Overwhelming situations

[Sonya]

I have also put this question, but shorter in the ask an apolist forum. However, I need a quick response, so I am open to more advice. My brother loves me and I love him. However he has been in and out of trouble including trying to offer to pay half to have his own child, my niece or nephew killed. I am upset because he told my mom this, because his girlfriend confided in my mom first. Otherwise he was planning not to tell his parents, his girlfriend told her.

I want to confront him, but I really want to tell him how dissappointed I am in him. He has had other children and already one of his girlfriends had an abortion, because she lied to my mom and said she was going to have the baby. Then she turned around and took an abortion pill. I cried about that child.

My brother does have one boy who is alive, thanks to God and one child who died in his mom’s womb (not by abortion). Who knows how many times he could have offered to pay half to have any other children of his killed. I am disgusted and I don’t know how not to cry about this. Yet I know my brothers soul is in danger and I thought I talked to him about how wrong aiding in abortion was, yet he doesn’t seem to understand. His girlfriend, my mom and I did talk to, about her keeping the baby or giving the baby up for adoption. She says she wants to keep the baby. I told her I was upset with my brother for basically not encouraging her to keep her child and she told me that he looks up to me, and not to say anything that would make him think that I hate him. I have to say this is an overwhelming situation and I don’t like being in it. I have been dealing with my family and overwhelming situations for a while now and it is stressing me out. My prayer life is getting compromised and I feel like I should pray more now than ever before, but all I want to do is cry. I am not very strong anymore and I need to be, but how?Each situation seems to wear me down more and more and I don’t know what to do. God is there, but I think I am having some kind of unreasonable darkness surrounding my mind. May the Blessed Mother take possession of my mind.

 

[Anna_s_Mom]

This is one of those times why I don’t understand why catholics don’t believe in birth control. Is it like the same as an abortion? Please explain, for I have been out of the church since I was a child. Now 28 trying to find my way back to GOD. wouldn’t birth control be better than abortions???

 

[mumto5]

Anna's Mom:

This is one of those times why I don’t understand why catholics don’t believe in birth control. Is it like the same as an abortion? Please explain, for I have been out of the church since I was a child. Now 28 trying to find my way back to GOD. wouldn’t birth control be better than abortions???

Some types of birth control i.e. the pill and IUD cause abortions ver early after conception.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Anna's Mom:

This is one of those times why I don’t understand why catholics don’t believe in birth control. Is it like the same as an abortion? Please explain, for I have been out of the church since I was a child. Now 28 trying to find my way back to GOD. wouldn’t birth control be better than abortions???

So as not to hijack this thread and take away from the OPs serious concerns, I suggest you do a forum search to help you understand the Church’s position on birth control.

You could also start your own thread if you’d like to.

Also, please find and read the book “Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. I felt much the same as you do before my conversion into the Church. I really want to help you understand, but this is not the place to do it.

Peace,

Malia

 

[Sonya]

I will direct you to some information about why contraception is always bad: ccli.org/nfp/contraception/index.php

This is from the couple to couple league. They are a very wonderful group. I was also taught that you commit two sins by using contraception and having premarital sex.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Sonya, I think you need some help. I don’t know what you should do. You could try calling a crisis pregnancy center (pro-life!) and they may be able to direct you to resources to help in this sad situation.

You might also want to speak to your priest or spiritual advisor in order to help you through this dark time.

I will add my prayers to yours. I feel your pain and I pray that you find a away to deal with all of this. You are not alone.

Malia

 

[beckyann2597]

mumto5:

Some types of birth control i.e. the pill and IUD cause abortions ver early after conception.

I know the IUD does, but it really depends on the type of pill. Most pills just repress ovulation so its not abortion.

Back to the question, Keep Supporting yourbrothers wife/girfriend (?) She is the one to make the choice in the end and offer help in any way you can. He can’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. And I wouldn’t be too hard on your brother. He is probably just ignorant and scared. Pray for his heart to be opened to the Truth.

 

[Anna_s_Mom]

excuse my ignorance on the matter - I’m trying to learn about all this stuff here. So birth control pills that stop ovulation are frowned upon also??

 

[mumto5]

Anna's Mom:

excuse my ignorance on the matter - I’m trying to learn about all this stuff here. So birth control pills that stop ovulation are frowned upon also??

The pill usually stops ovulation but occasionally (I’ve been told every four months on average) breakthrough ovulation occurs. This is why the pill has two back-up modes of action: 1/ Make the cervical mucous thicker to impede the passage of sperm and 2/ make the lining of the uterus unhospitable to the implantation of the fertilised egg so it can’t attach. Hence, when breakthrough ovulation occurs, the egg could be fertilised and then aborted before it has a chance to implant.

The IUD works by either preventing implantation or making it impossible for an implanted embryo to grow.

 

[Anna_s_Mom]

Sonya:

I will direct you to some information about why contraception is always bad: ccli.org/nfp/contraception/index.php

This is from the couple to couple league. They are a very wonderful group. I was also taught that you commit two sins by using contraception and having premarital sex.

Just looked at the site. Why don’t they give you all the facts when you get birthcontrol???

 

[Anna_s_Mom]

the heart of a child is as sweet and pure as the break of a perfect morn
and we get a glimpse right here of heaven when a child to earth is born.
that heart is not tainted with concious sin
nor is it with pride beguiled
theres not on earth reflecting heaven as the heart of a little child.
the heart of a child that I used to have Ah, would it again were mine.
for that which was pure as a lily has faded with time.
that heart once innocent was soiled.
for sin hath it defiled. and I lost the greatest thing
when I lost the heart of a child.
The heart of a child o give to me
with the mind and will of woman, to love the sweetest things of life
that a childs heart only can.

 

[mumto5]

Anna's Mom:

excuse my ignorance on the matter - I’m trying to learn about all this stuff here. So birth control pills that stop ovulation are frowned upon also??

The pill usually stops ovulation but occasionally (I’ve been told every four months on average) breakthrough ovulation occurs. This is why the pill has two back-up modes of action: 1/ Make the cervical mucous thicker to impede the passage of sperm and 2/ make the lining of the uterus unhospitable to the implantation of the fertilised egg so it can’t attach. Hence, when breakthrough ovulation occurs, the egg could be fertilised and then aborted before it has a chance to implant.

The IUD works by either preventing implantation or making it impossible for an implanted embryo to grow.

 

[Sonya]

Thank you for your advice. I am still not asleep and it isn’t a good thing. I am going to sleep now, knowing that those who were up did respond quickly. I think I will just calmly talk to my brother and suggest that he talk to our parish priest and encourage him to go to confession. I hope that will help him. I will definely read more advice later on.

 

[Rebecca_New]

Anna's Mom:

This is one of those times why I don’t understand why catholics don’t believe in birth control. Is it like the same as an abortion? Please explain, for I have been out of the church since I was a child. Now 28 trying to find my way back to GOD. wouldn’t birth control be better than abortions???

When two people really know how to love, they make sacrifices. God gave married couples sex to share, not for self indulgence, but to give yourself to that other person, so you can become one. I don’t know from experience, but I think that people who practice natural family planning are more appreciative of each other. They have to talk, to share, and to have focus on their marriage vows. To settle for less is really robbing yourself of a wonderful true love.

 

[Cupofkindness]

The original poster (OP) is in a crisis and this thread is being hijacked. Let’s stay on topic for the sake fo the OP, Sonya.

Sonya, I worked at a prolife pregnancy crisis center for many years, so I’ve seen sad cases like your brother’s more than once. I would urge you to talk to your brother and find out why he doesn’t want the child that his girlfriend is currently carrying. Money? It ties him down to a woman he really doesn’t love? He’s not ready to be a father? Of course he is already a father…

You work on your brother, let your mom help the girl friend. The girl friend needs support. Is this her first pregnancy? Is she visibly pregnant or are you just going on her word? What is her family’s position on abortion and this pregnancy? Is the girl friend a minor? The best thing your mom can do is get this girl an ultrasound. Some prolife crisis pregnancy centers have this capability, but if you go to a pro-life OB/Gyn you most certainly can have this done, possibly for free.

The girlfriend needs to see that she is this baby’s mother, regardless of your brother’s position on the matter, she must protect her child. She needs to be given all the support to carry this pregnancy to term. She needs a lot of love and acceptance, even if your family is bewildered about what to do with this relationship. Would your mother put the innocent child the girlfriend is carrying ahead of your brother?

Lastly, I must say that your brother’s soul is in grave peril, for he has committed more than one mortal sin. If he is engaged in casual sex that results in baby’s that he is so willing to abort, he is very confused about the value of life and about God’s idea of manhood and fatherhood. He must go to confession, he may have excommunicated himself from the Church.

I need to go because my husband urgently needs the internet. I’ll be praying for you, Sonya.

Don’t be afraid to tell the truth to your brother. He needs to hear it today.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Cupofkindness:

The original poster (OP) is in a crisis and this thread is being hijacked. Let’s stay on topic for the sake fo the OP, Sonya.

Thank you, my earlier plea went unheard. You gave wonderful advice and insight, I truly hope it helps Sonya deal with this sad situation. We are praying for all involved!

Malia

 

[Sonya]

His girlfriend already had another child from him and miscarried another from him. They kept the first child and are raising him themselves.

His girlfriend lives only with her mother and her mother seems to have no religion I know about. Her mother wanted her to have an abortion with the third child, this child that we want to see born. She is not a minor. She is about 20 years old now.

My brother is 25 and in a correctional facility, and gets to come out of there on “passes” each work for a set amount of hours. He visits his son and his girlfriend.

He doesn’t want to be tied down to any girl because he says that having an exclusive relationship is too hard while being in the facility. He even says that this girlfriend is just a friend.

Also at the facility he is unable to enter into any contracts, including marriage, as one of their rules.

My mom is offering unconditional support for the unborn baby and mother and she has talked to the girlfriend about this. She helped the girlfriend start thinking about other options and not abortion, and to realize that her other child gives her so much happiness. I talked to his girlfriend later on and she said that she could not kill her baby. I offered her help as well and as soon as I talk to my brother, I will tell him the truth as you have put it and encourage him to go to confession.

 

[Sonya]

Oh another thing. My brother told my mom that he doesn’t want the child because he said that he wouldn’t be able to be there for the child as a father should, due to being in the facility.

His girlfriend also confided in my mom and said that he told her that she should decide soon because the baby would just get bigger and bigger and I don’t think he used the word baby. He said to her, to just think of how she felt after the other 3 month old baby got miscarried. She said she was devastated and from what I understand he seems to think she is fine now about it. When he was confronted with this information by my mom, he said that his girlfriend misunderstood him. But how could anyone make that up. I want to love my brother, but I certainly can’t be on his side if he said such things. These are the things that made us shocked and now I have so much to confront him with.

 

[LSK]

Sonya:

I have also put this question, but shorter in the ask an apolist forum. However, I need a quick response, so I am open to more advice. My brother loves me and I love him. However he has been in and out of trouble including trying to offer to pay half to have his own child, my niece or nephew killed. I am upset because he told my mom this, because his girlfriend confided in my mom first. Otherwise he was planning not to tell his parents, his girlfriend told her.

I want to confront him, but I really want to tell him how dissappointed I am in him. He has had other children and already one of his girlfriends had an abortion, because she lied to my mom and said she was going to have the baby. Then she turned around and took an abortion pill. I cried about that child.

My brother does have one boy who is alive, thanks to God and one child who died in his mom’s womb (not by abortion). Who knows how many times he could have offered to pay half to have any other children of his killed. I am disgusted and I don’t know how not to cry about this. Yet I know my brothers soul is in danger and I thought I talked to him about how wrong aiding in abortion was, yet he doesn’t seem to understand. His girlfriend, my mom and I did talk to, about her keeping the baby or giving the baby up for adoption. She says she wants to keep the baby. I told her I was upset with my brother for basically not encouraging her to keep her child and she told me that he looks up to me, and not to say anything that would make him think that I hate him. I have to say this is an overwhelming situation and I don’t like being in it. I have been dealing with my family and overwhelming situations for a while now and it is stressing me out. My prayer life is getting compromised and I feel like I should pray more now than ever before, but all I want to do is cry. I am not very strong anymore and I need to be, but how?Each situation seems to wear me down more and more and I don’t know what to do. God is there, but I think I am having some kind of unreasonable darkness surrounding my mind. May the Blessed Mother take possession of my mind.

Oh, Sonya, my heart just breaks for you and for your brother. I know what it is like to have someone you love committing sins and being in fear for their soul. I also know what it is like to be the one breaking their loved ones’ hearts. Believe it or not your prayers will help and are helping now. Don’t give up.

BUT (OH KNOW it’s Leslie and her Jesus Box again) it is time for you to remember what Our Lord told St. Faustina. What He wanted us to be ready to do is to come to Him with all we have in our hearts, the good, the bad and the ugly. The fears and the sins or despair that can be overtaking us. In other words, my darling sister in Christ, it is time for you to turn it over to Him.

I use a method that helps me to turn it over…I make a ‘Jesus box’. I get a shoe box, cut a hole in the lid, decorate it anyway you want. Then I get a piece of paper or several pieces of paper, and a pen. I start to write, just like you did here for us, exactly what is going on. I don’t worry about spelling, grammar, what it sounds like or looks like. I let it all spill out onto that piece of paper, my darkest thoughts and my sadness and anger and pain. when I am exhausted from writing, I take the paper, get on my knees and say something like this:
Here it is, Lord Jesus. This is what is in my heart and clouding my mind. I cannot do anything about this, and it is tearing me apart. I want to help, I want to stop him and make him do what is right and good in Your eyes, but I have no control over him. So I give him, and my feelings and my fears and my hopes and dreams to you, Lord, for you are all good and all powerful…I ask that you take full control of this situation and I trust in YOU Lord Jesus that you will handle this situation in exactly the way it is supposed to be handled.

Then put the paper in the box and walk away.

If you have to write it over and over and over again, then so be it.

Whatever you do, do NOT give up your prayers for your brother. My mom ‘prayed me home’ to the Holy Mother Church over 13 years ago…without her prayers I would still be living in darkness.

 

[Cupofkindness]

Sonya:

I’m very sorry for the shame and hardship your selfish brother has infliced on his family of origin and on the family he created with this girlfriend.

I also feel very sorry for the girlfriend and can only wonder why she continues to have relations with a man who is not only unavailable to her emotionally, financially, and physically, but by the force of law as well! Egads, that woman must have her self-esteem in a pit to continue in such a dead end relationship! She wants to create a family with a man who is showing her no commitment whatsoever besides an occassional visit when he can get out. I can only imagine what her past is like that she would put up with that sort of relationship. Poor thing!

Sonya, I don’t know how old your are or what you are like. But I do know that you need to see these people for what they really are: God’s children who are falling way short of what he wants for them. This situation is pathetic at best and terrible for everyone involved. I want you to see this as dysfunctional so you understand that this should not be happening but that this is the path that your brother has choosen for himself. I want you to be able to distance yourself from this tragic circus of events because things may not work out the way you and your mother hope. This doesn’t mean you should give up praying. Keep praying. It means that someone needs to be honest about what is going on. It sounds like you are in a good position to do this, because you are so focused on doing the right thing.

First, this girlfriend needs counseling so that this doesn’t happen a fourth time. She needs to come to terms with what a mess her life is right now, if not for herself, then for the sake of her child. And what would stop her from conceiving another baby with your brother? It’s a tidy relationship; she doesn’t have to put up with your brother every day, and she has the status of motherhood (the joy of her child whose father isn’t there for him in any beneficial sort of way), the government is footing the bill for her little family (I’m assuming she’s on welfare/medicaid, I’m sorry if I’m wrong) and he gets to snuggle with “a friend” when he’s on leave from jail. How cozy for him. They are using each other and you and your mother are suffering as a result of their selfish behavior.

Don’t get me wrong. I pray that she keeps her child and is open to adoption. But the die is cast for her, she is a single mother and probably can’t see any other future for herself. That’s where the counseling comes in. Someone needs to raise her ability to think about her future so that she has more to look forward to than the next weekend your brother has off. I’m sorry to say these things about your brother, but this girlfriend is inviting him in and accomodating his selfish behavior, allowing him to use her. So you have to ask yourself, what is her problem. Because history may repeat itself if this girl doesn’t change. I’ll bet, deep down, she’s hoping he’ll marry her when he gets out, or at least come and live with her and their son. Keep praying, but back off when you feel that your words aren’t welcome. Remember, you can’t fix either of them and your aren’t responsible in any way if they choose to end this pregnancy with an abortion. If you know of a good priest who you trust, it wouldn’t hurt you to speak to him about this situation either.