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Xantippe
Guest
That sounds very reasonable.
I’d try to fix this before Christmas or any long holiday you intend to spend with your parents, though.
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I’d try to fix this before Christmas or any long holiday you intend to spend with your parents, though.
M
maryjk
Guest
Putting it off sounds like a good idea.
UNTIL, you realize that you posted here about telling them back in March of 2012.
It has been over *two years. *
You need to realize that you will never find the perfect time.
UNTIL, you realize that you posted here about telling them back in March of 2012.
It has been over *two years. *
You need to realize that you will never find the perfect time.
B
boomerang
Guest
Oh wow. That sounds like a very difficult situation. Have you thought about taking beta blockers for your anxiety? And have you considered telling your parents through a letter? Letters are a lot easier than face-to-face conversations. Perhaps you can enlist an intermediary to speak to them after they get the letter, so you don’t have to confront them.
Also, if I’m not being too nosy, can you tell us how you came to the Catholic Church despite your anti-Catholic family history? Good luck to you.
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heidi_storage
Guest
What about writing to your parents–snail mail or email? If they call you up to scream, you can immediately end the call.
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sallybutler
Guest
And I thought Irish Catholic mothers were bad.
Most of us have difficulties going against our parents, no matter how old we are. And some parents are better at working that anxiety than others. You are not alone in this situation. We don’t all have it quite as severely as you do, but we do have it.
The only thing I can say in defense of your mother is that it sounds like she thinks she is saving you. I happen not to agree with her or what it sounds like her methods are.
Can they stay in a motel? Then you can go to an early mass and meet them for brunch. You can also be more in control of how much time you spend in her presence.
Most of us have difficulties going against our parents, no matter how old we are. And some parents are better at working that anxiety than others. You are not alone in this situation. We don’t all have it quite as severely as you do, but we do have it.
The only thing I can say in defense of your mother is that it sounds like she thinks she is saving you. I happen not to agree with her or what it sounds like her methods are.
Can they stay in a motel? Then you can go to an early mass and meet them for brunch. You can also be more in control of how much time you spend in her presence.
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nodito
Guest
“Mom, you’re welcome to come visit, but I’d like you to know that I’m Catholic now, so I’ll be going to Church on my own this Sunday. I really don’t want to discuss religion with you. If that’s going to be a problem then maybe we should postpone your visit here.”
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Xantippe
Guest
Very good!
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thequeen
Guest
I had this same issue with my own mother coming from a pentecostal church of god background I totally understand your concerns I would suggest that you go about you life as always. Tell your parents that you are an adult now and this is how you have chosen to worship. I had to tell my own mother that my father had passed by the time I had converted my mother eventually accepted the fact that I had become Catholic.
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thequeen
Guest
That is so true about never finding the perfect time.Putting it off sounds like a good idea.
UNTIL, you realize that you posted here about telling them back in March of 2012.
It has been over *two years. *
You need to realize that you will never find the perfect time.
D
DarkLight
Guest
I’m not looking for a perfect time though, just a time where I’m not going to spend hours hyperventilating and most likely make myself throw up trying, and then end up failing anyways because I can’t breathe well enough to do things…
J
jmcrae
Guest
If it hasn’t happened in the past two years then it’s unlikely to happen at all. Unless you want to be stressing about this for the rest of your life, you need to get it over and done with. Bring whatever you need for the medical side of it, and just do it.
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DarkLight
Guest
Honestly at this point I’m half wondering if she’s even going to be there as part of my life for long…
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Xantippe
Guest
There’s always that option, and you may eventually wish to explain that to your mom (ideally in brief letter form).
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Irishmom2
Guest
This is what I was going to say.
Do this by phone before she comes so it is all out in the open. If she gets nasty about it, just say good bye then, and hang up.
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DarkLight
Guest
I just don’t know how. I’ve picked up the phone many times and put it down because I’m too choked up to do it. I’m terrified to tell her so much as that I dyed my hair because I know how much she hates black - even that one took months to bring up. I don’t know how to push past the mental blocks I put up for 24 years to keep me safe now that they’re causing trouble.
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Irishmom2
Guest
Perhaps it would help you if you sat down and wrote out what you want to say to her. Then, either read them as notes, or just say, mom, I have something I need to say. Please do not interrupt me. It is hard for me, but there are things I need to tell you.
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DarkLight
Guest
What I want to say or what I should say? Because what I really want to say is “Quit justifying disrespect because you’re a parent, stop with the cliche’s, and actually give me a chance to have an adult discussion with you rather than shutting me down every time I disagree.” Which is why the religion issue hasn’t come up yet…I figure it’s going to be a storm that comes up in every single conversation for at least a year once it does. In some ways I’d rather her just find out because it would be easier to tell her why I didn’t say anything.
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Irishmom2
Guest
Aren’t what you want to say and what you should say really one in the same thing? Maybe you might have to tone it down just a bit, but you can make your point all the same.
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Xantippe
Guest
It’s not like your conversations with her are normally that enjoyable. It might even be nice to have something substantive to disagree about for a change rather than, say, your taste in clothes.
I suggest drafting the letter and pulling it out and editing it periodically, making it shorter, simpler and clearer every time.
You might eventually get to something like this:
Dear Mom:
I’ve been Catholic for some time now and I thought I should tell you now.
Love,
DarkLight
I’d suggest familiarizing her with the idea that you are willing to hear her out once on any discussion (wrapping it up once she starts to repeat herself), but that she only gets the one try, one bite at the apple. (You might wish to explain that in advance.) If she starts a second attempt at the same issue, you can say something like, “Mom, we’ve already had this discussion. Is there anything else for us to talk about or are we done talking now?”
If she talks about disrespect, try the same thing. “Mom, I am happy to hear one talk from you about the respect that an adult child owes a parent. I will hear you out–you get 10 minutes. That’s all. After that, if you start the same talk again, I will have to ask if you have anything else to talk about or if we are done talking today.”
If you can bear it, you might want to keep a log of lectures you’ve listened to since starting the program (appropriate dress, respect for parents, religion, etc.).
Best wishes!
O
otjm
Guest
Panic or no panic, it is here and now, and lying has no place in your faith walk.
It is very simple; there is never an argument except that there are two people. If they get on your case, very quietly wait until they take a breath and say (and if you absolutely cannot say it, write it out): These are the facts. I am a Catholic. You are my parents, and I love you deeply, This is not a topic for discussion now, or any time in the future, if you want to disparage or tear down the Church, or me.
I would love to have you come visit; but it will be on those terms, or you will not be welcome back. I understand you believe the Church is terribly wrong; I have found differently. If you do not wish to hear bout that, I will respect that but you will respect me too, or you will not be welcome back.
The ball is now in your court.
Then give them the space they need to make a decision. If they start in on you, walk away. Don’t argue; don’t try to convince them; simply walk off and give them the space and time to think it over.
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