Parents at Graduation?

  • Thread starter Thread starter TOBaddict
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

TOBaddict

Guest
It never ends. My suspected narcissist personality disorder parents and I got in a fight last week. I told them I am moving out, they physically abused me in public, emptied my bank account, cancelled my credit card, and started a smear campaign. They went back and forth texting that me I was disowned versus “please come home.” Honestly, the thought of being disowned was a relief 😊 My mom called and said she accepted that I am moved out, and she wants to still help me with groceries and things. She wants to return my money, but my dad wants to talk to me first about it. They sounded sincere, but I still don’t believe them. They think everything is just a big “misunderstanding” and I should have communicated better.

Now, my graduation is this weekend and they want to watch and get a picture with me. I gave away the tickets because I thought I was disowned. My friend is the first to graduate from her family and they all wanted to be there, so I gave them to her. I would only need one from her, but I really don’t want my parents to be there at all. I agreed to allowing them to come because they did help pay for tuition, so I figured I owed them that because I wouldn’t have graduated at all without their help. They also never graduated with a bachelor’s, so they are proud of me. But I worked my butt off to earn a dual degree with honors and for once in my life, I want this to be my day. They have pushed their way into all important occasions of my life and made it about them. This past birthday was the first one I had with friends and it was awesome, I cried.

Is it reasonable to tell them that they can come, but I don’t want to see them - until we talk to my therapist together? The thought of being in the same room with them makes me dry heave with anxiety. I mean, the last time I saw them, they assaulted me (they seem to forget this and think they were totally justified). I am just so tired because I am the scapegoat and constantly forgiving them and extending mercy for things they do to me that they should be apologizing to me for. I always just forgive and forget and they have no idea how much they hurt me because they won’t take the accountability for it. What happened this past week is ridiculous and I don’t want to be un-Christian, but I’m not letting them off the hook this time. They also seem to know that they went too far this time.
 
Of course it’s reasonable. Set out any boundaries you need, and don’t be manipulated into changing them. You are not in the wrong, and you need to focus on yourself and how much you can cope with.

Congratulations on your graduation!

Lou
 
Honestly, if they helped you pay for it, then the day belongs to them as well. However, since they stole from you, you could tell them to consider that payment towards the balance of their assistance, because if their help was just a loan, then you don’t owe them anything except money. So, unless you plan on skipping your own graduation and just pick up your degree from the record’s office, you’re going to have to hope for the best. It’s a public gathering. What’s the worst that could happen?

If you really can’t trust them to behave around strangers, then you might want to reconsider.
 
Yes, that is fine.

I also suggest that you not second guess and seek approval for your actions from strangers on the internet. What if someone said it isn’t fine? Would you believe them, would you endanger yourself by letting your parents back in based on that random comment?

If you are unsure, talk to your therapist.
 
ahollars said:
Honestly, if they helped you pay for it, then the day belongs to them as well. However, since they stole from you, you could tell them to consider that payment towards the balance of their assistance, because if their help was just a loan, then you don’t owe them anything except money. So, unless you plan on skipping your own graduation and just pick up your degree from the record’s office, you’re going to have to hope for the best. It’s a public gathering. What’s the worst that could happen?

If you really can’t trust them to behave around strangers, then you might want to reconsider.
Click to expand...
The last time in public, the OP was physically attacked. The OP does not have any obligation to invite their parents anywhere.

1ke is right though, OP. Your therapist will be able to help you with your questions knowing your situation instead of strangers on the internet who don’t know the background.

Lou
 
Lou2U said:
The last time in public, the OP was physically attacked. The OP does not have any obligation to invite their parents anywhere.

1ke is right though, OP. Your therapist will be able to help you with your questions knowing your situation instead of strangers on the internet who don’t know the background.

Lou
Click to expand...
^ This.

OP, I was in a similar position to yours when I graduated college five years ago. In my case, my parents hadn’t helped me with college, but my mother wanted to come down to see me graduate because, as ever, it was all about her: she wanted to do the whole Proud Mom of a College Graduate thing. Never mind, of course, that she’d spent the last six years doing her best to keep me from graduating by sabotaging my financial aid and whatnot! 😛

As she has a history of getting drunk and behaving really inappropriately in public, and also since I had worked insanely hard to get to that day and didn’t want it ruined by that sort of behavior, I said “no.” She threatened to show up anyway. I told her she could if she really wanted to, but it seemed a bit pointless since she wouldn’t be allowed in without a ticket. She was really angry (I kind of wonder in retrospect if she was planning something obnoxious for the event), but I just maintained a polite and firm tone, and refused to argue.

You should be grateful for their help, but gratitude does not extend to allowing someone to physically assault you just because they paid for your education. A courteous letter of thanks is probably in order, but that’s about it.
 
Lou2U said:
The last time in public, the OP was physically attacked. The OP does not have any obligation to invite their parents anywhere.

1ke is right though, OP. Your therapist will be able to help you with your questions knowing your situation instead of strangers on the internet who don’t know the background.

Lou
Click to expand...
I agree. This is a very difficult situation, OP, your parents have had control of you for a long time. It makes sense to find a professional who can guide you to make your own decision for yourself, in spite of all the conflicting emotions that will bubble up out of your past. A therapist can help you look at those emotions and sort out what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling it, and what* you *want to do with the situation as you understand it at the time you decide.

No matter what you decide to do, promise you will be merciful to your current self as you go into your future. Promise that you, in your future self, will remember your current self did the best you could in the day you were in, right now. Whatever happens, you will manage to cope with it, as long as you stick on your own side.
 
TOBaddict said:
Is it reasonable to tell them that they can come, but I don’t want to see them - until we talk to my therapist together? .
Click to expand...
No it is not reasonable. If they come, they will want to talk to you. So if your mind if made up, no more talking until everyone sees your therapist together, then NO they can not come.

I am assuming from what you wrote here they can be in the room as longs as they don’t talk to you
 
Anglewannabe said:
No it is not reasonable. If they come, they will want to talk to you. So if your mind if made up, no more talking until everyone sees your therapist together, then NO they can not come.

I am assuming from what you wrote here they can be in the room as longs as they don’t talk to you
Click to expand...
Yes. They have the tickets. My intentions were they can come, but i want to spend time with professors and friends afterwards. So, they can come and watch me graduate but I don’t want to meet with them take pictures, etc. after the ceremony.
 
TOBaddict said:
Yes. They have the tickets. My intentions were they can come, but i want to spend time with professors and friends afterwards. So, they can come and watch me graduate but I don’t want to meet with them take pictures, etc. after the ceremony.
Click to expand...
At the risk of being blunt, if they can’t respect the rather basic and commonly understood boundary of “physical assault is unacceptable behavior,” I find it unlikely they can or will respect the (quite reasonable) boundary you’d like to set here–i.e., to come but not meet with you afterwards.
 
I wouldn’t have them there until they give you back your money and stuff AND agree to speak to your therapist. I don’t know how far out the graduation is, but if possible, I would require them to actually see the therapist first!
 
If your parents physically attacked you in public, then no, you should not be obligated to have them at your graduation.

There is no reason to allow abusive behavior to destroy your happiness and peace.

Congratulations on your graduation! That’s an accomplishment to be proud of!!
 
I would not communicate with them until after graduation if they have tickets…I know this is evasive, but it puts the ball in their court, and it sounds like u will feel guilty if you tell them not to come. If you tell them to come, it is putting a stamp of approval on their recent and continous behavior. I am sure u are too busy to deal with this now too.
I would ask your therapist about the above .
I know it sounds passive, but it is not-you are protecing your emotional health and this would be a thought out decision.
 
acadiANNA said:
If they want a picture, please give them that much.
Click to expand...
You did read the part where they got physical with him in public, cancelled his credit card, took all the money he’d earned and told him they were going to disown him when he moved out? Right now, they’re lucky if he sends them a graduation picture with just himself in it.

There are some natural and predictable consequences in this life. Having your son refuse to have a happy-happy picture taken with you because you just emptied his bank account and disowned him is one of them, to put it mildly.
 
EasterJoy said:
You did read the part where they got physical with him in public, cancelled his credit card, took all the money he’d earned and told him they were going to disown him when he moved out? Right now, they’re lucky if he sends them a graduation picture with just himself in it.

There are some natural and predictable consequences in this life. Having your son refuse to have a happy-happy picture taken with you because you just emptied his bank account and disowned him is one of them, to put it mildly.
Click to expand...
I believe that the OP is female, based upon a previous thread. Which makes the physical assault by the father even more disturbing, IMO, because a female is even less able to defend herself against the assault by an adult male.
 
jmjZelie said:
I believe that the OP is female, based upon a previous thread. Which makes the physical assault by the father even more disturbing, IMO, because a female is even less able to defend herself against the assault by an adult male.
Click to expand...
Correct, I guess most people assume I am male based on my username, but I am a petite female.
 
I don’t know you or your parents but would like to tell you “the other side” if I may:
My oldest daughter also graduated 3 weeks ago. I filled out many FAFSAs, co-signed loan applications, provided money when she needed it (in the thousands), listened for hours when she had melt downs, provided a car and gas, made favorite meals when she said she was coming home only to be told she was going to boyfriends instead, provided her cell phone, … and the list goes on. On graduation day we took her and boyfriend out to nice meal, paid for the hotel we all stayed in and paid for a nice lunch. We, her parents, didn’t get introduced to any of her friends and were barely acknowledged. When the time came to award the “stole of gratitude” (one of their traditions) to the person who most supported her, she gave it to the boyfriend of 1 year. I was devastated and deeply hurt.
Again, I don’t know your parents… maybe they are totally horrendous. However I do know that we parents put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into raising our children and we look forward to the day that they say “I appreciate what you’ve done for me and I couldn’t have done it without your help.” Maybe try to step off of your position for a moment and see it from their perspective. Just sayin’
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top