Parent talking about adult child's "shortcomings"

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MissRose73

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I am posting this on behalf of a friend who does not go online and will share a few responses as she was looking for a bit more advice:

Recently, Myself and a group of others were assisting with setup for a potluck dinner then our elementary aged kids were putting on the Stations of the Cross after dinner a few weeks ago. Once we were done with setup and waiting for the parents & kids to arrive, we got to chatting for a short bit when one of the women started mentioning a few things about her adult daughter mainly having to do with the gainfully employed adult daughter’s handling of her savings habits. What really got me is her daughter was working near us as a volunteer too, and this woman had no issues discussing something that #1 is not the mother’s business and #2 to speak loud enough that her daughter could not help but overhear. I was surprised that the daughter had enough restraint not to get angry out loud at her mother for discussing things like that.

How do you best let someone who feels that discussing the personal matters of others is not right and downright hurtful plus someone who thinks they can try to run the personal matters of an independent adult child? For the record, the adult daughter does not have any financial issues, pays her bills on time, has a few investments including a workplace 401k plan that she participates & trying to save the best she can, and leads a decent life as a single independent woman.
 
Down here in Texas, we’d smile and in our most syrupy-sweet voice say, “Oh, bless your heart, I’m *quite *sure that isn’t any of my business.”
 
This^^^
But also get up and walk away. A person can’t overshare if there is no one to listen.
 
TechieGuy said:
Down here in Texas, we’d smile and in our most syrupy-sweet voice say, “Oh, bless your heart, I’m *quite *sure that isn’t any of my business.”
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Nice, I would also add, say it early in the conversation and walk away. Some people are just looking for an audience.
 
TechieGuy said:
Down here in Texas, we’d smile and in our most syrupy-sweet voice say, “Oh, bless your heart, I’m *quite *sure that isn’t any of my business.”
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And at some point, I’d mention to the daughter that I’m sorry she was embarrassed by her mother. And that I don’t condone her mother’s behavior.

I cannot understand a parent running down a child, regardless of age, in front of others.

🤷:rolleyes:
 
MissRose73 said:
I was surprised that the daughter had enough restraint not to get angry out loud at her mother for discussing things like that.
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Me too. If I caught my Mom talking about me like that, there would be hell to pay.
 
joeybaggz said:
And at some point, I’d mention to the daughter that I’m sorry she was embarrassed by her mother. And that I don’t condone her mother’s behavior.

I cannot understand a parent running down a child, regardless of age, in front of others.

🤷:rolleyes:
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I wouldn’t say anything to the daughter (unless she brought it up first) because it could just hurt or embarass her.

How old is the mother? Is she at the age the filter is starting to go?

I would maybe just try to change the topic because someone who is rude enough to discuss someone else’s personal business is probably not open to being publicly correted
 
MissRose73 said:
I am posting this on behalf of a friend who does not go online and will share a few responses as she was looking for a bit more advice:

Recently, Myself and a group of others were assisting with setup for a potluck dinner then our elementary aged kids were putting on the Stations of the Cross after dinner a few weeks ago. Once we were done with setup and waiting for the parents & kids to arrive, we got to chatting for a short bit when one of the women started mentioning a few things about her adult daughter mainly having to do with the gainfully employed adult daughter’s handling of her savings habits. What really got me is her daughter was working near us as a volunteer too, and this woman had no issues discussing something that #1 is not the mother’s business and #2 to speak loud enough that her daughter could not help but overhear. I was surprised that the daughter had enough restraint not to get angry out loud at her mother for discussing things like that.

How do you best let someone who feels that discussing the personal matters of others is not right and downright hurtful plus someone who thinks they can try to run the personal matters of an independent adult child? For the record, the adult daughter does not have any financial issues, pays her bills on time, has a few investments including a workplace 401k plan that she participates & trying to save the best she can, and leads a decent life as a single independent woman.
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I probably would have said something very simple like: Don’t we ALL have our own shortcomings. I’d prefer not to hear of the shortcomings of others as I would not one others speaking of my own.

Maybe you could have the pastor speak about gossiping in general.
 
Anglewannabe said:
I wouldn’t say anything to the daughter (unless she brought it up first) because it could just hurt or embarass her.

How old is the mother? Is she at the age the filter is starting to go?

I would maybe just try to change the topic because someone who is rude enough to discuss someone else’s personal business is probably not open to being publicly correted
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The mother is close to 70, and her daughter is in her 40’s. I’ve spoken to the daughter when her mother is not around, and she knows that her mother does not like to be corrected in certain situations plus some people dare not do so (and she has been that way for many many years). The daughter has said to me that she is not happy with the fact her mother likes to tell others things about her and/or others in her family that should not be discussed in public settings. Trying to change the topic is a tactic that does not always work with this woman either when she discusses certain things.

Perhaps, a homily about talking and gossip could go a long way when we have a Gospel and/or scripture that mentions speech/talking. Women are more prone to gossiping and talking about others behind their backs compared to most men in my experience.
 
I would simply try to change the subject. If the mother continued to talk about the daughter, I would politely tell her, well bless your heart or something similar that would end the conversation.

I would pray for the mother and the daughter. I feel badly for the daughter, but it sounds like she is used to her mother’s rudeness.

And I would tell my priest that a good topic for a sermon or small group lesson would be gossiping.
 
You could pull the mother aside where no one else could hear, and ask her how she would feel if her own mother spoke about her in such a disparaging way? Of course it’s quite possible that she learned this trait from her own mother, so that may be fruitless.

I had a mother-in-law who loved to gossip, I used to get up and leave the room when it started. Which is why I was much closer to my Father-in-law. We watched sports together when the gossip started. 🤷
 
TechieGuy said:
Down here in Texas, we’d smile and in our most syrupy-sweet voice say, “Oh, bless your heart, I’m *quite *sure that isn’t any of my business.”
Click to expand...
Someone else might pull up short, let their jaw drop, look straight at the person and say, “Wow. You talk about your daughter like that in public? Wow.” And then just walk away. (Head shaking as you do so is optional.)

If she starts to re-start or double down (which many people will), then you say, “Um…no thank you. Just…no thank you.”
 
My guess is the mother is not going to listen to anybody.

My mother is like this. She’s spent my entire life letting others know all my (supposed) shortcomings. There is absolutely no reasoning with her, no way of suggesting to her that this has destroyed our relationship or that others aren’t impressed with it. She is in her own world and that’s that. Anyone who doesn’t see it her way is the problem.
 
My mom’s friend does this. My mom suggested, sarcastically of course, she personally fix her daughter’s shortcommings.
 
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