Painful touch!

[missme22]

Another issue that I’ve had is that my mom is a very devout Catholic and is not supportive at all. She knows all the things that have transpired and she pleaded with me to stay with my husband. She thinks that I will end up divorced and getting remarried and thinks I will go to Hell for it.

What’s tough is that my Mom is very similar to my husband. In fact I determined through therapy that I basically married my mother. She is always the victim (although not the angry type). She acts weak and needs to be rescued out of her stupid mistakes. Apparently I like to “mother” in my marriage. Not necessarily “like” to … But I have taken that role.

It was a very interesting and disturbing revelation.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I admit I have moments of fear and panic. I am so scared to pull the trigger so to speak, but I need to because I lose momentum.

This morning I told my husband that I needed to be working 12 hour shifts a bit next week because of a deadline. He got angry. He began telling me that I need to begin complaining to my boss to reduce my workload. I said I can’t! I have to be appreciated at work and needed… So I don’t get pushed out. He was just flat out angry at me for working do hard without time off.

Oh, boy, I can relate to that! My exh being rude to my boss, getting mad at me for working too hard. (I had gotten a parttime job when my youngest started kindergarten)

I hadn’t had a real job in 10 years. It was so hard to find a job. We lived in my sister’s attic. It was so hard not to be at home when my kids came home from school.

It’s very, very hard to pull the trigger. I panicked and put it off too. Even afterward, when I and my children were safe at my sister’s, I was so homesick, I wanted to go back!!! It was so hard, but put your trust in God. That’s the only way I could handle it.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Another issue that I’ve had is that my mom is a very devout Catholic and is not supportive at all. She knows all the things that have transpired and she pleaded with me to stay with my husband. She thinks that I will end up divorced and getting remarried and thinks I will go to Hell for it.

What’s tough is that my Mom is very similar to my husband. In fact I determined through therapy that **I basically married my mother. **She is always the victim (although not the angry type). She acts weak and needs to be rescued out of her stupid mistakes. Apparently I like to “mother” in my marriage. Not necessarily “like” to … But I have taken that role.

It was a very interesting and disturbing revelation.

Bingo, my exh and my mom too. Critical parent.

I never remarried. You don’t need to be married to be fulfilled. You have a son and your job, and GOD!!!

I still have my doubts, “I could have done this, or that” Or I quite trying. Reading your story only reinforces I did the right thing.

Praying for you to put your trust in God.

 

[missme22]

Thank you for sharing your story! I’m grateful. My I ask why you question leaving…?

I have come to the conclusion that I (all of us) will make a change when we feel enough PAIN. It needs to feel better to leave… Than to stay. And in my opinion it is hard to keep focused on the pain when the behavior improves.

What I always find so fascinating are the people who can leave because their sex life isn’t good enough or the spouse is lazy or a leach (like mine). It is just not as easy for me as others… I am too forgiving. But thanks to all of you I’m realizing my constant forgiveness is dangerous. I’m losing myself in the process.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Thank you for sharing your story! I’m grateful. My I ask why you question leaving…?

Maybe he would have changed had I been patient enough. Maybe if I just had had dinner on the table at 6:00 PM sharp he wouldn’t have gotten so mad and stormed out of the house. Maybe if I just got all the laundry done by the time he got home, he wouldn’t be so mad about me folding it in front of the TV at night. (I used cloth diapers). Maybe I should have given him one more chance to go to counseling. (After he promised over and over again, said he was going, but never went, which I found out from the therapist). The list goes on.

missme22:

I have come to the conclusion that I (all of us) will make a change when we feel enough PAIN. It needs to feel better to leave… Than to stay. And in my opinion it is hard to keep focused on the pain when the behavior improves.

Yes, it does for a while, but then it comes back. I call it crazy-making.

missme22:

What I always find so fascinating are the people who can leave because their sex life isn’t good enough or the spouse is lazy or a leach (like mine). It is just not as easy for me as others… I am too forgiving. But thanks to all of you I’m realizing my constant forgiveness is dangerous. I’m losing myself in the process.

One day exh was screaming at me (never hit me, that would have made it easier to prove abuse) in front of my five year old, she said, “Daddy, please stop screaming at Mommy.” He shoved her out of the way and continued screaming at me. That was the final straw. I did not want my daughter to marry a someone like him because that’s the kind of behavior he exhibited as “normal.” I did not want my son to treat his wife that way because that’s the kind of behavior his dad modeled as normal.

Today my son is 24 and my daughter is 21. My son is a very kind, gentle person. He doesn’t scream or yell, because he said, “I don’t want to be miserable like Dad.”

My daughter doesn’t really date, she goes out with groups of friends. She studies hard. She is a beautiful, good looking girl and very smart. She could date any guy she wanted, but she is not interested in a relationship right now. (Sex, etc,.) She says she’ll date when she’s ready to get married!!!

Meantime, exh is on his third marriage after me. His wife is on her fourth marriage. ha ha She is just like him, according to my kids. Manipulative, self-absorbed. He finally met his match.

God bless you.

 

[missme22]

I’m sorry for the pain you experienced, but I’m grateful that you shared your story with me.

It’s very interesting you mentioned your kids and how you want to protect them. When I was young I begged my mom to leave my dad. I even recruited my aunt to take us on a girls weekend … So we could tell her that she needed to be happier. Mom and dad were always fighting and mom was ALWAYS crying. She never left but later in life (recently) … After dad died BLAMED ME for trying to separate her from the love of her life. She thought then and apparently still… That I was terrible for suggesting she leave. My dad wasn’t all that voilent but he makes my husband look like a God send … And that is why I’m so screwed up now. I see my situation FAR better than my childhood. It screws with your head.

I’m really happy you had the courage. You are inspiring me to look at my situation much differently.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I’m sorry for the pain you experienced, but I’m grateful that you shared your story with me.

It’s very interesting you mentioned your kids and how you want to protect them. When I was young I begged my mom to leave my dad. I even recruited my aunt to take us on a girls weekend … So we could tell her that she needed to be happier. Mom and dad were always fighting and mom was ALWAYS crying. She never left but later in life (recently) … After dad died BLAMED ME for trying to separate her from the love of her life. She thought then and apparently still… That I was terrible for suggesting she leave. My dad wasn’t all that voilent but he makes my husband look like a God send … And that is why I’m so screwed up now. I see my situation FAR better than my childhood. It screws with your head.

I’m really happy you had the courage. You are inspiring me to look at my situation much differently.

It’s very very hard. You have a job and a beautiful son. Keep up the therapy.

Talk to you soon.

 

[cviolette]

I’m sorry for the pain you experienced, but I’m grateful that you shared your story with me.

It’s very interesting you mentioned your kids and how you want to protect them. When I was young I begged my mom to leave my dad. I even recruited my aunt to take us on a girls weekend … So we could tell her that she needed to be happier. Mom and dad were always fighting and mom was ALWAYS crying. She never left but later in life (recently) … After dad died BLAMED ME for trying to separate her from the love of her life. She thought then and apparently still… That I was terrible for suggesting she leave. My dad wasn’t all that voilent but he makes my husband look like a God send … And that is why I’m so screwed up now. I see my situation FAR better than my childhood. It screws with your head.

I’m really happy you had the courage. You are inspiring me to look at my situation much differently.

I can relate to this.

My father was an abusive alcoholic. Physically and mentally abusive to my brothers but mostly emotional abuse with the girls. I use to pray that my mom would leave my dad. I use to day dream about my mom divorcing him and remarrying. I could have a real dad.

I turned to sex, alcohol and drugs to escape my childhood and to forget my sexual abuse. I quit drinking at 17. Just occasionally got drunk but still suffered from blackouts when drinking so I don’t drink at all now.

I hand picked my husband to be the opposite of my dad. 20 years later, I realized that I married someone exactly like my dad. Only difference is that he is not a drunk so he is better at it.

Sad or funny, but two of my siblings mentioned in the last year that I married dad. And that is not a compliment.

I married someone that never yelled, never swore, never drunk, never lost his temper and seemed good with children. He is a cold man. And things have taken a turn for the worse so now he swears at me. He uses the F word. Shows me zero affection except for sex. Never compliments. Never says he is sorry. Blames me for his mistakes. He even has me believing that it is my fault. It was a tough thing for me to face. He can’t be that bad. He never hit me. It took therapy and spiritual direction to realize just how messed up I am. And how wrong things are in my marriage. That I am treated like his property and not his wife. It sometimes takes someone outside the marriage to open your eyes when you have lived with abuse all your life. You become so use to be used and abused that you just think that is normal.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I can relate to this.

My father was an abusive alcoholic. Physically and mentally abusive to my brothers but mostly emotional abuse with the girls. I use to pray that my mom would leave my dad. I use to day dream about my mom divorcing him and remarrying. I could have a real dad.

I turned to sex, alcohol and drugs to escape my childhood and to forget my sexual abuse. I quit drinking at 17. Just occasionally got drunk but still suffered from blackouts when drinking so I don’t drink at all now.

I hand picked my husband to be the opposite of my dad. 20 years later, I realized that I married someone exactly like my dad. Only difference is that he is not a drunk so he is better at it.

Sad or funny, but two of my siblings mentioned in the last year that I married dad. And that is not a compliment.

I married someone that never yelled, never swore, never drunk, never lost his temper and seemed good with children. He is a cold man. And things have taken a turn for the worse so now he swears at me. He uses the F word. Shows me zero affection except for sex. Never compliments. Never says he is sorry. Blames me for his mistakes. He even has me believing that it is my fault. It was a tough thing for me to face. He can’t be that bad. He never hit me. It took therapy and spiritual direction to realize just how messed up I am. And how wrong things are in my marriage. That I am treated like his property and not his wife. It sometimes takes someone outside the marriage to open your eyes when you have lived with abuse all your life. You become so use to be used and abused that you just think that is normal.

I hated the swearing. EXH was in the merchant marine, so you can imagine the colorful “language” which magically appeared after we had been married for one year. We were brought up not to used bad language, we weren’t allowed to say shut up, darn, (substituted for "dam*) gosh (God), etc. You can imagine when the f-word and worse started being used against me. When the children came along, he didn’t stop, although I begged him not to. It’s shocking to me that a father would used words like that in front of his young children.

Are you staying in your marriage?

 

[cviolette]

I hated the swearing. EXH was in the merchant marine, so you can imagine the colorful “language” which magically appeared after we had been married for one year. We were brought up not to used bad language, we weren’t allowed to say shut up, darn, (substituted for "dam*) gosh (God), etc. You can imagine when the f-word and worse started being used against me. When the children came along, he didn’t stop, although I begged him not to. It’s shocking to me that a father would used words like that in front of his young children.

Are you staying in your marriage?

I get very mad when he swears in front of the kids.

My dad swore at me all the time. I just can not handling yelling or swearing. My husband just got a huge raise at work so he is happier. Thank helps. He doesn’t have as much anger.

I will eventually divorce. The kids are happy. I want them to have one more year. Then I will have two in college and two at home. I did stop working on the marriage. It was turning me into a basket case. It is much easier now that I have built walls and know that what he thinks, says and does has nothing to do with me.

I have to say that sometimes this website confuses me. It gets me thinking that I am cruel for divorcing my husband. That I will destroy my kids. That I am selfish because I don’t want to be a martyr. But you know what I realize. My kids love me and will understand. I have been their buffer with their dad but they are not stupid.

 

[Catholic90]

I get very mad when he swears in front of the kids.

My dad swore at me all the time. I just can not handling yelling or swearing. My husband just got a huge raise at work so he is happier. Thank helps. He doesn’t have as much anger.

I will eventually divorce. The kids are happy. I want them to have one more year. Then I will have two in college and two at home. I did stop working on the marriage. It was turning me into a basket case. It is much easier now that I have built walls and know that what he thinks, says and does has nothing to do with me.

I have to say that sometimes this website confuses me. It gets me thinking that I am cruel for divorcing my husband. That I will destroy my kids. That I am selfish because I don’t want to be a martyr. But you know what I realize. My kids love me and will understand. I have been their buffer with their dad but they are not stupid.

Kids are very smart.

My kids are happier since their dad died. He was very hard on them and swore like a sailor at them.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I get very mad when he swears in front of the kids.

My dad swore at me all the time. I just can not handling yelling or swearing. My husband just got a huge raise at work so he is happier. Thank helps. He doesn’t have as much anger.

I will eventually divorce. The kids are happy. I want them to have one more year. Then I will have two in college and two at home. I did stop working on the marriage. It was turning me into a basket case. It is much easier now that I have built walls and know that what he thinks, says and does has nothing to do with me.

I have to say that sometimes this website confuses me. It gets me thinking that I am cruel for divorcing my husband. That I will destroy my kids. That I am selfish because I don’t want to be a martyr. But you know what I realize. My kids love me and will understand. I have been their buffer with their dad but they are not stupid.

I just wondered if you plan to go for full custody of your kids who will still be at home?

 

[qui_est_ce]

I get very mad when he swears in front of the kids.

My dad swore at me all the time. I just can not handling yelling or swearing. My husband just got a huge raise at work so he is happier. Thank helps. He doesn’t have as much anger.

I will eventually divorce. The kids are happy. I want them to have one more year. Then I will have two in college and two at home. I did stop working on the marriage. It was turning me into a basket case. It is much easier now that I have built walls and know that what he thinks, says and does has nothing to do with me.

I have to say that sometimes this website confuses me. It gets me thinking that I am cruel for divorcing my husband. That I will destroy my kids. That I am selfish because I don’t want to be a martyr. But you know what I realize. My kids love me and will understand. I have been their buffer with their dad but they are not stupid.

Right, it’s crazy making. I waited till my youngest was in kindergarten because I didn’t want to put them in day care.

 

[cviolette]

I just wondered if you plan to go for full custody of your kids who will still be at home?

I think in my state if you are older than 12, the child can decide where they want to live.

I would like to have full custody but will not move far away with the kids. My husband could see them whenever he wanted. My son will be driving so he could visit whenever he wants.

The two youngest are very attached to me. I doubt they would want to live with their dad but I will listen to their (name removed by moderator)ut and do what is best for the kids.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I think in my state if you are older than 12, the child can decide where they want to live.

I would like to have full custody but will not move far away with the kids. My husband could see them whenever he wanted. My son will be driving so he could visit whenever he wants.

The two youngest are very attached to me. I doubt they would want to live with their dad but I will listen to their (name removed by moderator)ut and do what is best for the kids.

My kids used to threaten me with moving in with their dad when they turned 14, as the law allowed it. They would do this every time I denied them something or punished them. I told them in no way were they going to do this, no matter what a judges says. I told them I was their mom and no one would ever love them more than their mom. In my opinion, staying with me, near their grandmother, aunts and uncles, and cousins provided a much stabler home than living with their dad.

Well, they turned 14, and no way were they going to leave their home and friends to live with their dad, his wife, and her two kids.