Parents coming to visit

[DarkLight]

I know I’ve posted several threads before about my family. Short version is that my parents don’t know that I’m Catholic, and I have a standing rule with them that I don’t talk about religion with them (or really anything personal). I don’t think they’re capable of having a productive conversation about it, and I have no desire to have our time together consumed by lectures and guilt-trips and ridiculous attempts to save my soul.

The trouble is she’s looking to come up and see me for a weekend. I’m in a pretty small town and I’d be worried that she’d see me around church on Sunday morning (or Saturday afternoon) and figure out that something’s up. I really don’t want to re-open the topic of religion, but I also don’t want to feel like I have to sneak around. Any advice?

 

[aloe]

barnesandnoble.com/w/emotional-blackmail-susan-forward/1003179982?ean=9780060928971
This should give you the tools.

 

[Xantippe]

Sounds like it may be a good time to pre-emptively explain the situation to your parents. Toward the end of a phone conversation, naturally. If it gets too hot, say, “We can talk about this next time, mom, but I’ve got to do XYZ right now.”

You can invite them to go to church with you when they visit, if you’d like.

You could ask them if they’d like a book about Catholic beliefs, and then supply them with a couple if they say yes.

For the really advanced course, try taking them to lunch or coffee or something with your pastor. (They may be on surprisingly good behavior in this situation.)

 

[DarkLight]

Sounds like it may be a good time to pre-emptively explain the situation to your parents. Toward the end of a phone conversation, naturally. If it gets too hot, say, “We can talk about this next time, mom, but I’ve got to do XYZ right now.”

You can invite them to go to church with you when they visit, if you’d like.

You could ask them if they’d like a book about Catholic beliefs, and then supply them with a couple if they say yes.

For the really advanced course, try taking them to lunch or coffee or something with your pastor. (They may be on surprisingly good behavior in this situation.)

Yeah, unfortunately I’m dealing with the stripe of protestant that thinks Rome is the Whore of Babylon. I tried to bring up Catholic stuff before and pretty much got told “No we’re right and you’re wrong, Catholic really don’t believe in the Bible and worship saints and don’t believe in grace.” I’m quite sure if the conversation would need to take place, it would have to be done without any explanation or justification - simply because my justification would only serve as a point of attack.

 

[jmcrae]

Yeah, unfortunately I’m dealing with the stripe of protestant that thinks Rome is the Whore of Babylon. I tried to bring up Catholic stuff before and pretty much got told “No we’re right and you’re wrong, Catholic really don’t believe in the Bible and worship saints and don’t believe in grace.” I’m quite sure if the conversation would need to take place, it would have to be done without any explanation or justification - simply because my justification would only serve as a point of attack.

Then that’s what you do. On Sunday morning, you get up, you go to Church. If they ask where you’re going, you say, “Church. Wanna come? No? Fine. The breakfast stuff is in the kitchen. I’ll be back in two hours.”

 

[boomerang]

It’s best to be honest and straightforward, even if it hurts for a while. Tell them flat out - this is how it is, and I don’t want to hear any arguments about it. Preface this by telling them you love them to soften the blow. Then just tell them. You’ll be miserable pussyfooting around. Just get it over with. When they object, just put up your hand and tell them NO, I’m not hearing that. End of subject. When they see how happy you are, they’ll soften up.

 

[DarkLight]

It’s best to be honest and straightforward, even if it hurts for a while. Tell them flat out - this is how it is, and I don’t want to hear any arguments about it. Preface this by telling them you love them to soften the blow. Then just tell them. You’ll be miserable pussyfooting around. Just get it over with. When they object, just put up your hand and tell them NO, I’m not hearing that. End of subject. When they see how happy you are, they’ll soften up.

I probably should but I seem to have a panic attack every time I actually try and end up not doing anything because I can’t breathe. I don’t want to fight, but it’ll be a fight if I talk to them and a fight if I don’t.

 

[Seraphignatius]

I probably should but I seem to have a panic attack every time I actually try and end up not doing anything because I can’t breathe. I don’t want to fight, but it’ll be a fight if I talk to them and a fight if I don’t.

Why not do a novena to our lady and the holy spirit before she comes?

 

[DarkLight]

Why not do a novena to our lady and the holy spirit before she comes?

I have - I still panic. The help from the novena if it does anything lasts maybe 5 or 10 minutes. I need to be prepared for several hours, unless I’m going to be calling the police on my own mother to get her away from me.

 

[white_sheep]

Pray to the Holy Spirit. May he grant you courage, fortitude, and wisdom.

Just tell them. Then give them some green scapulars.

 

[mountee]

Your are in a tough position as you already know what has to happen but you find it too difficult to do because of past experience. Each time it does not get handled it becomes harder and harder to handle. Dealing with parents who do not approve makes it even more difficult. Because this is about your faith it is important to attempt to find some ground where your parents van visit but your don’t have to hide or defend your faith. jmcrae has a good suggestion and probably it is time for you to make a stand. If your parents want to visit, whether it involves a weekend or not, they will have to respect you and your choices. Stand up for your beliefs so that you can have peace. I will pray for you.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.

 

[jmj777]

Offer up your cross for their souls; that through your example God will touch their hearts.

Remember you are strengthening YOUR soul when you persevere in these trials. Don’t ever give up!

Praying for you.

Peace.

+JMJ+

 

[maryjk]

I have - I still panic. The help from the novena if it does anything lasts maybe 5 or 10 minutes. I need to be prepared for several hours, unless I’m going to be calling the police on my own mother to get her away from me.

This comes from knowing that you have to tell them.

But you have put it off for so long, years, in fact.

It isn’t going to get easier. In fact, the longer you wait, the worse you are going to feel.

 

[SnowAngels]

I see the other people have given you good advice, but I just wanted to interject one thing…

Remember this:“Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

 

[DarkLight]

This comes from knowing that you have to tell them.

But you have put it off for so long, years, in fact.

It isn’t going to get easier. In fact, the longer you wait, the worse you are going to feel.

I know, it’s just…I literally have panic attacks. Not just “wow I’m so nervous”, actual “I’m gasping for air” level of attacks. I have a nice anxiety disorder to go with it too.

I’ve been putting off telling her important things as far back as I can remember. For 18 years it just wasn’t allowed, and then for 6 more it was financially very dangerous because of health care.

I know I should and all that, but…I can’t just buck up and tell her any more than I could just decide to stop having flashbacks. I hate that but it’s the truth.

 

[jmj777]

I can empathize with your pain. Panic attacks are no joke and you can’t control them. The feeling is so overwhelming. Just keep praying for strength to overcome this fear. God will see you through this!

Take a baby step at a time. No need for abrupt band aid removal. Just thankful you’ve received the light of faith. Hang in there.

Peace.

+JMJ+

 

[maryjk]

I can empathize with your pain. Panic attacks are no joke and you can’t control them. The feeling is so overwhelming. Just keep praying for strength to overcome this fear. God will see you through this!

Take a baby step at a time. No need for abrupt band aid removal. Just thankful you’ve received the light of faith. Hang in there.

Peace.

+JMJ+

I would actually advise against baby steps.

Rather, I would say, enlist help. Maybe a friend. Your priest. A medical professional.

Baby steps have gotten you to this point. A panic attack at the thought of telling her. And, be honest, with yourself. Will those baby steps get smaller and smaller as you get closer to saying something?

If you enlist help, you can set a day and time. You can speak to your medical professional about how to do it.

Otherwise, DarkLight, I predict that in December you will be posting here about missing Mass when you visit your family because you haven’t told them about being Catholic.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I know, it’s just…I literally have panic attacks. Not just “wow I’m so nervous”, actual “I’m gasping for air” level of attacks. I have a nice anxiety disorder to go with it too.

I know I should and all that, but…I can’t just buck up and tell her any more than I could just decide to stop having flashbacks. I hate that but it’s the truth.

I’ve read many of your threads and am familiar with the situation.

Do you have a chance to talk to a priest about this visit? Perhaps you could not go to mass that sunday. I would normally not suggest something like this, but in your particular circumstances your health is an issue. A priest would be able to tell you whether such an option would be OK given your panic attacks and anxiety disorder.

 

[Xantippe]

Yeah, unfortunately I’m dealing with the stripe of protestant that thinks Rome is the Whore of Babylon. I tried to bring up Catholic stuff before and pretty much got told “No we’re right and you’re wrong, Catholic really don’t believe in the Bible and worship saints and don’t believe in grace.” I’m quite sure if the conversation would need to take place, it would have to be done without any explanation or justification - simply because my justification would only serve as a point of attack.

I’d do it on the phone with a friend right there, make the announcement, and then finish up the call as soon she starts making noise.

I definitely wouldn’t argue with her. During the visit, I’d say, “Mom, do you really think you’re going to convince me with arguments or I’m going to convince you? Let’s just enjoy our visit. You can come to church with me if you’re interested and you can judge for yourself.” (Then take her to the best parish and the best priest in town.) Weekends are busy for priests, so it may be hard to snag one for lunch or dinner on the weekend, but maybe Friday night? Then you can say, “Why don’t you ask Fr. Jim? We’re having dinner/brownies and coffee with him on Sunday night.” Priests are busy on the weekend, but this does seem like a very good cause. Fr. Jim would need a warning, of course, as to the nature of the visit.

I would carefully choose one or two books and at some point in the visit (once you’ve run out of other resources), you can pull out the book(s) and say something like, “I’d really like you to read this and once you’ve started reading it we can discuss it as you go along.” Nothing polemical, of course, just something VERY substantial like a Catechism or maybe the Navarre Bible Gospels and Acts or their Letters of St. Paul if you are feeling very brave. Then the next time your mom gets argumentative, you can say, have you started reading yet? If the answer is yes, you can ask her about her impressions and block out some time to listen. If the answer is no, you can tell her that the conversation will have to wait until she’s started reading. Then repeat in future. If she reads more, you’ll listen. If she doesn’t read, you say you’ll wait until she’s read more. And see if you can have a friend handy during your scheduled conversations with mom (and yes, they should be scheduled).

I don’t guarantee any results, but it seems like a good time to start.

 

[DarkLight]

I’ve read many of your threads and am familiar with the situation.

Do you have a chance to talk to a priest about this visit? Perhaps you could not go to mass that sunday. I would normally not suggest something like this, but in your particular circumstances your health is an issue. A priest would be able to tell you whether such an option would be OK given your panic attacks and anxiety disorder.

I’ve really just newly settled in so I’m not sure I’m comfortable yet talking to our priest.

The newly settled in is also affecting the mental health…I’m kind of hoping I can find a drug that actually works this time around, and then deal with my parents once I feel like my mental health is looking reasonably stable. So far I’ve acquired a long list of Things I React Badly To.