Overbearing Father / Husband

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Children relationship with their fathers is so important that when this relationship fails because a father does not know how to be one, it will result in untold hurt and damage to the character of the child as he grows up.

Many people cannot identify with God as a Father because they never experienced their fathers’ love or that their experience of their fathers is one of negativity.

Often the cause of dysfunctional family.

The wife should try to gently tell the husband, in private and never in front of the children, that he has to be the father that God wants him to be - gentle, loving, diligent and disciplined, his firmness should always be tempered with loving kindness.
 
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I should know, but what is the definition of emotional abuse? I think we’re in so deep that I can’t seem to identify it.

*Please note that our kids are exceptionally respectful and we’ve been blessed beyond measure with having them. These are just the most recent examples.

Two of my girls hate when he takes days off from work as it results in him being critical and constantly demanding. For ex. our daughter wants to quit a favorite sport because he often ends up making her feel inept during their “practices” and will punish her for not doing her best. He’ll embarrass her in public by making her do pushups as a punishment.

He’ll pawn off all kinds of responsibility to my other daughter that he places no value on what she does. He doesn’t want to deal with baby and will expect her to just take over despite her school schedule or household duties. He will criticize how she cleans, how she tends to the dog, etc. They both (my daughters) are so angry as they know they are not allowed to “fight” back with backtalk.

Dh cannot deal with the repetitive noises from our autistic son. He ALWAYS makes him stop as it annoys him. Even if it’s the most insignificant noises. He would even go “into his face” to scare him to stop.

Our other son has learned to maintain peace with his dad by humoring him and staying out of his way. He will not fight back and will always try to please him by appeasing his every wish. He’s also “learned” that he can shirk his responsibilities onto his sisters, especially cleaning and handling the baby.

We’ve been in for so long that life can be so bitter with him. My daughters don’t even want to get married for fear of enduring more of that kind of behavior.
 
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Reuben_J said:
Many people cannot identify with God as a Father because they never experienced their fathers’ love or that their experience of their fathers is one of negativity.
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This breaks my heart. My kids go through this every single day. My husband has been like this from DAY 1.
 
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I vote for activity you described qualifying as emotional abuse. It even sounds like physical abuse (pushups). In all charity, please don’t have any more children with this man.
 
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I would describe those actions as abusive, OP. Honestly, I think your children would be much better off without him altogether - you can see the effect he is having on them.
 
What you describe is oppression. This kind of emotional abuse can cripple our ability to relate to others, to set up healthy boundaries and even to simply love someone else.
Mom gets a double dose. I’m sure he is constantly criticizing you as well and then in addition to that you have to suffer watching your children live in fear and rejection.
I had a similar situation and in our case there was nothing I could do except get us out of there. That was 15 years ago and my children’s father has not changed his behavior in any way.
For your own sake, for your children, please seek out spiritual advice and support. You deserve it and God does not expect you to live in in oppression.
I’ll be praying for you. Please pray for us too as we are still living with the effects of the abuse we endured.
 
Cecilia_Dympna said:
Just boot him and his crazy mother out.
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OMG, I didn’t realize this was the same person who started the thread about the MIL moving in.

I’d video him yelling at/“in the face” of the autistic son with my phone and any other abusive cr*p he did, then I’d find the best lawyer my husband’s money could buy.
 
Yes, or at least video him yelling at your son or daughters and show it to him. See what his reaction to that is, and yes, see a lawyer about separating until the time that he gets help.

I would also make sure there is a copy of the video elsewhere before showing it to him, in case he takes your phone in an effort to eradicate your evidence of his behavior.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Yes, or at least video him yelling at your son or daughters and show it to him. See what his reaction to that is, and yes, see a lawyer about separating until the time that he gets help.

I would also make sure there is a copy of the video elsewhere before showing it to him, in case he takes your phone in an effort to eradicate your evidence of his behavior.
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Yes. And whatever else you do or don’t do, see a lawyer so that you know what your rights and responsibilities are, both if you stay and if you decide to end this abuse. Many lawyers will give a free initial consultation.
 
There’s obviously abuse occurring. This is a bad relationship that needs help. If he shows no interest in changing, it’s time to consult a lawyer.

Personally, men such as this need put in their proper place.
 
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I thought this OP was a chronic complainer, but when she says things like this are done to her kids…It almost wish right now that these forums weren’t anonymous.
OP you have to get your kids out of this situation. Someone in your community WILL see how he treats his kids, and call child protective Services! Then you will lose them as well!
And he’s brought his mother, who he moved away from to get away from her abuse, to live with you…I’m not saying h’s planning it, but it could turn into an elder abuse situation! Some Christian household!
Get your kids out of that house, or get him out! Nothing else will work, now.
 
no1special said:
Counseling hasn’t worked.
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This article explains why counseling will often fail with a spouse who is emotionally abusive. Basically, it boils down to the fact that the abuser doesn’t have self-regulation skills so while in counseling the counselor can direct the conversation, it falls apart when you leave the office because the “outside” regulation is no longer there and the abuser hasn’t gained any skills to do this for him/her self.

The comments with this article are also helpful if you click the link to them.

www.psychologytoday.com

Emotional Abuse: Why Your Marriage Counseling Failed

If you live with a resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive person, you most likely have tried marriage counseling that made things worse at home.
www.psychologytoday.com www.psychologytoday.com
 
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Cecilia_Dympna said:
Hi, You’ve started many threads regarding your abusive husband. Including one where you described wanting to be submissive and he be the head. I really do not want to discuss wifely submission. But what the hell are you doing?
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I have a bad feeling that many wives with emotionally abusive husbands end up trying the “wifely submission” thing because in their search for answers they stumble across those “fundamentalist Christian” websites that seem to think it’s the end-all, be-all answer to every marriage problem. The testimonials can be pretty convincing and in the search for some peace at any cost, many wives will try it. I say, of course it seems to work. You give the abuser everything they want and never oppose them so things do settle down for awhile…until the submissive wife ends up with either a nervous breakdown from walking on eggshells and taking the burden the of the abusers emotional regulation on herself or she just gets plain sick of it and wakes up when she decides she deserves some dignity and respect too.

I think a lot women, especially those who want to do the right thing by God and their marriage, can fall for this lie that is promoted as Christian truth. It’s especially easy for those who are being emotionally abused and do wonder or have confusion about if the abuser’s accusations of everything being their fault, is correct.
 
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OP, who is your support network?
Do you have parents still alive or a sibling you can bring the kids to and stay there?
I grew up in a situation like the one you describe.
The results were disastrous.
That’s all I’m going to say.

Get help
Get out
 
Just finished bringing up the softball issue with DH and he insisted there was nothing wrong with how he “coaches” our daughter. And now he’s pouting and has refused to go to any practices and games. He’s furious with her for telling me and is giving her the cold shoulder.

SHE’S 10 YEARS OLD FOR PETE’S SAKE!!
 
At least it’s all been said now. If he doesn’t go to the game, that is his loss. Your daughter may enjoy the break from his berating comments.
 
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