Parents disapprove of engagement/marriage

[Kelfa28]

**Our view… What are we “waiting” for? **We know this marriage is where God wants us, we are confident in this. We love each other and we have the finances to support ourselves and pay for the wedding. It’s still certainly difficult though having to go against his parent’s wishes and I agree with what many have said and he needs to just stand up to them and tell them that marriage is what we are doing, and leave no room for them attempting to “convince” him or I against it.

Exactly! What are you waiting for?

Your husband’s parent’s permission? Absolutely not! You are both adults. Act like adults! Just because his parents aren’t ready for him to move on from them doesn’t mean that he is not!

Forget the emotional front. Don’t come up with reasons why. Just tell them this is the deal and it’s happening regardless of how they feel. If they choose to act totally irrational and disown him or some other nonsense…so be it. No wedding invite and no grandchildren they can visit.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

I can only share this with you. I got t off an airing of EWTN retreat show about marriage.

Love and Life in the Divine Plan Family (2011)
Sister Jane Dominic O.P.

"Openness to the mystery of God to lead us away from selfishness. To allow love to be definitive. What good is our marriage vows if they do not cost us anything? In marriage we give what we don’t even have to give- our future. Marriage is the mystery of the limit. God ( who is love ) teaches us the limit. He embraced the limit our human nature In His incarnet limit which had a limit of suffering on the cross to brings with Him into the limitless into the horizon of eternity across the threshold of divine love.

We imitate the way He loves by follow in His footsteps with our wedding vows, “'this one for all my life”. There by in embracing the limit we find entry into the limitless.

Marriage draws us out of ourselves. Those in heaven neither marry nor are given in marriage. This does not mean that your spouse is no longer important to you because it is your spouse who helped you to grow out of that selfish love. Your love was transformed & so in fact you’ll have an even more tender, purified, & deeper love for your spouse. That love will be transformed & taken in most perfectly & completely into Divine Love."

When love seeks to be definitive to the end it embraces the limit. And God himself who is love, he comes to teach us this mystery of loving in the limit. He embraced the limit of our human nature in the incarnation. The limit of suffering on the cross. He was nailed to it died on it. All to bring us with him Into the limitless. Into the horizon of eternity across the threshold of divine love. So we imitate his way of loving we imitate the one who is love … How … By following in his footsteps to embrace the limit into the limitless.

The measure of love is this, the amount of responsibility one takes for the beloved is the measure of love. A husband takes responsibility for his wife, for children; protects & provides. A wife takes responsibility for her husband, her children; nurtures & supports. God takes responsibility for us. He created us. Fell in love with us. Called us to love as he loves. When he turned away he came to suffer & die for us & to redeem us. He continues this work of redemption; this work of love everyday in the Eucharist and the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Celebrated from the rise of the sun to it’s setting. He is here right now for us in the Eucharist in all the tabernacles of the world. He will be here for us until the end of time.

Glory be to the Father, Son, & Holy Spirit. As it was in the begging is now & ever shall be world without end. Amen

 

[Mangaartist]

From what you’re writing at least, it seems that you have thought things through very carefully. Age is not necessarily an indication of maturity.

DH and I were in a very similar situation. His family was delighted, mine… not so much. My mom put endless pressure on me through our 9-month engagement to break it off. When we were visiting, she kicked us out of the house (went to stay with my grandparents after that). Holding on to my decision during those times was tough, but we made it. My mom did not attend the wedding as a protest, but I’ve at least spoken to her a couple of times since.

The rest of my family has come around by now, and they can see that I’m happy. I still think it was the best decision I’ve ever made, and I’, awfully glad I didn’t let my mom ruin it.

 

[St_Francis]

Your fiance’s parents are worried for him, but one of the things I have learned as my children grow up is that while they have to learn to be adult, but I also have to learn to be the parents of adults. Sounds like these parents need to learn that.

For most of history, most couples were unprepared to be married and many married young.
Most cultures actually have a tradition of helping the young couple out in the early years. If you look at how people before the 1960s married, it was the same way: still students or at the beginning of their work and not earning much, living in very inexpensive quarters, etc. And most of those marriages survived than the marriages today where so many people have such high expectations for their married lives.

I hope you will not give a second thought to what your fiance’s mother said, given what you have told us here. She is just having a personal problem with the situation, not with the two of you. As he is the oldest, perhaps she is considering her own mortality or getting older, and that has nothing to do with the two of you and your readiness to marry.

BTW! Congratulations and best wishes!

Their key reason is finance, they don’t feel it will be smart for us financially or career wise for my fiance. We know financially we can do it, but they don’t seem to listen to this. His mother especially has been extremely emotional in front of us, crying and in a since “pulling every excuse out of the hat” that she can to convince us against it, or at least attempt to plant seeds of doubt. She also told relatives from Poland, who she claimed were “all shocked and disappointed in him” and one said in Poland they suggest “couples wait at least 3 years before marrying”, therefore we need to wait. His dad is much more reasonable though and really only stated he was worried about us financially, but when his mother got into the discussion all the excuses came up and his father sided with the mother, which I expected.

Our view… What are we “waiting” for? We know this marriage is where God wants us, we are confident in this. We love each other and we have the finances to support ourselves and pay for the wedding. It’s still certainly difficult though having to go against his parent’s wishes and I agree with what many have said and he needs to just stand up to them and tell them that marriage is what we are doing, and leave no room for them attempting to “convince” him or I against it.

 

[dixieagle]

As other posters have pointed out, it is up to your fiance´ to tell his parents in no uncertain terms that you will, indeed, be marrying… no “ifs, ands, or buts” about it.

It is understandable that, as good a Catholic young man as he is, it would bother him to upset his parents. However, although he must always treat his parents with respect, he is now an adult and must make his own life… which he has chosen to do with you.

No more explanations are necessary. (It sounds as if they don’t have a leg to stand on with regard to any of their objections, anyway.) Time to get on with the wedding plans!

 

[laurenrachelle]

From what you’re writing at least, it seems that you have thought things through very carefully. Age is not necessarily an indication of maturity.

DH and I were in a very similar situation. His family was delighted, mine… not so much. My mom put endless pressure on me through our 9-month engagement to break it off. When we were visiting, she kicked us out of the house (went to stay with my grandparents after that). Holding on to my decision during those times was tough, but we made it. My mom did not attend the wedding as a protest, but I’ve at least spoken to her a couple of times since.

The rest of my family has come around by now, and they can see that I’m happy. I still think it was the best decision I’ve ever made, and I’m awfully glad I didn’t let my mom ruin it.

Sounds similar to our situation. Though his parents didn’t come close to kicking us out, they did threaten that if we didn’t wait longer, they would make my fiance (and I in marriage) start paying them back for his student loans which they paid for, a huge $32,000, which is blackmail as far as I am concerned… It’s so frustrating, but we will pay them back every penny if that’s what they really want.

I am glad to hear that you’re at least able to speak with your mother, how long has it been since you married your DH? Do you think things will change much with your relationship with her in the future?

 

[SMHW]

Our issue is with his side of the family. They are adamant against us getting married, here are their concerns.

1. 
   *]We are too young and should wait 3+ more years.
   *]We don’t have enough life experience.
   *]We won’t be able to support ourselves and will be poor.
   *]I will hold him back from getting a good job and progressing in his career.
   *]We don’t know each other well enough because we are long distance.
   *]I might get sick and then he would be burdened to take care of me.
   *]I am not of their heritage (Polish).
   *]We should wait until we are established in our careers with good jobs and have no student loans.
   *]I will not be an adequate wife and am pushing him into marriage.
   *]Everyone else is dating for years and no one is engaged.
   
   PLEASE HELP US!
   Are we really too young/immature to get married?
   Should we not get married or hold off our wedding?
   How should we approach and talk to his parents?
   Any advice moving forward or articles which may be helpful?

1. 
   It seems to me that your question should not be, “Are we too young/immature to get married?” but rather, “Are we too young/immature be content when we have these parents/inlaws?”
   
   If the answer for either one of you is that you cannot be happy unless the parents are happy, then don’t marry until such time as the parents are happy about it or you stop caring about it.
   
   My guess is that his parents are a lot more concerned about money than either of you realizes. I don’t pretend to know why. It seems as if they have loaned money to your fiance. Perhaps they are counting on getting that money back more than you realize. Maybe they want bragging rights about how big a home their son owns. Maybe they had imagined that your fiance would help out his younger siblings in some way.
   
   In any case, as others have indicated, the way your finance handles the issue with his parents is a big indication as to whether or not he is mature enough to be married.

 

[laurenrachelle]

If the answer for either one of you is that you cannot be happy unless the parents are happy, then don’t marry until such time as the parents are happy about it or you stop caring about it.

Thanks for your response. I can definitely see this as what we will have to do. Honestly I don’t feel like his parents ever will be happy with it until we are both so old they are begging him to get married, or we joke if we got pregnant out of wedlock, but we are firm on saving ourselves for marriage… I think his parents aren’t going to happy if we wait a year, or two years, etc… I agree that both myself and my spouse are going to have to be okay with them not being happy, and if that means them unfortunately disowning him and I, so be it…

My guess is that his parents are a lot more concerned about money than either of you realizes. I don’t pretend to know why. It seems as if they have loaned money to your fiance. Perhaps they are counting on getting that money back more than you realize. Maybe they want bragging rights about how big a home their son owns. Maybe they had imagined that your fiance would help out his younger siblings in some way.

In any case, as others have indicated, the way your finance handles the issue with his parents is a big indication as to whether or not he is mature enough to be married.

I’m not sure that the money aspect is of much importance to them besides a deterrent and bargaining chip they are playing in desperation. They didn’t loan him money, they offered to pay for his student loans from college since they have saved money to pay for his and his younger brother’s college tuition, as they are fairly well off. My parents, on the other hand, can’t help me much at all and I have paid for my college on my own, though I still have some student loan debt, but not much. Both my fiance and his brother are in college now, and his family is financially stable enough to pay for both tuition and have never hinted before that they would hold the money against my fiance or ever ask him to pay it back… It was never a loan, but a gift, until now…

I think bragging rights could be a factor, they certainly want to see him achieve big things in life and I don’t think they feel marriage is one of them. They tell him marriage is like “end all,” “the end of the road” and “you can’t turn back now” view, which is true to an extent because marriage is for life, but they are looking at marriage in such a negative, grim and disappointing way…

 

[1ke]

they did threaten that if we didn’t wait longer, they would make my fiance (and I in marriage) start paying them back for his student loans which they paid for, a huge $32,000, which is blackmail as far as I am concerned… It’s so frustrating, but we will pay them back every penny if that’s what they really want.

If they took out PLUS loans or private student loans, they cannot “make” him pay them anything. Nor “pay back” something they have already paid off.

If they were paying on his Stafford loans, then yes, they can quit paying and he would need to start making payments.

 

[laurenrachelle]

If they took out PLUS loans or private student loans, they cannot “make” him pay them anything. Nor “pay back” something they have already paid off.

If they were paying on his Stafford loans, then yes, they can quit paying and he would need to start making payments.

They paid them off entirely in full because they have the money. They meant that if my fiance proceeded with plans to marry me, he would have to directly pay his parents the money they paid for his loan, even though it was originally a gift. This honestly really saddens me that they are doing that to him, but if that’s what his parents really want we will. We are both taking it as more of a threat, though we are still prepared to pay them back if need be…

 

[Xantippe]

I have more experience with this than I really want to share on a public forum, so I feel for you. As you probably understand, what’s wrong with you is that you want to marry their son, and they aren’t ready. Here are some thoughts:

1. The only area where I think they have a point is that you have never lived in the same city for any length of time. Neither of you is totally settled right now. Could one of you relocate to the other’s area? My suggestion would be to take half a year to get to know each other in a day-to-day sense before doing any wedding planning at all. Take time to cook together, clean together, shop together, do financial planning together (not combining finances, of course), make friends together, entertain together, go to classes together, volunteer together, go to church together, not vacation stuff, but real life stuff. This can be a very special time for you. Don’t let it get eaten up with wedding planning and family tension.
2. Also, if your finances are tight and if it looks like wedding negotiations will be tense with that side of the family, don’t hesitate to have a Catholic “elopement.” For a very moderate sum, you can buy rings, write a check to the priest, buy a dress, buy a bouquet and make a festive lunch for a small group of well-wishers (when my husband and I did that back in the 90s, it cost well under $1,000 to do all of that).
3. Do you have a plan for how you will support a growing family? You should have a large emergency fund to deal with a) your moves and job changes and the interview process b) your wedding c) babies d) the unforeseen. Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University is a very good addendum to a marriage prep program–the budgeting process is excellent for fostering communication and improving marriages. FPU is offered at many churches and I believe there’s an online version available if you are living in different areas at that point.
4. Prepare yourself and your fiance for the fact that his family may never accept you and may never think you’re good enough.
5. This “loan” situation is terrible It’s reprehensible that they believe that they can convert a gift into a loan after the fact. They signed up for the loan and they paid the loan off. It was their loan, 100%. Your fiance has no legal responsibility to pay them. It would be very tempting to tell them to go take a flying leap.

That said, relationally, you may find that it makes sense for your fiance to pay them the money. If that’s the way you want to go, have a lawyer draw up a letter that says something like, “If [fiance] pays $32k, we have no further financial claims on him.” And then get the in-laws to sign it. If they don’t sign it, forget it–you don’t want to put yourselves in a situation where they are continually coming back to you and extorting money from you (“Remember those cute baby shoes you had as a toddler? That was a loan.”) Then, if you choose to go that route, save up $32k as a lump sum, have them give you a receipt, and then keep the signed agreement and the receipt until your dying day. I would not borrow the money from the bank in order to pay them. There’s no reason to turn a fake loan into a real loan. I also suggest that if you choose to go that route, go for the Catholic “elopement” option and explain why to the in-laws–they insisted on taking your wedding money, so that’s what you could afford.

1. Lastly, never entwine your financial affairs with them again, EVER. Don’t ask for a dime for the wedding. If they ever give you financial gifts (it may happen), ask for a letter saying that the money is a gift. With these people, you never know when a gift may retroactively turn into a loan.
2. Make sure you and your fiance are on the same page with all of this stuff. It’s less important what you do than that you are in complete agreement.

 

[1ke]

They paid them off entirely in full because they have the money. They meant that if my fiance proceeded with plans to marry me, he would have to directly pay his parents the money they paid for his loan, even though it was originally a gift. This honestly really saddens me that they are doing that to him, but if that’s what his parents really want we will. We are both taking it as more of a threat, though we are still prepared to pay them back if need be…

Well, I understand wanting to pay them back to avoid a fuss, but legally they probably have no leg to stand on to “make” you pay them anything. Fankly, I have no tolerance for that kind of stuff and I would probably call their bluff if it were me.

 

[Xantippe]

Neither of you should engage with his parents (because it sounds like his mom needs no help at all in going into a tizzy), but my internal monologue would be, “Wait a second–you object to us marrying soon because you think early marriage will stunt his career and impoverish us and your contribution to the situation is to demand $32k if he gets married now. Wouldn’t that be stunting his career and impoverishing us?”

If your fiance has the guts, he may want to consider just refusing to pay. It’s extortion on their part and the cost could genuinely cripple your young family as you will be facing many real expenses in the years ahead (your wedding, relocations, job searches, your student loan, kids, a home purchase). If he can stand it, he might want to tell them to just reduce his inheritance by $32k. The future in-laws will probably be very offended. Let your fiance figure out what he wants to do about the “loan” situation. He will be the one who suffers most if his relationship with his family sours.

By the way, I think class issues probably enter into this. Back in Poland, a nurse is probably not quite as lucrative or as respected a career as it is in the US. Your future in-laws are probably embarrassed that they have to tell their relatives back in the old country that you are “just a nurse.”

 

[Xantippe]

By the way, it’s possible that your prospective in-laws don’t understand how well nurses are paid in the US–I don’t know how things are today in Poland, but traditionally the medical sector has been very low paid in Eastern Europe (although doctors did have high prestige to go with their small salaries). Nurses have traditionally had both low pay and low prestige in Eastern Europe.

 

[Demetra2]

Sounds similar to our situation. Though his parents didn’t come close to kicking us out, they did threaten that if we didn’t wait longer, they would make my fiance (and I in marriage) start paying them back for his student loans which they paid for, a huge $32,000, which is blackmail as far as I am concerned… It’s so frustrating, but we will pay them back every penny if that’s what they really want.

I am glad to hear that you’re at least able to speak with your mother, how long has it been since you married your DH? Do you think things will change much with your relationship with her in the future?

Oh! The money power play. Your future in laws are playing every hand they can to derail your wedding. I am so sorry that you are starting off this way with them. The only thing to do is be confident with your decision to marry and pay for your own wedding and plan to pay back the loan (every cent). They can’t expect you to pay it in one large sum but rather set up a plan to pay it off over time. And in the future do not ask them for financial help because they will use it to control you. Establish boundaries now! You may find that in a few years your MIL will get over her anxiety and you may have a better relationship. Be respectful to them but be mature and firm in your decisions as an adult couple. Good luck and God Bless.

 

[laurenrachelle]

“Wait a second–you object to us marrying soon because you think early marriage will stunt his career and impoverish us and your contribution to the situation is to demand $32k if he gets married now. Wouldn’t that be stunting his career and impoverishing us?”

If your fiance has the guts, he may want to consider just refusing to pay. It’s extortion on their part and the cost could genuinely cripple your young family as you will be facing many real expenses in the years ahead (your wedding, relocations, job searches, your student loan, kids, a home purchase). If he can stand it, he might want to tell them to just reduce his inheritance by $32k. The future in-laws will probably be very offended. Let your fiance figure out what he wants to do about the “loan” situation. He will be the one who suffers most if his relationship with his family sours.

That’s EXACTLY my first thought when I heard them say they would want the 32K! I was like,* Seriously? You hate the idea of us getting married so much that you would attempt to force him to pay back a gift.* I know plenty of couples that marry after college and have a significant amount of student loans, much more than my $6K, so I think we could pay them back eventually, but it wouldn’t make things easier. All I know is, that’s not the kind of parent I ever want to be…

I really hope though that we can all come to some type of joy or at least content-ness before the wedding so that there isn’t a vast amount of tension and negativity on our wedding day, or someone standing up during “Speak now or forever hold your peace!”

By the way, it’s possible that your prospective in-laws don’t understand how well nurses are paid in the US–I don’t know how things are today in Poland, but traditionally the medical sector has been very low paid in Eastern Europe (although doctors did have high prestige to go with their small salaries). Nurses have traditionally had both low pay and low prestige in Eastern Europe.

By the way, I think class issues probably enter into this. Back in Poland, a nurse is probably not quite as lucrative or as respected a career as it is in the US. Your future in-laws are probably embarrassed that they have to tell their relatives back in the old country that you are “just a nurse.”

I am not a nurse, but just working currently as a nursing assistant, which likely has a similar salary to nurses in Poland! But I am a devout Catholic, pray regularly, love mass, volunteer, am a great cook, can keep a house clean, love generously, have a lot of compassion and patience, am great with children, respectful, love my fiance, and am going to do my best to get him to heaven! Isn’t that enough?.. I think as a parent, my first thought in seeing potential son/daughter in-laws will be “Will this person love and get my son or daughter to heaven? Will they raise my future grandchildren in the faith and love them well?”

I haven’t finished my bachelors, but I do have a 2 year associates. With wedding planning and budgeting, and eventually moving 1,000 miles away to where my fiance is (he is in Canada, where as I am in the USA), I am trying to work full time and save up for our wedding and then we also have fees for immigration (+1,500) which is a lot of work in and of itself. I don’t think his parents realize how much work we’ve had to put into just being together, it’s not a walk in the park and it adds a whole other dimension of difficulty with needing to apply for immigration… Our future marriage, our relationship is worth it though to me so it’s just another step to be together.

I plan to continue college in Canada, but it is difficult because my fiance isn’t sure where exactly in Canada he will be in 8 months due to his job offer having several branches across Canada. Plus, I would hate for credits not to transfer, or to spend more on college credits that I couldn’t put towards a degree program in Canada. It seems like the best option is for me to take this next year off, not accumulate more debt/non-transferable credits, and work, work, work and save everything. We aren’t planning a lavish wedding, but even a simple budgeted wedding for 150 people is going to run us around 10,000 with immigration fees included. Plus, I hope that we can maybe save up closer to $15K so we have some cushioning and some money in savings starting out, in addition to our wedding gifts and money.

 

[1ke]

or someone standing up during “Speak now or forever hold your peace!”

You have nothing to worry about there. That is not part of the Catholic marriage rite. That is a TV plot line, not a real scenario (although this may be something in Protestant ceremonies, it is NOT Catholic).

The banns are posted ahead of the wedding and anyone with knowledge of impediments is expected to come forward to the priest beforehand. And, their “issues” are not actual canonical impediments.

Isn’t that enough?

For his parents, apparently not.

Be prepared that this may carry over into your marriage and he has to be ready, willing, and able to lay down the law to them. I have many friends with evil MILs who have been miserable for over a decade. Do not take this lightly.

 

[AlexaD]

I know this is an age old question, but why are some mothers of sons like this? It is terrible when I hear stories of MIL who make life miserable and are only concerned with their needs and what they want. Isn’t the point to raise a son who can be independent, self-sufficient and mature enough that if he feels so called, to marry and create a family? Do they truly want their son to live with them forever? I guess a lot of selfishness is in play.

To the OP, I am sorry you are having a rough time. It is your life and you seem mature enough to be married. I wish you well as you move forward.

 

[Xantippe]

Laurenrachelle said:

“I am not a nurse, but just working currently as a nursing assistant, which likely has a similar salary to nurses in Poland! But I am a devout Catholic, pray regularly, love mass, volunteer, am a great cook, can keep a house clean, love generously, have a lot of compassion and patience, am great with children, respectful, love my fiance, and am going to do my best to get him to heaven! Isn’t that enough?”

Unfortunately, the number of glass-half-full, high-strung, neurotic, class-conscious, critical people seems to be higher among Poles. Before anybody jumps in to object to that phrasing, 1) There are lots of perfectly lovely Poles 2) I have years of experience with this particular issue 3) there are virtues that are the flip side of those negative qualities 4) people who have those negative qualities suffer just as much from them as the people around them do. They are often deeply unhappy.

It is possible that your future in-laws will eventually warm up to you, but it may take a very long time (for instance, once you have children), or it may never happen. Watch how your fiance handles his parents and carefully discuss how much space you are going to need between you and your future in-laws. 100 miles is probably a good minimum to aim for.

“I plan to continue college in Canada, but it is difficult because my fiance isn’t sure where exactly in Canada he will be in 8 months due to his job offer having several branches across Canada. Plus, I would hate for credits not to transfer, or to spend more on college credits that I couldn’t put towards a degree program in Canada. It seems like the best option is for me to take this next year off, not accumulate more debt/non-transferable credits, and work, work, work and save everything.”

That sounds very wise. It should also not be very expensive for you to study in Canada (once you have the appropriate papers).

I encourage you again to spend at least 6 months in the same town before doing serious wedding planning, although I understand that it will be very difficult for you with your immigration issues.

“We aren’t planning a lavish wedding, but even a simple budgeted wedding for 150 people is going to run us around 10,000 with immigration fees included.”

150 people is pretty big for a young couple just starting out with no parental support.

“Plus, I hope that we can maybe save up closer to $15K so we have some cushioning and some money in savings starting out, in addition to our wedding gifts and money.”

That sounds wise, although I would counsel less wedding and more emergency savings.

 

[Cariethra]

Here is my testimony to the same criticisms. As well as my suggestions to each.

We are too young and should wait 3+ more years.

I got married at 21, my husband was 24. We’ve been married now for 5 years and have two children. We married young so that I could get better grants and scholorships for school, life ended up a bit different, but that was the original plan.

I really like what one person told me about when he and his wife decided to marry (they were 19/18 years old). When you get married young, you have to go through all of the hard things together. You have that support and understanding all the time, they [being the spouse] is going through the same thing.

Based on what you describe you are both mature enough to handle this type of commitment.

We don’t have enough life experience.

I’ve never been the go out and do stuff type of person, neither has my husband, so I don’t have as much in put on this. But I will say this, our lives didn’t change when we got married. We still did the same things we did before, only together.

** We won’t be able to support ourselves and will be poor.**

I’ll admit we are poor. But it isn’t because of our kids, or getting married young. We were poor before getting married. My husband had a pretty good job last year and lost it. So now we are struggling a bit, but we are working together to get out.

Your fiance has a BA and you are currently working on a degree. You’re already ahead of where we were. There shouldn’t be an issue with being poor, although life happens, but as I said before at least you’ll be able to support eachother through that.

** I will hold him back from getting a good job and progressing in his career.**

This was something my husband heard from his family, only it was the other way around. They said that it would prevent me from finishing school. We honestly laughed it off.

I honestly don’t get this one at all. The best I can suggest is just shrugging it off. It comes down trying to find an excuse.

** We don’t know each other well enough because we are long distance.**

This I can understand. Now I met my husband online. But we had been hanging out in person for over a year before getting engaged. I think it might help a bit to make sure you get even more time together in person, maybe with his family.

** I might get sick and then he would be burdened to take care of me.**

This is another case of finding some weird reason. There is this issue with EVERY relationship. Again my suggestion is to shrug this off.

I am not of their heritage (Polish).

They were running out of excuses on this one. I would reassure them that you’ll still do some of the cultural things with your new family.

** We should wait until we are established in our careers with good jobs and have no student loans.**

The problem with this is, like in my example about being poor, life happens that things change fast. If we all waited for that to come along, we’d be dead before we’d get married. The economy isn’t good enough to think this way.

I will not be an adequate wife and am pushing him into marriage.

Yeah… this is stupid. You might have to just prove yourself on this one. But I’m the type who doesn’t like being told I’m not good enough, or am incapable of doing something.

Everyone else is dating for years and no one is engaged.

And if everyone else jumped from bridge should we go along and do that too? Ok, all kidding aside. I think this is most like the root of the above issues. I think it will take time to prove them wrong. Which is fun to do.

Try approaching their attacks with a response based on logic. The touchy feely “But we love each other,” responses aren’t going to work. You need to make sure your fiance is on the same page with you. In laws can tear a new family apart very quickly if both husband and wife aren’t on the same page and willing to defend and back up the eachother.