Parent of a pregnant minor

[Nan_S]

In that case, I encourage the OP, his wife, and his daughter to read “Pure Womanhood” by Krystallina Evert from chastity.com.

Ask yourself this: what has the father done or not done that a fifteen year old would be seeking out sexual attention from anyone? Why would she have been promiscuous? The statistical answer is a lack of feeling wanted, protected, and safe in a family unit, and a lack of appropriate bonding with the male role model in the family. YMMV.

It my very well be that the father has done everything a responsible father should, and that he has a daughter with a rebellious spirit. Just because a daughter is promiscuous does not mean that her parents are careless and irresponsible.

You don’t know this girl and her family. Don’t go trying to heap guilt on them without cause.

One of my own daughters met a boy from an irreligious family with an absentee father. His mother was spoiling him with privileges, a truck she bought for him, and a total lack of supervision. They belonged to no church and he considered God to be foolishness. His mother had even let him quit school and was claiming to homeschool him, although he refused to do schoolwork. My young teen daughter therefore thought that we, her parents, were being overly strict and treating her like a child because we refused to buy her a car, insisted that she attend a Catholic high school, kept her in church, and held her to a curfew. We did our best to balance keeping track of her whereabouts with allowing her to act responsibly.

Our daughter found ways to spend time with this ne’er-do-well despite our best efforts. He started toying with her, he got her hormones fired up, and they also started having sex. Hormones switch on, brain switches off, and her rebellion went ballistic. It did not end well. Fortunately for my daughter she did not get pregnant.

What more could we have done? Talk to her? We did. Ground her? We did. Take her to church? We did. Let her know we love her, we value her chastity, and she should also? We did. She still insisted on learning life’s lessons the hard way. The sex felt so good that she refused to believe this boy was hurting her until she was truly very badly hurt.

The best part, if you can call it that, was that she became an object lesson for her younger sisters on how not to behave.

You can keep your statistics and your book, thank you. Rebellious teens also turn up in the best of families.

 

[Miserissima]

And how DOS

It my very well be that the father has done everything a responsible father should, and that he has a daughter with a rebellious spirit. Just because a daughter is prom does not mean that her parents are careless and irresponsible.

You don’t know this girl and her family. Don’t go trying to heap guilt on them without cause.

One of my own daughters met a boy from an irreligious family with an absentee father. His mother was spoiling him with privileges, a truck she bought for him, and a total lack of supervision. They belonged to no church and he considered God to be foolishness. His mother had even let him quit school and was claiming to homeschool him, although he refused to do schoolwork. My young teen daughter therefore thought that we, her parents, were being overly strict and treating her like a child because we refused to buy her a car, insisted that she attend a Catholic high school, kept her in church, and held her to a curfew. We did our best to balance keeping track of her whereabouts with allowing her to act responsibly.

Our daughter found ways to spend time with this ne’er-do-well despite our best efforts. He started toying with her, he got her hormones fired up, and they also started having sex. Hormones switch on, brain switches off, and her rebellion went ballistic. It did not end well. Fortunately for my daughter she did not get pregnant.

What more could we have done? Talk to her? We did. Ground her? We did. Take her to church? We did. Let her know we love her, we value her chastity, and she should also? We did. She still insisted on learning life’s lessons the hard way. The sex felt so good that she refused to believe this boy was hurting her until she was truly very badly hurt.

The best part, if you can call it that, was that she became an object lesson for her younger sisters on how not to behave.

You can keep your statistics and your book, thank you. Rebellious teens also turn up in the best of families.

Super. HOW did you build trust and start over?

 

[Tantum_ergo]

In that case, I encourage the OP, his wife, and his daughter to read “Pure Womanhood” by Krystallina Evert from chastity.com.

Ask yourself this: what has the father done or not done that a fifteen year old would be seeking out sexual attention from anyone? Why would she have been promiscuous? The statistical answer is a lack of feeling wanted, protected, and safe in a family unit, and a lack of appropriate bonding with the male role model in the family. YMMV.

When you point a finger, three are pointing right back at you, OP.

I’m also concerned that “giving her a lesson” in home economics is more punitive than educational.

The booklet I recommended is 2.50. Try reading into why she felt the desire to be promiscuous. I promise that this honest self evaluation is what will really make or break this family. Start with the “Starting Over” section at chastity.com.

So a 15 year old’s choice to have sex doesn’t have anything to do with her own sex drive, with the culture, with peer pressure, with everything secular from magazines to novels to internet fan fiction celebrating ‘sex’ and ‘choice’. . .

It’s all the DAD’s fault. He ‘didn’t make her feel safe’. He ‘didn’t make her feel valued.’

So her sexual relationships were all his fault.

Heck, I’m a woman and I find that whole idea, to be frank, garbage. Back in the day when I was studying psych and bio, everything wrong in the child was the mother’s fault. If your child was autistic, it was because Mom was ‘cold’. If your child didn’t have social skills, Mom was ‘smothering’. Every problem with a child was the fault of Mom either being (wrongly) overprotective, or 'resentful of society making her stay home with the kids instead of having a career, etc. (Seriously. Check out college texts from the 70s and 80s).

And in the early 2000s, things had moved away somewhat to blame the ‘absent father’, mostly because by then, single parent households were predominantly headed by females. All the problems with sex were not so much because Dad didn’t ‘value’ the child (usually female) but because Dad wasn’t THERE.

So now we’ve gone even further. Now even a father who is right there in the family is the big bugaboo who doesn’t value his child ‘enough’ and thus causes her to run out and have sex to get the kind of approval HE didn’t give her.

No wonder we have a culture where parents can’t be parents. No matter **what you do, anything your child does wrong will be YOUR fault.

**Of course, if your minor child does something ‘right’, it will be completely the child’s own doing. It’s only wrong things that are totally parent-caused and related.

 

[Nan_S]

Super. HOW did you build trust and start over?

His mother got transferred to another city and the boy went with her.

Hormones switch off, brain switches back on. When their only communication was over the phone, and he was no longer able to stir her hormones with fondling and sex, she started to realize that he was the whiny, shiftless, irresponsible loser we had seen all along. Sudden recognition that after two years of giving him her total faith and trust, she had nothing to show for it and he was no closer to getting his GED and going to college than he had been the day she met him. Grudging acknowledgment that maybe her dad and mom noticed something she didn’t.

About a year later one of her sisters looked up his Facebook page. He posted that he was still living with mommy and getting drunk every night. Eldest daughter didn’t even want to be reminded of him.

It still took a few more years, and two more losers, for her to understand and appreciate that maybe her parents weren’t so stupid after all. We also had help from her younger sisters and her aunts who all agreed that she was befriending the wrong kind of boys.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Ten years have passed. I am not angry. Actually, our daughter son in law and grand baby live with us. Their rent went up and a year ago, they asked us how they could save money to purchase a house. My daughter…yes the one who hates me, asked if they could move in with us, pay a small rent, help my disabled husband with household maintenance. We all worked “together” on a plan. The house has 4 bedrooms, so everyone has their own space. They pay their own personal bills. Both work. My son (collge boomerang) is also here and has been very helpful to us with maintaning the ol homestead. Everyone does their part.

Just finished a fabulous lunch my daughter made for everyone. My son in law cut the lawn and trimmed the bushes. My DH is doing laundry and my son is hanging sheetrock in the attic …it’s about 85 degrees up there right now. I’m playing with grandbaby, printing coupons and my daughter and I will be working on this month’s shopping list.

They will be with us for possibly another year and that is fine.

So much for anger and hate.

Well I’m glad everything’s worked out…you just sounded very cross in some of your other posts. I guess things don’t always translate well over the internet though.

 

[johnphilip1972]

Well we’ve had quite an eventful weekend. My wife and I needed some time together to calm down and clear our minds. I have read all of the posts however, in short I would really like to thank Julianna, Millie123 and Nan S especially, as well as everyone else who posted, er’ well mostly everyone.

So first off according to the rumor mill (Facebook. One of my older daughters found it on Facebook) Romeo has a new Juliet. Yeah, that’s my fault too of course. My daughter (the pregnant one, DD3), obviously upset, said something unkind about the girl and a visiting relative said, “hey, you could be talking about your baby’s stepmom!”. Wow. That upset her even more, understandably, but it may have been an eye opener. It was pointed out to her that coparenting is a fact of life for some unwed parents. If he does stick around she could be splitting weekends, holidays and birthdays, not to mention he can parade any number of new girlfriends into the child’s life. She certainly didn’t like that, but it gave her something to think about.

Today we had a counselor from Catholic Charities talk to her. I do believe it helped. She has some literature at least. Hopefully it’s got her thinking. My oldest daughter is home from college for the summer and has been talking to her sister as well. She’s told her about a few girls she knows who are young single mothers and how vastly different their lives are compared to their peers.

So, keep praying please! I feel her eyes are opening and heart is softening to the thought of adoption but we aren’t there yet.

 

[Et_Cetera]

John, I don’t know the intimate inner-workings of your family, but you seem really bent on having this go your way. And I think that somewhere in the back of your mind, you must have your moral doubts or else you wouldn’t be on here arguing to make your points. I think you’re also trying to convince yourself that your pressure is the right thing. You’ve pretty much selectively thanked only the people who are on your side, and you’ve responded critically to those who don’t exactly see things your way. In my mind adoption is the best and most logical option, but I’m not a very maternal person, and I’m really into my job and hobbies, so for me, being a 15-year-old mom probably would have been devastating. But maybe your daughter is different–maybe this kid will be the greatest thing in her life. Sure, it will be tough, but financially can you really not help her? Can you really not give her some of your time? You chose to have her. She is your daughter, and it is your duty to help her with life’s struggles.

You act as though this is the end of the world for your family. It will be if you let it be. What career does she want? You mentioned that it would take about six or more years. Something like pharmacy? Is she a good student? Do you think she can handle the child and keeping her life on track? I bet if you and maybe some extended family help out, then things could work.

I feel for you, it has to be tough. But I kind of get the impression that you think less of your daughter because she had sex. And if so, then she has to feel that, and I’m sure it makes her feel awful. She deserves to be respected. Some of the posters here are likely correct when they say that you might cause an irreparable rift between you and your daughter if you push her too much in one direction with this issue.

Ask yourself: Are you pressuring for this adoption because you think that it will make you happy or because you think it will make your daughter happy?

 

[maryjk]

Ask yourself: Are you pressuring for this adoption because you think that it will make you happy or because you think it will make your daughter happy?

Actually it sounds like he is doing it so the baby is happy. The one you didn’t mention in your question.

 

[Xantippe]

Actually it sounds like he is doing it so the baby is happy. The one you didn’t mention in your question.

He can’t guarantee that the baby is happy or loved in another home. The home where he has the most influence over the baby’s happiness is his home.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Actually it sounds like he is doing it so the baby is happy. The one you didn’t mention in your question.

So a baby couldn’t be happy with its natural mother and a supportive extended family?

 

[johnphilip1972]

Ask yourself: Are you pressuring for this adoption because you think that it will make you happy or because you think it will make your daughter happy?

Neither. I’m confident adoption will not only make the baby happy but will ultimately be what is best for the baby. Let’s not forget the baby is innocent in all of this and deserves the very best chance at a good life.

 

[johnphilip1972]

Actually it sounds like he is doing it so the baby is happy. The one you didn’t mention in your question.

 

[Xantippe]

Neither. I’m confident adoption will not only make the baby happy but will ultimately be what is best for the baby. Let’s not forget the baby is innocent in all of this and deserves the very best chance at a good life.

If you think your home is a terrible place for a baby to grow up, it’s hard to argue with you.

 

[johnphilip1972]

He can’t guarantee that the baby is happy or loved in another home.

What kind of people do you think adopt children. Adoptive parents have to jump through hoops to adopt a baby, do you think they’re doing it for kicks and giggles?

 

[TheDoctor]

To the OP: Hi John. I am no great adviser, just a dad with teen and young adult daughters. Just some thoughts for you from one dad to another.

• Your daughter is my hero. She could have aborted the baby. She did not. She made the hard and best choice. No matter what she decides she chose to give this baby life. No matter what else, keep reminding her of the hero she is to that little baby.
• I am a simple guy. She has two choices: give the baby up or keep it. Either one will be hard. Either one will weigh on her heart and soul forever. She needs you guys now more than ever. Especially if she is not old or mature enough to realize it. Her road ahead will be hard no matter what. Keep walking along with her and Jesus. She will need to lean on you, even when you don’t think you can be leaned on.
• The hardest one: You have to get the SO (boyfriend - baby daddy - significant other) back involved to some degree. He needs to take responsibility for his part. If she gives the baby up for adoption, he has to sign off on the adoption (at least where I live) or else he can come back and gum up the process. If she decides to keep the baby, he needs to pay support as best he can for the next 18 years.
• What about you and Mrs. JohnPhilip1972? How are you doing? How is your communication? What are you doing to lean on each other? How is the family? Maybe spend some time in adoration for yourself if you can.
• This will be your grand baby, no matter where he or she ends up so I know this is not an easy decision for you. Best we can all offer here is our prayers for clarity and peace.

 

[maryjk]

He can’t guarantee that the baby is happy or loved in another home. The home where he has the most influence over the baby’s happiness is his home.

So a baby couldn’t be happy with its natural mother and a supportive extended family?

No one can guarantee anyone’s happiness.

But someone can look at a situation and gauge the best chance for happiness.

So the situation we have is a 15 year old, 9th grade, pregnant, girl, with a boyfriend that has already moved on to another willing partner.

Who do you think might be able to best gauge the maturity of the girl? The chances of this 15 year old being a good mother, now, not down the road? The ability of the girl to attend school and care for a child?

Do you think that the father would know the young girl better? Or do you think that anonymous members of a forum would be better?

 

[johnphilip1972]

To the OP: Hi John. I am no great adviser, just a dad with teen and young adult daughters. Just some thoughts for you from one dad to another.

• Your daughter is my hero. She could have aborted the baby. She did not. She made the hard and best choice. No matter what she decides she chose to give this baby life. No matter what else, keep reminding her of the hero she is to that little baby.
• I am a simple guy. She has two choices: give the baby up or keep it. Either one will be hard. Either one will weigh on her heart and soul forever. She needs you guys now more than ever. Especially if she is not old or mature enough to realize it. Her road ahead will be hard no matter what. Keep walking along with her and Jesus. She will need to lean on you, even when you don’t think you can be leaned on.
• The hardest one: You have to get the SO (boyfriend - baby daddy - significant other) back involved to some degree. He needs to take responsibility for his part. If she gives the baby up for adoption, he has to sign off on the adoption (at least where I live) or else he can come back and gum up the process. If she decides to keep the baby, he needs to pay support as best he can for the next 18 years.
• What about you and Mrs. JohnPhilip1972? How are you doing? How is your communication? What are you doing to lean on each other? How is the family? Maybe spend some time in adoration for yourself if you can.
• This will be your grand baby, no matter where he or she ends up so I know this is not an easy decision for you. Best we can all offer here is our prayers for clarity and peace.

My wife and I are doing very well. We went away for the weekend to regroup and clear our heads and just enjoy each others company. The family’s wonderful, all home before DD1 goes back and DD2 start college in the fall. DD3 is having a hard time, obviously being pregnant and all but she fell asleep reading some adoption literature. I am glad she is educating herself on the matter.

The father has already agreed to adoption. As I’ve stated his mother was adopted and both of his parents think it’s the right decision as well.

Obviously we are very much against adoption and I am so grateful she is too. When it was suggested to her she dismissed it as murder and she knows we are very glad she stood up for the innocent baby and didn’t take what many view as the easy way out. We have told her how proud of her for that.

 

[johnphilip1972]

No one can guarantee anyone’s happiness.

But someone can look at a situation and gauge the best chance for happiness.

So the situation we have is a 15 year old, 9th grade, pregnant, girl, with a boyfriend that has already moved on to another willing partner.

Who do you think might be able to best gauge the maturity of the girl? The chances of this 15 year old being a good mother, now, not down the road? The ability of the girl to attend school and care for a child?

Do you think that the father would know the young girl better? Or do you think that anonymous members of a forum would be better?

Thank you.

 

[bstorm]

What kind of people do you think adopt children. Adoptive parents have to jump through hoops to adopt a baby, do you think they’re doing it for kicks and giggles?

What kind of people do you think adopt children. Adoptive parents have to jump through hoops to adopt a baby, do you think they’re doing it for kicks and giggles?

All kinds of people adopt children. Some are wonderful parents and some are not, just like any other parents. Not every adoption is a successful one and some fail. I know of several unhappy adoptions. A friend of mine was adopted as a child. I met him when I was in junior high through a music program. He was a very good and very talented person. One day he suddenly disappeared. Later a common acquaintance told me that things were difficult between him and his adoptive parents. Few years after adopting him they were blessed with their own biological child and things went downhill from there. Lots of friction in their family. Finally, they decided to “return him”. I was never able to find him again. I know of another adoption in which two (now adult) children who were adopted as infants do not talk to their adoptive parents anymore or anybody else in the family. I understand these are extreme examples of things gone wrong and many of the adoptions are successful. Another friend who was adopted (by a single mother, curiously enough), was raised well and is doing fine. But bad things can and do happen in adoptive families. There are all kinds of people out there and just because they are able to pass a home study and jump through all the hoops does not mean that they will be better parents to your grandchild than your daughter and that your grandchild will be happier with them. I say this with all the respect to adoptive parents here - I know that many of you are wonderful and selfless and are providing loving homes for your children.

The point is that I agree with Xantippe - you cannot guarantee that your grandchild will be happy and loved in another home. Once the child is outside of your home, you have no influence on his or her happiness. I hope that you and your daughter will be able to figure out the best solution both for her and her child. I wish you the best.

 

[Rau]

The degree of vehemence with which some posters advocate their position is surprising when you consider that no one here knows any of the relevant family and no one has heard anything directly from the baby’s mother. Posters’ positions mostly fall into:

• strong advocacy for adoption;
• balanced approach, advocating working through of all the options prior to a final decision;
• strong advocacy to keep the baby, with adoption a last, desperate measure.

I found the willingness of some posters to be so strongly influenced by their personal experience (if any), notwithstanding how limited that is, and in the absence of any first-hand knowledge of this particular family, quite surprising. I suppose you could say (with utmost charity ) it demonstrates that some have an ability to make very complex decision with very incomplete information!