Parents and social life

[Nec5]

Are you saying that I was a bad parent because I was happy when my kids left the nest? I was ready for them to be adults. I had raised them alone for many many years and I did my best to raise them to be independent upstanding citizens. And no, I was not heartbroken when they tried their wings. I was actually happy to see them succeed in the world and with their wives. And yes, I was glad, and even anxious to have the house to myself for a while, lasted for about 2 years and then I took care of both my parents who both had Alzheimer’s at the same time.
And this from a Mom who worked full time and did go out on the weekends and was active in church and did have a social life.

You know, we each do things the way we feel is best and the way that works with our own personalities and ethics and morals and so forth. Let’s not judge others, it’s not always an open and shut case.

Oh, but it is. Let’s do judge each other. Ourselves, and then others. If you have kids and can’t wait for them to “leave the nest”, then why did you have kids? Sounds selfish to me. If they choose to leave and/or get married and move out, great. If not, that’s should be fine too.

Your goal as parent should be, as you suggested, to raise kids fully capable of being independent. The bird analogy has always seemed to me to be deeply flawed when you consider how foolish it is from an economic and stability standpoint. My Asian friends take advantage of living with their folks and reap the benefits financially and family-wise as well.

 

[PatriceA]

Oh, but it is. Let’s do judge each other. Ourselves, and then others. If you have kids and can’t wait for them to “leave the nest”, then why did you have kids? Sounds selfish to me. If they choose to leave and/or get married and move out, great. If not, that’s should be fine too.

Your goal as parent should be, as you suggested, to raise kids fully capable of being independent. The bird analogy has always seemed to me to be deeply flawed when you consider how foolish it is from an economic and stability standpoint. My Asian friends take advantage of living with their folks and reap the benefits financially and family-wise as well.

I disagree. Let’s NOT judge each other, especially others unless you have actually walked a mile in their shoes.

She never said she couldn’t wait for her kids to leave the nest, but that she was ready and had done her job. Kudos to her.

 

[Nec5]

I disagree. Let’s NOT judge each other, especially others unless you have actually walked a mile in their shoes.

She never said she couldn’t wait for her kids to leave the nest, but that she was ready and had done her job. Kudos to her.

I agree with the kudos to her. It sounds like she did the right thing and should be hailed as a model. Seriously. She raised her kids alone (not sure what happened there but it’s probably a sad deal), they apparently are doing well, and then she did the right thing caring for her sick relative.

As for the “Let’s NOT judge each other, especially others unless you have actually walked a mile in their shoes” argument, you’re not really serious, are you? By that logic, we could never judge anything. After all, you can’t judge my level of success or morality because you haven’t precisely lived my life and upbringing. So if I steal cars and choose to be a deadbeat, none should judge me because they haven’t lived my life.

That’s a weak argument and runs contrary to the repetitive calls to judge what is Godly and ungodly found in the Old and New Testaments. We can and should judge a great deal; that is precisely what is wrong with today’s culture, people are unwilling to judge. The one thing we should not judge, and can’t really do it anyway, is whether someone is going to hell or heaven. We can, however, judge if they are on a road leading in that direction.

 

[PatriceA]

I agree with the kudos to her. It sounds like she did the right thing and should be hailed as a model. Seriously. She raised her kids alone (not sure what happened there but it’s probably a sad deal), they apparently are doing well, and then she did the right thing caring for her sick relative.

As for the “Let’s NOT judge each other, especially others unless you have actually walked a mile in their shoes” argument, you’re not really serious, are you? By that logic, we could never judge anything. After all, you can’t judge my level of success or morality because you haven’t precisely lived my life and upbringing. So if I steal cars and choose to be a deadbeat, none should judge me because they haven’t lived my life.

That’s a weak argument and runs contrary to the repetitive calls to judge what is Godly and ungodly found in the Old and New Testaments. We can and should judge a great deal; that is precisely what is wrong with today’s culture, people are unwilling to judge. The one thing we should not judge, and can’t really do it anyway, is whether someone is going to hell or heaven. We can, however, judge if they are on a road leading in that direction.

Actually I am serious. Did she ever break the law? No, she didn’t. Did she break your personal standards of what is appropriate and not appropriate? Perhaps, and that is when you became the judge and you are not her personal judge or jury.

 

[gh4]

She raised her kids alone (not sure what happened there but it’s probably a sad deal), they apparently are doing well, and then she did the right thing caring for her sick relative.

My husband died when we were 28, the kids were 4 and 7. I raised both those kids, did all the things I was supposed to do, cub scouts, sports etc., with them. I took them camping, taught them how to build fires and teepees and how to survive in the woods and how to drive and how to shave and all the things that Dad’s usually do. I did it. And I don’t regret one moment of it. I worked my buns off to have enough money to raise them. My youngest didn’t leave until he got married at about 24. That was 20 years of doing mostly for the kids, ALONE without a husband. I got them to church, I taught CCD, I was very active in church and so were they.

Why did I have kids? My husband and I both wanted children. I love my boys. I would give my oldest son my right kidney and my youngest son my left kidney if they each needed one. I would lay my life down for them if I had to do so to save their lives. I gave my kids and then my parents the very best years of my life and I WILL NOT feel guilty for any reason what so ever for enjoying my life without them living in my home.
I did not kick my either of my children out of the house and they could have lived there much longer than they did, but I was ready for them to be on their own. And they were ready to be on their own.

You want to judge me, go ahead, I bet money you couldn’t have kept up with and all I did, and worked 11-7 in ICU 5 days a week and then worked part time for extra money to take the kids on vacation. I was an only child and when my parents both had Alzheimer’s, there was no one else to step up to the plate. I couldn’t imagine sending them off to the nursing home, so I brought them to live with me. Judge me, feel free, but there is nothing that y’all can say or do that will make any difference, that’s between me and my Lord Jesus Christ. And baby, I’m going to heaven when I’m done on this earth, I work on that one every single day of my life.

 

[Nec5]

Actually I am serious. Did she ever break the law? No, she didn’t. Did she break your personal standards of what is appropriate and not appropriate? Perhaps, and that is when you became the judge and you are not her personal judge or jury.

Morality does not equal secular law. Adultery is not illegal but is it is immoral. Abandoning your wife is not necessarily illegal, but it is immoral. Failing to instill moral values in your child is not illegal, but it is immoral. Divorce is legal, but immoral (barring a few circumstances noted in the catechism which are the rarity in today’s culture). We are called to a higher standard, and you should be looking for it rather than criticizing one of the few people left that actually speaks out against our broken country/world.

I’m not sure where dh4 is coming from actually with her criticism of my argument. I already stated that her actions are a model to follow, and I was not being sarcastic.

My comments were aimed towards those who feel it is their duty and moral right to kick their kids to the curb so they[the parents] can “just be” or “still have fun”, whatever that means. They were also directed at those parents who believe their kids should get the boot at 18 and learn to “sink or swim”.

If you decide to get married and have kids, then you should commit to them until death. They become your priority. Likewise, the kids should do everything within their power to care for their parents once they have some power of their own.

It sounds like you folks are too afraid to judge what is holy and unholy and have therefore become sensitive to anyone else discerning good from evil. It is a common secular disease related to relativism (i.e. walk a mile in his/her shoes before judging).

 

[sharmin]

I have children, but also, I see the sad faces in the children, the striving for attention by doing anything (usually bad), the ignoring of inappropriate behavior of the child by the parents. These aren’t older children or teens, these are toddlers and preschool aged kids. And the parents do state how much they wish they didn’t have to work so they could spend more time with their children and husbands but at the same time make plans at least once per week away from them. Normally I don’t care but because of my job their not being as involved in their childrens’ lives does affect me and the other children whose parents are involved. But in these economic times one cannot dismiss these kids nor would since they need the love and attention we give. One runs out near the street when the dad is there and he does nothing about it (though, were something to happen, I’m sure we’d be sued). One doesn’t tell her child to not touch the hot stove (when she’s picked up an hour late) and just ignores her son’s actions. Then there are the tears when they are the last one’s picked up. Or the one rolling his eyes when asked what he did last night and as he rolls his eyes he says “my mom’s out with her friends again”. I guess I’m just trying to understand the mentality of the parents because I do not share that mentality and yet have to deal with it daily while not getting upset at the way they child is ignored or not given #3 priority as he or she should (remember, God first, spouse second, children third)

It sounds like these parents are a bit overwhelmed with their work schedule and trying to balance work and family. It’s quite possible that they need these times away to destress and help themselves emotionally to regroup and BE better parents.

 

[Cupofkindness]

My husband died when we were 28, the kids were 4 and 7. I raised both those kids, did all the things I was supposed to do, cub scouts, sports etc., with them. I took them camping, taught them how to build fires and teepees and how to survive in the woods and how to drive and how to shave and all the things that Dad’s usually do. I did it. And I don’t regret one moment of it. I worked my buns off to have enough money to raise them. My youngest didn’t leave until he got married at about 24. That was 20 years of doing mostly for the kids, ALONE without a husband. I got them to church, I taught CCD, I was very active in church and so were they.

Why did I have kids? My husband and I both wanted children. I love my boys. I would give my oldest son my right kidney and my youngest son my left kidney if they each needed one. I would lay my life down for them if I had to do so to save their lives. I gave my kids and then my parents the very best years of my life and I WILL NOT feel guilty for any reason what so ever for enjoying my life without them living in my home.
I did not kick my either of my children out of the house and they could have lived there much longer than they did, but I was ready for them to be on their own. And they were ready to be on their own.

You want to judge me, go ahead, I bet money you couldn’t have kept up with and all I did, and worked 11-7 in ICU 5 days a week and then worked part time for extra money to take the kids on vacation. I was an only child and when my parents both had Alzheimer’s, there was no one else to step up to the plate. I couldn’t imagine sending them off to the nursing home, so I brought them to live with me. Judge me, feel free, but there is nothing that y’all can say or do that will make any difference, that’s between me and my Lord Jesus Christ. And baby, I’m going to heaven when I’m done on this earth, I work on that one every single day of my life.

What a great post! I wish I knew you, you sound like a wonderful woman. I have no doubt that through the years you inspired many parents to be more giving to their own children.

Parents need to pray and sacrifice for their children. It sounds like you did both. God love you, your sons are very fortunate to have you as a mother.

 

[EasterJoy]

Morality does not equal secular law. Adultery is not illegal but is it is immoral. Abandoning your wife is not necessarily illegal, but it is immoral. Failing to instill moral values in your child is not illegal, but it is immoral. Divorce is legal, but immoral (barring a few circumstances noted in the catechism which are the rarity in today’s culture). We are called to a higher standard, and you should be looking for it rather than criticizing one of the few people left that actually speaks out against our broken country/world.

I’m not sure where dh4 is coming from actually with her criticism of my argument. I already stated that her actions are a model to follow, and I was not being sarcastic.

My comments were aimed towards those who feel it is their duty and moral right to kick their kids to the curb so they[the parents] can “just be” or “still have fun”, whatever that means. They were also directed at those parents who believe their kids should get the boot at 18 and learn to “sink or swim”.

If you decide to get married and have kids, then you should commit to them until death. They become your priority. Likewise, the kids should do everything within their power to care for their parents once they have some power of their own.

It sounds like you folks are too afraid to judge what is holy and unholy and have therefore become sensitive to anyone else discerning good from evil. It is a common secular disease related to relativism (i.e. walk a mile in his/her shoes before judging).

You are free to have and to express your opinion, that is what these forums are for. It is a good thing to encourage others to be more generous and charitable, starting with their families. We have no room to sit in judgement of other people and how they decide when it is time for their adult children to support themselves, though. Where in the teachings of the Church or Holy Scriptures does it say that parents are to take responsibility for their adult children until the parents die? It isn’t there. We aren’t free to add it on.

Can we, happy to at the prospect that our children stay with us indefinitely, really sit in judgement of the parent who dares to heave a sigh of relief when the huge job of raising her children to adulthood was done? Really? We have to bring it to mind yet again that when Jesus said “let the one of you without sin be the first to cast a stone at her” that he was talking to people who scrupulously followed the Bible, who were accusing a woman caught in the act of adultery. If this is how He treated a mother when she was caught fooling around on their father, how must we treat one a mother who was merely pleased to see her fully-grown child finally support himself? We wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

“Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you. Go, (and) from now on do not sin any more.” John 8:10-11
Did you want to stay behind, and lecture the Lord on how he was “too afraid to judge what is holy and unholy” and ought to have reminded her to make her marriage and family a priority? You wouldn’t dream of it, would you?

It is the secular rule to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before judging, you are right. It is the rule of Jesus not to judge at all:
“Stop judging, that you may not be judged. For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you.” Matt. 7:1-2

Let’s think about whether we want to be judged not just on whether or not we did our duty before God, but also whether we were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed from start to finish and beyond. And you know we were blessed with children we actually enjoy. Sometimes, the fit is not so good, and it is no one’s fault.

“*The scribes and the Pharisees have taken their seat on the chair of Moses. Therefore, do and observe all things whatsoever they tell you, but do not follow their example. For they preach but they do not practice. They tie up heavy burdens (hard to carry) and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they will not lift a finger to move them…Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, you hypocrites. You pay tithes of mint and dill and cummin, and have neglected the weightier things of the law: judgment and mercy and fidelity. (But) these you should have done, without neglecting the others. Blind guides, who strain out the gnat and swallow the camel!” *Matt. 23:2-4, 23-24

The Lord counts mercy among the weighter things of the law. Please do not criticize how another mother has carried her load, or the relief she feels in having borne it well. Did we ever lift a finger to lighten the load on her, or anyone like her? Were we there to help her as she raised her children alone? It is good to encourage others to greater virtue, there is nothing wrong with that, but we should be thankful we were only given the burden we were given. We should hope we did not neglect to use our extra energy for those less fortunate.

We should all be afraid to judge, for those with the office of correction and admonishment will be judged the most strictly. Those who actually have the office tend to be merciful in their exercise of it. There is a reason for that, believe me. Priests read the Bible.

 

[Nec5]

Where in the teachings of the Church or Holy Scriptures does it say that parents are to take responsibility for their adult children until the parents die? It isn’t there. We aren’t free to add it on.

Can we, happy to at the prospect that our children stay with us indefinitely, really sit in judgement of the parent who dares to heave a sigh of relief when the huge job of raising her children to adulthood was done? Really? We have to bring it to mind yet again that when Jesus said “let the one of you without sin be the first to cast a stone at her” that he was talking to people who scrupulously followed the Bible, who were accusing a woman caught in the act of adultery. If this is how He treated a mother when she was caught fooling around on their father, how must we treat one a mother who was merely pleased to see her fully-grown child finally support himself? We wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

“Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you. Go, (and) from now on do not sin any more.” John 8:10-11
Did you want to stay behind, and lecture the Lord on how he was “too afraid to judge what is holy and unholy” and ought to have reminded her to make her marriage and family a priority? You wouldn’t dream of it, would you?

It is the secular rule to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before judging, you are right. It is the rule of Jesus not to judge at all:
“Stop judging, that you may not be judged. For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you.” Matt. 7:1-2

Let’s think about whether we want to be judged not just on whether or not we did our duty before God, but also whether we were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed from start to finish and beyond. And you know we were blessed with children we actually enjoy. Sometimes, the fit is not so good, and it is no one’s fault.

“*The scribes and the Pharisees have taken their seat on the chair of Moses. Therefore, do and observe all things whatsoever they tell you, but do not follow their example. For they preach but they do not practice. They tie up heavy burdens (hard to carry) and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they will not lift a finger to move them…Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, you hypocrites. You pay tithes of mint and dill and cummin, and have neglected the weightier things of the law: judgment and mercy and fidelity. (But) these you should have done, without neglecting the others. Blind guides, who strain out the gnat and swallow the camel!” *Matt. 23:2-4, 23-24

The Lord counts mercy among the weighter things of the law. Please do not criticize how another mother has carried her load, or the relief she feels in having borne it well. Did we ever lift a finger to lighten the load on her, or anyone like her? Were we there to help her as she raised her children alone? It is good to encourage others to greater virtue, there is nothing wrong with that, but we should be thankful we were only given the burden we were given. We should hope we did not neglect to use our extra energy for those less fortunate.

We should all be afraid to judge, for those with the office of correction and admonishment will be judged the most strictly. Those who actually have the office tend to be merciful in their exercise of it. There is a reason for that, believe me. Priests read the Bible.

In your first quote, Jesus said “sin no more”. That’s judgment.

In your second quote, Christ actually states the word “judgment” in addition to “mercy” and “fidelity”.

Your citations prove my point that we are called to judge. We are also called to freely lend a hand to folks who are up against the wall. That doesn’t mean we keep our mouths shut when we see people treating their children as in-laws or a nosy neighbor. We are called to judge that action or inaction as the case may be.

As for scripture backing up parental responsibility throughout the kid’s life, I’ll cite “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. ~ Proverbs 22:6”

This fits in perfectly with what we know of childhood development and its impact on adults (see Freud and basic psychology).

Let me be fair on this point; there is a specific section or line or two in one of the books, I think it’s Ezekiel but I could be mistaken, that discusses blaming the parents for the sins of their children. Essentially, it argues that once the child is an adult, the parents cannot be held to blame because the child/young adult freely chooses sin.

This appears to be a contradiction with the proverbs quote, but I think Ezekiel, or whatever book my memory fails to identify, is discussing practical ramifications. If the chain of responsibility were to be fully consistent, we would have to throw virtually every parent and grandparent in jail for the crimes of a descendant. That’s neither practical, possible, or sane.

However, I think we do a grave injustice when we diminish the impact that parents have on their kids throughout their lives. You never cease being a mom and dad any more than the kid stops being a son. In short, when I hear a parent express relief at getting rid of their kids and “emptying the nest”, it is nearly always a sign of selfishness. Combined with our secular culture’s focus on hedonistic self-fulfillment, it seems naive to interpret it in any other way.

I suppose it could be an innocent statement, but given the current morally rotten cultural context, it often turns out to be a form of irony. Parents fail to raise a kid, the kid is a disaster, the parents wish to be free of the disaster,and the parents want relief from a problem that they themselves almost certainly created.

 

[EasterJoy]

In your first quote, Jesus said “sin no more”. That’s judgment.

In your second quote, Christ actually states the word “judgment” in addition to “mercy” and “fidelity”.

Your citations prove my point that we are called to judge. We are also called to freely lend a hand to folks who are up against the wall. That doesn’t mean we keep our mouths shut when we see people treating their children as in-laws or a nosy neighbor. We are called to judge that action or inaction as the case may be.

As for scripture backing up parental responsibility throughout the kid’s life, I’ll cite “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. ~ Proverbs 22:6”

This fits in perfectly with what we know of childhood development and its impact on adults (see Freud and basic psychology).

Let me be fair on this point; there is a specific section or line or two in one of the books, I think it’s Ezekiel but I could be mistaken, that discusses blaming the parents for the sins of their children. Essentially, it argues that once the child is an adult, the parents cannot be held to blame because the child/young adult freely chooses sin.

This appears to be a contradiction with the proverbs quote, but I think Ezekiel, or whatever book my memory fails to identify, is discussing practical ramifications. If the chain of responsibility were to be fully consistent, we would have to throw virtually every parent and grandparent in jail for the crimes of a descendant. That’s neither practical, possible, or sane.

However, I think we do a grave injustice when we diminish the impact that parents have on their kids throughout their lives. You never cease being a mom and dad any more than the kid stops being a son. In short, when I hear a parent express relief at getting rid of their kids and “emptying the nest”, it is nearly always a sign of selfishness. Combined with our secular culture’s focus on hedonistic self-fulfillment, it seems naive to interpret it in any other way.

I suppose it could be an innocent statement, but given the current morally rotten cultural context, it often turns out to be a form of irony. Parents fail to raise a kid, the kid is a disaster, the parents wish to be free of the disaster,and the parents want relief from a problem that they themselves almost certainly created.

I don’t think we’re in the same thread. We’re not talking about kids who are disasters. We’re not tallking about parents who failed to raise decent human beings. We’re talking about parents who dare to sigh a sigh of relief when they’ve gotten their children safely out into the world. It is not a sin to take some pleasure in being able to own something that is white, breakable, or that scratches. We’re talking about parents who dare to spend some time socializing. It can be neglectful, it can be selfish, but it doesn’t have to be. It is not sinful, per se…and let us not forget the sin of the parents who “do everything” for their kids, never clip the strings and let that be their ticket to a lifetime of busybody martrydom or of vicarious hovering. There is more than one direction in which parents can sin, after all. There is a reason that there are more jokes about meddling mothers-in-law than about parents who spent too much time with their friends. Some kids, yes, say, “Mom, why aren’t you ever here?” Some, though, say, “Mom, why don’t you get a life of your own, instead of constantly living mine?”

I don’t think it charitable to automatically assume that every parent with a social life or who is far, far happier as a grandma than she ever was as a mom is a hedonistic, selfish person who just unleashed a rotten person on the world. That just isn’t fair, any more fair that just assuming that a mom who drives her kids everywhere is a stage mother with no life of her own.

I’m sticking by my guns. Judge not.

As for kids, yes, they have to be disciplined, and that takes time. Having said that, there are parents who raise five kids just the same, and with one it just doesn’t “take”. They didn’t fail that kid by failing to be consistent. Sometimes, what worked on all the other kids doesn’t work on the last one, for whatever reason. Those of us who didn’t get that one kid had better count our blessings. We can’t know that we would have done better by that child.

It is worth talking about why some sad situations come up and about how certain problems can be avoided. That can be very helpful. As for particular people, judge not.

 

[gmarie21]

Some kids, yes, say, “Mom, why aren’t you ever here?” Some, though, say, “Mom, why don’t you get a life of your own, instead of constantly living mine?”

You know, in the formation classes my husband and I are in we had to do an exercise one day with all the other couples, half seated in a circle, the other half standing behind each seated person. The seated person had to close their eyes and listen while each person standing had to whisper in each person’s ear one phrase they wish their parents had said to them more often and then we switched positions. The top two phrases were “I love you” and “I’m proud of you”. There was one or two “I’ll play with you” and one “You’re grounded”. What a sad statement that even as adults we wish our parents had been more loving and/or more attentive to us. That experiment made me cry (I said that I wish I had been told “I’m proud of you” since the only compliment directly made to me by my father in all my life was on my wedding day saying I looked nice, though I’m sure he’s complimented me to others). But at the same time, I do understand the need for adult interaction (I work with other people’s children all day and CAF is my only outlet during nap time). But when I go home all I want to do is be with my family. But again, I am a homebody and because exhausted when in too big of social groups/interactions.

 

[gmarie21]

In short, when I hear a parent express relief at getting rid of their kids and “emptying the nest”, it is nearly always a sign of selfishness. Combined with our secular culture’s focus on hedonistic self-fulfillment, it seems naive to interpret it in any other way.

A line in “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” describes what I think you’re trying to say here: And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again.

I have known many parents who seem so kind and loving to their kids and when I asked why they don’t stay home (because they can afford to) they say, “because my kids would drive me crazy. I can’t deal with them for that long” (Yes, they said it to me just like that). I have had other parents tell me they were so happy for school to start up after a break (even a one week break) because their children were driving them crazy. One mom went to a parenting workshop and when I asked why, she said so that she could learn how to not want to kill her child (she’d never literally kill him, but he tests her patience, yet she fails to realize that up until a year ago she always treated every action of his as cute, or just a kid).

 

[EasterJoy]

You know, in the formation classes my husband and I are in we had to do an exercise one day with all the other couples, half seated in a circle, the other half standing behind each seated person. The seated person had to close their eyes and listen while each person standing had to whisper in each person’s ear one phrase they wish their parents had said to them more often and then we switched positions. The top two phrases were “I love you” and “I’m proud of you”. There was one or two “I’ll play with you” and one “You’re grounded”. What a sad statement that even as adults we wish our parents had been more loving and/or more attentive to us. That experiment made me cry (I said that I wish I had been told “I’m proud of you” since the only compliment directly made to me by my father in all my life was on my wedding day saying I looked nice, though I’m sure he’s complimented me to others). But at the same time, I do understand the need for adult interaction (I work with other people’s children all day and CAF is my only outlet during nap time). But when I go home all I want to do is be with my family. But again, I am a homebody and because exhausted when in too big of social groups/interactions.

I know some great families that can only take each other in small doses. It is not sad. They just have very intense personalities. As long as they don’t share a house on vacation, they’re fine. At least, as long as they are all fine with it, I don’t see any reason for me to get sad about it.

It is a worthwhile experiment to explore what you wanted from your parents that you did not get. It tells you a lot about yourself. That was not an exercise to encourage everyone to sit in judgment of their parents, though. It was an exercise to allow you to tell yourself where your inner sore spots are.

I hope that at some time during that exercise the participants had an opportunity to consider what they were most thankful to have received from their parents. Otherwise, it could kill the gratitude in some people. It is very difficult to find contentment, when you don’t practice gratitude.

By the way, I felt a lot as you do, until I found out from my mom that my dad had no trouble bragging about me to others. He had simply been raised to think that direct praise would leave a child prone to vanity. It was his way of keeping me from sin. Besides that, I can see now that he has difficulty saying anything that involves emotions. As the old Norwegian joke goes: “It is all I can do not to tell the kids how much I love their mother!” Seen in that way, it doesn’t seem so bad. I think his habit of silence was far harder on his life than on mine.

 

[gmarie21]

I know some great families that can only take each other in small doses. It is not sad. They just have very intense personalities. As long as they don’t share a house on vacation, they’re fine. At least, as long as they are all fine with it, I don’t see any reason for me to get sad about it.

It is a worthwhile experiment to explore what you wanted from your parents that you did not get. It tells you a lot about yourself. That was not an exercise to encourage everyone to sit in judgment of their parents, though. It was an exercise to allow you to tell yourself where your inner sore spots are.

I hope that at some time during that exercise the participants had an opportunity to consider what they were most thankful to have received from their parents. Otherwise, it could kill the gratitude in some people. It is very difficult to find contentment, when you don’t practice gratitude.

By the way, I felt a lot as you do, until I found out from my mom that my dad had no trouble bragging about me to others. He had simply been raised to think that direct praise would leave a child prone to vanity. It was his way of keeping me from sin. Besides that, I can see now that he has difficulty saying anything that involves emotions. As the old Norwegian joke goes: “It is all I can do not to tell the kids how much I love their mother!” Seen in that way, it doesn’t seem so bad. I think his habit of silence was far harder on his life than on mine.

The exercise was actually on management (I know, that seems weird given the exercise) but pointing out how management and the Church combined needs to focus on the ones being served (they also do this exercise and conference for secular organizations - the point being to serve others). The people in the class, I guarantee, are extremely grateful for all the ups and downs of their lives. A lot of them have suffered or are suffering greatly and praise God every step of the way. Personally, the “I’ll play with you comment” hit me like a ton of bricks as a parent because my dd asks me that a lot (which I am now playing with her more often though I lack creativity). I don’t think it hurts to challenge ourselves and have others challenge us to be better. Many people are too busy to stop and listen. Some avoid introspection through busy lives, some through alcohol, some through drugs, some through shopping, etc.

Believe me, I know my standards of what is considered success in raising my children is different than most people I know. I do get criticized from many for how I parent, though I am not mad. I actually prefer them to bring up their concerns to me so that I can explain why I parent with Heaven in mind (since I"m not one to bring it up). Many feel sorry for my children because I am involved in their lives and love spending time with them and they think I’m smothering (though my oldest is 5) as a parent. But they are also the first to say how wonderfully behaved she is and how she plays well with all ages and can carry on a conversation. They say I’m too hard by making her apologize when she does wrong, but at the same time are amazed when she apologizes sincerely on her own. They wonder why I apologize to her when I was wrong in how I talked or behaved but then are amazed that she listens to me (most of the time ). They have no problem making fun of the fact that we teach her about the faith and lives of the saints but then brag when she prays the rosary. I never thought that through parenting we’d be witnesses to others. At the same time my dd has been to many of my husband’s events at bars and eateries and can sing the lyrics of many Beatles songs (though I have tried hard to teach her some Dean Martin). She also enjoys old black and white movies as well as many modern cartoons and family movies (she wants our family to be like the Bakers in Cheaper by the Dozen ).

 

[EasterJoy]

The exercise was actually on management (I know, that seems weird given the exercise) but pointing out how management and the Church combined needs to focus on the ones being served (they also do this exercise and conference for secular organizations - the point being to serve others). The people in the class, I guarantee, are extremely grateful for all the ups and downs of their lives. A lot of them have suffered or are suffering greatly and praise God every step of the way. Personally, the “I’ll play with you comment” hit me like a ton of bricks as a parent because my dd asks me that a lot (which I am now playing with her more often though I lack creativity). I don’t think it hurts to challenge ourselves and have others challenge us to be better. Many people are too busy to stop and listen. Some avoid introspection through busy lives, some through alcohol, some through drugs, some through shopping, etc.

Believe me, I know my standards of what is considered success in raising my children is different than most people I know. I do get criticized from many for how I parent, though I am not mad. I actually prefer them to bring up their concerns to me so that I can explain why I parent with Heaven in mind (since I"m not one to bring it up). Many feel sorry for my children because I am involved in their lives and love spending time with them and they think I’m smothering (though my oldest is 5) as a parent. But they are also the first to say how wonderfully behaved she is and how she plays well with all ages and can carry on a conversation. They say I’m too hard by making her apologize when she does wrong, but at the same time are amazed when she apologizes sincerely on her own. They wonder why I apologize to her when I was wrong in how I talked or behaved but then are amazed that she listens to me (most of the time ). They have no problem making fun of the fact that we teach her about the faith and lives of the saints but then brag when she prays the rosary. I never thought that through parenting we’d be witnesses to others. At the same time my dd has been to many of my husband’s events at bars and eateries and can sing the lyrics of many Beatles songs (though I have tried hard to teach her some Dean Martin). She also enjoys old black and white movies as well as many modern cartoons and family movies (she wants our family to be like the Bakers in Cheaper by the Dozen ).

You sound like a great parent to me. I have to admit, I’m a little astonished at the amount of feedback you’re getting. I hope people who feel so free to tell you how to parent are at least relatives. My philosophies are a lot like yours, but so far the people who have had to watch me parent our kids have managed to bite their tongues!

 

[StJudePray4Me]

You know, in the formation classes my husband and I are in we had to do an exercise one day with all the other couples, half seated in a circle, the other half standing behind each seated person. The seated person had to close their eyes and listen while each person standing had to whisper in each person’s ear one phrase they wish their parents had said to them more often and then we switched positions. The top two phrases were “I love you” an****d “I’m proud of you”. There was one or two “I’ll play with you” and one “You’re grounded”. What a sad statement that even as adults we wish our parents had been more loving and/or more attentive to us. That experiment made me cry (I said that I wish I had been told “I’m proud of you” since the only compliment directly made to me by my father in all my life was on my wedding day saying I looked nice, though I’m sure he’s complimented me to others). But at the same time, I do understand the need for adult interaction (I work with other people’s children all day and CAF is my only outlet during nap time). But when I go home all I want to do is be with my family. But again, I am a homebody and because exhausted when in too big of social groups/interactions.

Thank you for this. It is such a wake-up call.

When I tuck my kids in tonight, and tell them that I love them (which I do every night) and then tell them how proud I am of them, that they are the light of my life, and that I thank God every day that I am so blessed to be their mother.

So you’ve done your good deed for the day – my children thank you!

 

[gmarie21]

I know some great families that can only take each other in small doses. It is not sad. They just have very intense personalities. As long as they don’t share a house on vacation, they’re fine. At least, as long as they are all fine with it, I don’t see any reason for me to get sad about it.

I’m not talking about adult children and their parents, I’m talking about parents with young children and the needs young children have and how a parent can meet those needs.

 

[gmarie21]

You sound like a great parent to me. I have to admit, I’m a little astonished at the amount of feedback you’re getting. I hope people who feel so free to tell you how to parent are at least relatives. My philosophies are a lot like yours, but so far the people who have had to watch me parent our kids have managed to bite their tongues!

Yes, they are relatives and they sometimes tell me to my face (which I appreciate) and sometimes they say it behind my back. Needless to say, my husband and I are the “odd” ones in our approach to parenting. And, unfortunately, even my parents criticize my parenting at times.

 

[Nec5]

Believe me, I know my standards of what is considered success in raising my children is different than most people I know. I do get criticized from many for how I parent, though I am not mad. I actually prefer them to bring up their concerns to me so that I can explain why I parent with Heaven in mind (since I"m not one to bring it up). Many feel sorry for my children because I am involved in their lives and love spending time with them and they think I’m smothering (though my oldest is 5) as a parent. But they are also the first to say how wonderfully behaved she is and how she plays well with all ages and can carry on a conversation. They say I’m too hard by making her apologize when she does wrong, but at the same time are amazed when she apologizes sincerely on her own. They wonder why I apologize to her when I was wrong in how I talked or behaved but then are amazed that she listens to me (most of the time ). They have no problem making fun of the fact that we teach her about the faith and lives of the saints but then brag when she prays the rosary. I never thought that through parenting we’d be witnesses to others.

Most of these criticizing parents are the same ones who let their kids run around in the middle of the street, tell them to be home by 7:00pm without a clue as to where they really are, think it’s okay for them to experience things like piercings and sex when they become teenagers, and can’t wait for these kids to “fly the coop”. These parents rationalize their parenting by claiming they are letting their children express themselves and find their own identities. Then when their kids inevitably mess up their lives via divorce, kids, drugs, failing in school, they can’t and won’t draw the connection between their failed parenting and their kid’s/young adult’s actions. Then people come in and say “we shouldn’t judge”. It’s lunacy.

Keep parenting the way you are. The rest are a dime a dozen, which explains our current society’s moral decay.