Panic Disorder and my Pagan Best Friend

[tabsie3210]

Okay, I’ll make this brief:

I have Panic/Anxiety disorder that’s been putting me through the blender since last week when I switched off of one anti-depressant (Effexor) with BAD side effects and onto one that I liked using before.

Every time I have a panic attack - and when I say attack, I don’t mean it’s a one-time thing; I mean it lasts several days at the very least - I become fixated on something and it won’t leave me in peace AT ALL.

Right now I’m fixated on my best friend. This has happened before.

She’s Pagan, I don’t know what kind. It seems to be a religion consisting of herself and that’s about it.

In 2010, when my father was dying of cancer, she had a bad car wreck and was on disability, so she was able to be here at the house almost every day. Meanwhile, I was out of work, and my Mom took time off from work. Daddy had repented his sins, been forgiven, could take communion, etc. When Daddy died, Karen and another friend (a Wiccan whom I’m not as close to) were both here saying the Our Father with me and my priest as we prayed for his soul.

Karen has helped me get to and from Mass, taken me to confession when I couldn’t drive myself, and never performs any kinds of rituals or anything. I’ve got Crucifixes in my home and she doesn’t complain or say a word. She doesn’t try to affect my beliefs. Her exact words to me were, “I just want you to be happy in yourself!”

When I’m not having panic attacks, this is what I do - pray for her conversion and for my own deeper conversion; pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy (yes, I know, I don’t pray it daily like I’m supposed to, but that has more to do with me and some issues I have with myself - I’m not as strong as I need to be). I pray that God protect us both, and I pray for her conversion, even if it’s at the last minute.

I have faith in God, that God never sends anyone to Hell - if someone goes to Hell, it’s because that person CHOOSES to go, not because he or she was arbitrarily sent. And if I’m blessed enough to go to Heaven or Purgatory, I won’t suffer if she isn’t there because I’ll have God to comfort me and I’ll KNOW that she didn’t get punished for no good reason. I’ll KNOW it was her decision.

In times when I’m not having panic attacks, I don’t worry - worrying is wrong. It suggests that 1) I want to be 100% in control of everything, and I’m not, and 2) I don’t have faith in God.

My priest is NOT one of those New-Agey types who thinks we should have women priests or who believes in Universal Salvation. He’s rooted in Catholic truth. And HE tells me I shouldn’t worry. Hell is for people who refuse to be with God, and his favorite thing to tell me, when I start to worry that she may not go to Heaven, is, “YOU DON’T KNOW THAT.” Again, he’s not into universal salvation or anything - he’s telling me that I need to have Faith!

So let’s see - this panic attack started Thursday night, tapered off after I got some sleep, SLAMMED me Friday morning, and hasn’t let up yet. Here it is, Monday at 7 AM Central, and I’m shaking. I’ve had the weirdest sleep pattern - I’ve been dozing to the cartoon movie “Planet 51” all night, waking up, starting it up, drifting off, waking up, watching a little, drift off, wake up, replay it, lather, rinse, repeat.

I’m not rational, I’m not functional, and I’m not in my right mind. I’m obsessing over something that I have no control over in any way!

Heck, G. K. Chesterton’s best friends were people like G. B. Shaw and H. G. Wells - both atheists! Did Chesterton ever freak out, even though he actively disagreed with them? No! He trusted in God and argued happily for Catholicism, and won some of the best debates with them. And they all loved each other and were best friends!

I need to do SOMETHING to get this obsessive terror out of my chest and to focus on reality and rationality again. So I’m blathering here about what’s scaring me and how it’s turning me into a lump of play-doh that can barely function. My eating is shot, my nerves are shot, and I just want to be happy and have faith again.

GAH!!! I bet St. Faustina never had a freak out like this! I bet St. Catherine of Sienna never did, either!

I feel useless and terrified. I’m going to see my doctor today to find out what the heck I can do, and then I’m going to see if I can find my priest, or if not mine, at least one in a nearby parish. I need to figure out how to get through this.

Blah on me for wasting everyone’s time.

Tabbie

 

[rosemarky]

I’m not an expert when it comes to physical, mental or spiritual things, but it sounds to me like you are doing exactly what you should be doing. Faith is not easy to understand so I try not to “overthink” it. Remember the phrase “I believe, help my unbelief”. I can offer you my prayers for stronger faith and allowing God to have His will. God bless.

 

[tabsie3210]

I’m not an expert when it comes to physical, mental or spiritual things, but it sounds to me like you are doing exactly what you should be doing. Faith is not easy to understand so I try not to “overthink” it. Remember the phrase “I believe, help my unbelief”. I can offer you my prayers for stronger faith and allowing God to have His will. God bless.

I believe - Help my unbelief!

That’s the perfect prayer. It’s simple and beautiful and TRUE!

Thank you - your prayers are always welcome. I’ll keep praying to be able to withstand whatever trials I have to face, and to keep having faith.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

…GAH!!! I bet St. Faustina never had a freak out like this! I bet St. Catherine of Sienna never did, either!..

Blah on me for wasting everyone’s time.

Tabbie

I suspect many of the saints did, indeed, have “freak outs.” The more I read the more I am impressed that they had our foibles but it’s how they handled them. Don’t worry about that! Look at all the suffering and doubt Mother Teresa endured! She handled it all so graciously and prayerfully.

And… you are not wasting anyone’s time. We’re here to help one another, sister!

:hug1:

 

[tabsie3210]

I suspect many of the saints did, indeed, have “freak outs.” The more I read the more I am impressed that they had our foibles but it’s how they handled them. Don’t worry about that! Look at all the suffering and doubt Mother Teresa endured! She handled it all so graciously and prayerfully.

And… you are not wasting anyone’s time. We’re here to help one another, sister!

:hug1:

Thank you! I forgot about Mother Teresa. I remember that she had written a bunch of letters, some discussing the hardships and doubts she had. One priest is planning to present them as reasons why he wants her Beatified (I hope I spelled that right) or Sainted.

I totally forgot that doubt and pain have a Christian reason to exist, too.

And a BIG Shout-Out to the moderators! One gave me a link to a helpline that HELPED! The counselor I talked to helped. I don’t know for how long but I’m enjoying it while it lasts!

Ugh. I feel so tired sometimes, but this was a great way to get the fear off my chest and it really helped me plow through this insanity in my head and heart.

Thanks to all of you! I really needed what I got here. :grouphug:

Every one of you who stopped to write on this and my previous post, all of you who sent me private messages… You’re all awesome. Y’all are in my prayers. Thank you so much.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Have you been to your doctor yet? You need support medically to get through this.

I will be praying for your peace of mind.

 

[kmuestwin]

Pray more, worry less.

It’s hard when people we love don’t follow our faith. I am the only practicing Catholic in my immediate family. It is difficult for me to think about them not being in the Church and it is hard for me to go to mass without them. I also have more non-Catholic friends than Catholic ones. (I live deep in the bible belt.) I pray for them and I hope that they will eventually see what I do in the Church that I love. I am hopeful for their conversion but I am also reasonable. I know in my heart of hearts that a conversion will never be won by my persuasion. It all comes from God. The best thing you can do is keep praying for them and being a good example of your faith.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

….I’m going to see my doctor today to find out what the heck I can do, and then I’m going to see if I can find my priest, or if not mine, at least one in a nearby parish. I need to figure out how to get through this.

As someone who suffers from GAD, I cannot stress how important seeing your physician is. If you don’t have a therapist, I’d also recommend this avenue to help you control your anxiety and panic attacks.

Luna

 

[marysdaughter1]

As someone who suffers from GAD, I cannot stress how important seeing your physician is. If you don’t have a therapist, I’d also recommend this avenue to help you control your anxiety and panic attacks.

Luna

I’ll third this advice. I get serious panic attacks, too. Thankfully everything is under control now for the most part.