'pagan' in-laws

[lwest]

Ok…they’re not really pagan. MIL was raised Catholic, went to Catholic school. BIL used to go to Catholic school. But they don’t practice now and really get on my DH because we try to practice the Faith. We’re to see them on Thanksgiving and I dread it. I know I’ll say something back when they start in with their inevitable comments. Here’s the latest issue: BIL rented a movie to show the kids when we go there on Thanksgiving (my kids are preteen and early teens). My DH & I both feel the movie is inappropriate (Transformers 2…we’ve read and seen on Youtube explicit scenes…whether or not you agree with that is irrelevant). He told his mom that he feels the movie is inappropriate and why. His brother calls him an hour later and mentions the movie again. My DH told him, too. They didn’t respond well. He got a big, “OH…WELL OK but it’s just the facts of life but WHATEVER” from them. I have a feeling he’s going to put the movie on anyway when we’re there. he’s made it clear that it’s HIS house and he’ll do whatever he wants. So we’ve told our kids that if that happens, they can leave the room. But it’ll be tense, there’ll be comments going. they hate the way we’re raising our children and are very vocal about it. For example, we homeschool, we do some charity things, we go to Mass every Sunday…they think all of those things are horrible. They hate me for it. I don’t even want to go there. No, me staying home and just having them go is not an option. When there’s not a united front, things get worse.

Oh…did I mention that they’re blatant racists? Once my BIL showed my husband a picture of a biracial child and said, “See the zebra? See the little checkerboard?” my daughter heard this and when I told him to stop speaking that way in front of my kid, he went off on me to the point where I was afraid for my safety.

The reason I’m writing is to (a)ask for prayers for my family and them and (b)vent…just vent because I’ve had it with them. Yes, i pray for them to convert (or leave town) but how to handle them in the meantime?

Thank you for letting me vent. Thank you for the prayers.

 

[crazzeto]

why dread? view it as an oppertunity to evangalize. perhaps not directly at first, put the faith in practice and on full display when you’re around them. pray for them

 

[lwest]

why dread? view it as an oppertunity to evangalize. perhaps not directly at first, put the faith in practice and on full display when you’re around them. pray for them

I don’t have the patience for it now. I really don’t. Maybe if everyone out there says a prayer for me, God will send me the grace so I can do just that. And HOW, though? For example, when she starts shooting off her mouth about how we’re hurting our kids by depriving them of the right to watch someting, what do I do? What do I say? (Oh…and I can think of ALOT of things to say, believe me. I’m not shy. BUT…how would Jesus want me to respond???

BTW…explaining things to them doesn’t work. They go on and on and on and on and won’t quit unless you agree with them. She’d never, EVER admit she was wrong or needed correcting. She’s the world’s authority on everything from politics to finance to raising kids (they’re in their 4th or 5th bankruptcy…) She’s one who said to me once that she didn’ thave to do well in school because she was pretty. So…in light of all that…how could I deal with it? HELP, Catholic people!!

 

[crazzeto]

I can’t promise what everyone else will do, but I can promise to try and remember to put you into my prayers… Sorry for the lack of deffinateness there, I’m really pretty scatter brained when it comes to remembering important stuff. But truely, I will try to remember and in fact, I won’t post back here until I have prayed for you. Hopefully that will be enough to force me to remember.

 

[lwest]

I can’t promise what everyone else will do, but I can promise to try and remember to put you into my prayers… Sorry for the lack of deffinateness there, I’m really pretty scatter brained when it comes to remembering important stuff. But truely, I will try to remember and in fact, I won’t post back here until I have prayed for you. Hopefully that will be enough to force me to remember.

hey, thanks! Even a Hail Mary would help. I really need it because I’m really on the verge of calling her up and calling her a stupid, crazy *****! (I can’t do that, can I?

 

[crazzeto]

hey, thanks! Even a Hail Mary would help. I really need it because I’m really on the verge of calling her up and calling her a stupid, crazy *****! (I can’t do that, can I?

Well, I’ve gone and prayed a Hail Mary for you, though certainly with something like this I’d love to add your intentions into a Chaplet of the Rosary. And yeah, I would refrain from going down that road you were contemplating at the end of your post, not productive

 

[dashso40]

You really have to go? Can’t you say you have other plans…like going to your side of the family?

 

[lwest]

You really have to go? Can’t you say you have other plans…like going to your side of the family?

My dh feels he has to see his parents and I don’t want to argue that point. He loves them, even though they cause so much grief. . My mom’s dead and my dad lives across the country. The only ‘side’ I have is an aunt who did invite us over but his parents ‘outrank’ them. there’s no way to get out of it. If there was, we’d take it. I even asked the homeless shelter if they needed any volunteers to serve dinner but (sigh) no, they had enough. What’s stressing me out more is that on the 27th, my dd is having surgery and I know they’ll offer to watch my ds and we don’t want them babysitting. I don’t like what they say and do when I’m sitting right there. And the last time she babysat, he came home with a huge scratch on his arm. When I asked her what happened, she said, “I didn’t do it.” To me, that was an admission of guilt. I think they’re nuts and I can have compassion on someone who’s mentally ill. A lot of it may not be her fault but I’m telling you, my patience is running thin. I hate the way it effects my dh. (ok…and I aint’ too crazy about how it affect me, either)

 

[lwest]

And yeah, I would refrain from going down that road you were contemplating at the end of your post, not productive

Isigh) yeah, you’re probably right

 

[seasonsavila777]

Similar problems except its my entire protestant family I have to deal with! but its ok because I love them anyway or try your own husband ridiculing you for wearing dresses and a veil to mass but I see your problem is worse because they are bad examples for your children.

 

[lwest]

Similar problems except its my entire protestant family I have to deal with! but its ok because I love them anyway or try your own husband ridiculing you for wearing dresses and a veil to mass but I see your problem is worse because they are bad examples for your children.

But your husband shouldn’t be ridiculing you, either, even if he doesn’t agree with dresses and veils to Mass. If that’s how you want to show your devotion to our Lord, he should support you. So I’m sorry you’re going through that.

 

[Lukelion]

. they hate the way we’re raising our children and are very vocal about it. For example, we home school, we do some charity things, we go to Mass every Sunday…they think all of those things are horrible. They hate me for it. I don’t even want to go there. No, me staying home and just having them go is not an option. When there’s not a united front, things get worse.

.
I agree about the united front. You must both learn boundary statements, and USE THEM.

and when I told him to stop speaking that way in front of my kid, he went off on me to the point where I was afraid for my safety. .

.
This is your cue to GET OUT!

The reason I’m writing is to (a)ask for prayers for my family and them and (b)vent…just vent because I’ve had it with them. Yes, i pray for them to convert (or leave town) but how to handle them in the meantime? .

.
Prayers are yours. Love them, but from a distance for your safety and your children’s.
God Bless

 

[1ke]

My dh feels he has to see his parents and I don’t want to argue that point. He loves them, even though they cause so much grief. .

He can see them on non-holidays and in a controlled way-- like taking them out to each dinner where you are only together for a couple of hours and not in anyone’s home.

The only ‘side’ I have is an aunt who did invite us over but his parents ‘outrank’ them.

I’m sorry but this is an artificial construct that you (or your DH) have decided to let rule you. No one “outranks” anyone else. You have made the decision that his parents “outrank” your aunt. You could decide otherwise, should you choose to. Food for thought.

there’s no way to get out of it. If there was, we’d take it.

I don’t think this is a true statement. You’ve made the choice to go there. You could make the choice to go to your aunts. You could make the choice to host Thanksgiving at your house. You could make the choice to go to the homeless shelter and bus tables.

You always have choices. Right now you and your DH are choosing to be carried along in the current and spend an unpleasant day with unpleasant people.

You can make different choices. It’s all up to you.

What’s stressing me out more is that on the 27th, my dd is having surgery and I know they’ll offer to watch my ds and we don’t want them babysitting.

Just say, thanks but no thanks… we already have that covered.

I think you need to establish boundaries and then stick to them.

 

[lwest]

Could you please give me some good examples of ‘boundary statements’? The ones I’m thinking of fall short of love and charity. I’d use them, regardless, but they’d end up hurting my husband because he loves her, he loves me. He feels torn enough. Thanks and thanks for the prayers.

 

[lwest]

I’m sorry but this is an artificial construct that you (or your DH) have decided to let rule you. No one “outranks” anyone else. You have made the decision that his parents “outrank” your aunt. You could decide otherwise, should you choose to. Food for thought.

You always have choices. Right now you and your DH are choosing to be carried along in the current and spend an unpleasant day with unpleasant people

You can make different choices. It’s all up to you.

Just say, thanks but no thanks… we already have that covered.

I like that, thanks.

I think you need to establish boundaries and then stick to them.

I see your point and I wish it were that easy. We’re looking at it as a family obligation to spend holidays with his parents. I could easily back out and catch up with them at dinner, like you suggested but my dh feels strongly about it and I don’t want to start a rift with him about it. He does agree to leave though, if things get heated.

Yeah…that’s what the holidays are for, aren’t they? Seriously, we are allowing it, you’re right. Maybe with the hopes that it won’t be that bad. He does want to see his parents…but he doesn’t want to be hasselled… He wants the kids to see their grandparents. I completely agree with the boundaries but that’s where the trouble lies, too. They don’t want boundaries. They’ve ruined the BIL’s marriage, raised his child (who’s a walking testament to their wisdom and ability). She wanted to go on the honeymoon with us, she wanted to name our children, she wanted to decide who was invited to our house (no, she didnt’ live with us)…sorry more venting.
Taking it any further (like not going there) has to be up to my husband. They’re his family and he’s always been supportive with my family (ok…my dad rarely visits, but still). He did agree to leave if things get too ugly. Just wish we could make a faster exit. My dd uses crutches to walk when there (she has spina bifida) so there’s no ‘dashing out the door’.

 

[1ke]

I see your point and I wish it were that easy. We’re looking at it as a family obligation to spend holidays with his parents. I could easily back out and catch up with them at dinner, like you suggested but my dh feels strongly about it and I don’t want to start a rift with him about it. He does agree to leave though, if things get heated. .

It really is an arbitrary construct that you create within yourself. Expectations.

Holidays with my dad’s side of the family were particularly unpleasant. I simply told them that I love them and want to spend time with them, but holidays were particularly stressful and clearly brought out the worst in us all. Therefore, I would only be visiting on non-holidays. The “no holidays” visits have worked wonderfully for over a decade. We enjoy each other, we don’t have all that stress and expectation.

It can work for you, too. Your visits can be much more pleasant if they are negotiated differently. You have to know your boundaries and stick to them.

Seems your husband is OK with stress, drama, and unpleasantness. Well then let all management of in-laws fall to him. Make it clear he is responsible for all responses to his family when they make inappropriate statements, show inappropriate movies, etc.

She wanted to go on the honeymoon with us, she wanted to name our children, she wanted to decide who was invited to our house (no, she didnt’ live with us)…sorry more venting.

This is all on your husband. It’s his responsibility to tell them NO.

Taking it any further (like not going there) has to be up to my husband. They’re his family and he’s always been supportive with my family (ok…my dad rarely visits, but still). He did agree to leave if things get too ugly. Just wish we could make a faster exit. My dd uses crutches to walk when there (she has spina bifida) so there’s no ‘dashing out the door’.

Your DH needs to adjust the boundaries.

There are a couple of books perhaps you could read together.

Going Home Grown Up is one and Toxic In Laws is another.

 

[lwest]

Toxic In Laws is another

I’ll check it out. Thanks!

And the dh is the one who speaks to them to make arrangements. I won’t even talk to them. I can’t. if she insists on speaking to me, I’m pleasant but I’ll end the conversation if she starts getting mean. One time I even hung up on her. She had called. My dh wasn’t home. She wanted to ask him something. I asked her what it was about and she said, “I’m not telling YOU, I’ll tell HIM.” I said, ‘Ok, bye’ and I hung up. It wasn’t nice of me but it was the best I could do. When my dh would go over there to visit early in our marriage, I’d call there adn she’d expect me to tell her what I wanted to talk to him about then she’d say I didn’t need to speak to him. Toxic. That’s a good word.

 

[Lukelion]

Could you please give me some good examples of ‘boundary statements’? The ones I’m thinking of fall short of love and charity. I’d use them, regardless, but they’d end up hurting my husband because he loves her, he loves me. He feels torn enough. Thanks and thanks for the prayers.

“why would you like to know that?”
“I understand what you are saying, it doesn’t make it true.”
“why do you feel this way?”
“Why did you bring this up?”
“You seem to be having a rough day”
“Are you asking because you want to know the answer?”
“How did you arrive at that conclusion?”

It is so good that you remember love is patient and kind. I think these can be delivered with charity. I pray things turn out well for you and your family.

 

[lwest]

“why would you like to know that?” I’m sorry if I wasn’t more clear…I’D LIKE TO KNOW AN EXAMPLE OF SOME CHARITABLE RESPONSES!!!
“I understand what you are saying, it doesn’t make it true.” What are you talking about?
“why do you feel this way?” Again, I must not have been clear…I have horrible in-laws and need some advise on how to handle them.
“Why did you bring this up?” WHEW!!! I must have a terrible time communicating. I thought I mentioned needing prayers and wanting to vent in my first post. Why are you so confused about all of this?
“You seem to be having a rough day” Geee…ya think?
“Are you asking because you want to know the answer?” No, I’m asking because I want some ($*# to ask me stupid questions about it
“How did you arrive at that conclusion?” Arrive at what conclusion?

It is so good that you remember love is patient and kind. I think these can be delivered with charity. I pray things turn out well for you and your family.

Whatever…thanks for your…uh…what would you call your ‘words of wisdom’…‘help’???

 

[lwest]

oh…you were giving me examples. Now I feel really stupid. I’m sorry. I’m going to go eat some humble pie now. Thanks. (forgive me??)

Those responses don’t sound condescending? But I guess they’re better than what I would say on my own. Again, I’m sorry. i’ll have a lot of humble pie and go wipe the egg off my face.