Overbearing mothers

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Pinkyyy

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My mother can be a piece of work. She worked as a secretary for 10 years before quitting and staying home. She hasn’t had any outside experience in 20 year except to go shopping. BUT, the thinks she knows it all!

It’s so bad that I literally deleted her number from my cell just so I wouldn’t be tempted to call her - I mean, it’s so bad that if I do talk to her on the phone, I wish I just never called her in the first place.

She is very liberal - and vocal. She’s not afraid to tell you are WRONG and she’s RIGHT - too bad for YOU.

This may sound stupid, but I was on the phone with her and she says to me, “did you lose your weight yet?” I gained weight after staying home with my son. I said “ehh”, and she goes, If I was there, this wouldn’t be going on"

I was dumbfounded - I was thinking yeah, this coming from the woman that let me get to 230 pounds at 13. And I said “yeah right”. She said “I MADE you lose the weight before”

Wow - this woman actually thinks she is responsible for my weight loss. She couldn’t get me to lose weight for the first 14 years of my life - I did it myself before entering high school. I worked out an hour a day - limited my food a lot, and SHE takes the credit for something I decided to do?!?!?!?!? She couldn’t make someone lose weight if their life depended on it. It was my decision to do it - she had nothing to do with it.

I mean, how do you deal with someone like this when you HAVE to - she’s my mother!
 
Well she won’t get any awards for tact or diplomacy!

It is difficult to bear with anyone who doesn’t give us credit for some major effort but takes the glory…and when you know they’re not listening to who you are, and think they know what’s best for you.

It’s quite true that others can’t make us lose weight…which is awfully difficult once it’s there anyway, and nobody wants the weight off more than we ourselves!

When some older relative troubles me by their behaviour, I resolve, and pray, please God, when I get to that age, don’t let me be like that, or treat anyone like that!

What can you do right now that will make you feel better…I don’t mean stick a pin into your mother’s photo! Something that makes the fire die down and you feel more peaceful…till next time.

I hope you can form strategies that can change the dynamic between you, a different way of responding to her less tactful offerings…I wonder!.. Easier said than done.

God bless, Trishie :coffee: :coffee:
 
Pinkyyy said:
My mother can be a piece of work. She worked as a secretary for 10 years before quitting and staying home. She hasn’t had any outside experience in 20 year except to go shopping. BUT, the thinks she knows it all!
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Wait a minute here - not working outside the home does not mean one does not have any experiences! Your mom would be the way she is no matter what!

Brenda V.
 
i know what your saying - I am not slamming SAHM - I stay at home.
 
This is what my Mom always told me it may help you. Usually when Mothers are like that they really dont have any self-esteem. Its kinda like the husband who mentally abuses his wife, they dont have any self worth so they take yours. Probally with the weight issue you mom is either fat or was or her mom did that to her. So she was either made fun of and in her mind doesnt want you to suffer, or saw how people can abuse fat people and does not want that for you. Its usually history repeating itself. To her that is the only love she knows, Sad but true. So respect her, try to tolerate her. and somehow you have to confront the issue to end it. It may not be today but hopefully some day. But give her the benefit of the doubt that she loves you. She just doesnt know how to show it. Some people were just never taught. Maybe some how you can teach her that you love her no matter what, and wish she could feel the same. Instead of disagreeing with her, just say Mom that hurt me, why do you hurt me. If she says i didnt realize it say okay now you know when you comment on my weight you hurt me, lets not do that anymore. It will take time, but it works.
 
your mom and my mom and mother-in-law should get together for lunch:)
 
pinkyy,
congrats on your son and congrats on your former weight loss. when you really had at it, you got the job done. if/ when you want to lose weight again, you’ve got the plan and the discipline to do it.

but that’ll be in your time, your decision.
 
pinkyy,
congrats on your son and congrats on your former weight loss. when you really had at it, you got the job done-- and you were just a kid then! if/ when you want to lose weight again, you’ve got the plan and the discipline to do it.

but that’ll be in your time, your decision.

i’m sorry your mother doesn’t recognise that you’re an adult. i think it’s important to discipline yourself to be ever so careful to maintain adult behavior around her-- you’ll probably not convince her you ***are ***an adult, but you sure don’t want to confirm her misconceptions that you’re not.

and what to say? not much, really. “look ma, gotta run. bye. love you.”

and yeah. write the list in your head-- ***one hundred and one ways how NOT to treat your kids. *** refer to it often.
 
Welcome to the OMC (Over-bearing mothers club) Lots of us could count ourselves as members.

Just came through a week-long visit from mine–and was honestly so afraid it would be yet another disaster. But as time and maturity have taken effect, I find I have an easier time being less invested in my mother’s opinion. I treat her comments as if someone off the street made them and respond without emotion or argument. When she tries to needle me or get a response, I am very neutral–responding with things like: “that’s an interesting approach, " I’ll consider that,” “I’ve never thought about it that way” --responses which are non-confrontational and avoid conflict.

I’ve learned trying to impress upon her that I have a different approach or come to a different conclusion on a given subject is a waste of time. In her mind, her way is the only way and she’s not really interested in my reasoning or thoughts–she just wants to be right and preferably in control. It reflects a level of self-absorbtion and social immaturity that I cannot combat directly. Take my advice, save yourself the aggravation and start finding a way to neutralize her effect on you~you’ll be a much saner person and maybe even find a way back to appreciating the talents/skills she does have so you can manage a relationship that is not all negative.
 
Well, I don’t know if my mom is an “overbearing mother” by definition, but with certain topics she can be. Weight is one of them. She has her own issues with weight and with her children’s weights. That’s her problem. She has played a big part in creating my weight issues that I have. Now, I am very overweight, and it really freaks her out. I hate being overweight too (duh), but I can’t talk to her about it, because her own fears and issues get in the way of her being helpful - instead she becomes very critical and says alot of obnoxious unhelpful things that put me in a bad place emotionally. So weight is an off limits topic of conversation for us.

Usually I just change the topic if it comes up. Sometimes she doesn’t realize I’m avoiding certain issues, sometimes it is really obvious. Other times, I have actually said, “I’m not going to talk to you about my weight because you mess with my head.” Ultimately, I prefer that she knows it is off limits, because I prefer that she knows she is being harmful in this way. The thing is, you can tell her, but you won’t convince her, so telling her the truth once or twice is good, but from then on it’s about setting boundaries.
 
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