Painful intercourse

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R1ch4rd

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My wife and I would like to continue forming the wonderful bond we have together. We know the rules, We’ve been married longer then many forum members are old. The long and short of it is, it takes me longer and she can’t go as long because of pain. She’s a wonderful woman and wants me to, but when I know I’m hurting her, I can’t. We’re looking into different creams but there’s a history of cancer on her side and she wants to be extremely careful and I want that for her too. We believe everything The CCC says and Pope John Paul II is our favorite Pope and we believe His teachings on TOB. In a way, it was JPII who opened our eyes to each other being made in His image. We started as fairly strict Catholics and when we were dating, the rough idea of Catholic sex was “it’s a sin before marriage” and “a sin to hold back after marriage” We’ve come a long distance and still believe we have some to go.

We’re not looking for opinions on theology, but rather thoughts from those in the same boat. Most every article on “keeping the flame going” usually states there are “other ways” to satisfy each other and remain close.We all know that can’t happen. Has anyone run across some good stuff for us Baby Boomers, Kinda like AARP for Catholics. Even a forum that’s for us “mature” Catholics. West is OK for the younger set, but it sounds as if he hasn’t reached our problem yet so says very little about it. Same with Popcak. Anybody read any "good"mature books lately?? Or gotten help from a Catholic source on this subject that they could share…Thanks
 
I am 29, and have had a complete hysterectomy because of my genetic disposition to breast and cervical cancer. With menopause came dryness. The dryness inevitably ends in burning pain. Bad pain, the kind of pain that make me want to tell my husband no and go cry in a corner. Because my menopause was so early in life, it was decided the benefit of being on HRT outweighs the risk. I have tried, in the past estrogen vaginal creams to treat the vaginal atrophy but they were messy and not as effective as I would have liked. Recently I was given a prescription for a vaginal ring (stays in for 90 days at a time) that slow releases a HRT directly to the area, and despite a slight increase of risk, it has been a god send. The vaginal estrogen is effective directly to the area but your overall exposure is less than an oral medication. Outside of some kind of hormonal treatment there really is no solution other than a lubricant. Water based are better. Hope this helps, if you have any questions PM me.
 
R1ch4rd said:
My wife and I would like to continue forming the wonderful bond we have together. We know the rules, We’ve been married longer then many forum members are old. The long and short of it is, it takes me longer and she can’t go as long because of pain. She’s a wonderful woman and wants me to, but when I know I’m hurting her, I can’t. We’re looking into different creams but there’s a history of cancer on her side and she wants to be extremely careful and I want that for her too. We believe everything The CCC says and Pope John Paul II is our favorite Pope and we believe His teachings on TOB. In a way, it was JPII who opened our eyes to each other being made in His image. We started as fairly strict Catholics and when we were dating, the rough idea of Catholic sex was “it’s a sin before marriage” and “a sin to hold back after marriage” We’ve come a long distance and still believe we have some to go.

We’re not looking for opinions on theology, but rather thoughts from those in the same boat. Most every article on “keeping the flame going” usually states there are “other ways” to satisfy each other and remain close.We all know that can’t happen. Has anyone run across some good stuff for us Baby Boomers, Kinda like AARP for Catholics. Even a forum that’s for us “mature” Catholics. West is OK for the younger set, but it sounds as if he hasn’t reached our problem yet so says very little about it. Same with Popcak. Anybody read any "good"mature books lately?? Or gotten help from a Catholic source on this subject that they could share…Thanks
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Has your wife seen a gynecologist that has a specializes in the care of the post-menopausal woman? Sometimes it takes seeing a physician other than her internist, family practice doctor, or regular gynecologist to get to the root of what’s causing the pain. Creams don’t have to be hormonal in nature (hence I saw your comment about using an estrogen replacement/cancer concern). I’m at the age, too and very wary of estrogen replacements. Sometimes, us old gals find that organs aren’t always in the same place we had them in our youth- especially if she’s had more than a couple of children. Prolapses of several organs can occur and are painful, but easily remedied with an outpatient surgery. I would have her further look into a medical cause and hopefully someone on here can provide you with some suggestions for “mature” Catholic marriage books 🙂
 
LightBound said:
Has your wife seen a gynecologist that has a specializes in the care of the post-menopausal woman? Sometimes it takes seeing a physician other than her internist, family practice doctor, or regular gynecologist to get to the root of what’s causing the pain. Creams don’t have to be hormonal in nature (hence I saw your comment about using an estrogen replacement/cancer concern). I’m at the age, too and very wary of estrogen replacements. Sometimes, us old gals find that organs aren’t always in the same place we had them in our youth- especially if she’s had more than a couple of children. Prolapses of several organs can occur and are painful, but easily remedied with an outpatient surgery. I would have her further look into a medical cause and hopefully someone on here can provide you with some suggestions for “mature” Catholic marriage books 🙂
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No, she hasn’t, and thank you for the suggestion. Just her regular gynecologist who said try more lubrication and we haven’t found anything that even begins to help. Best thing so far was coconut oil, but since it’s not water based, we’re leery about yeast infections. Surely don’t need further problems :o
 
I would say to extend “everything else” as long as possible before actual intercourse. Make sure you are very ready and all systems are go. If things are taking too long, then stop, for everyone’s sake, and resume the mission when everyone is ready again, and that might be the next night. It takes awareness of the problem and a lot of work. Sometimes I wish God would just take away our sex drives when our physical organs start to atrophy, but that doesn’t seem to happen, so…🤷 We struggle on…

At least you are aware that you aren’t 20 any more. My husband wants to pretend that he is…😦
 
The reality of delayed ejaculation simply seems to be a completely ignored sexual problem. Everyone addresses the morality around the issue of premature ejaculation, but never delayed.

My husband and I have struggled with similiar issues. We spent a great deal of time following the letter of the law while ignoring how sexuality works and how putting the sort of pressure to perform the “right way” exaterbates sexual dysfunctions in multiple ways. I read a lot of material and did a lot of praying by the time I realized that there is a moral difference between thwarting the reproductive function of sex and having things malfunction against your will.

It took me awhile to ask my priest with updated information about this because the first time I brought it up he felt disqualified to answer and gave me his best guess which was very restrictive. I was afraid of being caught back in feeling morally trapped. Finally I got the courage to ask him again and explained the total moral delemna we found ourselves in and how an obsessive focus on the “right way” exasterbates the problem and goes against a lot of treatment programs to help with issues like this. The priest agreed with me and thankfully that settled the issue.

I would recommend that you become very informed about your sexual dysfunction. Your priest will not be able to guide you morally without this information. He’s not a doctor. He has not studied sexual dysfunction and he has not experienced your difficulties. As such he’ll be better able to spiritually guide you when he understands the medical specifics.
 
Aside from medical solutions, I would encourage you to understand your medical condition really well and to discuss the psychological componants in the confessional. Delayed ejaculation is not a problem solely with older men, nor is painful intercourse for women. My husband and I have been dealing with such issues. Putting psychological pressures exasterbates problems like these. If you want to sexually function as best as you can, you cannot put moral imparitives on your body. You simply have to let things happen as they will and surrender to it. There is a great difference between thwarting the reproductive function and dysfunction.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I would say to extend “everything else” as long as possible before actual intercourse. Make sure you are very ready and all systems are go. If things are taking too long, then stop, for everyone’s sake, and resume the mission when everyone is ready again, and that might be the next night. It takes awareness of the problem and a lot of work. Sometimes I wish God would just take away our sex drives when our physical organs start to atrophy, but that doesn’t seem to happen, so…🤷 We struggle on…

At least you are aware that you aren’t 20 any more. My husband wants to pretend that he is…😦
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This is a common problem and the above advice is good, we use a KY product that has a strong smell of strawberry and chocolate(I am mentioning this because I don’t know the exact name). But like the above poster states(atleast this is what I think she is saying as this is a sensitive area to detail), take care of your wifes needs, and then get busy in a timely fashion so that the lubracant is useful. I am sure that you will find a solution to this as it is a very common problem. It sounds as though she has ruled out any medical problems since it is the dr. that suggested the lubricants. As far as non sexual ways to increase your intamacy I would look in to what is suggested for couples who use NFP and are abstaining. It has been so long since I have had that class I don’t remember!! Another great thing about aging!! Praying for a resolution for you and your dear wife.
 
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