Parents, did I handle this situation okay?

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lovedance4ever

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One month ago, my friend (we will call her Beth) who is 16, was going to spend the night at my home. She is like a little sister to me, and we WERE very close. I actually started babysitting for her family eight years ago, and we all formed a tight bond, like siblings.

Anyhow, she is DESPERATE for male attention. Two years ago (and I recently discovered this), she had a long distance “boyfriend” who fantasized about rape and told her about it. She was not only close to him, but also with his four other guy friends. They educated her on sex, taught her vulgar language, and just basically…well, that’s when the change in her began. Thankfully, she broke up with that guy after seeing through his trifling ways, and was depressed for a long time about being single.

Now comes the sleepover. She asked if we could Skype with her guy friend from music class, and I figured it was okay since she knew him in person, and I also assumed that her parents would be okay with it since she has known him for a while. Plus, I also assumed that she had matured. But of course, you know what they say about assuming…

First, he asked Beth if he could try out a pickup line on her. She giggled and said yes. “If you were a door, I’d slam you.” He then said something along the lines of wanting to perform oral sex on me.

I was fit to be tied and ended the conversation. I told her that he was NOT the type of guy to pursue. And that is when all the “fun” began.

She has become snotty, disrespectful and arrogant of me. Her younger sister agrees with her after knowing that something untoward had happened, and Beth has managed to turn both her sister and brother against me. “Christa has NO idea what she’s talking about. That guy’s amazing!”

Okay, so after speaking with my older sister (who is a mother of three children around that age) she told me that the best thing to do, would be to tell her parents. And so I did.

Tonight rolled around, and I was due to babysit. They were hostile to me right off the bat, but I tried so hard to be pleasant. That did not last for too long. I picked Beth and her sister up from music lessons, then I picked their brother up from karate. After taking them home, they starting whispering things about me, and about something that took place between Beth and that guy, which worried me…I do not know what it was and they wouldn’t tell me. I’m tempted to think that they were just trying to provoke me.

Beth then revealed that she was carrying on a secret relationship with that guy even after her parents said that she couldn’t (knowing what I told them). At this point, I figured that we’d get some housework done to blow off some steam. I assigned her sister and brother to emptying the dishwasher, and then Beth would fill it.

Beth then disappeared. Well, when I went upstairs to use the restroom, I heard her chatting and laughing. She was SKYPING with him! I was furious. So I calmly said that she was to end the conversation and come downstairs to finish her chores. “Five more minutes.” When I opened my mouth, my parents came out.

The following situation ensued:
I head downstairs to find Beth’s sister staring at me
-Where’s Beth?
-She’s skyping with her boyfriend.
-Well DON’T go bothering her. She doesn’t get to talk with him much, so I’ll do her chores. said in such a rude manner
-You most certainly will NOT. You will go sit down.
-But…
-NOW.
I go back upstairs.
-Five minutes is up. Come down now.
-I’m coming in just a sec.
-Not “just a sec.” NOW.

At this point, I was really yelling. The kids were shocked, as I have never, ever raised my voice to them in the eight years I have been babysitting for their family. I’m pretty sure my eyes were popping out of my head. She seriously looked frightened of me. I did not start the evening off planning on this, but these kids think they can walk all over me. And it was about time to show them that they couldn’t.

Beth’s sister decided that it would be funny to play the piano as loudly as possible to drown me out. But I put a stop to that.

Then I had a discussion with Beth. I said something along the lines of:

“You are sixteen years old, and I do not have much say about who you choose to date. But honestly, this is NOT the guy for you. Not only did you let him disrespect you, but you also sat there and watched him disrespect me, like it was some sort of game. If it were the other way around and he had said that to you, I would have dropped him like a hot potato. Those are serious red flags. ‘If you were a door, I’d slam you.’ Beth, you are not a door. You are a woman. He is the type of guy who looks at you like you are a slab of meat, nothing more. And I do not want to see you hurt.” She said nothing and remained silent for the rest of the evening.

I am exhausted, frazzled, confused, and hurt. It was more trying than what I can actually type out on here. It was horrific; a constant battle to keep them from constantly needling me, insulting me, and most importantly (and worst of all), going behind their parents’ backs.

What on earth can I do? I am just a babysitter…I don’t want to overstep my bounds and irritate her parents, but at the same time I feel like this boy is a danger. She told me that he is “such a physical guy.” He’s kissed her, held her hand, and loves to hug her. Well, I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. This boy has only one thing in mind.

What MORE can I do? Do I continue to report these things to her parents? The secret relationship? The fact that she has drawn her siblings into it? I don’t get paid enough for this job. lol

-Christa
 
I believe you should “retire” from this babysitting position. It has become abusive and complicated and the parents should be involved in such issues as boyfriends.
Mary.
 
lovedance4ever said:
…Beth then revealed that she was carrying on a secret relationship with that guy even after her parents said that she couldn’t (knowing what I told them

…She said nothing and remained silent for the rest of the evening…

I am exhausted, frazzled, confused, and hurt…What on earth can I do? I am just a babysitter…I don’t want to overstep my bounds and irritate her parents, but at the same time I feel like this boy is a danger. She told me that he is “such a physical guy.” He’s kissed her, held her hand, and loves to hug her. Well, I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. This boy has only one thing in mind.

What MORE can I do? Do I continue to report these things to her parents? The secret relationship? The fact that she has drawn her siblings into it? I don’t get paid enough for this job. lol

-Christa
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Yes, you tell her parents. You don’t get paid enough for this job, but parents need the help of friends of the family like you. If they back you up and you can stick in there, do it. If they don’t or you can’t, then quit. Good sitters with experience are pure gold; you will not have a hard time finding work.

She was quiet for awhile…maybe you made her mad, maybe you set her to thinking. I’m thinking it was both. If she is not stupid, deep down she knows you are right. It makes her mad, because she wants what she wants, but she knows you are right. If she is stupid, it is still bothering that she can’t come up with a rebuttal to your charge that this guy is no prize. He’s a jerk, and there is not a thing she can do to refute that. Even having that little burr under her saddle is a good thing. When this begins to dawn on her, it will dawn on her sooner because of you.

Reassure her that she is not going through something that other good women have never gone through. Of course she enjoys someone who acts as if he’s flattering her–most of us do! She just needs to realize that flattery isn’t worth a dollop of insult as the price of getting it. Attention isn’t worth being undervalued. Just tell her that every woman who has gone through it would rather have learned what you’re telling her the easy way instead of the hard way. There are enough things that we each will learn the hard way; the more things we learn the easy way, the better. This is very high on that notorious list!
 
It’s funny to read this. Another young girl discovers how attractive brash bad boys are. Pretty soon she’ll be figuring out that it could hurt, but that will probably not stop her from going back again. I think Taylor Swift wrote a song about it “I knew you were trouble”.

I also like how some little punks on the internet taught her about sex instead of her mother. As far as I can see from that glaring fact the parents are completely inept and you should feel entitled to direct her away from this punk as much as you can.

Happy Valentine’s day everybody!
 
I wondered why a sixteen year old’s siblings would need a baby sitter, but it seems that she does not drive. Do you also babysit the siblings when they are just at home? If so, then the parents do not trust her. If they just need a ride, then you can just drop them off and let her babysit. This is one option.

It is very nice that you care enough for her to step in. Teenage drama and the things that go along with it are not the responsibility of a younger child’s babysitter, even though she seems to need a babysitter more than her siblings. It is way too complicated. You can tell her parents this, and stop babysitting until this ends. Also the parents should look into having the sixteen year old become more heavily involved in healthy activities-such as sports, dance, and things to keep her mind off boys and increase self esteem, but that’s another thread-
 
If i was you i would definately tell the parents about everything went on…about the way they were disobedient and disrespectfull to you…about how the 16 year old was caught skyping the boy and how her siblings are siding with her and covering for her…

Id tell the parents everything…dont leave anything out…when the parents hire you to take care of their kids your loyalty is to the parents not to the kids…

Then id tell the parents that you serously dont think you can carry on doing the job with all the hassle and disrespect for what they pay you and that they may need to find another babysitter
 
MaryT777 said:
I believe you should “retire” from this babysitting position. It has become abusive and complicated and the parents should be involved in such issues as boyfriends.
Mary.
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i agree with this 1000% you have enough problems at school and your own parents you do not need to be mixed up with this. tell the parents the problems with all the kids and then resign from working with them and don’t get sucked into all the issues and staying on.
 
A baby sitters job is to make sure there is no physical danger to the kids and to offer company to someone who is old enough to fix their own meal yet young enough to feel uncomfortable alone in the house. Morals and ethics are the job of the parents. Most parents choose a babysitter with good enough morals that they will not be a negative influence on the kids.

As for learning about sex on the internet and wanting to Skype with a boy that is so disrespectful shows that somewhere along the line, these parents did something wrong. I do not judge them since I don’t know the whole story. However, at 16 to expect a babysitter who is not all that much older than the teenager to be the one to implement morals is totally inappropriate.

There are 2 possible scenarios

a- These parents realize they messed up and now they are trying to get you to fix it. Which is basically them shirking their responsibilities and making you do their job. Which you should not do

b- These parents don’t care what their kid is doing.

In either case, you have the right to set your standards and the standards of behaviour of kids you look after. I would simply tell their parents : 'When I am in charge, I have a certain set of morals that I want respected. There will be no skyping, no whispering behind my back and no rude talk to me. It is your responsibility to explain to your children the rules and enforce consequences for their disobedience. When your kids misbehaviour and I say ‘I will tell your parents’ your children should know beyond a shadow of a doubt there will be serious consequences to motivate them to immediately stop the behaviour. If you can not get your kids to act like that, I will not be able to continue taking care of them

Honestly, it just sounds like if you stick around, they will drag you down to their lever

Angie
 
Anglewannabe said:
A baby sitters job is to make sure there is no physical danger to the kids and to offer company to someone who is old enough to fix their own meal yet young enough to feel uncomfortable alone in the house. Morals and ethics are the job of the parents. Most parents choose a babysitter with good enough morals that they will not be a negative influence on the kids.

As for learning about sex on the internet and wanting to Skype with a boy that is so disrespectful shows that somewhere along the line, these parents did something wrong. I do not judge them since I don’t know the whole story. However, at 16 to expect a babysitter who is not all that much older than the teenager to be the one to implement morals is totally inappropriate.

There are 2 possible scenarios

a- These parents realize they messed up and now they are trying to get you to fix it. Which is basically them shirking their responsibilities and making you do their job. Which you should not do

b- These parents don’t care what their kid is doing.

In either case, you have the right to set your standards and the standards of behaviour of kids you look after. I would simply tell their parents : 'When I am in charge, I have a certain set of morals that I want respected. There will be no skyping, no whispering behind my back and no rude talk to me. It is your responsibility to explain to your children the rules and enforce consequences for their disobedience. When your kids misbehaviour and I say ‘I will tell your parents’ your children should know beyond a shadow of a doubt there will be serious consequences to motivate them to immediately stop the behaviour. If you can not get your kids to act like that, I will not be able to continue taking care of them

Honestly, it just sounds like if you stick around, they will drag you down to their lever

Angie
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If you’re still hiring a sitter when your oldest is 16, it is because they still need moral supervision. Yes, the sitter and the parents need to be on the same page about what behavior the sitter will not or must not tolerate, and what kind of authority the sitter has. Otherwise, just forget it, because they cannot possibly be paying enough for that kind of angst.
 
If I were you, I would sit down with the parents, inform them that she is continuing to see the boyfriend, and let them handle it however they see fit. And then I would tell them that they needed to find another babysitter.

It sounds like you have enough going on at home to deal with; you don’t need all of this too. Any 16 year old who still has a “babysitter” isn’t going to like being treated like a child by someone not much older than her, no matter how much she is acting like one. This needs to be handled by her parents, and if they feel that she needs supervision, they need to hire someone older who isn’t friends with her.

Keep in mind that she’s acting like a normal teenager. She likes the attention. Maybe the boy is trouble (he sounds like an immature little punk, but not that different from a lot of teenage boys) but she is the one making the choice to be involved with him, too. Maybe what you said to her will sink in eventually, but I don’t think you can be both her friend and her babysitter. She might learn the hard way that this kid is no good, and that’s too bad, but it’s up to her parents to lead her down the path they want for her.
 
You not only handled it “ok”, you handled it very well. You can be proud of yourself for standing your ground and not letting them walk over you.

You’re on track to be a very good parent some day.
 
Anglewannabe said:
…

There are 2 possible scenarios

a- These parents realize they messed up and now they are trying to get you to fix it. Which is basically them shirking their responsibilities and making you do their job. Which you should not do

b- These parents don’t care what their kid is doing…
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In defense of the parents, if they didn’t care they wouldn’t be paying for supervision.

As for scenario (a), some people either don’t mature very fast or else go through a period during their adolescent brain rewiring when their common sense just does not show up for work. I have seen this with very good parents, although usually with only one or two of their children. At any rate, when you recognize you have a teen who cannot be trusted, that does not mean you are to blame. Teens are independent moral actors, and they are capable of ignoring their formation and going prodigal, even with the best of upbringing. There are even some among the most diligent families who can attest to this, I am sure, including the Amish, who can hardly be faulted for failing to provide moral guidance.

The thing that speaks the best for the parents is that the young woman was trying to use her time with her sitter as an opportunity to do what her parents do not allow. If the parents did not care, there would be no boundary to cross or else the girl would cross it when it was not being guarded so well as this friend of hers has done.
 
SED said:
You not only handled it “ok”, you handled it very well. You can be proud of yourself for standing your ground and not letting them walk over you.

You’re on track to be a very good parent some day.
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I cannot tell you how much that means to me. I needed to hear that, I think. Thank you so much. God bless.
 
EasterJoy said:
The thing that speaks the best for the parents is that the young woman was trying to use her time with her sitter as an opportunity to do what her parents do not allow. If the parents did not care, there would be no boundary to cross or else the girl would cross it when it was not being guarded so well as this friend of hers has done.
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If that is genuinely the case, then it means they are paying a babysitter to ensure she does not Skype will they are not at home. If this 16 year old Skyped in full view of the sitter knowing the sitter would tell her parents, it means the 16 year old is not scared of the consequences. I take that to mean the parents are failing at enforcing consequences.

Even if I am wrong, I still think it is way too much responsibility for a girl in her early 20s to take on. Actually, I think it is too much responsibility for anyone at any age to take on. Why the parents don’t just hide the computer under lock and key is beyond me. Either way, I think the OP should just walk away because she deserve better

Angie
 
I would pay a fortune to have a babysitter like you!

I am sure the seeds you planted in the hearts of those kids will bear fruit one day. They will know you cared enough about them (even the younger one watching you with the older one) to teach them to have more respect for themselves, as well as their parents’ rules.

BRAVO!!! Yes, tell the parents. If they never have you back, the lasting lesson you left behind is excellent and you can be at peace about it. If they have you back, they clearly need the help. Teenage girls can be tough.

side note, if the parents express needing more guidance: Meg Meeker (Catholic) wrote a book with excellent reviews - Strong Fathers Strong Daughters - that gives Biblical advice on how to raise girls. When I read this story of the girl wanting a gross guy’s attention, it reminded me of that book. Girls need male attention. Daddy is the best one to give it to her and show her what standards she should have in a boyfriend!
 
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