Overbearing mother in law and grandmother in law

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ymartinez1015 said:
Oh my word…I called my mother in law to speak to my grandmother in law in regards to a question my grandmother in law had. My mother in law answered the phone, and for some reason my nerves began to shamble. I was hoping to keep the conversation brief however she decided to carry on and told me how her son made the best choice ever to marry me, how she knew in her gut I was the right one for him and she is very happy he has me as his wife. My response was, as long as you feel it in your gut, heart and soul and you are genuine about your feelings, we are good to go. Then she proceeded to tell me she loves me and passed the phone to my grandmother in law.
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Does the dear lady imbibe from time to time?🙂
 
mary_bobo said:
Does the dear lady imbibe from time to time?🙂
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Here is the thing. My mother in law and my husband’s ex mother in law are best friends. My mother in law still has a heart for her ex daughter in law. Which is why I don’t think she is genuine about her feelings towards me. My husband was bothered by the way I reacted when I was talking to his mom. I was not rude to her however when I was telling my husband how I felt during the phone call, he was a bit bothered. Sometimes I feel like my husband can be a bit naive about certain things.
 
Your MIL sound really nice compared with mine. I don’t think gushing about your husband really sounds that awful. Would you rather her be mean and critical? I guess I could see it if you and he were having problems and she was trying to lay it all in you, but it sounds like you and he are fine. 🤷 Are you sure your anxiety doesn’t have less to do with your MIL’s actual behavior and more to do with your anxiety over her unwillingness to cut her long-time friend out of her life because she happens to be the mother of your husbands first wife? Believe me, I’m usually first in line to sympathize with MIL problems, but I just don’t get this one.
 
Allegra said:
Your MIL sound really nice compared with mine. I don’t think gushing about your husband really sounds that awful. Would you rather her be mean and critical? I guess I could see it if you and he were having problems and she was trying to lay it all in you, but it sounds like you and he are fine. 🤷 Are you sure your anxiety doesn’t have less to do with your MIL’s actual behavior and more to do with your anxiety over her unwillingness to cut her long-time friend out of her life because she happens to be the mother of your husbands first wife? Believe me, I’m usually first in line to sympathize with MIL problems, but I just don’t get this one.
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It is kind of hard to explain what and how I am truly feeling. No one is perfect, I don’t expect her to be. I do have a plan of action for when she visits. I will simply take it one day at a time. I suppose you can say, because she her best friend is my husbands ex mother in law, it can be a bit tricky and to an extent, makes me fee uncomfortable. My husbands ex mother in law is not happy for my husband nor do I expect her to be.
 
ymartinez1015 said:
Here is the thing. My mother in law and my husband’s ex mother in law are best friends. My mother in law still has a heart for her ex daughter in law. Which is why I don’t think she is genuine about her feelings towards me. My husband was bothered by the way I reacted when I was talking to his mom. I was not rude to her however when I was telling my husband how I felt during the phone call, he was a bit bothered. Sometimes I feel like my husband can be a bit naive about certain things.
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I understand how you feel, however could it be that you are feeling inadequate because of the ex-wife? I don’t think it is reasonable to expect your MIL to stop a friendship with the ex’s mother if that is a long time thing. Just remember, your husband chose you, he loves YOU. Start working on your own feelings and let time take care of itself. Time usually does. Be as nice to her as you can be when she visits and remember that she is your husband’s mother. Treat her with respect and if she is not pleasant, ignore it. It is only for two weeks.
 
mary_bobo said:
I understand how you feel, however could it be that you are feeling inadequate because of the ex-wife? I don’t think it is reasonable to expect your MIL to stop a friendship with the ex’s mother if that is a long time thing. Just remember, your husband chose you, he loves YOU. Start working on your own feelings and let time take care of itself. Time usually does. Be as nice to her as you can be when she visits and remember that she is your husband’s mother. Treat her with respect and if she is not pleasant, ignore it. It is only for two weeks.
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Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it 🙂
 
mary_bobo said:
Good ideas. When she says something about how wonderful her son is, agree and tell her that is why you married him. Most mothers think that way about their children. Grit your teeth. You also might have her make her son’s favorite dish. It would make her feel important and you won’t have to cook that night.
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When mine would come to visit, I would ask her to show me how to make some of my husband’s favorite recipes.

You know how it is with some family recipes, where ingredients are just “eyeballed?” It was that way in my family too, so I would have her dictate ingredients, and I would write them down.

This way, I have some of his favorite recipes now, and when she was here, we had a nice time making them together, too.

I think that it’s a good idea to plan some activities to do ahead of time, so that you have something to look forward to doing with her.

If she has been with you to visit you before, maybe you could take her to some of her favorite places that she likes to visit when she comes to see you.
 
oldgraymare2 said:
When mine would come to visit, I would ask her to show me how to make some of my husband’s favorite recipes.

You know how it is with some family recipes, where ingredients are just “eyeballed?” It was that way in my family too, so I would have her dictate ingredients, and I would write them down.

This way, I have some of his favorite recipes now, and when she was here, we had a nice time making them together, too.

I think that it’s a good idea to plan some activities to do ahead of time, so that you have something to look forward to doing with her.

If she has been with you to visit you before, maybe you could take her to some of her favorite places that she likes to visit when she comes to see you.
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I was thinking more along the lines of having places she could go visit while she is in town. As far as making meals with her and learning recipes, I’ll have to think about that one. I’m thinking of maybe having her cook one meal.
 
Do you have time between now and then to take a course or find some way to learn to set boundaries?
 
ymartinez1015 said:
The plan is to maintain our normal routine. Our children are in school and have a routine from morning and when they get home from school. They are visiting in October, which may or not may not a good time for my husband and I. We had a scare in December 2015 and October will dictate our mood. This is another issue. As much as I don’t want it to be, it could potentially be one. When we visited my mother in law in late October, she was surprised and not too happy about my husband going to bed early with me. I foresee this happening again.
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One thing that I am better about now than in the earlier days of my marriage, is not feeling like I had to fight all of my husband’s battles. It’s not that I wouldn’t defend him, but that I don’t think it’s necessary to speak for him. He is his own person, and especially to his own family, is capable of expressing himself, should they choose to ask him a direct question. Often, such conversations are a subtle form of gossip or an attempt at manipulation. So I prefer to just be uninterested in a person’s problem with my husband than attempt (and probably fail) to be a mediator.

So if your MIL doesn’t like that your husband is going to bed early, why would she need to complain to you? My response would be something like, “hmmm…” (and nothing else) or “hmmm, I guess you’d have to talk to him…” or “hmmm…I don’t know, I guess he prefers to go to bed earlier now…” The “hmmmm…” is to make that point that you don’t really care and haven’t thought about it before and the rest is to point out that he is a big boy who can handle his own bedtime, and that it is not anyone else’s business. After all, why on earth would one adult’s bedtime be a topic of conversation between two other adults?

I’m sure there are other conversations than bedtime, but I would avoid the trap of defending him. It is too easy to guess incorrectly what he would say, or to say something that doesn’t actually help the situation. Better to just avoid those conversations and change the topic to more pleasant things. (and talk to him about having some short, non-argumentative, vague answers like, “I just prefer it this way now” and, “it just works better for me this way now” etc.)
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
One thing that I am better about now than in the earlier days of my marriage, is not feeling like I had to fight all of my husband’s battles. It’s not that I wouldn’t defend him, but that I don’t think it’s necessary to speak for him. He is his own person, and especially to his own family, is capable of expressing himself, should they choose to ask him a direct question. Often, such conversations are a subtle form of gossip or an attempt at manipulation. So I prefer to just be uninterested in a person’s problem with my husband than attempt (and probably fail) to be a mediator.

So if your MIL doesn’t like that your husband is going to bed early, why would she need to complain to you? My response would be something like, “hmmm…” (and nothing else) or “hmmm, I guess you’d have to talk to him…” or “hmmm…I don’t know, I guess he prefers to go to bed earlier now…” The “hmmmm…” is to make that point that you don’t really care and haven’t thought about it before and the rest is to point out that he is a big boy who can handle his own bedtime, and that it is not anyone else’s business. After all, why on earth would one adult’s bedtime be a topic of conversation between two other adults?

I’m sure there are other conversations than bedtime, but I would avoid the trap of defending him. It is too easy to guess incorrectly what he would say, or to say something that doesn’t actually help the situation. Better to just avoid those conversations and change the topic to more pleasant things. (and talk to him about having some short, non-argumentative, vague answers like, “I just prefer it this way now” and, “it just works better for me this way now” etc.)
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I agree.
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
One thing that I am better about now than in the earlier days of my marriage, is not feeling like I had to fight all of my husband’s battles. It’s not that I wouldn’t defend him, but that I don’t think it’s necessary to speak for him. He is his own person, and especially to his own family, is capable of expressing himself, should they choose to ask him a direct question. Often, such conversations are a subtle form of gossip or an attempt at manipulation. So I prefer to just be uninterested in a person’s problem with my husband than attempt (and probably fail) to be a mediator.

**So if your MIL doesn’t like that your husband is going to bed early, why would she need to complain to you? My response would be something like, “hmmm…” (and nothing else) or “hmmm, I guess you’d have to talk to him…” or “hmmm…I don’t know, I guess he prefers to go to bed earlier now…” The “hmmmm…” is to make that point that you don’t really care and haven’t thought about it before and the rest is to point out that he is a big boy who can handle his own bedtime, and that it is not anyone else’s business. After all, why on earth would one adult’s bedtime be a topic of conversation between two other adults? **

I’m sure there are other conversations than bedtime, but I would avoid the trap of defending him. It is too easy to guess incorrectly what he would say, or to say something that doesn’t actually help the situation. Better to just avoid those conversations and change the topic to more pleasant things. (and talk to him about having some short, non-argumentative, vague answers like, “I just prefer it this way now” and, “it just works better for me this way now” etc.)
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Yeah.
 
mary_bobo said:
I don’t think you can control how she perceives you. That is within her. Perhaps you should treat her as part of the family and ask her to help out with things, i.e. don’t treat her like a guest (after all she is part of your husband’s family).
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I agree with this. MIL isn’t a guest. She’s family. Treat her like family. Family help out. They do the dishes, they help with cooking, they go shopping and they look after the kids. Don’t give her tasks but ask her to help and accept her answer. She’ll tell you if it isn’t something she is happy to do. If you’re not comfortable asking, then gracefully accept her assistance if she offers it.

I know when I have visited my brother and SIL interstate I would have been very uncomfortable and felt quite unwelcome if I was treated as a ‘guest’. I was a guest in their home but I am also family. There is nothing wrong with a family member cleaning your kitchen after dinner so you can focus on getting the kids in bed. Or simply because they’re home and you’re not and they had nothing better to do anyway.

The one SIL in our family who had trouble was the one who insisted on treating her in-laws like guests. We were never family for her - we were unwanted guests that she had to put up with.

Q: If your mother came to visit, would you treat her as a ‘guest’ and wait on her hand on foot even if she wanted to help?
 
ymartinez1015 said:
The problem is, she will want to take over and dictate how things will be done in my home and will be overbearing.
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You might need to say to her, “This is how it is. Please sit down.” Remember, she is a guest in YOUR home. You’re not obligated to bow down to her every whim. Call her out on inappropriate behaviour in the moment. Change the topic if you need to.

Frankly, if she’s that bad, I’m not sure why you’re even having her visit. Yes, the Bible says to honour our parents. But if our parents are toxic people, I think we honour them the most by praying for them from a distance, recognizing that a face-to-face encounter could become a near occasion of sin. (Truly, I believe this. We have essentially cut-off FIL due to inappropriate behaviour. Hubby is 100% on board with this and initiated the cut-off.)

Your husband needs to have your back 100%. He needs to be the one to talk to his mother when she’s getting out of hand - and he needs to phrase it as “WE feel this way”, not “my wife feels this way”, otherwise she gets the impression that, “Well, I don’t really mind it, but it upsets the little woman, and it’s just easier for me if you go along to get along”.
 
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