Parent & Adult Children Relationships

[Pianofish]

Can anyone recommend resources regarding the nature of the relationship between married adult children and their parents? Specifically between wife and her mother and husband and his mother. I’ve found many secular resources and they vary so widely that it’s difficult to discern what the true natural relationship should look like. Is there any Church guidance on this other than to leave and cleave once married?

I’m looking for more detail on how to honor parents while keeping boundaries and putting the marriage relationship first (after God, of course). Here are some questions I have: Are adult children supposed to be friends with their parents? What if spending time together often leads to annoyance instead of enjoyment? Are adult children obligated to spend as much time as possible with their parents? Are they obligated to allow the parents to spend as much time as possible in their home, with grandchildren?

Navigating these new relationships has led to much confusion and I could use some insight. Thank you.

 

[Mamanurse]

Have you looked into trying the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud ? This is for learning about keeping boundaries not only in family, but friendships, work etc.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

www.adultchildren.org

 

[nodito]

This is what the catechism says on the issue:

As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

2218 The fourth commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress. Jesus recalls this duty of gratitude.23

To directly address your questions, I would say that the priorities of the immediate family (one’s spouse and children) come first. So if you need to take a job to support a family that would require your moving far away from your parents, you’re not obligated to turn it down just because it means fewer visits with the grandparents. I think adult children should be friendly and cordial with their parents and show them love and respect, as much as possible. This will look differently if the parents are abusive or alcoholic or particularly manipulative. The adult children also have a (a more pressing) responsibility to protect their own children from negative influences or examples. So now, I don’t think you are required to allow unfettered access to your home or grandchildren, but you do owe your parents respect and gratitude for raising you.

 

[Paganus]

Have you looked into trying the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud ? This is for learning about keeping boundaries not only in family, but friendships, work etc.

This is a good recommendation that speaks well to the needs of the OP.

 

[Anglewannabe]

You need to be more specific because there really is no one set way to handle adult relationships. Some married adults live with their parents and it works out great. Other’s can even have contact with their parents.

There are so many factors involved, one can not give an answer to such a vague question

Angie

 

[JanetF]

You don’t have to be friends, but it’s wonderful when you are.

Having said that, the boundaries established between myself and my mother after I married, were that I never spoke disrespectfully about my husband to her. I never talked to her about problems we were having, because I didn’t want to taint her impression of him. Some subjects were off the table, such as finances and our sex life.

And she never spoke poorly about my dad to me for the same reason, nor did we discuss their sex life.