Overbearing Parents

[loverofbeauty]

Help with forgiveness.

I am a 25 year old Catholic male, who came from a rather scrupulous home.

My parents were cradle Catholics, and my siblings and I were homeschooled for most of our life.

I was an imaginative child with a deep love of fantasy literature. I loved Lewis Carroll, CS Lewis, Tolkien, Lloyd Alexander, etc. My mom and dad tolerated my love of fantasy, but often commented on how they didn’t exactly approve of it. They only approved of the above authors because they were on my mom’s home-school reading list. They showed very little understanding of why we read fantasy, other than, “well it’s recommended reading.” I once told my dad what I read in Greek mythology and he looked at my mom disapprovingly, like “why is he reading that?” to which she replied, “well it’s recommended reading.”

I grew aware of my parents disapproval of my love for fantasy. And subconsciously began to think there was something wrong with me. When I went to high school for the first time, while my other siblings rebelled by drinking, smoking pot, etc, I rebelled by reading Harry Potter. When my parents found out, it was as if I had sold my soul to the devil, and they often let me know “your soul is very dark right now.”
To them, I had quite literally brought Satan into the house, and they had a priest we had never met come over for dinner to explain to me in front of the whole family why Harry Potter was evil. They proceeded to exorcise the house after dinner, from the demons I had brought in.
I was guilty of disobeying, and sorry for it, but of bringing Satan into the house? As an impressionable person, this further fed the thoughts that I was evil, and that my love of fantasy was somehow responsible for this because my mom said “fantasy is how it always starts” with this kind of stuff.
I believe there is evil fantasy, and there is a debate to be had over the problematic content in Harry Potter. But does reading it make you evil?

I recently discerned out of going to seminary. It was not my calling. My parents were not happy about this. They both said the same thing: “We always thought you had a vocation, but the devil started working on you when you were 12.”

I suddenly woke up and realized what kind of manipulation I was under. Not only was I confusing God’s will with my parents will, but for the longest time, I had been allowing them to make me think I was evil when I actually just liked fantasy.

I know now there is nothing wrong with what I love, it is not against nature. Only against what my parents think it means to be a Catholic.

I want to forgive my parents, but the anger I have for this is strong. I recently joined a support group called ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) to help move past the hurt of dysfunctional parents and to try to see them as human beings. It’s a daily challenge to not be angry. I want to have a normal relationship with them because they are my family, but it’s hard to visit home without being reminded that I don’t measure up. (This extends well beyond liking fantasy and not joining the priesthood.)

Any and all advice on how to handle this situation would be appreciated.

 

[1ke]

. I want to have a normal relationship with them because they are my family, but it’s hard to visit home without being reminded that I don’t measure up. (This extends well beyond liking fantasy and not joining the priesthood.)

Any and all advice on how to handle this situation would be appreciated.

You may not be able to have a normal relationship with them because they sound anything BUT normal. They sound a little coo-coo actually.

So you may have to realize that they did the best the could laboring under whatever delusions, intentions, mental capacity or state, etc, that they were in. they did what they thought best, even though that really wasn’t best objectively speaking.

They are what they are and you can’t change it. You can only change yourself.

Your desire for a normal, loving relationship with your parents is natural. It may simply be out of your reach due to their side of the equation.

Get some professional counsel with a therapist on how to make peace with that.

 

[Cruciferi]

You have to get get proper spiritual direction from a Priest, and see a counselor.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I would say to move on. Don’t go to see them if you don’t have to.

It sounds like you want to move on, so move on. Beyond that, it’s difficult to say much more when only one side of a story is being read.

 

[loverofbeauty]

Thank you all for your feedback. I have actually sought counseling and receive spiritual direction from a priest often.

And yes, I do want to move on. But what I think I want more right now is to be able to tell them how I feel. To be able to point out: “I was a good kid. I never got into trouble with drugs or alcohol, always tried to be nice to people, graduated from a good Catholic college, went to church and received the sacraments, have lived a chaste life. I am not perfect, but I am aware of my imperfections and try to be a good person. Why did you see me as evil when I was young?”

I may know part of the answer to that. Arguing was not allowed in our home. When the law was laid down, I was the only kid to ever ask “Why? Why do we believe this?” I did not ask because I doubted the faith, but only because I wanted to understand. Generally speaking, my parents could not provide good answers, and acted threatened by my simple childhood curiosity.
Unfortunately, most of my mother’s opinions and decisions were based on the voices of the homeschool moms she befriended. Women I now know to be racist. (One of their daughters began to date a black boy and the parents refused to meet him). Fortunately, my parents are not racist, but continue to surround themselves with these kind of fanatics. These families, like mine, had good intentions but often are very misguided about what it means to be Catholic.

I wish I could have a discussion with them, but they get very defensive if you criticize them, even constructively.

I do have to move on. I live in a different state now so it’s easy to go about my day without seeing them. But I cannot shake this desire to speak with them about what’s on my heart. I just know full well that it would not be conducive to healing.

I’m trying to see God as my parent now, the one who will listen to what’s on my heart and give constructive and loving answers.

 

[Irishmom2]

I think that you sound like an amazing young man that is able to clearly assess what has gone on in your life. For that, you are way ahead of some people that are even older than your parents. Still, I hear your desire for an explanation and acceptance or acknowledgement from your parents.

That may not come or it may come years from now. But you have to be able to continue to move forward with your life whether it comes or not. You sound like you are doing all of the right things by getting counseling and spiritual direction.

Do one more thing. Forgive them in your heart. Forgive them even if they never asked you to, forgive them even they never will. Do it for yourself, so that you don’t have them weighing you down for years.

Give yourself distance not only in geography, but in time. They are not prepared to understand what they have done yet. They probably think they did the right thing. Let it go and don’t let it fill your thoughts. You have your whole life ahead of you. I wish you nothing but the best. May God bless you and guide you to his will for you.

 

[loverofbeauty]

Thank you for your prayers, and for reminding me that Jesus is by my side. Just reading your posts gives me hope that I can forgive each day and let go of my anger.

God bless all of you for your kind and truthful words.

 

[DarkLight]

First off, congratulations, you were faster figuring it out than I was (as I’m sure some posters who have answered my threads here can attest).

We always have these ideas, this desire to just explain it one more time. That if we just could find the magic words they would see and understand everything. And many times this just brings more heartache. There is no magic phrase to make someone see what they are not open to seeing, especially if they have an alternate explanation ready at hand.

It’s very like grieving for the relationship you could have had. I would say the best way around it is to develop other strong relationships with other people.

 

[Allegra]

Do you think it might be helpful to right a letter to your parents that you don’t intend to actually send? It might be somewhat therapeutic and then help you to let it go.

 

[hoping4more]

They sound pretty toxic. I have dealt with this a lot in my life.

Go no contact for while if you need to (sounds like you do). If you marry and with kids they may treat you with a little more respect but still don’t think you need to ask for any kind of explanation.

Never complain and never explain.

Any man that can adhere to this maxum will be much more of one. Not to sound crass, just try and figure it out for yourself without their (name removed by moderator)ut.

Maybe you can find a wife with a decent family where you can see how let kids explore and answer their curiosity. As others have said don’t hold your breath waiting for them to change; find friends, hobbies, and maybe give more thought whether you want to go into a vocation or get married.

God bless.

 

[shainski]

You’re 25. You’re an adult. Your parents have no more control over you than you will allow them to have.

What I have found in my life (not just with parents, but with anyone I disagree with) - I listen to what they have to say - I thank them for their insight - and then I make my own decision on what to do with their wisdom - even if my decision is to just disregard it and go my own way.

There is no reason to argue with someone I know that I will never be able to out-debate. So, I just look at my conversations with those as just an exercise in delving into why someone thinks the way they do - than anything that they are going to change me.

So, if the conversation were about “Harry Potter”. (If it came up - I wouldn’t go out of my way to bring up a subject that I knew they would object to - but if it somehow came up) - I would say “Really- why do you think that?” At that point, they would have to say something like
“Oh, I heard it from so and so or I read it in…”. I would simply keep the conversation going - “I wonder why he objects to it so strongly”. And I would leave the conversation with something like “Well, thanks for the insight”.

I haven’t accepted what they had to say, I haven’t demeaned them, but I haven’t accepted that their point is valid either. I realize that I will never change most adults about any subject, but if I listen to them, I will understand them better. Most conversation isn’t about winning and losing - it’s about talking. And always realize that you have all the power - unless you turn that power over to someone else.

(And I realize that it is far trickier if you are married and have children - because then you have to worry that they will give undo power to your parents). But if it’s just you - you hold all the cards.

 

[DarkLight]

Keep in mind though that you do have the power to end a conversation - by walking away, if necessary.

I know with my mother, the kind of conversations you describe tend to turn very manipulative very quickly. It tends to shift from “you should think this way because reasons” to “you should think this way because don’t you love your family?” And it tends to come up over and over and over again, unless you make very clear that you’re not dealing with that.

There are, unfortunately, people who do view these conversations as power struggles, and I think there’s a special inclination for parents to do this with adult children.