G
gambino
Guest
Friends,
It’s been a couple of months since I posted on here. To be honest, not much has changed with my wayward (prodigal as I’d like to think) spouse. I still haven’t talked to her. It is as she was consumed by the world. In the interim, I have grown tremendously in my faith life. I pray regularly and in a very odd way, I see evil and goodness so much more clearly in my daily life. I’m still burdened with intense pain over this whole ordeal. In my heart, I can’t understand how my wife could’ve hurt me so much. I used to be such a strong man, so proud of my work, my life and us. Now I feel I’ve been reduced to rubble. I just keep pushing on b/c I know that there is honor in faithfulness and trying to be the best person I can be. I find solice in Christ but I’ll be honest, there are days that I really don’t know how to go on. It’s not that I’m depressed or suicidal or anything, I just really feel like that “one-ness” still exists between us. The part of her that fulfilled me has been violently torn out of me. She is gone but that feeling of her being part of me can’t be shaken. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve allowed God into that hole though. I’ve remained chaste as well even though it is extremely difficult for a young, healthy guy!
This closeness that I used to have with her makes it really hard to decide where to go next in my life. I want to heal, I want to be full again. But I also can’t bring myself to persue an annulment. I just can’t understand how it is right to do, even with her experimentation in lesbianism and infidelity. Her actions still strike me as being spiritually attacked by a VERY evil force. At the very least, it seems like a mental illness. People don’t just change like she did, its not normal. Using God as my guide, God didn’t back away from Israel when she ‘cheated’. He stayed faithful to her and even called her his adulterous bride. I still would take back my wife if she let me. I love her that much, even though I honestly don’t know how I could get over all of the pain either…but nothing is impossible with Christ. Why can’t she see that love I have for her? Why can’t she see that I’m a good person who doesn’t deserve to be treated this way? What hurts me so much is that everything I knew about my marriage was real. We did the prep, said the vows and fell asleep in the same bed nearly every night. We shared our dreams, our aspirations and our hopes with each other. She knew my heart, the good and the bad. As much as I crave falling asleep next to someone and sharing the joys of marriage with someone else, how could I ever give myself to someone else, especially when my wife is still living on Earth? And how can I date or share that level of intimacy with someone else while knowing that my first wife is out there somewhere?
I guess the bottom line is that without any communication, I have no peace. Any insight is helpful. I’ve talked to multiple priests to varied responses. I’m not really shopping for advice, I just haven’t found anyone yet whose been able to share any similar experiences where they felt this way, persued an annulment and then found success without having a very large scar. Most annulments that I have talked to are people that fell out of love, hated the other person by the end of the marriage or based on a lack of religious similarity/value that usually included infidelity. In my case, my wife was a card carrying Catholic up until a month 1/2 before this all unfolded. In fact, she even went to mass with me less than 6 days before the relationship “ended”.
Likewise, it’d be so hopeful to have a story of someone who has been through something similar to me, remained faithful and came through with his/her spouse again. A site called rejoiceministries.org is my only source of hope right now. It’s not Catholic, but I agree with their philosophy that marriage is for life. And what if I am the only one holding out hope? What if God is asking for just a little more faith from me? To trust Him just a little bit more before He gives us the strength to turn things around? It’s just hard, every other faith situation I have been in has been pretty clear. But from the first day of my crisis, its been grey and not easy at all to figure out.
In any case, I just ask for your continued prayers. I appreciate your support and companionship during this time.
God Bless, Gambino
It’s been a couple of months since I posted on here. To be honest, not much has changed with my wayward (prodigal as I’d like to think) spouse. I still haven’t talked to her. It is as she was consumed by the world. In the interim, I have grown tremendously in my faith life. I pray regularly and in a very odd way, I see evil and goodness so much more clearly in my daily life. I’m still burdened with intense pain over this whole ordeal. In my heart, I can’t understand how my wife could’ve hurt me so much. I used to be such a strong man, so proud of my work, my life and us. Now I feel I’ve been reduced to rubble. I just keep pushing on b/c I know that there is honor in faithfulness and trying to be the best person I can be. I find solice in Christ but I’ll be honest, there are days that I really don’t know how to go on. It’s not that I’m depressed or suicidal or anything, I just really feel like that “one-ness” still exists between us. The part of her that fulfilled me has been violently torn out of me. She is gone but that feeling of her being part of me can’t be shaken. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve allowed God into that hole though. I’ve remained chaste as well even though it is extremely difficult for a young, healthy guy!
This closeness that I used to have with her makes it really hard to decide where to go next in my life. I want to heal, I want to be full again. But I also can’t bring myself to persue an annulment. I just can’t understand how it is right to do, even with her experimentation in lesbianism and infidelity. Her actions still strike me as being spiritually attacked by a VERY evil force. At the very least, it seems like a mental illness. People don’t just change like she did, its not normal. Using God as my guide, God didn’t back away from Israel when she ‘cheated’. He stayed faithful to her and even called her his adulterous bride. I still would take back my wife if she let me. I love her that much, even though I honestly don’t know how I could get over all of the pain either…but nothing is impossible with Christ. Why can’t she see that love I have for her? Why can’t she see that I’m a good person who doesn’t deserve to be treated this way? What hurts me so much is that everything I knew about my marriage was real. We did the prep, said the vows and fell asleep in the same bed nearly every night. We shared our dreams, our aspirations and our hopes with each other. She knew my heart, the good and the bad. As much as I crave falling asleep next to someone and sharing the joys of marriage with someone else, how could I ever give myself to someone else, especially when my wife is still living on Earth? And how can I date or share that level of intimacy with someone else while knowing that my first wife is out there somewhere?
I guess the bottom line is that without any communication, I have no peace. Any insight is helpful. I’ve talked to multiple priests to varied responses. I’m not really shopping for advice, I just haven’t found anyone yet whose been able to share any similar experiences where they felt this way, persued an annulment and then found success without having a very large scar. Most annulments that I have talked to are people that fell out of love, hated the other person by the end of the marriage or based on a lack of religious similarity/value that usually included infidelity. In my case, my wife was a card carrying Catholic up until a month 1/2 before this all unfolded. In fact, she even went to mass with me less than 6 days before the relationship “ended”.
Likewise, it’d be so hopeful to have a story of someone who has been through something similar to me, remained faithful and came through with his/her spouse again. A site called rejoiceministries.org is my only source of hope right now. It’s not Catholic, but I agree with their philosophy that marriage is for life. And what if I am the only one holding out hope? What if God is asking for just a little more faith from me? To trust Him just a little bit more before He gives us the strength to turn things around? It’s just hard, every other faith situation I have been in has been pretty clear. But from the first day of my crisis, its been grey and not easy at all to figure out.
In any case, I just ask for your continued prayers. I appreciate your support and companionship during this time.
God Bless, Gambino