Pain, the Church, and Frustration

[RuthTherese]

I was born and raised Roman Catholic as the oldest of five, both parents lovingly in the picture my entire life. I was an altar server, we were the perfect homeschool family learning our theology and apologetics. My mother would put us to bed every night with a rosary since we were newborns so we grew up learning the prayers. We went to daily Mass. We did everything.

When I was a freshman in high school, I developed bipolar disorder (which went undiagnosed until a few months ago). A huge part of it in these beginning months was intense anxiety. And for whatever reason, that anxiety would peak whenever I was in a church. I tried again and again to go to Mass, to go to Adoration, or even just sit in the sanctuary alone. I tried for all four years of high school to go back, but I couldn’t stay get close to the Sacrament without losing control and having to spend the rest of the time I was there hiding in the bathroom to get myself under control. I developed an addiction to self harm during this time because the pain was so great I couldn’t take it anymore.

So here I am now, a few months out of college with a full-time job that I love and having moved to a new state and a new city. I haven’t been a part of the Church for the last three years because it hurts. I’ve become bitter and angry, because I went to priests, monsignors and sisters in our diocese and the neighboring diocese for years, begging for even just prayers, or some insight to stop associating the religion I was brought up in with this intense pain. My mental health struggles would always defeat me. I wish I could say I was exaggerating when I recall the number of clergy who would see the cuts on my skin, even though I desperately was trying to hide them, and they would instantly turn me away. They wouldn’t send me to a doctor, or even my family. They might offer to say a little prayer, but they would all just tell me to leave with no explanation. And after several years of this in combination with how I associate church with all this suffering… I really, really struggle to return to any idea of trying Catholicism again, as it were.

I’ve tried to pray. I get so frustrated so easily; the only thing I can compare this to is PTSD, though that’s not what it is, just the association. Feeling like all of God’s messengers have turned me away, clergy and laypeople alike. Having friends scold and guilt me into going back to Mass, telling me it’s my own fault I suffer from this mental illness, and it never would have happened if I’d been a good girl before all of this developed.

So… in short, I’m very much upset with myself, kind of at the church, but mostly myself. I don’t know where to go here, because even recently, stepping into a church literally made me collapse again. I try to pray on my own, but honestly, it feels so pointless… I suppose any prayers or advice or resources anyone knows about would be very welcome. I’m hurting so much and I am so tired of feeling this way.

Apologies for being so long-winded, and thanks for bearing with me.

 

[JohnGerard]

Hi RuthTherese.

I’m so sorry for what you are experiencing and have experienced. I’m not sure what to say.

God loves you. It is true. Believe it.

I think you should seek out the help of a professional counselor.

I will pray for you.

 

[Trident_H]

Hey Ruth. Hey. Take it easy girl. Look. I need you to sort of step me through this a bit. I mean this anxiety. This pain you feel. Does it happen at a specific? Like does it trigger always at the same part of the Mass? I mean I’m assuming it doesn’t always hit just from walking into a church, right? Just that one time right? Because if that happened your trip to Rome must have been a bit of a let down.

And I’m assuming it doesn’t always happen? Just sometimes? Or am I wrong here?

Does it happen more when you’re alone? Or with your family? Or?

And about cutting yourself. This is sort of murky water. I mean I know pain. I understand hurt. I understand the need for blood sometimes in this. But usually there’s a trigger. Usually there’s an association. I mean aside from the Bi-Polar side. Because that’s not something a guy counts on in that way. It’s not a clockwork thing. It shouldn’t just be you getting Bi-Polar in Church at the Halleluja or whatever.

So I’m wondering what to make of this. And I guess so are you.

I mean is there a sort of resentment here? An inner rebellion? Some reason you mix church with extreme angst? I mean you laid out that you’ve somehow associated clergy with ignoring your problems with cutting yourself. But I’m not really clear what you mean. I don’t know how you walked up to a monseigneur one day and showed him your scars. And then saw his rejection in that. How did you approach your need for help? How did you lay it out?

And I’m still not really clear how it all started. I’m just fishing on this. I mean I don’t know the first thing. All I can go with is my own experience with pain. And usually there’s a reason for it. Usually the call for blood is a deep reason.

I’m also not really understanding how you showed up in this. How you went from talking about a regular Mass routine in some threads to claiming to have been outside the Church for 3 years. What am I missing? Do you mean you just aren’t volunteering in church? But you’re still going? Or am I misreading your other threads?

Peace RuthTherese. Let’s work together on this. Let’s sift through it slowly. PM me if you need to take this off the boards. You’ve got my attention here. Join the Pain Club. We’ve got that happening on the Trident PM channel. Share what you need.

-Trident

 

[fisherman_carl]

Did you consider that perhaps they didn’t know how to help you? That is why it seems like they sent you away? It may not have been out of any illwill. People are limited. People have limited love. The challenge for us is to love them anyways, even when they disappointment us. Because we have limited love too. How can we expect others to love us perfectly, especially when we ourselves are not perfect either?

God still loves you and I am praying for you. What you describe sounds like a panic attack. The anxiety builds up until you can’t stand it anymore and have to leave. It manifests itself in a number of symptoms. I know personally what that feels like and believe me I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Do you experience this anxiety anywhere else? Is anything bad actually happening to you at church? Other than feeling uncomfortable feelings? People who suffer from anxiety and panic attacks often have vivid imaginations. It can be compared to a little horror movie going on in your head. You may hear some words in your mind associated with an anxious thought. One has to learn to desensitize oneself to the thought that triggers the anxiety. It’s hard to do that if you run away from it. One has to put oneself in those situations that cause anxiety to overcome it. This is a desensitizing process. Just like how a scary movie is less scary if you turn the sound off. You take away the scary music and its just not as scary.

Imagine attending Mass with the sound of scary music playing in the background. It would give the Mass a completely different experience. This is like attending Mass with anxious thoughts. And when the mind is in the anxious state only anxious thoughts stick. It is like all you can think about is any anxious thought that comes into your head. The desensitizing process helps to disassociate these thoughts with anxiety. It’s not easy to go through but it is safe. And you would benefit from exploring this further with a professional counselor.

You have to ask yourself do you want anxiety or depression to control your life? To dictate to you what you can and cannot do?

 

[cjforJesus]

I was born and raised Roman Catholic as the oldest of five, both parents lovingly in the picture my entire life. I was an altar server, we were the perfect homeschool family learning our theology and apologetics. My mother would put us to bed every night with a rosary since we were newborns so we grew up learning the prayers. We went to daily Mass. We did everything.

When I was a freshman in high school, I developed bipolar disorder (which went undiagnosed until a few months ago). A huge part of it in these beginning months was intense anxiety. And for whatever reason, that anxiety would peak whenever I was in a church. I tried again and again to go to Mass, to go to Adoration, or even just sit in the sanctuary alone. I tried for all four years of high school to go back, but I couldn’t stay get close to the Sacrament without losing control and having to spend the rest of the time I was there hiding in the bathroom to get myself under control. I developed an addiction to self harm during this time because the pain was so great I couldn’t take it anymore.

So here I am now, a few months out of college with a full-time job that I love and having moved to a new state and a new city. I haven’t been a part of the Church for the last three years because it hurts. I’ve become bitter and angry, because I went to priests, monsignors and sisters in our diocese and the neighboring diocese for years, begging for even just prayers, or some insight to stop associating the religion I was brought up in with this intense pain. My mental health struggles would always defeat me. I wish I could say I was exaggerating when I recall the number of clergy who would see the cuts on my skin, even though I desperately was trying to hide them, and they would instantly turn me away. They wouldn’t send me to a doctor, or even my family. They might offer to say a little prayer, but they would all just tell me to leave with no explanation. And after several years of this in combination with how I associate church with all this suffering… I really, really struggle to return to any idea of trying Catholicism again, as it were.

I’ve tried to pray. I get so frustrated so easily; the only thing I can compare this to is PTSD, though that’s not what it is, just the association. Feeling like all of God’s messengers have turned me away, clergy and laypeople alike. Having friends scold and guilt me into going back to Mass, telling me it’s my own fault I suffer from this mental illness, and it never would have happened if I’d been a good girl before all of this developed.

So… in short, I’m very much upset with myself, kind of at the church, but mostly myself. I don’t know where to go here, because even recently, stepping into a church literally made me collapse again. I try to pray on my own, but honestly, it feels so pointless… I suppose any prayers or advice or resources anyone knows about would be very welcome. I’m hurting so much and I am so tired of feeling this way.

Apologies for being so long-winded, and thanks for bearing with me.

Sad to hear of your pain and confusion.
If you have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder within the last few months please understand that the medications prescribed at times take a while to work. Do not give up hope and please speak with a therapist asap
Praying for your intentions.

 

[Eric_Prine]

I’ll be praying for you, RuthTherese.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

RuthTherese,

Despite apparent major differences in detail our experience is very similar in a lot of ways deep down. Our family were on the fringe of the Church. I was told in two dioceses that the Church had nothing more for me. A bishop and lots of clergy got me into something but in parallel with that there was a row about vulnerable people in the church. I lived for 42 years not knowing that I have specific learning differences. God surrounded me withempathetic parents, empathetic Protestant teachers (a few) and acquaintances, superb colleagues, and some Catholics who knew how to get on my “wavelength” at the time. After the row I sometimes felt triggered by the sight of a certain church building and sometimes I could sit through Mass contentedly. I taught myself a version of spiritual communion not from any particular crib sheet but just thanksgiving for all sorts of things and breathtaken by His move in history.

Our adventures in inner space are the most precious treasure from God. I don’t detect the slightest shame in your posts - hang onto that. It’s always right to question God to His face.

I’ll pray that Christ will send you enough support from your fellows. It may take surprising forms. Some of it might even come from Methodists, but I don’t know!
Like others I am here for you at the forum and the links from the forum.

 

[lax16]

I was born and raised Roman Catholic as the oldest of five, both parents lovingly in the picture my entire life. I was an altar server, we were the perfect homeschool family learning our theology and apologetics. My mother would put us to bed every night with a rosary since we were newborns so we grew up learning the prayers. We went to daily Mass. We did everything.

When I was a freshman in high school, I developed bipolar disorder (which went undiagnosed until a few months ago). A huge part of it in these beginning months was intense anxiety. And for whatever reason, that anxiety would peak whenever I was in a church. I tried again and again to go to Mass, to go to Adoration, or even just sit in the sanctuary alone. I tried for all four years of high school to go back, but I couldn’t stay get close to the Sacrament without losing control and having to spend the rest of the time I was there hiding in the bathroom to get myself under control. I developed an addiction to self harm during this time because the pain was so great I couldn’t take it anymore.

So here I am now, a few months out of college with a full-time job that I love and having moved to a new state and a new city. I haven’t been a part of the Church for the last three years because it hurts. I’ve become bitter and angry, because I went to priests, monsignors and sisters in our diocese and the neighboring diocese for years, begging for even just prayers, or some insight to stop associating the religion I was brought up in with this intense pain. My mental health struggles would always defeat me. I wish I could say I was exaggerating when I recall the number of clergy who would see the cuts on my skin, even though I desperately was trying to hide them, and they would instantly turn me away. They wouldn’t send me to a doctor, or even my family. They might offer to say a little prayer, but they would all just tell me to leave with no explanation. And after several years of this in combination with how I associate church with all this suffering… I really, really struggle to return to any idea of trying Catholicism again, as it were.

I’ve tried to pray. I get so frustrated so easily; the only thing I can compare this to is PTSD, though that’s not what it is, just the association. Feeling like all of God’s messengers have turned me away, clergy and laypeople alike. Having friends scold and guilt me into going back to Mass, telling me it’s my own fault I suffer from this mental illness, and it never would have happened if I’d been a good girl before all of this developed.

So… in short, I’m very much upset with myself, kind of at the church, but mostly myself. I don’t know where to go here, because even recently, stepping into a church literally made me collapse again. I try to pray on my own, but honestly, it feels so pointless… I suppose any prayers or advice or resources anyone knows about would be very welcome. I’m hurting so much and I am so tired of feeling this way.

Apologies for being so long-winded, and thanks for bearing with me.

Many times, people with bi-polar and anxiety actually have Lyme disease and coinfections (such as babesia and bartonella). Not saying you have it but you may want to rule it out.

 

[GLam8833]

Hi Ruth Therese,
I just read the story of St. Germaine, it underlines for
me the importance of FREE WILL in self-determination,
if you say that you fear approaching God, YOU ARE
RIGHT, if you say that the clergy are insensitive to
you and w/o christian charity YOU ARE RIGHT.
But, you can also decide not to let these “facts”
hinder you from doing the RIGHT thing… to Love
God and love neighbor!!! Let your FORMED consc-
ience direct you into God’s Love and Christ’s per-
severance!

 

[PaulfromIowa]

OP, you should not be angry with your self or with the Church. You have a medical problem, not a spiritual one. Don’t blame yourself or clergy or friends/family for not knowing how to handle very complex medical issues.

Watch the Mass on tv or on the internet if you cannot go to Church. God does not expect the impossible. Keep in touch with God in prayer.

Find the best doctors you can to help you with the bipolar disorder. Dealing with it may be a long struggle.

 

[GEddie]

For the OP, ICXC NIKA.

 

[RuthTherese]

Used to remember the script for quoting, don’t quite have it anymore. shrug

[Trident H
Does it happen at a specific? Like does it trigger always at the same part of the Mass? Because if that happened your trip to Rome must have been a bit of a let down.]

My trip to Rome was… not what I would have expected it to be. While there was a great deal of awe and reverence at being in the Vatican, there was the anxiety that was very much present. Part of that was due to the crowds, since small spaces and huge numbers of people are just a phobia of mine in general.

I feel like a lot of it is recognizing the Presence and therefore the power of what I’m experiencing. I’ve always found it very difficult when I’m in any kind of close proximity to the Tabernacle itself. The longer I am there, the more difficult it is to hold off the more illogical feelings. So Adoration is something that upsets me faster than, say, just walking into the sanctuary.

[Does it happen more when you’re alone? Or with your family? Or?]

I don’t get many opportunities to visit a church with anyone else, really. Going to Methodist college, every other classmate had no interest in broadening their horizons, and it was a bit hit and miss at our small-town parish as far as people wanting to chat with me, the only student who would ever show up. Granted, it would be around once a month, and I’d usually slip out before the homily for no apparent reason that they could see. And when I stopped really trying, that didn’t help my case.

[And about cutting yourself. This is sort of murky water. I mean I know pain. I understand hurt. I understand the need for blood sometimes in this. But usually there’s a trigger. Usually there’s an association.]

It’s been an issue for a little over a year at this point. For me, the pain has never been what you might consider the stereotypical depressed state. It’s something that I’m more likely to do during these manic episodes, where I feel the anxiety and the confusion and hurting so strongly that it gives me something else to focus on. Something else that I’m very much in control of, and physical pain becomes easier to bear than all the emotions and panic that are much harder to stop via willpower. Especially when I know that I can become not exactly calm again, but calmer very quickly when I self harm.

And that’s something I’ve gone to counseling for before. It’s apparently also very frowned upon in the professional community as many of these therapists have told me flat out that they don’t know what to do to help after only a couple visits… which in turn makes me not sure what I’m doing wrong. But that’s an entirely different kettle of fish…
I have always found my mental health to be something that I feel intensely ashamed of. That’s why I have tried to put a different face on the boards here, because it feels like there’s something wrong with me that seems to be my own fault, and I was afraid of what reaction I would get on the boards here. That isn’t to say every part of church caused me angst ever since I joined the forums; posting last night when manic was not my best move.

But to give a more concrete example there… I was having a very difficult day, after having talked to a childhood friend who had spent a long phone call reminding me that the only reason I ever have mental health problems is because it’s my fault, because I don’t pray hard enough so God is certainly punishing me now. It upset me because I’d already been manic, so I ended up driving to the Franciscan convent a ways away, where I’d attended a few retreats in grade school. I tried to go to the Adoration chapel, but was unable to stay more than a few minutes, and ended up shaking in the hall outside the chapel, upset and too frustrated with myself to really pay much attention to my surroundings.

One of the novices found me and listened to me, and went off to find me someone to call, since she couldn’t think of anyone at the convent who would be helpful at that moment in time. She ended up running into monsignor, and brought him to me, and he just looked at me in my corner with my shaky hands and exposed forearm, since I’d been too out of it to notice my sleeve getting rolled up. And I don’t know what Sister told him beforehand, but he just looked at me and didn’t say anything other than I should leave now. And I did… because I wasn’t sure what else to do.

I know not many people can be anywhere near comfortable with this kind of thing. And I respect that; I can’t really handle other people with some of my problems because they become triggering for me. But… when multiple priests after this as well also just told me I needed to leave, not even offering any other ideas for people who would feel better… I wasn’t really sure what to think, to be honest. I’m not good at talking about my mental health. I know that.
My involvement in church at all has essentially just declined… I’d try to go to daily Mass for maybe two or three days before I couldn’t stand the anxiety anymore. I occasionally went to parish events in our small-town parish, but never found it in me to volunteer. It just slowly became more intense, and again, I never wanted anyone to know I was having an issue. I just stopped showing up, would come in a random spurt, and then vanish again… and wanting to feel like I had a normal routine, like there wasn’t a problem, I was fine.**

 

[RuthTherese]

[fisherman carl
Do you experience this anxiety anywhere else? Is anything bad actually happening to you at church? Other than feeling uncomfortable feelings?]

Oh, yes, sadly. In some ways, it’s all very similar triggers. Being in class was a huge difficulty before graduation. Being in social situations. Feeling overwhelmed with school. All factors that are included in going to Mass. But in my twisted head, it feels like these feelings when associated with religion are “worse” in the greater picture. As in, it’s fine to be anxious in class, you can make that work. But being anxious in Mass feels like a different story because it’s something I feel like I “shouldn’t” be feeling. That anything to do with religion should be separate, if that makes sense. Not really sure what brought that train of thought on in my life, but… yeah.

---

I am trying to find professional counseling now I’ve moved to a new state, but then discovered that the health insurance I now get through work doesn’t cover mental health anything. And with these professionals running $200 an hour on a below entry-level salary… that’s a bit rough heh.

 

[AttendeDomine]

I’m going to give you a piece of advice that I’m considering not mentioning. I come from a certain perspective, and I realize my perspective won’t be shared by all. In fact, this perspective is somewhat stigmatized in our culture.

However, if I knew you in real life, I would actually make an attempt to help you reach out to an exorcist. What you describe *could *be spiritual in nature, and this *could *be manifesting itself in a psychological manner. I think there is a need for rational and level-headed discernment here, and I would urge you find a way to get a hold of an exorcist, and to tell him what you told us.

Furthermore, going along this path might rule out one possibility, and it will also provide you with a means to access psychological evaluation despite your limited funds.

 

[Trident_H]

Ok Ruth. I think I’ve got a better picture of this. I’m going to break up my answers into different posts because of length. Let’s see what happens with that.

[Trident H
Does it happen at a specific? Like does it trigger always at the same part of the Mass? Because if that happened your trip to Rome must have been a bit of a let down.]

My trip to Rome was… not what I would have expected it to be. While there was a great deal of awe and reverence at being in the Vatican, there was the anxiety that was very much present. Part of that was due to the crowds, since small spaces and huge numbers of people are just a phobia of mine in general.

Yeah. I get that. Crowds are a real energy sap for me. I don’t suffer anxiety from that though. Not usually. I’m glad you muscled through it though.

I feel like a lot of it is recognizing the Presence and therefore the power of what I’m experiencing. I’ve always found it very difficult when I’m in any kind of close proximity to the Tabernacle itself. The longer I am there, the more difficult it is to hold off the more illogical feelings. So Adoration is something that upsets me faster than, say, just walking into the sanctuary.

Well kindred spirit. Welcome to the club. For me it had a lot to do with a sort of feedback loop I was getting. A vibe that had a bit of echo. So I had this real sense that I was in an important aura. That I was being especially scrutinized. That I had to shape up. That God had my measure. I mean I don’t know if that is your feeling. So for me I just kept to the back. Out of sight. Behind a pillar.

But I’ve gotten to a spot that’s different now. I’ve sort of found a way forward. I’ve made my peace in a way. It took 3 steps. But I went down that path. And that pressure fear’s been set aside. Pretty much. But my source is probably different from yours. Mine was based on extreme guilt. A real burden. Yours might have a totally different angle.

[Does it happen more when you’re alone? Or with your family? Or?]

I don’t get many opportunities to visit a church with anyone else, really. Going to Methodist college, every other classmate had no interest in broadening their horizons, and it was a bit hit and miss at our small-town parish as far as people wanting to chat with me, the only student who would ever show up. Granted, it would be around once a month, and I’d usually slip out before the homily for no apparent reason that they could see. And when I stopped really trying, that didn’t help my case.

Yeah. Ok. And just for no particular. I was Methodist before I converted. So there’s a twinning here. At least I feel we’re on some sort of familiar way.

[And about cutting yourself. This is sort of murky water. I mean I know pain. I understand hurt. I understand the need for blood sometimes in this. But usually there’s a trigger. Usually there’s an association.]

It’s been an issue for a little over a year at this point. For me, the pain has never been what you might consider the stereotypical depressed state. It’s something that I’m more likely to do during these manic episodes, where I feel the anxiety and the confusion and hurting so strongly that it gives me something else to focus on. Something else that I’m very much in control of, and physical pain becomes easier to bear than all the emotions and panic that are much harder to stop via willpower. Especially when I know that I can become not exactly calm again, but calmer very quickly when I self harm.

Ok. This is a scene I know really well. I really understand what you’re at with this. Only I didn’t cut myself. I turned to a more liquid solution. And then drugs. So yeah. I guess I was all into self-harm too. Now what I do to cope with my bouts of anxiety is to just write really rambling emails. Where I pore out all my pain. With a great musical backdrop. Great melancholic tunes. Sometimes I delete them. Sometimes I send them. And sometimes I post them straight up. Right guys?

And that’s something I’ve gone to counseling for before. It’s apparently also very frowned upon in the professional community as many of these therapists have told me flat out that they don’t know what to do to help after only a couple visits… which in turn makes me not sure what I’m doing wrong. But that’s an entirely different kettle of fish…

I’d like to be a fly on the wall with that. To know what it is that they don’t know what to do with. I mean are you really into this in a big way and just can’t back out? I don’t know if you should answer that here. Maybe this should be a private talk we’re having.

 

[Trident_H]

I have always found my mental health to be something that I feel intensely ashamed of. That’s why I have tried to put a different face on the boards here, because it feels like there’s something wrong with me that seems to be my own fault, and I was afraid of what reaction I would get on the boards here. That isn’t to say every part of church caused me angst ever since I joined the forums
*
Ok. I get it. This is a feedback loop you’re in. I know that. And I know all about hiding stuff. And shame. And shame bringing on the anxiety. And the anxiety that brings back the shame. So yeah. Feel easy here. No one’s judging you with this. You’re with friends here.
RuthTherese;13367986:

; posting last night when manic was not my best move.

Yeah. Well I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I’ve gotten some peculiar responses in the morning for the effort too.

But to give a more concrete example there… I was having a very difficult day, after having talked to a childhood friend who had spent a long phone call reminding me that the only reason I ever have mental health problems is because it’s my fault, because I don’t pray hard enough so God is certainly punishing me now.

Gotta love friends and their well meaning advice. Squawking down from a higher perch. With no real idea what they’re really talking about.

It upset me because I’d already been manic, so I ended up driving to the Franciscan convent a ways away, where I’d attended a few retreats in grade school. I tried to go to the Adoration chapel, but was unable to stay more than a few minutes, and ended up shaking in the hall outside the chapel, upset and too frustrated with myself to really pay much attention to my surroundings.

One of the novices found me and listened to me, and went off to find me someone to call, since she couldn’t think of anyone at the convent who would be helpful at that moment in time. She ended up running into monsignor, and brought him to me, and he just looked at me in my corner with my shaky hands and exposed forearm, since I’d been too out of it to notice my sleeve getting rolled up. And I don’t know what Sister told him beforehand, but he just looked at me and didn’t say anything other than I should leave now. And I did… because I wasn’t sure what else to do.

Probably just assumed you were high on something. I mean that’s a picture he could have. And he might have been worried about what you might do while there. Too bad really. And not super supportive obviously. I’ve had some better luck on that score. And I really was high on something. So I don’t know. Luck of the draw I guess.

But yeah. I’m sorry you were treated that way. Really.

I know not many people can be anywhere near comfortable with this kind of thing. And I respect that; I can’t really handle other people with some of my problems because they become triggering for me. But… when multiple priests after this as well also just told me I needed to leave, not even offering any other ideas for people who would feel better… I wasn’t really sure what to think, to be honest. I’m not good at talking about my mental health. I know that.

Yeah. Well I don’t know many people who are able to be open about their mental health. I mean I don’t usually light up a room with a tale of my anxiety. So I totally understand. And I really feel bad that the places you looked for for help were closed to you like that. I mean what a sad scene for sure.

So I tell you what. Next time. Next episode you get. You PM your buddy Trident. I know the score. You can unpack things there with me if you like. Write as crazy as you want. No problem.

My involvement in church at all has essentially just declined… I’d try to go to daily Mass for maybe two or three days before I couldn’t stand the anxiety anymore. I occasionally went to parish events in our small-town parish, but never found it in me to volunteer. It just slowly became more intense, and again, I never wanted anyone to know I was having an issue. I just stopped showing up, would come in a random spurt, and then vanish again… and wanting to feel like I had a normal routine, like there wasn’t a problem, I was fine.*

Ok. I get it. This makes more sense.

 

[Trident_H]

K. Ruth. You’ve been about as candid as can be. Let’s see what we can offer in terms of real advice. I mean there’s a lot still left unsaid. A lot of room for misunderstanding. So take this broad brush. This wide angle view. And break it down to what you need.

But what I’d suggest you try is a real step back from anything too formal. Anything too quiet. Too serene. And serious. Try to stay connected with your church through a weekly Mass routine. But stay at the back. In the crying room even. Near the back door for sure. Somewhere where you can pace it out if you need to.

And relax about all of the things you need to do or should be doing. You’re a sensitive soul. And you need some buffers to your pain. You need a release valve that’s not self-destructive. And you need friends who support you where you’re at.

Ok. Well for friends. Count me in. I know where you’re at. I’m on the level with you there.

For a release. This anxiety’s a pointer. It’s telling us that you’re taking in and holding more emotion. More pain maybe. Than you’re letting back out. It tells me that you’re probably an introvert. You probably think pretty deep about things. And haven’t built a channel to exhale. You fill up. But don’t release. So the anxiety hits. Maybe triggered by the contrast between peace that you see in a church setting. And the turmoil that’s in your soul. It drives a wedge between what you want and can’t seem to reach. And sets you in a dark place where you try to master your emotions with physical pain. Because pain controls all. In the end.

So you need a better plan than that. You need to allow yourself some early-warning venting. So it doesn’t build to where blood’s the only cure. Physical activity’s one possible. It works for me during the daytime. But since I don’t allow myself out at night that’s where I get hit worst. Friends are another outlet. But you need true-type friends. Not hanger-ons. Not superficial types either. And friends aren’t always available.

If you’ve got artistic leanings you might want to draw it out. But the only problem is that stamps a permanent mark on your pain. So you’d have to draw and erase. You can’t be keeping this stuff in. But you can’t be keeping it nearby either.

Doing something good for someone else can also bleed it out. And I mean I’m not talking anything specific. Just a general good can do it. To keep your feelings flowing in a positive way.

And sleep’s important too. Getting low on sleep can flip that switch. Can make your mind start finding excuses to hold onto hurt.

As for buffers. Well that’s hard. I mean this stuff can come at you unexpected. But some efforts can be made in avoiding toxic friendships. Like the kind that drive a knife in your back. And skipping a lot of dark topics. The types of things that fascinate the mind. But cover the soul in dark layers.

And just try to stay in open communication. With one or two people you trust. I mean it’s a way. It keeps things said. And takes away the pressures. And guilt. And pain. That lead to you feeling overwhelmed with anxiety. So I can help in that if you want. PM me and we’ll stream all that. No problem.

Peace Ruth. Relax in this. You’ve got friends here. You’ve got a way forward.

-Trident