Parent Survival Guide to 50 Shades of Grey - Miriam Grossman, MD

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This might be a couple weeks late, since the movie has already been out since Feb 14, but the author of this blog is an adolescent psychologist and has spoken very wisely on similar topics and their importance to youth. There’s good practical information here about the importance of talking to young people about this sado-masochism topic that is out there in the mainstream now, and simple, trustworthy and clear information and suggestions for how to talk about it.

Parent Survival Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey
miriamgrossmanmd.com/parent-survival-guide-to-fifty-shades-of-grey-how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-sadomasochism/
 
I like the article from the advice to the boys:
A girl may say, “A part of me is turned on by the idea”. Your son should know it’s an unhealthy part of her. She’d be wise to starve, not feed, it.
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Explain to him the inconsistency between what many young women say they want in a man, and the choices they ultimately make. The inconsistency is not his problem, it’s hers, but it can lead to his heart being broken and other difficulties, like a pregnancy or STD. It’s wise to wait for someone who knows who she is and what she wants.
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This is excellent stuff to say to to a boy, it will disabuse him of the notion that women want nice guys and that he should listen to what his lady friends tell him women like. It will also prevent him from pedestalizing women, seeing them as fallen creatures who have sinful desires that go beyond “lack of self-esteem” as well.
 
It seems already one boy tried to do the Fifty Shades tricks on his girlfriend. She said he raped her and he might have but when one thinks about it IMO boys can be in trouble if they try things like that. People are playing with fire in these things. Even if a girl says yes she may not like it at all and say it was the boy’s fault if she gets hurt.

I would advise any young person of the problems this whole issue may cause them.
 
Son, a woman who is interested in sado-masochism is mentally ill and someone you should stay far away from.
 
Estevao said:
I like the article from the advice to the boys:

This is excellent stuff to say to to a boy, it will disabuse him of the notion that women want nice guys and that he should listen to what his lady friends tell him women like. It will also prevent him from pedestalizing women, seeing them as fallen creatures who have sinful desires that go beyond “lack of self-esteem” as well.
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From what I hear (I’ve read lots of articles on the FSOG books, but haven’t read the actual thing), low self-esteem and poor boundaries are pretty much the heroine’s entire personality.
 
Xantippe said:
From what I hear (I’ve read lots of articles on the FSOG books, but haven’t read the actual thing), low self-esteem and poor boundaries are pretty much the heroine’s entire personality.
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Who is reading these books??? They’re the most popular thing in the world right now but I can’t point to a single person that I know in real life who doesn’t scoff or roll their eyes when the book is mentioned.

I just don’t get it. The books don’t exactly portray a BDSM relationship, nor is it the traditional abusive trope either. It seems that the author, with a tenuous grasp of the English language, wrote down her private, off the wall fantasies, strung them together to make a quasi-coherent “story” and made millions off of being taboo. I haven’t read the books so if any of that is incorrect, someone please tell me.

My biggest problem with this whole FSoG thing is that it takes things that should be private (violent sexual fantasies) and romanticizes making them a reality. I’ll admit, I’ve fantasized about rape. It’s actually a very common fantasy among women. But the fantasy of sexual violence and the reality of it are two different things. I’m afraid this is getting lost on some of the women who are eating this up.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Who is reading these books??? They’re the most popular thing in the world right now but I can’t point to a single person that I know in real life who doesn’t scoff or roll their eyes when the book is mentioned.

**One speculation that I’ve heard is that they are being very lightly skimmed, IYKWIM.

I don’t know anybody in real life that’s reading them, either, I haven’t seen anybody even holding the book (as far as I can recall), none of my online chums read them, and I’ve read a series of really funny and devastating reviews.

The thing is, these days, you don’t need that large a percentage of people doing something for it to be a major media phenomenon. (How many people actually watch Mad Men or Girls–not a lot.)
**

I just don’t get it. The books don’t exactly portray a BDSM relationship, nor is it the traditional abusive trope either. It seems that the author, with a tenuous grasp of the English language, wrote down her private, off the wall fantasies, strung them together to make a quasi-coherent “story” and made millions off of being taboo. I haven’t read the books so if any of that is incorrect, someone please tell me.

Yeah, you nailed it.

**I read a bunch of Cliff Pervocracy’s chapter reviews of FSOG and Cliff (a BDSM person) says that the BDSM in the book is rubbish, both with regard to consent and just basic physical safety.

Here’s Cliff’s index of blog posts on FSOG (warning–content not CAF friendly, but informative and funny!):
**
pervocracy.blogspot.com/p/fifty-shades-of-grey-index.html

Cliff makes the very interesting point in one of the many FSOG posts that while the descriptions of BDSM are amateurish, the abusive relationship stuff is right on the nose, which Cliff thought concerning.

My biggest problem with this whole FSoG thing is that it takes things that should be private (violent sexual fantasies) and romanticizes making them a reality. I’ll admit, I’ve fantasized about rape. It’s actually a very common fantasy among women. But the fantasy of sexual violence and the reality of it are two different things. I’m afraid this is getting lost on some of the women who are eating this up.
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I expect the middle aged lady readers are quite clear on the distinction.

It’s the younger women that I would have concerns about. As well as the menfolk that decide that this is all what women “really” want.

As I’ve read elsewhere, fantasies are often quite distinct from what one wants in real life. Lots of people enjoy being shot at in video games that would never, never in a million years enlist in the military or want to go into law enforcement. They want to experience “danger” through gaming while at the same time being perfectly safe at home. I think FSOG offers something very similar. Ditto the collected works of Steven King. Is what people really want in real life to be terrorized by evil clowns and aliens that take over your body? And yet people have bought the works of Steven King by the truckload.
 
E.L. James can’t even get the relative geography of Portland, Oregon, Vancouver, WA, and Seattle right, and that’s childishly easy.

“The roads are clear as I set off from Vancouver, WA toward Portland and the I-5. It’s early, and I don’t have to be in Seattle until two this afternoon.”
 
Not that I am an advocate for any kind of BDSM relationship or making a claim that it is a representation of a good and healthy relationship but I think there is a lot of curiosity out there about what a BDSM relationship actually is.

I also haven’t read the book but I’ve read articles about it and I’ve seen plenty of people go on and on about how unhealthy this “relationship” is.

This may be one of the more dangerous aspects of the book…that a relationship that includes severe abuse and rape and the idea that a women can change a man if she just works hard enough at it and doesn’t give up…that this is all normal and healthy.

What we’re seeing is an outbreak of BDSM attempts that are ending horribly wrong. Recently, a student from Chicago was arrested for sexually assaulting another student and claimed he was inspired by FSOG.

Is anyone actually surprised by this? I think this will start happening more and more.
Especially since this movie is rated R…which means teens as young as 17 can go see it without parental consent.

It was also released on Valentine’s day….what a wonderful and romantic movie a young couple can go see….:eek:

It frightens me that I’m going to actually think about having a conversation like this with my daughters.
The fact that I might have to consider mentioning BDSM during the birds and the bees talk disturbs me.

I had no idea this world even existed until I was well into my twenties.
 
I haven’t actually read Aristotle, but he has a theory of catharsis that may shed some light on the popularity of FSOG, Steven King, and action movies:

Wikipedia says, “Catharsis (from the Greek κάθαρσις katharsis meaning “purification” or “cleansing”) is the purification and purgation of emotions—especially pity and fear—through art or any extreme change in emotion that results in renewal and restoration. It is a metaphor originally used by Aristotle in the Poetics, comparing the effects of tragedy on the mind of spectator to the effect of a cathartic on the body.”

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catharsis
 
The thing is most actual members of the bdsm community hate 50 Shades too. The very first rule is safe, sane, and consensual. The submissive is always the one in real control, and when they say no it stops- automatically. From what I’ve read about 50 Shades the heroine is raped repeatedly and isn’t listened to when she says no.
 
His_angel said:
The thing is most actual members of the bdsm community hate 50 Shades too. The very first rule is safe, sane, and consensual. The submissive is always the one in real control, and when they say no it stops- automatically. From what I’ve read about 50 Shades the heroine is raped repeatedly and isn’t listened to when she says no.
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Saw the movie, on Saint Valentines day, with my wife. There were NO rape scenes, and the movie clearly spells out how the “submissive” is the one who is actually in control. There is a scene where she forces him to hold an formal business meeting while they discuss the written contract about what is allowed/not allowed…and it is quite clear that she is enjoying the “power” she has over him.

At the end of the movie it shows that this is indeed NOT a healthy relationship as the skeletons in his past start coming out in their sexual games.

As to this type of stuff in a marriage…some people may experience significant enhancement of their senses while being restrained, others may be able to “give in” to certain feelings/behaviors because they are “helpless”. Within limits, these things could be good for a marriage. Kinda like having a couple of glasses of wine to release your inhibitions before climbing into bed with your spouse.
 
Boatswain2PA said:
Saw the movie, on Saint Valentines day, with my wife. There were NO rape scenes, and the movie clearly spells out how the “submissive” is the one who is actually in control. There is a scene where she forces him to hold an formal business meeting while they discuss the written contract about what is allowed/not allowed…and it is quite clear that she is enjoying the “power” she has over him.

At the end of the movie it shows that this is indeed NOT a healthy relationship as the skeletons in his past start coming out in their sexual games.

As to this type of stuff in a marriage…some people may experience significant enhancement of their senses while being restrained, others may be able to “give in” to certain feelings/behaviors because they are “helpless”. Within limits, these things could be good for a marriage. Kinda like having a couple of glasses of wine to release your inhibitions before climbing into bed with your spouse.
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I believe the film scrubs a lot of the more non-consensual stuff from the book.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Who is reading these books??? They’re the most popular thing in the world right now but I can’t point to a single person that I know in real life who doesn’t scoff or roll their eyes when the book is mentioned.

.
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Sadly, the only person I know who read it (and enjoyed it) works for a Catholic home form pregnant teens. When I told her my opposition to the book she defended it saying ‘the man told the girl right from the start he was bad for her’. As if that makes it ok:rolleyes:

A good man does not tell a girl ‘I am bad for you’ a good man walks away from innocent women

It is SO sad that some people do see it as a good story
 
Anglewannabe said:
Sadly, the only person I know who read it (and enjoyed it) works for a Catholic home form pregnant teens. When I told her my opposition to the book she defended it saying ‘the man told the girl right from the start he was bad for her’. As if that makes it ok:rolleyes:

A good man does not tell a girl ‘I am bad for you’ a good man walks away from innocent women
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Right.

I’ve heard that line (when it’s used in real life) critiqued as being a cop-out and a huge red flag.

It translates roughly to, “I am not responsible for all the bad things I’m going to do to you.”

It’s really too bad that a woman responsible for guiding young single mothers toward a better future doesn’t have more savvy.
 
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