Painful Lonliness!

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I feel compelled to remind you, and other celibates out there, not to have an overly romantic view of marriage and intimacy. Frankly, marriage does not guarantee intimacy, and there as many lonely people with spouses as without. Loneliness is experienced as a negative emotion when one is in a state of discomfort any time one is forced to spend time alone, with only oneself for company.

An individual is not a good candidate for marriage until he or she is self-reliant, has arrived at a state of self-love, self-knowledge and self-acceptance (as in Jesus’ command to love your neighbor as yourself, implying we must love ourselves because God loves us). If you can’t be totally you alone, you cannot be present fully in sacrificial love to another person.

If a person is trapped in a negative melancholic state because of being alone, the problem is within you, and has its root in self-knowledge and your relationship with God. Hooking up is not going to help you until you deal with root causes. A true Ignatian 30 day retreat with the Spiritual Exercises is strongly recommended to achieve that level of self-knowledge. Daily prayer before the Eucharist leads to proper relationship with God.

Although these comments are meant to be general, not personal to Mis, I would not speak so frankly if I did not know you are mature enough to evaluate my comments and see if they apply to you personally.
 
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puzzleannie:
I feel compelled to remind you, and other celibates out there, not to have an overly romantic view of marriage and intimacy. Frankly, marriage does not guarantee intimacy, and there as many lonely people with spouses as without. Loneliness is experienced as a negative emotion when one is in a state of discomfort any time one is forced to spend time alone, with only oneself for company.

An individual is not a good candidate for marriage until he or she is self-reliant, has arrived at a state of self-love, self-knowledge and self-acceptance (as in Jesus’ command to love your neighbor as yourself, implying we must love ourselves because God loves us). If you can’t be totally you alone, you cannot be present fully in sacrificial love to another person.

If a person is trapped in a negative melancholic state because of being alone, the problem is within you, and has its root in self-knowledge and your relationship with God. Hooking up is not going to help you until you deal with root causes. A true Ignatian 30 day retreat with the Spiritual Exercises is strongly recommended to achieve that level of self-knowledge. Daily prayer before the Eucharist leads to proper relationship with God.

Although these comments are meant to be general, not personal to Mis, I would not speak so frankly if I did not know you are mature enough to evaluate my comments and see if they apply to you personally.
Dear PuzzleAnnie,
But then, soon football season will be over, right??? 😃
 
i just noticed that this coming sunday, jan 16th, on EWTN, Fr. Benedict Groschel will be discussing the topic of lonliness. maybe you could tune into that. he is a wise man. i think that airs on sunday evenings…6PM central time.

any time you air your true feelings you are likely to find someone who experiences the same thing as you. my prayers are with you. i am praying that God will guide you in the right direction, and that His voice will be loud and clear to you.
 
I have suffered with this - and still do to a lesser degree on a daily basis.
Why to a lesser degree now? Nothing outwardly has changed in my life but this past year I decided to spend as much time in front of the Blessed Sacrament as possible and seek God out as my sole source of joy, happiness, and peace. It was a conscious decision I had to make.

I also felt that if I did nothing, I could go round and round like this for quite a while, but eventually I would need to put in the work and the time to get back to God.

To this end, I have refocused everything in my life. Where I spend my time, who I spend my time with, what my hobbies are, and what I watch on TV and read. I ( with God’s assistance) pruned everything - friends, TV, who I ate lunch with at work, etc. I describe myself lately as “cloistered” because all my free time is set in prayer.

I was emotionally sick and needed some heavy spiritual meds. So I engrossed my life in Christ and got a good, heavy solid dose of God. Now I’m an addict. When you are physically sick, you would imediately seek a physician. Why don’t you do that in your spiritual life?

I guess only you can decide how drastic you need to change things in your life. How much spiritual medication you need.

Maybe what I did is drastic for some. I couldn’t say. But in my life? I praise God everyday for the gift of peace and joy in my life now. I am not lonely - and I wouldn’t describe it as loneliness anymore. I have come to realize this is just where God wants me to be right now - not dating, not relying on others, but just placing myself with Him.

As LaChiara mentions, you are responsible for your happiness - and your happiness is ONLY going to come from the Lord. So what are you going to do to get closer to God? Are you fasting, praying and casting your worries as you should? Those are the things that you may need to consider.
 
Mis ~

My advice is this, and it comes from my own experience:
You are experiencing emotions and needs that are very powerful - and it is your notion that another person [woman] may be the cure.
Be very cautious. You may indeed be right that you are called to the vocation of marraige. My caution is this; if you go in to a relationship expecting this great need will be cured - you may be putting a great expectation on someone that could be unreasonable.
God alone is the answer to our greatest needs. When we can say “Whatever You choose Lord” and, “You fulfill my every need” - often this is when that person will show up, or you have discovered that you are happier as a single person.
I am married now. But before this, I was in a relationship that was very selfish- and was motivated by personal fulfillment.
I hope you have a good spiritual director to guide you.
Good luck to you.
 
Mis,

A lot of good advice here. Especially about finding soemone to take care of your needs. That is not what marriage is all about. It is about holding hands and both looking forward (to God hopefully). Nonetheless, we are human and most of us do marry someone to fulfill our needs.

I have been married for 31 years this year. My husband is a very loyal man throughout 20 years of suffering wirh Crohn’s disease. He has stood by me like no one else could. I thank God for that and he is a blessing in more ways than not.

I do feel we are growing apart also in so many ways. He lost his mom at 12 years old and his dad married the town ****. The kids were ignored and he has built a wall as high as the sky. I have asked him just a little while ago when would his walls go away…he said never!

So that leaves me alone a lot of the times. Whether going to Church, or to my friends’…I go alone. He has a bout of flu that he has tried to beat for the past month but hasn’t truly succeeded yet and so on New Year’s New Eve, he announces that we will not go to my brother’s as planned. He announced I could go with our grandchild but he was staying home. On New Year’s Eve! Again I went alone…It seems he is reclusing himself more and more. He watched a lot of TV before but it is more prominent now. I know he has a slight depression going on. My bathroom upstairs has been torn apart since August and he hasn’t done anything about it yet. He was off work all of the summer…

The slight depression just pronounces the loliness as this is deepening more as time goes on. B eing lonely just doesn’t come with being single. Being married and lonely is TWICE as lonely.

But I shall pray for you as I know you will pray for me.

Loving ya!
Shoshana
 
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misericordie:
Hello all. I at times feel so alone becuase I have not found my soul mate: a decent woman, which will eventually be my wife. I am 34 years old. Today I was really hurting inside, and was thinking that I really do not want to be alone in life without a companion. I felt liking breaking down to weep, this deep pain inside.
Has anyone felt this way?? Advice???😦 .
Thanks.
Find yourself a Catholic Singles ministry (not a dating service). I recommend CFC-Singles For Christ. My question for you, what are you looking for, a soul mate or to do God’s will?
 
I can sympathize. I am unemployed and lost the one I love because of my inability to get a job.
 
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WhiteDove:
Dear PuzzleAnnie,
But then, soon football season will be over, right??? 😃
March Madness
Baseball
World Series
then it all starts again
ESPN has ruined more marriages than fast women and good likker combined.
 
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Catholic29:
I feel just as you do, and am praying for a woman to share my life with as well. You are not alone in your struggle.:crying:
Hi all!!! miscordie, and Catholic 29:

Go ahead and cry, BUT don’t feel sorry for yourself either, O.K.? There are so many more women looking for mates than men in this world!!! Just think once you do get married, there goes your freedom, your wallet, and once the kids start coming along, your sanity!!! God’s timing is always perfect you know----just pray and *try *to thank him ahead of time for the woman He’s picked out for you, in His timing, or women reading this, the man He’s hand-picked for you.

I felt as you do when I turned 30, thinking life had passed me by, for I was still single–the only one amongst my huge family, though I was a professional woman–I had a huge gap of lonliness too. Then I meditated on the verse: “Commit your works to the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”. Proverbs ______ (forget exactly) I said: “Lord YOU know I want to get married and have a family, but I want to serve You more. If it’s what you want for me, I trust You completely. If I should remain single, I will still Love and Serve You no matter what”. You know what? Voila!!! 5 days later I met my husband to be. I had not expected it in the least.

“Trust in the Lord will all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5 Single or married my friends. Trust God
 
Hi, Mis,

There’s lots of very good spiritual advice here, so I’m going to add my two cents on the practical side.

It’s quite true that you shouldn’t go “looking” for a spouse; however, it’s important to be involved socially, at church, and with other young adults. I met my husband at Church when we were signing up together for an activity, and every boyfriend I ever had in my dating years I met as part of a social gathering, organization, group, etc.

Get involved in something you love, something you’re passionate and committed about; besides providing an enormous sense of fulfillment,your enthusiasm over the work will radiate outward. (Many here have suggested volunteer work. It’s a wonferful cure for self pity, and I must admit that during the years I volunteered at a local homeless shelter, I was asked out at least once a week).
Don’t do it for the attention, obviously, but know that when you center your life around others, and do so with joy, you can inspire people tremendously.

Finally: are you being the kind of person you’d want to date? I’m sure you’re a good Catholic; are you also a good listener with a healthy sense of humor? Are your moral values accompanied by compassion, understanding and the ability to dialogue without judgementalism? Are you someone who does what they love, and loves what they do? Do you take care with your physical appearance? (i.e. neat and clean.) Ask family or friends, if you can stomach it, what annoys or frustrates them about your behavior or personality. Nine times out of ten, they will identify traits that would turn off a future spouse. Try to work on any areas they mention that ring true. Finally, do you know how to have fun? Simple childlike fun? Someone who doesn’t take themself too seriously (as long as he’s a responsible adult) can be so attractive.

My very best wishes!
 
My husband, who is the love of my life and my soulmate, was thirty-four when we met. I was twenty-eight. Before I met him, I had started thinking that kind, intelligent, devout Catholic men – eligible to be married in the Church - no longer existed. I honestly wondered if God was calling me to remain single.

I finally went to God, in prayer, and said, “Okay, Lord. If you want me to be single, I’ll be single. If you want me to be married, I’ll marry. Whatever it is, just make it clear to me.” It was shortly after this that I met my husband and it was clear that God had been preparing us for each other all those years.

Speak with God about this. Ask St. Joseph for help, too. I’m sure you’ll soon find that God will show you what He wants for you.
 
I felt the same way my first two years of college, but then I discovered that right now that is what God is calling me to do. Try to fill your spare time with either sports, the arts, or the church; it has worked for me.
 
Thanks all for the great advice. Sincerely, I take all this advice to heart.🙂
 
Church Militant:
As the old Bob Dylan song says…“Ah but I may as well try and catch the wind”
ah, but wasn’t that by Donovan Leitch, who was a British knock-off of Dylan who went on to record “Sunshine Superman” and “Mellow Yellow”. “Catch the Wind” is a nice song though - I really identified with it during my long single period.

I will second those who say that you may find someone when you least expect it, where you’re not looking… it happened to me. I am firmly of the opinion that my long, lonely period when I could never seem to find someone suitable (and similarly for my now-fiancee) was God’s way of keeping each of us safe and pure until we were ready to meet each other.

Something else I might recommend is a good spiritual director to talk about these things with. Either a good priest or a good and holy married person - each will have different insights.
 
Bobby Jim:
ah, but wasn’t that by Donovan Leitch, who was a British knock-off of Dylan who went on to record “Sunshine Superman” and “Mellow Yellow”. “Catch the Wind” is a nice song though - I really identified with it during my long single period.

I will second those who say that you may find someone when you least expect it, where you’re not looking… it happened to me. I am firmly of the opinion that my long, lonely period when I could never seem to find someone suitable (and similarly for my now-fiancee) was God’s way of keeping each of us safe and pure until we were ready to meet each other.

Something else I might recommend is a good spiritual director to talk about these things with. Either a good priest or a good and holy married person - each will have different insights.
Thanks.
 
Elizabeth B.:
My husband, who is the love of my life and my soulmate, was thirty-four when we met. I was twenty-eight. Before I met him, I had started thinking that kind, intelligent, devout Catholic men – eligible to be married in the Church - no longer existed. I honestly wondered if God was calling me to remain single.

I finally went to God, in prayer, and said, “Okay, Lord. If you want me to be single, I’ll be single. If you want me to be married, I’ll marry. Whatever it is, just make it clear to me.” It was shortly after this that I met my husband and it was clear that God had been preparing us for each other all those years.

Speak with God about this. Ask St. Joseph for help, too. I’m sure you’ll soon find that God will show you what He wants for you.
Great advice, thanks.
 
Acckkk I feel much the same way. Even when I do find someone it seems she is never intrested. There are many times of disapointment. It seems it’d be nice, to be married and to be a parent. Tough times, or course, but it seems you’d be doing something good in another persons life. At times I just feel dispensable and not need.

I think its good to as said before avoid alcohol and things like that, which seem fun but end up awfully empty. Do your best to avoid impure thoughts. As saturated as this culture is in that, I wonder how many single men, if not everyone else, have to deal with that. It can be a real struggle for me. The impure thoughts never help, they make you desire something that will always end up empty. You start looking at other people as objects to consume and not as someone to love and will love you back.

I guess the best thing and helped much for me first is to go to daily Mass, go to the Blessed Sacrament, and pray to the saints to help. Hopefully you will go closer to Jesus the one who leads you to that true unity you want. Remember your Blessed Mother would love to be able to console you. The saints can intercede for you and give you insperation to follow in their ways.

Next do whatever you can do to increase good relationships with people. You can meet all kinds of people at daily Mass. Also meet people that are you peers, old people, children. If your shy, hang out enough you’ll eventually warm up. Plus there are all kinds of people out there who are lonely, when you help feel their need they will send you off with so many blessings.

Hopefully all this will help you increase the love you have. If your called to marriage eventually you’ll stumble upon someone, I’m sure. In having increased your ability to love, you’ll be even more attractive someone who you’d want to marry. Plus with the security of not worring about loneliness, it’ll give you even more freedom to love you wife.

As God said to Eve, “Your desire shall be for your husband and he shall be your master.” If your desire is too much for looking for a wife, or even trying to keep from being lonely as a married person, that will be the master of you. Do your best to work on that, cause I think the only worse thing than being single and lonely is being married and lonely.

Pray and care for others. Read some of what Blessed Mother Therese has said too too. I’ll pray for you, please you for me too.
 
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jman507:
Acckkk I feel much the same way. Even when I do find someone it seems she is never intrested. There are many times of disapointment. It seems it’d be nice, to be married and to be a parent. Tough times, or course, but it seems you’d be doing something good in another persons life. At times I just feel dispensable and not need.

I think its good to as said before avoid alcohol and things like that, which seem fun but end up awfully empty. Do your best to avoid impure thoughts. As saturated as this culture is in that, I wonder how many single men, if not everyone else, have to deal with that. It can be a real struggle for me. The impure thoughts never help, they make you desire something that will always end up empty. You start looking at other people as objects to consume and not as someone to love and will love you back.

I guess the best thing and helped much for me first is to go to daily Mass, go to the Blessed Sacrament, and pray to the saints to help. Hopefully you will go closer to Jesus the one who leads you to that true unity you want. Remember your Blessed Mother would love to be able to console you. The saints can intercede for you and give you insperation to follow in their ways.

Next do whatever you can do to increase good relationships with people. You can meet all kinds of people at daily Mass. Also meet people that are you peers, old people, children. If your shy, hang out enough you’ll eventually warm up. Plus there are all kinds of people out there who are lonely, when you help feel their need they will send you off with so many blessings.

Hopefully all this will help you increase the love you have. If your called to marriage eventually you’ll stumble upon someone, I’m sure. In having increased your ability to love, you’ll be even more attractive someone who you’d want to marry. Plus with the security of not worring about loneliness, it’ll give you even more freedom to love you wife.

As God said to Eve, “Your desire shall be for your husband and he shall be your master.” If your desire is too much for looking for a wife, or even trying to keep from being lonely as a married person, that will be the master of you. Do your best to work on that, cause I think the only worse thing than being single and lonely is being married and lonely.

Pray and care for others. Read some of what Blessed Mother Therese has said too too. I’ll pray for you, please you for me too.
Thank you, sincerely for the great advice.
 
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