed to make her a wonderful little girl and that God wanted her to live with just me. If someone had tried to convince her that ‘she had a daddy that just didn’t live with us’ before she was ready to ask on her own, I’d have been LIVID. Sometimes the *full *truth is not what is best for children at any given time. It should always be age appropriate. How can you judge age appropriateness for another person’s child?
 
I guess it was a mistake to tell them that only married people have babies, since it’s not true. :o My parents told me that and it really damaged their credibility when I found out they had lied.

Could any harm come from saying, “God’s rule is that people should be married before asking Him for a baby, but He loves and trusts us so much, that sometimes He will give a baby to someone who broke His rule”?
 
Riverman, I’d tell them that God planned for families to be a married man and woman having children but that people sin and do not always follow God’s plan exactly. This dosn’t have to make them think their aunt is a bad person. Remind them that, they too, sometimes make bad choices and have to ask forgiveness from God for not doing things His way.

Even in my situation, if no one had sinned that night (The man had not raped me) There would be no child out of wedlock. So also explain to them that there are always concequences for sin, and often many of those concequences are for OTHERS not necessarily just the sinner. If they hit their sister, it hurts sister, If a woman has a baby outside of marriage, the Baby dosn’t get to have a daddy around.
 
This is a talk that I’ll be having to have soon with my boys, so I was particularly interested in everyone else’s replies. In our case, my husband had a child out of wedlock before we met. So I’ll have to deal with the fact that it was their father who committed a sin. (Didn’t mean for that to sound judgemental, as we all have done things that we regret, and I am not as concerned about his past and I’m so thankful that he and I are married to each other. Weird situation.)

We haven’t sat down and specifically had a “birds 'n bees” speech with the boys (aged 4 and 6), so they only know that God makes babies. We’ve told them that He takes a part of the mama and a part of the daddy and puts them together in a special way in the mama’s tummy. If they ask more specific questions I’ll go into greater detail. But without the need to explain more, our attitude is to protect their innocence as long as possible. It’s good that they’re being homeschooled.

I don’t know exactly what we’re going to tell the kids when they start asking. My stepdaughter has already asked the question why her mother was never married to my husband. I let him field that question. :eek: He pretty much told her it was because sometimes adults cannot get along well with each other and that it would have been bad for them to be fighting all the time. He didn’t go into specifics, as it isn’t appropriate to burden a 7 yr old with that info. She hasn’t asked anything specific to the physical act that conceived her. As she’s in public school, we’re expecting this soon and we’re unsure as to what to tell her. I really like Syele’s explanation. “God needed someone just like you in the world, and the only way to get someone like you was to have a part of your daddy and a part of your mommy mixed together.” I don’t want to sidestep the immorality of premarital sex, but at their ages, I don’t want to dwell on it either.
 
We will be facing this issue as soon as it becomes obvious to my kids that my (unmarried) sister is pregnant. She has been seeing her boyfriend for some time, the kids all like him, he’s very good to them, and they plan to get married (hopefully soon.) Nonetheless, my kids can do math.

I expect I will tell them that I stand by what I have always said, that this is not what we want them doing, that it is wrong in God’s eyes, that we expect them to wait till marriage, but not to be harsh in their judgments because 1) we live in a day and age absolutely saturated with the idea that pre-marital sex is good and normal and 2) even if they don’t fall in that way, we all make mistakes somewhere along the line.

I will also point out that, on the positive side (considering what could happen in this day and age) they are both committed to each other and this baby and marriage and they are not getting an abortion, and encourage them to continue to see the good in people.

My kids, btw, range from 16 months up to 17 years, so my answers aren’t necessarily appropriate for those with just very young children.
 
  1. She is pregnant because God wanted to entrust a child to her care, if only for the time she is pregnant.
  2. She told God by her actions that it was OK for Him to do that.
  3. God asks us not to give Him that permission, but sometimes people do anyway. Kind of like telling a friend it’s OK for them to cut your hair, but it’s really not, and then Mom or Dad might make you go around with that bad haircut and be embarassed, so everyone will know you were disobedient. OR, “I didn’t want to have to ground you this week, but you didn’t behave properly.”
  4. We’re glad she made one mistake, not two, and will pray for her and the baby and the baby’s father.
 
vluvski said:
  1. She is pregnant because God wanted to entrust a child to her care, if only for the time she is pregnant.
  2. She told God by her actions that it was OK for Him to do that.
  3. God asks us not to give Him that permission, but sometimes people do anyway. Kind of like telling a friend it’s OK for them to cut your hair, but it’s really not, and then Mom or Dad might make you go around with that bad haircut and be embarassed, so everyone will know you were disobedient. OR, “I didn’t want to have to ground you this week, but you didn’t behave properly.”
  4. We’re glad she made one mistake, not two, and will pray for her and the baby and the baby’s father.
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Now that is a beautifully simple, loving and compassionate way of explaining!
 
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