Overcoming sexual sin in marriage

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rigatoni

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I assume this is the correct forum. Please redirect me if it’s not. This post also contains some pretty personal information. I share it here because of the anonymity of a forum- I don’t think I could sit and discuss this with anyone.

My wife and I recently came to completely accept, intellectually, the Church’s teaching on sexual ethics and have tried to live our lives accordingly. Accepting it practically has been more difficult. I make $10 an hour to support a family of 5, and we absolutely cannot afford another child. We currently have three kids, including a six month old. Because of the recent birth, my wife is not anywhere near regular enough for us to begin NFP. As a result, we’ve spent the last few months struggling to remain abstinent until circumstances allow us to effectively “use” periodic abstinence.

I never knew how difficult it would be. It seems that frustrations build up, and I’ve ended up watching pornography. I repented of this and went to confession, (I think) fully sorry for what I’ve done and (I’m sure) fully committed to sinning no more. That very night, after confession and Mass, my wife and I engaged in inappropriate sexual behavior. With the porn and masturbation, I could see the problems coming on. Temptations built up, I slowly quit praying, then one day, I didn’t even bother fighting the temptation. I’m not sure what happened with the most recent problem.

I’m not sure what to do. It seems like the more committed I am to sexual purity, the less able I am to be pure. Please help. This is my life and my eternity, and I don’t know what to do to keep from sinning.
 
My heart goes out to you and your wife. I’m sure marital abstinence must seem like torture. I can’t give you any solutions but I can add you to my prayers.
 
This is a difficult time that I can not begin to understand but I do know this from personal experience. Porn has got to stop. It pollutes the mind and can/will become addictive and may end up destroying your relationship.
 
michaelmas said:
This is a difficult time that I can not begin to understand but I do know this from personal experience. Porn has got to stop. It pollutes the mind and can/will become addictive and may end up destroying your relationship.
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Hello!

This quote is so correct! I do feel for you and I am so sympathetic. I wish I could help…
 
I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. I know it is not easy.

You have to stop with porn NOW. It only makes everything else more difficult.

Sorta on another note–what are you going to do to change the situation? I am the only income in my family (of 5) and I know that $10/hr would NOT cut it. I don’t know how you guys are doing it, but you must be doing something right. However, that kind of money won’t support your family forever. Start thinking about the future (if you haven’t already) and figure out what you can do to bring more money into your household. Are you working towards a degree that will help with a new job? Can your wife babysit while she is home during the day? Can you get a second job?
 
I can only agree with the other posters as someone who once was addicted to Porn and Masterbation that you must break free from it. They themselves are not only sins but make it so much easier to sin in other ways.

That being said Im not aware of the timeframe but not having sex with your spouse for a long period of time is probably not a good thing (in most cases) I would contact some NFP contacts and ask about how you can begin to implement NFP immediately.
 
Redbaron998 said:
I can only agree with the other posters as someone who once was addicted to Porn and Masterbation that you must break free from it. They themselves are not only sins but make it so much easier to sin in other ways.

That being said Im not aware of the timeframe but not having sex with your spouse for a long period of time is probably not a good thing (in most cases) I would contact some NFP contacts and ask about how you can begin to implement NFP immediately.
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Yes I agree, we are not to refuse each other, except for short periods to pray and then return together unless there is grave circumstances. When the grave circumstance is along the lines of a physically unable spouse it may be a bit easier for the healthy spouse to abstain because they see the pain or sickness of the person they love and want to help not harm.

But when your spouse is perfectly healthy and able and you are avoiding for financial or the we just can’t handle another child right now reason, these struggles can be more difficult.

You need the help of a qualified NFP teacher. In many cultures breastfeeding lasts for years. I don’t believe it is really part of God’s plan for us to refuse our spouse for years unless absolutely necessary.

There are methods that you can use while your wife is nursing, but she needs an informed instructor.
 
rigatoni said:
My wife and I recently came to completely accept, intellectually, the Church’s teaching on sexual ethics and have tried to live our lives accordingly. Accepting it practically has been more difficult. I make $10 an hour to support a family of 5, and we absolutely cannot afford another child. We currently have three kids, including a six month old. Because of the recent birth, my wife is not anywhere near regular enough for us to begin NFP. As a result, we’ve spent the last few months struggling to remain abstinent until circumstances allow us to effectively “use” periodic abstinence.
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I’m sorry to nit-pick, but I think it might help those who are answering if we get the full details here. You say the youngest is six months old, and yet that birth was “too recent” for her to be regular?

I’m just a little confused - I’ve never heard of it taking more than 6 months to resume NFP following a birth. That is a LONG time! Is this common? :bigyikes:

Or does the poster’s wife perhaps have a medical issue that needs to be looked into?
 
I appreciate the advice regarding stopping watching porn- that’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time. This was the first time in months that I had given into temptation. I can see that it was because I had slacked off in my prayer rule and allowed frustrations to build up without praying about them.

Regarding my income, there really isn’t much to do to change the situation. I live in a rural area. For the last several years I commuted over an hour to work in order to make about 30k. 50 hours a week working, 10 hours a week driving, and 90 miles a day in gas costs and wear on my car is really equivalent to $10 an hour and no commute. I have a BA, but it’s meaningless around here.

Our first child was born in June, 2002 and our second was born in August, 2003. My wife nursed the entire time. I hope you can understand our hesitation in trusting the process while nursing. Affording NFP instruction is also a pretty tough pill to swallow. Are there good resources online about NFP while nursing? I’d be willing to read as much as I could.
 
rigatoni said:
I appreciate the advice regarding stopping watching porn- that’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time. This was the first time in months that I had given into temptation. I can see that it was because I had slacked off in my prayer rule and allowed frustrations to build up without praying about them.

Regarding my income, there really isn’t much to do to change the situation. I live in a rural area. For the last several years I commuted over an hour to work in order to make about 30k. 50 hours a week working, 10 hours a week driving, and 90 miles a day in gas costs and wear on my car is really equivalent to $10 an hour and no commute. I have a BA, but it’s meaningless around here.
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As for the porn issue–I haven’t looked at any in a looooong time (like years). I don’t even have the desire anymore, but it wasn’t always like that. In fact, I find it disgusting now. What helped me (and still does, not just on this topic, but others as well) is that I decided a while back that I NEVER wanted to give my kids any reason to be ashamed of me. I want my kids to grow up and truthfully be 100% proud of their daddy. My wife told me that when she found out that her dad had a problem with it, she never felt right sitting with him in his recliner anymore…and stopped calling him ‘daddy’. It would absolutely break my heart to have my babies that I would do ANYTHING for stop calling me daddy because they thought I was gross or perverted. Just think about that for a little while next time you think about looking at porn.

As for money…maybe you have already done this, but I’ll offer it anyway. Recently, I changed my tax withholding on my paycheck to married and 9(I have 3 kids also). Now, there are almost no taxes taken out of my check, so it makes day to day life a little easier, and we are able to put more money in savings. I will get a much smaller refund next year, but I can live with that. Maybe you can look into that for a little income boost?
 
Have you looked into the Marquette Method of Natural Family Planning? It has a breastfeeding protocol for it. It does require buying a fertility monitor and monthly test sticks, but it may give you invaluable peace of mind. I offered up a prayer for your family!
 
My husband and I just started NFP too. It is not easy. We also have 3 children and are trying to make it on even far less than you earn.
The book I am using is Your Fertility Signals by Merryl Winstein. amazon.com/Your-Fertility-Signals-Pregnancy-Naturally/dp/0961940107/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1332166117&sr=1-1
She explains how a woman can understand her cycle if she is not regular or if she is breastfeeding. Does your wife have any of this information? Now, I understand that even with this information, it can be confusing for a woman to know for certain if she is fertile or not. I would say to support your wife fully in understanding her fertility. Encourage her. It is not difficult or time-consuming exactly, but it does take thought and diligence.
Also, keep in mind that God is sovereign. He sees that you are trying to follow His plan and He is merciful and loving. You know this. I am just reminding you. 🙂 If your wife misreads her signals, God’s grace is sufficient.
Our last two children were spaced very close together (Don’t panic. This is before we started really using NFP). I was devastated when I found out I was pregnant. And early on when he was a little baby, things were very bad for me emotionally. Not that I didn’t love him, but just the difficulties of having 3 little ones. Because of that, I was very scared to use NFP exclusively. But I will say that God has used our latest child in a special way to bring many positive changes to our family. BIG changes, that were wrought with tears and difficulties. The kind of change that only God can bring to one’s heart and life. God’s plan is NOT always easy, but it IS always good. And I say this not lightly at all, but as a scared NFP-er alongside you in Christ, but if He does bless you with another baby, HE WILL PROVIDE.
I will pray for you.
 
rigatoni said:
I appreciate the advice regarding stopping watching porn- that’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time. This was the first time in months that I had given into temptation. I can see that it was because I had slacked off in my prayer rule and allowed frustrations to build up without praying about them.

Regarding my income, there really isn’t much to do to change the situation. I live in a rural area. For the last several years I commuted over an hour to work in order to make about 30k. 50 hours a week working, 10 hours a week driving, and 90 miles a day in gas costs and wear on my car is really equivalent to $10 an hour and no commute. I have a BA, but it’s meaningless around here.

Our first child was born in June, 2002 and our second was born in August, 2003. My wife nursed the entire time. I hope you can understand our hesitation in trusting the process while nursing. Affording NFP instruction is also a pretty tough pill to swallow. Are there good resources online about NFP while nursing? I’d be willing to read as much as I could.
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Has your wife had her first period since the baby was born? If your wife’s cycles have not returned, then BBT checks and fertility monitors will be of little use until AFTER she ovulates for the first time. You will have to manage the cervical fluid.

The Billings Ovulation Method is a fluid only method that can handle symptoms of fertility during breastfeeding. Ideally, you should learn the method with a qualified instructor to help you, but you and your wife can learn the method online. Even if you later switch to a Sympto-thermal Method when your wife starts cycling, the information that you learn from Billings will be helpful in understanding other methods.

woomb.org/bom/index.html
(Note: The Excel spreadsheet on this page is a great way to keep Billings (and Creighton) charts electronically.)

You may also want to look into “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler. It is very inexpensive on Amazon. IMHO, it is the single best book on the subject. It is a secular book, but you can easily ignore the parts that contradict Catholic teaching. Most of the book covers normal cycling, but she does have an appendix about breastfeeding.

Once she does start cycling, you will be able to use NFP under the normal rules. Even if she is irregular, modern methods of NFP should be able to handle this.
 
rigatoni said:
I assume this is the correct forum. Please redirect me if it’s not. This post also contains some pretty personal information. I share it here because of the anonymity of a forum- I don’t think I could sit and discuss this with anyone.

My wife and I recently came to completely accept, intellectually, the Church’s teaching on sexual ethics and have tried to live our lives accordingly. Accepting it practically has been more difficult. I make $10 an hour to support a family of 5, and we absolutely cannot afford another child. We currently have three kids, including a six month old. Because of the recent birth, my wife is not anywhere near regular enough for us to begin NFP. As a result, we’ve spent the last few months struggling to remain abstinent until circumstances allow us to effectively “use” periodic abstinence.

I never knew how difficult it would be. It seems that frustrations build up, and I’ve ended up watching pornography. I repented of this and went to confession, (I think) fully sorry for what I’ve done and (I’m sure) fully committed to sinning no more. That very night, after confession and Mass, my wife and I engaged in inappropriate sexual behavior. With the porn and masturbation, I could see the problems coming on. Temptations built up, I slowly quit praying, then one day, I didn’t even bother fighting the temptation. I’m not sure what happened with the most recent problem.

I’m not sure what to do. It seems like the more committed I am to sexual purity, the less able I am to be pure. Please help. This is my life and my eternity, and I don’t know what to do to keep from sinning.
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DH and I have been there, twice!!! It’s hard and all I can tell you is DO NOT trust ANY NFP method if you can absolutely not have another child. You can use everything you want, but with breastfeeding it is very unlikely to have any certainty. If your wife is up a million times during the night temping won’t work, mucous isn’t enough to go by as your body can TRy to ovulate several times before it manages, if you are not temping then you don’t know if that was a real ovulation and you passed the fertile period or if it was an attempted ovulation which can reoccur within a week.

Months and months of abstinence is indeed excruciating but do keep your head up, with God’s grace wonderful things can come out of it.

My husband had gotten to a point, by month 4, where he was actually questioning church teaching on contraception as he was feeling that our marriage was going down the drain due to the abstinence.

Well, you have 3 options:
  1. Risk it
  2. Wean the baby to have the menses return
  3. Abstain
neither are easy, so the best thing is to chose what is BEST for the family. But ABSOLUTELY resolve to not go near the porn again and confess every time you and your wife go too far in sexual intimacy.

We fall, we get up and we try again. the worst thing you can do is fall and decide to not get up because you then risk falling again. Things did get easier with time and we just accepted that I needed to burn off more steam on the treadmill and DH poured more of himself into work, and we tried to be more diligent about daily mass to harness all that energy productively.

If you don’t let it get the best of you, you will see it will be best FOR you!
 
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