Parenting transitions

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Shayshay24

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My 20 year old son wants to take a trip overseas with his girlfriend. Can you tell me if this is wrong and if so, why?

As parents we don’t give consent.

Also, he is using his money to pay for the trip, but we pay for part of his education and think it’s wrong for him to be spending his money this way while we are paying for part of his education.

Thoughts?
 
Your son is 20 years old. In most places that means that he’s legally emancipated from you. This is his choice.

IMHO, if you’re not paying for the trip, and it’s his money, you don’t have the right to decide that he can’t spend his money on whatever he likes. If you’re paying only for part of his tuition, and you set the amount you’re willing to pay, you can stipulate that it can be used only for tuition, but if he’s not using your money then you can’t dictate his spending.
 
Thanks for your response piantistclare and His_helpmeet.

I understand that he has the right to do what he wants, but does it make it right? Isn’t he setting himself up for an occasion to sin?

What I didn’t disclose is that his girlfriend, although a child of God, has lied, treated other family members rudely and meanly. He has participated in the poor behavior toward our other family members at her initiation. Truly, we are concerned because he seems to be wearing blinders with regard to her. She’s proven herself a number of times to be provocative and manipulative beyond normal…as in using people as a means to and end. He’s not at all who we New him to be.

Additionally, he suffers from a psychological condition that we just found out about and that he hasn’t disclosed to her, nor will he accept any type of help for diagnosis/treatment.

It seems as though he’s very mixed up. Caught up in the “I can do what I want” mode of life, yet refusing to see the self-harm and harm to our family he is causing. Thoughts?

So you’re both saying that even if we are paying for his room/board at college, but he’s paying for an extravagant vacation with his money that he’s supposed to be using for his education, we don’t have a legitimate gripe. In other words, we should still pay for what we’ve intended?
 
It’s your money.

I would not yank the rug out from under him for this semester but I do think it’s fair to say that if he wishes to function like an adult and take vacations like an adult, then you no longer need to treat him like a child and pay for his education.

With mental illness, I wouldn’t jump straight to blaming the girl. She is likely just a hanger-on to his issues and not the cause or exaerbation.
 
I don’t disagree. Does he attend the Newman Center at his college? If so, have him speak to the priest there. It often gets more reflection when it comes from someone out side of the family.
 
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Thanks again to all.

He HAD been very involved with his Newman Center until recently. He plugs in seldomly as far as I know. We had on numerous occasions suggested his own spiritual direction with a priest as well as them as a dating couple to seek direction. You see, we’ve been a very loving family and have tried very hard to give our young adult children space/independence/trusting that they are trustworthy because we haven’t had a reason to distrust. I don’t want to blame the girlfriend. We WANT to like her. But let’s face it, sometimes you become your friends. “Choose friends wisely”, right? We’ve tried to remind him that she should be lifting him up as he, her. He doesn’t seem to understand that she’s destructive with regard to relationships.

But, I guess that’s besides the original posed issue. We are struggling as parents, knowing how he was raised and not wanting to be culpable, to find that balance with wanting to still support him and the thought that he’s simply using us and taking advantage of us. Is that respect? Honor?
 
Is she his first REAL girlfriend?
If so, that’s going to be hard to overcome. Because he wants it to work out so badly. No pun intended.
 
I think you should be okay with him spending his money on the trip. I assume that strings like this were not attached to the money that you give him for school. If not, then wish him a good time.
 
Yes she is his first REAL girlfriend. He claims to love her…says he’s going to marry her…and for the record, our opinion of her is directly related to her behavior, not speculation.

As a potter attempts to form the clay on a wheel, delicate pressure is necessary. Too much pressure, and then the collapse…
 
Yeah. He just needs to cool his jets. He doesn’t want to have to marry her out of obligation. He really needs to talk to someone. Ask him is he prepared to purchase a home? Rent apartments for years? What happened when the children come? Will she stop working? Can he secure a position with insurance? Sometimes when confronted with real life consequences, just dating makes more sense, and in the end, is way more fun if they are not positive of the outcome. Sounds like he could stand to date some other people. But likely he won’t listen to you, Who are you? Just mom! 🤣

Seriously though, I’m praying for you.
 
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This. Everything said here. If he wants to be a grown up, he gets to start footing the bill. Honestly, by that age a young man should be proactively cutting the apron strings.
 
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