Parental Block-- Parents Dislike Boyfriend

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I thought I had found the man I had been looking for. He’s Catholic, insightful, funny, athletic, smart, I’m attracted to him in every way imaginable—he’s the only person I have ever been able to consider spending the rest of my life with.

I have never been an advocate of long-distance relationships, but I was more than willing to endure the frustration of a 2,000 mile one with Matt. Yes, the current situation is far from ideal, but I couldn’t ignore all the attractive qualities he had that I had been looking for. We started talking about a year ago and I went out to meet him in person a few months after—I didn’t want to waste my time and phone minutes being infatuated with the illusion of a guy if we click in person as well as we had over the phone. But we did. That weekend was nothing short of incredible. He’s since come out to see me, too.

The problem is that my parents pretty much despise him. They have met him a couple of times now and they have grown increasingly less fond of him and many of the circumstances surrounding our relationship. They say that I should just save myself the time and energy, take their word for it, and stop talking to Matt altogether.

They do not support our relationship, and, as such, they will not allow me to live at home or support me financially (I may be going back to college for a second degree in the fall) if I ever go out to see him again. And they would not come to the wedding if our relationship ever got to that point.

My family means so much to me. I have many siblings and I love my parents, but I can’t just call Matt and tell him, “our relationship is over because my mom said so.” I still care about him so much. He is also mostly unaware of my parents’ sentiments. I really don’t know how to go about this at all. Any (name removed by moderator)ut or advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
 
Yes, how old are you guys and what reasons have your parents given you for their dislike?
 
Hi, and welcome to CAF. It seems to me your first order of business is to talk to your parents. They have unusually strong feelings against this man, and you need to find out why. It sounds as though you are an adult living on your own, so why not invite them over for dinner and ask them to tell you exactly what it is about him that they hate so much. If they see something in him that you do not, and they believe it is so awful that they are willing to follow through with such an ultimatum, then they owe it to you to be honest. And you owe it to them and yourself to listen.
 
If he’s such an awesome guy, then why do they despise him? How old are you, and how old is he?
Though I assume if you’re going back for a 2nd degree in the Fall and live on your own, you’re clearly an adult.
I had a friend who was in a situation where she was dating a young man (they were both Christians) who she loved and her parents supported the relationship.
I guess something happened (I’m still fuzzy on the details) they did a full 180, and told their daughter she had to break up with him. (she was 20.)
Well, long story short, she married him anyway, and none of her family came to the wedding.
It was heartbreaking watching her walking down the aisle alone when he Father should have been with her…
She just had her first child, and they refuse to even acknowledge the child, their first grandchild.
It’s extremely sad.

My point is, you’re an adult and you can make your own decisions.
Your parents don’t have to agree with all your decisions, but you still need to respect them.
If you’re determined to go on with this relationship despite your parents discouragement, try as hard as you can to keep a relationship with them.
Don’t let this burn those bridges, if its possible.

Best of luck,
~ PetiteFoi
 
Generally speaking, when there is that level of disagreement, especially from parents who have a lot more life experience, something is off about the relationship. How old are you and how old is he? You have not spent enough time around this man to truly get to know him so you really don’t know anything about him. Really, you don’t. And being 2000 miles apart just exacerbates that problem. I don’t blame your parents one bit for withholding their financial support from you. You’re an adult and may do whatever you choose to do, but they are under no obligation whatsoever to support you.

Just my :twocents:
 
Many times family who loves you and cares for your well-being and happiness see red flags in relationships. The person in a new relationship has on rose-colored glasses and is not able to see the warning signs. My advice is to step back and take their concerns seriously. Maybe they are right, maybe they are wrong, but I wouldn’t dismiss their concerns too quickly.
 
“You have not spent enough time around this man to truly get to know him so you really don’t know anything about him.”

Right. You saw him for one incredible weekend, plus one visit from him. Don’t plan your life around him–you don’t know him.
 
devoutchristian said:
Catechism 2230 states that parents must not coerce their adult children in this regard.
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2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
I fail to see where is says parents are required to hand over their savings to their adult children.
 
Hoo(name removed by moderator)mie said:
Parents are not responsible for their adult children, including financial affairs. Such is not coercion.
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It can be in some families though. Financial issues can certainly be used to manipulate children, even when they are adults.

But I think the OP needs to disclose more details. She has yet to say what the parents specifically objected to about the boyfriend. What the relationship was like with her parents before the boyfriend. Is she currently living at home, etc, etc.

From the way the OP described the situation, I would say both sides have their valid points.
 
“Of course they aren’t required to pay for their adult children’s expenses, however, paying conditionally is a form of pressure.”

From their point of view, if they support her financially while she’s seeing him, they are freeing up her income for her to spend on jetting across the country. Understandably, they don’t like that idea.

What don’t they like about him? Is it reasonable, or do you feel that they would find a reason to dislike anybody you brought home.
 
Again I agree.
Once I was that boyfriend. Her parents were right. we were not the right match. she was not ready for the commitment I was looking for.

I’m one of 7 kids. My parents approval or dissaproval of various suitors and courtships over the years has been a strong predictor of the success of the relationships.

Most significantly the most strongly felt objection to a match resulted in a registery office, shotgun wedding that ended in separation after just 6 months and many years of a broken on again off again relationship which produced 2 very damaged children, and is pending divorce proceedings now after more than 10 years.

But my brother just wouldn’t listen to the advice given, and my family weren’t willing to drive him away with ultimatums.
You owe your parents Honour and Respect.
If you remain dependant on your parents you owe them Obedience.
They have (or should have) your best interests at heart.
As others have suggested, you must take their council on this matter. Why do they feel so strongly? do they have valid reason?

If you choose to cleave from your father and mother and become one flesh with this man, you have that right, that is God’s plan for Marriage - but don’t do it against their advice unless you’re very sure that they are not being reasonable.

If they were objecting on unreasonable grounds that would be a different story. My Parents married against the wishes of my mum’s parents. the objection was based on the fact that my paternal grandmother had died of cancer prematurely… therefore my dad’s bloodline must be tainted. - that’s an example of an unreasonable objection.
After the wedding they came around and relationships improved.

Objections based on class, race, greed or such are likely to be unreasonable. Objections based on valid evidence or reasonable suspicion of unsuitable character (like a violent history) are based on their fear that such violent behaviour may be repeated against you. listen to them the stastics would show their fears are likely to be prophetic.

Objections based purely on the distance are not entirely reasonable. Your parents don’t want to loose you, for you to end up thousands of miles away - but that is your choice not theirs… it is good to hear their concerns and take them on board, but you are not obliged to stay in your home town.
 
I’m having a hard time giving any meaningful advice based on what you have written.

I can’t tell what kind of relationship you already have with your parents. I don’t know if your parents often get involved with your relationships. I don’t know if YOU think that your parents usually have your bests interests at heart.

If your parents have your bests interests at heart, they may see something in him or you that you are blind to. Often experience teaches us things like the life of the party may be an alcoholic. But I don’t even know if your parents are basing their judgments of him based on what they know of him - or what they know of you - or how you have changed since knowing this man.

It could be that your parents are basing their opinion on external things. (I know he is Catholic), but let’s say her were Muslim. I could see that your parents might reject him simply because of his faith or culture. If he were a different race or nationality - he might be rejected because “Italians and Irish just don’t get along”. Sometimes these old time prejudices have some basis in reality - sometimes it is just that the parents have some specific experience that is not valid in the general.

Maybe your parents are just uncomfortable that you met him online. Maybe they heard horror stories of online dating.

But, I just can’t discern enough of why they have formed an opinion and it is so strong.

Please enlighten us so we may try to help you either see your parents wisdom and love for you - or try to give you advice on how to enlighten them.
 
Thanks for everything so far. I left out a lot of details purely to refrain from writing a novel that nobody wanted to read. Haha.

No, the long distance thing is not ideal. But I have 2 free flights from my airline rewards program, so the money issue in this regard is not immediately an issue. But financially, it is unwise for both of us in the long term.

In addition, everyone can be on their best behavior while on these vacations (Matt has come out to see me 3 times since the year started and has stayed for a week each time, as a side note). To really get to know one another, and I recognize that you would have to see how they are on a daily basis. This is something that needs to be addressed. But Matt has proposed that he move out here for the winter months if and when his new job has the seasonal layoffs it typically does.

I’m 22 and Matt is 27. We met through mutual, mutual friends on a social media site, not via the online dating thing. Right now I live with my younger sister and I am currently studying economics and graduating in May. I don’t really like econ though and I am not particularly good at it. I wanted to change to an education major but stuck with my current degree per my dad’s request. (My strong suits are teaching, foreign language and music, so I would go back to study these things at a much less expensive university closer to home in the fall.)

I know that my parents are in no way obligated to support me financially. They know that I couldn’t live on my own in May though, and I almost expect this is by design. (In high school, my siblings and I had to pay for half of our car in order to call it our own and take it to college. But we were not allowed to pay more than half so that my parents could still take the car as a punitive measure. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying.)

I also know that the long distance thing is not ideal. Everyone can be on their best behavior while on these vacations (Matt has come out to see me 3 times since the year started and has stayed for a week each time, as a side note). To really get to know one another, and I recognize that you would have to see how they are on a

They don’t like Matt because they don’t think that we will be happy together long term because they feel:
he is not attractive enough for me
he is not smart enough for me
not able to keep up with my humor or conversations in general.
the long distance thing is stupid
God knows where I live and he wouldn’t have me go cross-country to find my future husband
his family situation (divorced parents) will inherently cause problems
his degree is inadequate
he is self-centered
his teasing me is very disrespectful
he is “low class”
I haven’t had enough boyfriends
The “fruits” of the relationship are not good
Admittedly I made some mistakes early on. I flew out to meet him and didn’t tell my parents when I did. I didn’t tell anyone except a couple of close friends. I didn’t want to get everyone excitable or worked up if it turned out to be a dud. (I did take many safety precautions though. I wasn’t about to become a 48 Hours story.) My parents are very protective of me, their oldest daughter, too. I knew that the odds they would let me go were slim to none. I told them I went once I got back and spent some time with Matt. They were shocked, but not upset. They weren’t upset until after they met him in January… But they refer to the fact that I was not honest or respectful of their discretion. I am not proud of that, but I had to know.
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I do love and respect my parents. I value their wisdom and I do listen when they tell me their reasoning. There are a couple of things I can see being red flags, and I intend to keep a careful eye out for these, too. I know they just want the best for me. I also don’t want to endure unnecessary heartbreak. I want to have the best marriage possible and best future spouse. But I am just having a hard time with the idea of dropping Matt without my own reasoned conclusions.
 
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