Painful friendship loss

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Hello, here is my problem. I’ve had a friend for almost 30 years (I’m 40ish) and although we haven’t lived in the same city for the past couple of decades, I always made an effort to keep in touch with a card or phone call - even visited when my family and I passed through her town. Last summer, I was to go on a 3 week trip to Europe and, knowing she loved to travel (and I loved company), I asked her to come along. I made the plans and we had a good time- until the last couple of days. To make a long story short, I lost it, was upset, then withdrawn after I said a few hurtful things. I think it was part homesickness, stress, etc. and I tried to compose myself but it just made me seem moodier. My friend avoided me, which I don’t blame her for (we went separately to the airport and she found another seat on the plane ride back), but at the time I was so upset she didn’t talk to me, and I just wore sunglasses and cried silently to myself until I got home. A few weeks later, I decided to break the ice and sent her some photos of our trip along with brief, 'hope you are okay" letter. I was afraid to call, thinking she might be angry at me, or maybe worried we might argue. Anyway, I received no reply. A few months later, I sent her another short email. Again, no reply. I sent her a card at Xmas, and a card on her birthday. I didn’t write alot, but I did apologize for my actions and said I valued our friendship. No replies. Last week, I sent one more email, and mentioned I may be in her city later this summer and hoped we could meet. This time I got a terse reply that she felt nothing towards me and that she was so heartbroken by how how cruelly I treated the last days of our trip. She told me to not contact her again.

I was surprised at her email, but also deeply saddened. I didn’t think she would be so angry one year later. I have been crying ever since I got that email and have tried to talk it over with my husband (who knows the whole situation and is trying to help me), but the pain I feel is so great. How can I throw away our friendship, which has lasted most of my life? How can I get deal with this loss which seems like a death, but she is still living. I am confused and have been praying but wonder is there anything else I can do?
Thank you
 
Well, from the last line of your post I can see she{s very forgiving. tsk tsk. Maybe you shouldnt have waited so long. And an apology should always be done face to face. Maybe you should show up at her house and apologise. Maybe tell her that you have been friends since teenage years and you wouldnt want it all to be thrown away. Then pray. Whatever the response from her is, you did your job as a Christian. You apologised and repented. If shes devout maybe you can mention Christs forgiveness.

P.S Sorry for my lack of apostrophies. Spanish keyboards are a hassle! 😉
 
You aren’t throwing away the friendship she is, focus on your family and the life you have where you live, forget this stranger who you no longer know she is not the same person you knew and enjoy the people who do love you.
 
I’m mourning the death of a 48 year friendship that also fizzled in Europe. I’ve waited two years for an apology but nothing. Very sad. Had some great times. She did everything but apologize and it was not a situation that could be ignored. I’ve forgiven her and I could easily move on.

Another friend is still upset that a 38 year friendship she had dissolved.

Heart breaking. Pray. You apologized and I’m sure you meant it. You did what you were suppose to. :console:
 
Sadly enough, it’s probably best to mourn this loss and begin to let go. If you were to show up in person she might take that as harassment and then you’d feel even worse.

I have a friendship that has hit some rocky patches (right now it’s renewed and we’ll see how it goes) and I’ve lost some others. There are beginning to be books in the secular media about friendship (one I read was called Best Friends Forever) that help you know what to do, because it’s beginning to be recognized that our friendships can go pretty deep, maybe even as deep as our family ties.

God bless you, and may He bring you consolation in this difficult time.
 
kikicheops said:
I was surprised at her email, but also deeply saddened. I didn’t think she would be so angry one year later.
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Obviously, whatever it was that you said to her, hurt her far more deeply than you realized. The tongue can often be a sword, and sometimes we wound others without meaning to.

Just make sure she understands that you deeply regret hurting her like that, and then give her the time and space that she needs, to heal. If she chooses not to forgive you, don’t take it personally - just keep praying for her.
 
I have to wonder if perhaps she has somethign else going on in her life that she suddenly became so offended as to turn her back on such a long friendship. Is there a history of depression? Has she been hurt by another friend/family member lately? Has someone she cared abotu died? Sometimes people respond in a harsh way to something relatively minor due to other events in their life.

How has your 30 year friendship been? Have you gone your entire friendship without a disagreement or misunderstanding? Surely you must of have some quirks over the years, how did you deal with them then?

Friendship is very important, and especially such a long one, don’t throw it away. If I were you I’d go visit her, when she doesn’t expect it, she’ll know its a long way off the beaten track for you to travel, tell her in person how things have been with you and why you said what you said and how sorry you are et al. Perhaps write these thigns down and speak them off the paper to her, telling her you’re doing it that way because you fear you will loose your train of thought given your emotional trauma this break up has been to you. Tell her about how you’ve been crying and saddened.

(Maybe warn the husband you’re coming so he can make sure she’s home).

Then just say you will give her time to contemplate and say you will leave now - this will give her time to mull over your words - give her the letter you read from - and it might also prevent her having a moment to really tear into you. She could, however, invite you in and express her hurt to you over this.

You haven’t mentioned what you said, but obviously it was either really nasty or she’s jsut very sensitive, it might take a while to get your friendship back on track, but don’t throw it away. And if she does continue to refuse your friendship and apologies, then at least you knew you did everythign you could to try and save it. The rest will be on her shoulders.
 
I have to dissent from the idea of pursuing this person when she has made a request that you not. Here’s why:
  1. It shows that you respect her boundaries and her right to set them, which is a way of showing you respect her personhood as a child of God.
  2. It shows that you for your own part are willing to let go and let God, trusting this painful situation to His infinite wisdom to work this out in His good time.
  3. Nothing can keep you from continuing to pray, :gopray2:which is the best thing you can do, and
  4. If she’s really upset, however irrational her beliefs might be, they are the basis for any action she might take, including legal action against you, which would be humiliating :(and make the whole business that much more painful.
Just stuff to consider…
 
All you can do is to write back and say, "I’m sorry you feel that way, but considering how badly I acted during our trip, I understand. If you ever see your way to forgive me, please let me know. You have been a treasured friend for so many years, I would do anything I could to take back the things I said, and I would jump on the chance to make it up to you. In the meantime, I will respect your wish to be left alone, until I hear otherwise from you.

Thank you for all your friendship over the years. I will treasure it always,
Your friend, kikicheops"

Then leave her be, until she decides to contact you. I don’t know exactly what went on between you, but I would not hold my breath.
 
I guess I’m in the minority in that your explanation of what transpired in Europe really made me wonder. It sounds like it was really bad, and (I don’t mean to be cruel here) not entirely normal. It made me wonder if you suffer from depression or anything like that? If so, did you explain this to your friend? That your actions were perhaps not completely voluntary?

I also don’t think it’s fair of us in cyberspace to judge your friend’s anger when we don’t know what you said and did. If you attacked her personally, I can see how she would withdraw from the relationship. If an old friend who I had limited contact with invited me to Europe, and then attacked me and proceeded to act unpredictably, I think I might also steer clear of that person in the future.

It sounds like, upon your first post-trip contact, you tried to act like nothing happened. When that didn’t work, you “sort-of” apologized. I think it may have been too little, too late. It’s very likely that she arrived home VERY shaken, and your lack of a detailed and prompt apology & explanation sealed the deal for her.

I agree with others that it would be a bad idea to continue to contact her. If you two have any other friends in common, I might say that that person could deliver a message along the lines of “Kiki is so sorry and so upset about all that’s happened. She hopes that some day if you feel ready, you will reach out to her. She misses you and still wants to try to make it up to you.” But that’s about all I would do.

I hope you will be able to come to peace with this – since you’ve really done all you can do. Remember your friend in your prayers – perhaps she will have a change of heart. God bless.
 
I would not continue to pursue this friendship. She has asked to not contact her. Treat her with respect and follow her wishes. If she means that much to you than do what she asks instead of what you want. Its difficult and painful I’m sure, but she has chosen to end the friendship. Trying to force the issue will not change her mind -and only will prove to her that you have boundary issues. Sometimes in life we have to accept that some things that are broken can not be fixed.
 
Thanks everyone for their thoughtful replies. An update…I spoke to my sister, who is a pyschiatrist, about my situation. I told my sister everything (all my actions/my friend’s actions on the trip) and she read my friend’s email response. In all, she thought it was rather angry and not an entirely rational response. She thinks there may be something going on in my friend’s life (perhaps a mid-life crisis, depression, etc.) and my friend may be projecting it on to me. Apparently this can happen all on a sub-conscious level. This can happen both ways…the reluctance I have ‘letting go’ may be a projection of something I have on my friend. Also, my friend comes from a broken home, her parents divorced when she was a pre-teen. This was about the time I was a close childhood friend with her. I remember that on our trip,my friend talked a lot about her mother and how ‘fed up’ she has been with her over the years (her mother is alone and my friend complained she was demanding, and was upset that she, as oldest daughter, had most of the responsibility for the mother). My friend also said something that surprised me. She said she will never love her father (the divorce was precipitated with an affair and re-marriage on his part). A couple of years ago, when my sister was setting up her psychiatric practice, my friend was visiting and we went to see my sister’s office. My friend was eager to find out if there were therapists my sister could recommend to her, in her town. At the time, my sister didn’t have the contacts (she does now but doesn’t feel it is appropriate to contact the friend and say ‘oh, btw, here’s a good therapist’, unless my friend initiates contact first). My sister said too that it may take years when or if my friend may think differently.
As much as I would love to travel the hundreds of miles to see my friend and speak to her in person, both my sister and husband don’t think it is a good idea. There may be too many variables…what if she wasn’t there, or refused to let me in (she lives in an apt), or did speak with me, but was just as angry and terse as her email? Would that make it harder for any future re-connection? Then there are the logistics (financial, care for our children, time off work etc.).
I’m still so saddened by everything, one year later, but I’ve been trying to keep busy and pray. My friend (see, I cannot think of her as ‘not a friend’, it is still painful) and I have a birthday close to together…in the middle of winter. It is still months away but I was thinking of sending her a heartfelt letter either then or at Christmas. My sister and husband think that’s okay. I know she may rip it up or not even open it…or she may have moved with no forwarding address. Or she may reply…one day. I was wondering what you all think…is a birthday letter once a year okay?
 
kikicheops said:
Thanks everyone for their thoughtful replies. An update…I spoke to my sister, who is a pyschiatrist, about my situation. I told my sister everything (all my actions/my friend’s actions on the trip) and she read my friend’s email response. In all, she thought it was rather angry and not an entirely rational response. She thinks there may be something going on in my friend’s life (perhaps a mid-life crisis, depression, etc.) and my friend may be projecting it on to me. Apparently this can happen all on a sub-conscious level. This can happen both ways…the reluctance I have ‘letting go’ may be a projection of something I have on my friend. Also, my friend comes from a broken home, her parents divorced when she was a pre-teen. This was about the time I was a close childhood friend with her. I remember that on our trip,my friend talked a lot about her mother and how ‘fed up’ she has been with her over the years (her mother is alone and my friend complained she was demanding, and was upset that she, as oldest daughter, had most of the responsibility for the mother). My friend also said something that surprised me. She said she will never love her father (the divorce was precipitated with an affair and re-marriage on his part). A couple of years ago, when my sister was setting up her psychiatric practice, my friend was visiting and we went to see my sister’s office. My friend was eager to find out if there were therapists my sister could recommend to her, in her town. At the time, my sister didn’t have the contacts (she does now but doesn’t feel it is appropriate to contact the friend and say ‘oh, btw, here’s a good therapist’, unless my friend initiates contact first). My sister said too that it may take years when or if my friend may think differently.
As much as I would love to travel the hundreds of miles to see my friend and speak to her in person, both my sister and husband don’t think it is a good idea. There may be too many variables…what if she wasn’t there, or refused to let me in (she lives in an apt), or did speak with me, but was just as angry and terse as her email? Would that make it harder for any future re-connection? Then there are the logistics (financial, care for our children, time off work etc.).
I’m still so saddened by everything, one year later, but I’ve been trying to keep busy and pray. My friend (see, I cannot think of her as ‘not a friend’, it is still painful) and I have a birthday close to together…in the middle of winter. It is still months away but I was thinking of sending her a heartfelt letter either then or at Christmas. My sister and husband think that’s okay. I know she may rip it up or not even open it…or she may have moved with no forwarding address. Or she may reply…one day. I was wondering what you all think…is a birthday letter once a year okay?
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Your a GOOD person to con’t to want too. It shows your apology was very genuine & can’t hurt anything except your pride if she does not respond. All I can say your a better person than I could be or most people in the world today. Don’t continue to berate yourself. Just know you are a good person & quit feeling bad. Please. Because you are so “Good” & Are sorry. It’s much harder to forgive yourself than to forgive others. Rare & sorry to say in this day & age.
 
It sounds like you really hurt your friend very deeply and if that’s the case, I can fully understand why she would no longer want to be friends. You can try to rationalize it, you can try to explain it away, you can pass the blame off on her possible life circumstances, you can accuse her of acting unforgiving and un-Christlike, but at the end of the day you said and did things that damaged the relationship beyond repair. It is wonderful that you admit that what you did was wrong and appologized, but sometimes forgiving and fogetting is much easier said than done. Would it be great if she could get over the pain and reconcile with you? Yes! But some pain runs really deep. This might be a bad analogy, but think of how a spouse feels when they are cheated on. Do you think it’s easy for them to forgive and forget the pain? Forgiveness and reconliciation is always best, but some wounds are fatal to a relationship particularly if the hurt person does not trust that the other person understands the depth of the pain.
Although it hurts, you may have to accept that your words and actions have ended this friendship. 😦 Maybe in a few years you can try to call her and appologize again after things have cooled down more. I wish you both the best. You sound like a good person who just made a mistake and I hope your friend can understand that.
 
Hi Kikichops

I am in a bit of a similar situation however, I am on the other side of the coin. In this scenario I could be your friend and I will try to explain to you her point of view.

I have a friend from high school. I am now 40 and we have kept in touch all these years. She got pregnant in HS, married the guy, raised 3 kids, and when her kids where older cleaned houses for extra money since it was all she could get. Because of health issues she can no longer work so she stays at home.

I on the other hand left town to get and education and now work in an office.

Everytime I go home, I look her up and go ot her place. I can barely leave the house she wants me to spend so much time with her. And before I leave town she is always begging me to move back home or at least closer so she can see me more often. She would probably be just like you and say ‘We have had a great friendship over the past 25 years’.

Here is my perspective. (and I KNOW I am going to make myself look bad here) I go home 2-3 times a year. Why not give her a call ? I have time on my hands. And it is nice to be at her place because I can get away from my dad for a few hours 😉

It is kind of nice once in a while to talk about the good old days of high school. But my life has moved in SUCH a different direction. I have not idea what is is to raise 3 kids. And I comprehend even less how she can be so permissive with them. But I don’t judge or say anything because after all, I see her for a total of less than 30 hours a years.

I have a LOT of struggles with my career. I can’t tell her about it because I don’t think she has EVER even set foot in a business office. She doesn’t uderstand what I go through and is the type of person who asks questions that make me feel like I am an idiot because of office politics. So I bite my tongue and keep my problems to myself (easy to do when you only see someone for a total of 30 hours a week)

But the truth is, I would not be sad at all if our friendship disolved. Because of the geographical distance, when I need something in my day to day life, she can not jump in her car and come help me (It would take her 10 hours to get to my place). So our day to day lives are worlds apart.

The last time I saw her, I found she was being REALLY self centered and insensitive. I did not assert myself because in the back of my mind all I could think is ‘I will be back home in 2 days and can forget about her’

So if I was to spend 3 weeks in such close quarters as a hotel room with her and she did something to hurt me, I would almost see it as a blessing. Finally an opportunity to assert myself. Ask her about our friendship and she would say it is wonderful. By not having daily contact, the opportunity to work out differences does not exist. And as the years go by, the glue of the friendship weekens.

Not fun for you, but the sad truth of moving on with life

Now one other thing that really stuck out in your post (if you have read this far) You saay she confided in you problems with her mother and that she could never love her dad. I don’t care how good a friendship is. When she told you all that stuff, she really opened herself up and made herself vunerable. She took a risk and you turned around and did something to hurt her. Even if what you did was totally unrelated to her family problems, that is irrelevant in her mind. She needed a friend, trusted you and shortly after you hurt her. All she can think is ‘I can’t believe I was so stupid to trust her. She knoww how bad my problems are and can’t even be nice to me !!!’ She is crushed and does not see the point in giving a second chance to someone who lives so far away and consequently so easy to avoid

CM
 
To this last comparison: Sounds like one friend gave 100% & didn’t get anything back.
However by your not sharing your troubles & giving her a chance to show you she cared or a chance to respond in a way that would reassure you of her friendship, you both lost.
So maybe key is to friendship is a give take is = or not entirely lop sided.
 
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