Parents disapprove of engagement/marriage

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laurenrachelle

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Please help us, we are experiencing a lot of pressure from my fiance’s parents to not marry and it is putting a great strain on us. We would greatly appreciate advice of devout Catholics…

My fiance and I are planning to get married next year in March (8 months from now). We met a year ago through CatholicMatch.com and are both devout Catholics, committed to our faith, prayer and sacraments. We pray together often, striving to bring one another closer to God through mass and confession and knowledge. We are both in our early twenties and will be 21 and 22 when we marry. We are saving ourselves for marriage and pray daily for one another and with each other. We are currently long distance and live 1,000 miles apart, though we have been together for roughly 1.5 months in person visiting each other every 2 months, and have logged close to 2 weeks of talk on Skype, in addition to daily texting, phone calls, etc.

*HIM: *My fiance is a first born child, really motivated and dedicated. He just finished his Bachelors and is going to be hired on with an incredible job either this fall or next spring depending on the hiring pool. He currently has a good job, which could support us both, though this isn’t his dream job.

ME: I am the oldest child, with 3 younger siblings. I have my Associates and am working as a Nursing Assistant. I make fairly decent money, but my hours have been diminished so I am currently job hunting.

My parents were very excited for us, they have gotten to know him a lot. He’s a part of our family and talked about often. They are excited for us, support us emotionally and spiritually, and feel that we will have a beautiful marriage. We are both so committed to one another. We have started Marriage Prep through my church, gone on a marriage retreat, taken NFP classes and met with our priest and mentor couple several times. It’s been going great, and I’ve only felt more and more like this is where God wants me and increased confidence in our engagement and future marriage. I love my fiance with all my heart and though I am excited for marriage, I know it will be work and not always easy. We are both willing to put forth the work into our relationship and marriage, and understand that love changes over time and is self-giving, self-sacrificing and many times difficult. We are both so excited though for the journey we feel the Lord is calling us to go on together in marriage.

Our issue is with his side of the family. They are adamant against us getting married, here are their concerns.


  1. *]We are too young and should wait 3+ more years.
    *]We don’t have enough life experience.
    *]We won’t be able to support ourselves and will be poor.
    *]I will hold him back from getting a good job and progressing in his career.
    *]We don’t know each other well enough because we are long distance.
    *]I might get sick and then he would be burdened to take care of me.
    *]I am not of their heritage (Polish).
    *]We should wait until we are established in our careers with good jobs and have no student loans.
    *]I will not be an adequate wife and am pushing him into marriage.
    *]Everyone else is dating for years and no one is engaged.

    PLEASE HELP US!
    Are we really too young/immature to get married?
    Should we not get married or hold off our wedding?
    How should we approach and talk to his parents?
    Any advice moving forward or articles which may be helpful?
 
*Additional information which goes along with fiance’s parents concerns…
*
1= They think that because we are young, we are too immature to be making this life decision even though we are both extremely mature, being told by our Marriage Prep “mentor couple” that we seem much older. We both are mature in our faith, as well being first born children. They also claim that the church teaches that you should wait 3 years before marriage, which we have not found any documents to support this claim, but many against it.
2= I have spent a year serving as a missionary, done other missionary work, volunteer in my parish and youth group, have several years of college completed and though I am not considered old by almost any standards, I have often been told I have an old soul. I have lived a great almost 21 years now and the Lord has taken me on many amazing adventures and experiences. My fiance who is nearly 22 currently, has had a lot of life experience as well. He is incredibly mature and has finished his bachelors at the top of his class and then gotten an incredible job opportunity which will advance his career by 7-10 years. He has done quite a bit of traveling and has a truly beautiful relationship with the Lord and constantly strives to know Christ more and learn more.
3= My fiance and I are both really smart with our fiances and have no credit card debt. We have both budgeted it out (my fiance is great with money and we are both really frugal to begin with), and we can support ourselves on his current job without me working. If we are both working, we should be making enough to put quite a bit into savings each month after marriage. I would need to find a job near him after marriage though, as we don’t live near each other.
4= Pretty simple, they feel I will hold him back and that he will never reach his full potential and reach his dreams because of marriage. I fully support him in his career, encourage him and am so proud of him, I want him to do what he loves and his career is important to him so I am willing to make sacrifices so he can achieve it. My fiance feels though that family is more important than a job and his parents think his priorities should be different currently.
5= We are in a long distance relationship, and as stated above in description, we have spent a significant amount of quality time together in person and with our families, so we know their is chemistry, but also long enough to have gotten past those “butterfly” feelings. We talk very frequently and are in one another’s lives as much as we can be daily without it becoming a obsession. Our love for one another has really changed over this past year, and unfortunately his parents have not been able to see our relationship grow and change because we have not been able to spend a lot of time with them, and they don’t see us together, nor do they see how frequently we talk.
6= I might end up having some disease or health issue and he’d have to take care of me. They are so concerned about this and it really hurt me to have them bring up my physical appearance in the past saying to my fiance that I am chubby, (I am a healthy 140lbs and though I am not too toned, I am not even close to fat). My feet also are turned slightly inward (Intoeing/Pigeon Toed), which is minor and my doctors have looked at this and are not concerned. They feel though that my feet are extremely severe and caution my fiance to marry me because of this.
7= My fiance’s parents are immigrants of Poland and my fiance is 100% Polish so their heritage is very important. I am not really Polish at all, besides maybe 1%, and am primarily Irish (50%), mixed in with Danish (10%), Norwegian (10%), French (5%) and a few others… aka European Mutt. Though they won’t outright say that they don’t like me because I am not polish, we would likely be in a very different position with his parents if I was.
8= They want us to wait longer until we both have established careers, lives and are debt free (I have a little more than $5,000 in student loans which currently has no interest though I am currently making payments on it, and we calculated we can pay it off entirely in our first year of marriage, with extra saved up).
9= My fiance’s parents came over to his house while I was there visiting. He was at work so I decided to clean his apartment, do his laundry and dishes before his parents came over, while also getting myself ready. I didn’t make a meal for him, as he had food in his fridge ready to heat up and also hadn’t ate. His parents came over just as he got back from work and he said he was “starving.” His parents later brought this up, claiming I was inconsiderate because I didn’t think to have a meal ready for him when he returned…
10= None of my fiance’s friends are married or engaged. Most of his friends are unfortunately co-habitating with their boyfriends/girlfriends and not practicing Catholicism or any form of Christianity.
 
laurenrachelle said:
PLEASE HELP US!
Are we really too young/immature to get married?
Should we not get married or hold off our wedding?
How should we approach and talk to his parents?
Any advice moving forward or articles which may be helpful?
Click to expand...
There are many complex issues here but it all boils down to one thing:

To be mature enough to get married, you have to be mature enough to make your own adult decisions.

Conversely…

If you can’t make these decisions for yourselves, and the pressure of family weighs on you too heavily, then you are not ready for marriage. The fact that you are considering caving in to their pressure is concerning. Give these issues due consideration, and respect the opinions of your and his parents, and then make your own decisions. It’s your life, as adults now, and you make your own decisions. Don’t live other people’s mistakes.
 
Seems they want you to wait forever. As for—“you might get sick and he would be burdened to take care of you” what is wrong with his parents? He might get sick and you would be burdened with him. You are becoming a nurse afterall so that is good.

It may be good for both of you to get through the “infatuation stage” though, no matter what his parents are saying but you say you have. Maybe, maybe not, after a year of long distance dating.

I think you both need to have long discussions. Can you both survive his folks’ attitude? Will you be living near them? How much does he listen to their advice and does he seem to be very close to them? Is he controlled by them or can he be independent?

My sister had a long distance romance and they just celebrated their 50th anniversary so not saying it is impossible. Their parents didn’t intervere with them though. I have seen divorces when the parents don’t support the couple. I would not live near people who would constantly criticise me.

Personally, I would give it more time to see what he does when dealing with his parents. I think you need some situations where his parents put you down and see if he holds up and supports you over them. It does say in the bible that we are to marry and leave our home to cling to our spouse and put them first. I hope he is mature enough to do this. Time will tell.
 
LaurenRachelle

It is natural for parents to worry, but there is a limit to how that should be expressed.
You and your fiance will need to respectfully establish firm boundaries

You are both adults, and have the right to choose whom, and when, you will marry.

Perhaps the real question is, can you handle being part of a family where you fiance/husband’s parents are controlling and negative. They are rude and disrespectful as well as intrusive and overpowering, as you describe them

And does your intended stand up to them for you both. That is an important question to resolve. If not much misery awaits you
He has been raised by these people, so how much has he been affected by their outlook and behavior?

Even if you marry, which is your right and decision….they’ve had their own time, chose whom they wished to marry, why deny that to you two.

It sounds as if your in-laws might be a nightmare for you even if you marry, including when you have children.
In your situation I would consider relocating away from them if possible.

May God guide and bless you both
 
**We are too young and should wait 3+ more years.
**
You are young but I’ve met a few people over 30 years old who are immature/still live at home/live from pay cheque to pay cheque/druggies/long term unemployed etc etc etc. You two appear to be independent and make sound, mature and responsible decisions. You think things through prior to making decisions from your fiance committing to study and taking marriage preparation classes etc. I know two couples who married at the same age as you and they have lasted 30 years and 21 years. Only the two of you can make the decision. Others should not be involved in any way and they should support your decision.

**We don’t have enough life experience.
**
I’m never sure what people mean when they use that phrase “you don’t have enough life experience”. Do they mean you have had other relationships or you need to have more sexual experiences or you need to live on the wild side of life? Do you need to smoke dope, do drugs or hit the nightclubs? What exactly does that phrase mean? You have/had jobs, pay your bills and are responsible adults who obviously think things through prior to making decisons and you love each other.

**We won’t be able to support ourselves and will be poor.
**
Sounds like your fiancee has some good prospects on the job front from what you have described. You haven’t got a job atm which may be their concern. I’m thinking his parents are also concerned about babies to come. Children cost a lot but if you budget well, stick to it and don’t spend on unnecessary items it can work.

**I will hold him back from getting a good job and progressing in his career.
**
You will love him and support him. He will have someone to confide in etc. Who’s to say you don’t decide to pursue studies and become a professional alongside him.

**We don’t know each other well enough because we are long distance.
**
That is a good point and only the two of you would be able to answer that. Having said that some people have been married for 50years and still don’t know each other.

I might get sick and then he would be burdened to take care of me.

In sickness and in health. I’m sure his parents took that vow themselves when they got married.

I am not of their heritage (Polish).

Now they are just scraping the bottom of the barrel.

We should wait until we are established in our careers with good jobs and have no student loans.

Valid points for you two to discuss if you haven’t already. The two of you will have to draw up a financial plan. I am a huge fan of plans, budget plan, holiday plan, fitness plan, weekly meal plan, tax time plan, 5 year plan, daily plan, monthly plan, yearly plan…Yes I know I have a problem but they WORK… at least for me 😃

I will not be an adequate wife and am pushing him into marriage.

He is an adult, he can make his own decisions and has been making his own decisions since he was 18yo. How do they know for sure that you will be an inadequate wife?

Everyone else is dating for years and no one is engaged"

I don’t know if that is an option you would be willing to entertain. If delaying a wedding is not what you want to do then don’t do it. If you want to get married, why delay…your fiancee needs to man up and have a serious discussion with them.
 
From the way you have described your situation you both seem very ready to marry. In generations past you would not have been considered too young at all. Perhaps his parents are uneasy because of the long distance situation? Do they feel that they do not really know you and therefore they need you to extend the engagement? Would it help to move the wedding date off by 6 months to give them more opportunity to get to know you and calm down about their only son marrying? Try to really get to know his parents/family and be very respectful. They may feel quite threatened right now and although it’s irrational you need to help them through it. Talk to a priest about this for guidance ASAP.
 
laurenrachelle said:
Please help us, we are experiencing a lot of pressure from my fiance’s parents to not marry and it is putting a great strain on us. We would greatly appreciate advice of devout Catholics…

…PLEASE HELP US!
Are we really too young/immature to get married?
Should we not get married or hold off our wedding?
How should we approach and talk to his parents?
Any advice moving forward or articles which may be helpful?
Click to expand...
Your fiance’s parents will probably continue to disapprove of a lot of things.

So, listen to their concerns, thank them for sharing their concerns, discuss them with your fiance, pray, pray some more, and make your decision with your fiance.

Honoring our parents is one thing. Allowing them to pressure us to make decisions as adults is another. Ask your fiance to talk with his parents about easing up on the pressure. They need to respect your freedom as adults to make decisions.

As for whether they like you or not, let it bounce off. You know your own goodness. In future years, when your children want to marry someone you’re not crazy about, you’ll know how not to act.
 
From what you write, the two of you seem very ready, except for allowing your fiance’s parents too much weight in your decision. Yes, they are pressuring you two, and your fiance needs to step up and explain to them that they are doing that and need to stop.

I have known 2 mothers from “the old country,”, altho much older than your fiance’s parents. They never quite got what is going on socially in that they never accepted certain major social changes and always had a somewhat materialist point of view, down to being something of snobs related to social class. They really wanted their children to do things that would make *them *proud; they seemed to want to be able to brag to their friends. They interfered and drove their children a little crazy, esp those who didn’t follow their party lines.

I hope that your fiance will be able to sort all this out with them so that they will not be a burden to your marriage. You sound like a wonderful person and both of you seem to have your heads on straight, so maybe someone can help you two make a plan that you will feel comfortable with.

ETA: I guess what I am saying is that to me, it seems like they have the problem, that it isn’t that they see something about your relationship with each other but that it doesn’t suit *them. *
 
Don’t just have your Fiancé talk to them.
He needs to tell them to back off!

These are ridiculous statements. Just about all of them. The only one I might give them some leeway on is the two of you not knowing each other well enough.
But this isn’t their relationship. It’s yours.

If you feel ready…then build those so-called “life experiences” together…as a couple.

If he doesn’t put his foot down with them and tell them to leave him alone about this decision and set up some boundaries…then they will be an issue for the rest of your lives.

Remember…these are his parents. Not yours. He is an adult now and let this be the first major decision of his adult life. If he can’t stand up to them and give them perimeters then he isn’t marrying material.

I’m dead serious about this. You are adults. Your parents are no longer responsible for you. You are both employed. You have both discussed and prayed about this.

If you are both ready for marriage…the first step is to tell make sure the in-laws know you are ready…regardless of what they think.

HE is the one that needs to do this…if it was your parents…it would be your jon to let your parents know what the deal is.

So…have him talk to his parents and let them know…this is your decision and not theirs. If they can’t comply and are going to have issues and opinions then that is too bad for them and you may need to set up some boundaries and consequences for their actions.
 
I agree with all the advice given already - you sound ready enough to marry.

Some of those objections sound fairly illegitimate (like the ‘you’re not Polish’ one) - they’re not something you’d expect a rational person to really care about in this day and age. I wonder if his parents are the type of people who, when they have 1 or 2 legitimate concerns, end up complaining and complaining, finding as much fault or objections as possible, to try to delay or stop the thing they don’t like.

That’s just a guess on my part, and perhaps a bit unfair to characterize someone I’ve never met. But if you feel it’s an accurate assessment, then you can smooth over this relationship with your potentially future-in-laws by finding out what those 1 or 2 real concerns are, addressing those,and ignoring the mountain of silly objections.

Or you can claim you just found out you were part-Polish all along - maybe that will cheer them up. 😉
 
Hello.

I couldn’t presume to tell you what to do either way - am not in your relationship and can’t possibly really know what’s truly in your heart. I’m also not qualified.

My suggestion would be for both you and your fiance to speak with a good, holy, orthodox priest and/or a good solid Catholic therapist.

Perhaps there’s someone at EWTN or Catholic Answers you could contact or who could put you in touch with someone.
 
Everyone has made great points, so I will be brief.

If people waited until they were perfectly prepared and in all ways ready to marry and have children there would be no marriage and our species would have died out! No one is ever totally ready. There is always something not perfect and there is always an obstacle of some sort to overcome. People marry and have babies anyways. They adapt, adjust, work through whatever their challenge is and that is what forges the bonds of marriage and family.

So what if one of you may become ill? So what if one or both of you may not land the dream job? No one’s life is perfect and into every life a little rain must fall.

If you are both certain that marriage is what you were meant to do then tell the family you thank them for their concern and stop it already.
 
If you are in a position to tell the grooms parents to stuff it, then you are mature enough to get married. If you are going to be financially dependent upon them for the wedding and support after the wedding then maybe you are not mature enough to get married.

It sounds like his parents are not ready to cut the apron strings and may not EVER be ready for him to have an independent life. As his wife that will be a burden you will need to be prepared for.

Best advice I could give is when you get married move several hundred miles away from his parents - the further the better. Their meddling and intrusiveness will not end and will instead probably get worse after the wedding.
 
I’ve heard good things about Catholic match site relationships, and you are doing the right and faithful things with the Church.

What else matters?

Jesus said Whoever loves mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife or children more than me is not worthy of me.

You both are in Jesus, so forget about those who detract you. Marry and be happy.

It’s not so complicated. I think you worry too much.
 
If he is ready to marry you, he his ready to tell his parents in no uncertain terms that he is an adult who is marrying next March and they are NEVER to utter another word about this again nor EVER say hurtful things to you again.

Until and unless he can and does do this, he is NOT ready to marry you. Because if he cannot defend you now, cannot control his parents now, cannot think for himself now, it will 100 times worse if you marry.

This is between him and his parents. If they cannot control their behavior he has to be ready and willing to limit contact with them until they can. If he’s not willing to do so, then again, he isn’t really ready to leave and cleave.

You do sound very mature, and so does he. What you two have to realize is that you owe NO explanation to them, hence you should not undertaking coming up with good arguments to the 5 or 6 things you listed. That is the entirely wrong approach.
 
Thank you so much everyone for reading my wall of text and all the great advice. It is truly difficult to be in this situation and I never foresaw something like this happening as I’ve had women in the church ask me to date their sons, and tell me they wish I was their daughter-inlaw.

It’s placed a lot of stress and pressure on our relationship, but I think that we will be able to handle and get past this, becoming even stronger. If we can handle this, we can handle a lot! Though it would be great to receive some financial help with the wedding from his parents, or even mine , we are fully prepared to pay for it ourselves and have the funds to do so, though we are planning our wedding to be pretty simple and without too many people, keeping the costs as low as possible.

I will certainly continue talking to my fiance and show him this forum thread. He is an amazing man, and I am so happy that his parents are so important to him, but I also see how he needs to take a step from them. One of our readings talks about a “husband leaving his father and mother, and clinging to his spouse” and this is the first instance of this for him. He stood up for me amazing well to his parents before though, and it was really emotional for the two of us… We both ended up in tears and it’s been emotionally draining the past few days.
 
In my experience - when people give a lot of reasons for not wanting to do something, there is usually something else going on.

I am concerned that they haven’t just come up with one or two key reasons that they object - rather than a whole litany of things.

I don’t know if you are ready for marriage or not. (I would be somewhat concerned that you haven’t lived in the same place - because when you get to see someone everyday - it can be very different than seeing them on special occasions.

But nonetheless - as others have said. if you are mature enough for marriage - you are mature enough to make the decision yourselves.
 
laurenrachelle said:
Thank you so much everyone for reading my wall of text and all the great advice. It is truly difficult to be in this situation and I never foresaw something like this happening as I’ve had women in the church ask me to date their sons, and tell me they wish I was their daughter-inlaw.

It’s placed a lot of stress and pressure on our relationship, but I think that we will be able to handle and get past this, becoming even stronger. If we can handle this, we can handle a lot! Though it would be great to receive some financial help with the wedding from his parents, or even mine , we are fully prepared to pay for it ourselves and have the funds to do so, though we are planning our wedding to be pretty simple and without too many people, keeping the costs as low as possible.

I will certainly continue talking to my fiance and show him this forum thread. He is an amazing man, and I am so happy that his parents are so important to him, but I also see how he needs to take a step from them. One of our readings talks about a “husband leaving his father and mother, and clinging to his spouse” and this is the first instance of this for him. He stood up for me amazing well to his parents before though, and it was really emotional for the two of us… We both ended up in tears and it’s been emotionally draining the past few days.
Click to expand...
I suggest you drop entirely trying to defend or give “reasons” that counter their list. He is not 10 years old making a list of all the reasons his parents should let him have a puppy.

He is a grown man. His parents need to understand that he is NOT asking for their permission.

They will have to accept his decisions.
 
shainski said:
In my experience - when people give a lot of reasons for not wanting to do something, there is usually something else going on.

I am concerned that they haven’t just come up with one or two key reasons that they object - rather than a whole litany of things.

I don’t know if you are ready for marriage or not. (I would be somewhat concerned that you haven’t lived in the same place - because when you get to see someone everyday - it can be very different than seeing them on special occasions.

But nonetheless - as others have said. if you are mature enough for marriage - you are mature enough to make the decision yourselves.
Click to expand...
Their key reason is finance, they don’t feel it will be smart for us financially or career wise for my fiance. We know financially we can do it, but they don’t seem to listen to this. His mother especially has been extremely emotional in front of us, crying and in a since “pulling every excuse out of the hat” that she can to convince us against it, or at least attempt to plant seeds of doubt. She also told relatives from Poland, who she claimed were “all shocked and disappointed in him” and one said in Poland they suggest “couples wait at least 3 years before marrying”, therefore we need to wait. His dad is much more reasonable though and really only stated he was worried about us financially, but when his mother got into the discussion all the excuses came up and his father sided with the mother, which I expected.

Our view… What are we “waiting” for? We know this marriage is where God wants us, we are confident in this. We love each other and we have the finances to support ourselves and pay for the wedding. It’s still certainly difficult though having to go against his parent’s wishes and I agree with what many have said and he needs to just stand up to them and tell them that marriage is what we are doing, and leave no room for them attempting to “convince” him or I against it.
 
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