Parents disapprove of engagement/marriage

[Xantippe]

“I will hold him back from getting a good job and progressing in his career.”

I hazily remember that there is research saying that men with families are higher earners than those without, perhaps because men with families to support are more highly motivated because they have so many people depending on them. It is true, though, that having a family tends to slow down women’s careers. But they’re not worried about him hurting your career, are they?

Here’s an article entitled, “Why Do Married Men Earn More?”

cnbc.com/id/49713774

 

[laurenrachelle]

I encourage you again to spend at least 6 months in the same town before doing serious wedding planning, although I understand that it will be very difficult for you with your immigration issues.

It would be great to do that, I would love to live near him, but frankly it’s not possible because we are in different countries, but I have more contact with him sometimes than my own relatives in my home. I just got back from visiting him, and spent 17 days there, and several days with his family. In March I also spend 17 days in Canada with him, so we have had some extended time together, and still don’t get sick of each other. Though I would love to live near him and be in the same town, it’s not going to be possible until we are married unless I spend 6 months not working in a foreign country depending on him to take care of me. In our situation we can’t live in the same town, but we honestly are really in constant communication with one another every day. I haven’t not texted him at least a dozen times every day since August of last year. <sorry if that was confusing. The distance really had aided in helping us to have excellent communication, because that’s all we can do, and we can really talk to each other about anything and everything. It’s brought difficulty, because we want to be with one another, but I really feel like it’s a benefit in a way that couples not having experienced Long Distance, might not be able to see the benefit of. It sounds like a good idea for a couple to live close to each other, but I don’t think it’s necessary to discern marriage to the fullest extent.

150 people is pretty big for a young couple just starting out with no parental support.

Yes, but my dad is one of twelve children, and though my mother’s side isn’t big, it wouldn’t be considered small either. My parents are helping us out slightly with small purchases and where they can, but the number of people was difficult to get down to this number. I have a lot of relatives, and a lot of close friends from my parish community so 150 is really small considering I could easily double it if I invited everyone I’m close to, as well as adding all of his close friends and relatives.

 

[Bklynguy]

Please help us, we are experiencing a lot of pressure from my fiance’s parents to not marry and it is putting a great strain on us. We would greatly appreciate advice of devout Catholics…

My fiance and I are planning to get married next year in March (8 months from now). We met a year ago through CatholicMatch.com and are both devout Catholics, committed to our faith, prayer and sacraments. We pray together often, striving to bring one another closer to God through mass and confession and knowledge. We are both in our early twenties and will be 21 and 22 when we marry. We are saving ourselves for marriage and pray daily for one another and with each other. We are currently long distance and live 1,000 miles apart, though we have been together for roughly 1.5 months in person visiting each other every 2 months, and have logged close to 2 weeks of talk on Skype, in addition to daily texting, phone calls, etc.

*HIM: *My fiance is a first born child, really motivated and dedicated. He just finished his Bachelors and is going to be hired on with an incredible job either this fall or next spring depending on the hiring pool. He currently has a good job, which could support us both, though this isn’t his dream job.

ME: I am the oldest child, with 3 younger siblings. I have my Associates and am working as a Nursing Assistant. I make fairly decent money, but my hours have been diminished so I am currently job hunting.

My parents were very excited for us, they have gotten to know him a lot. He’s a part of our family and talked about often. They are excited for us, support us emotionally and spiritually, and feel that we will have a beautiful marriage. We are both so committed to one another. We have started Marriage Prep through my church, gone on a marriage retreat, taken NFP classes and met with our priest and mentor couple several times. It’s been going great, and I’ve only felt more and more like this is where God wants me and increased confidence in our engagement and future marriage. I love my fiance with all my heart and though I am excited for marriage, I know it will be work and not always easy. We are both willing to put forth the work into our relationship and marriage, and understand that love changes over time and is self-giving, self-sacrificing and many times difficult. We are both so excited though for the journey we feel the Lord is calling us to go on together in marriage.

Our issue is with his side of the family. They are adamant against us getting married, here are their concerns.

1. 
   *]We are too young and should wait 3+ more years.
   *]We don’t have enough life experience.
   *]We won’t be able to support ourselves and will be poor.
   *]I will hold him back from getting a good job and progressing in his career.
   *]We don’t know each other well enough because we are long distance.
   *]I might get sick and then he would be burdened to take care of me.
   *]I am not of their heritage (Polish).
   *]We should wait until we are established in our careers with good jobs and have no student loans.
   *]I will not be an adequate wife and am pushing him into marriage.
   *]Everyone else is dating for years and no one is engaged.
   
   PLEASE HELP US!
   Are we really too young/immature to get married?
   Should we not get married or hold off our wedding?
   How should we approach and talk to his parents?
   Any advice moving forward or articles which may be helpful?

1. 
   It is true that you are both young, but you both sound mature. So, no, I wouldn’t say you are too young or mature. He is about to graduate from college and he is working. My parents were 19/20 when they got married and have been married for 37 years.
   
   I don’t see why you should hold off your wedding unless one or both of you aren’t ready. That is a question you need to ask yourselves. If you love each other and are both ready–and you both seem to have a firm footing in the faith and have relatively stable careers–then I wouldn’t understand why you would want to put it off.
   
   You shouldn’t have to approach or reason with his parents at all. You aren’t trying to talk them into anything. You are both adults. They will give you their blessing or they won’t. Be prepared to get married without their blessing–if he won’t or can’t, then he isn’t really marriage material.

 

[Xantippe]

“In our situation we can’t live in the same town.”

Can you move to a US border town and he maybe move to a Canadian border town and then see a lot of each other? The border is a pain these days, I know. You’ve done a lot of medium visits, but it’s not the same thing as living a real life together in the same area.

“I have a lot of relatives, and a lot of close friends from my parish community so 150 is really small considering I could easily double it if I invited everyone I’m close to, as well as adding all of his close friends and relatives.”

I can predict that your future in-laws are going to give you tremendous grief over your wedding plans. Think about that visit where they were criticizing you for not having a piping hot meal ready for your fiance when he came home from work, and multiply by 100.

 

[1ke]

You’ve done a lot of medium visits, but it’s not the same thing as living a real life together in the same area.

While it is not “the same” it is also not necessary for a mature and happy marriage.

 

[Bklynguy]

I know this is an age old question, but why are some mothers of sons like this? It is terrible when I hear stories of MIL who make life miserable and are only concerned with their needs and what they want. Isn’t the point to raise a son who can be independent, self-sufficient and mature enough that if he feels so called, to marry and create a family? Do they truly want their son to live with them forever? I guess a lot of selfishness is in play.

To the OP, I am sorry you are having a rough time. It is your life and you seem mature enough to be married. I wish you well as you move forward.

Mother of sons? My wife’s parents are very intrusive and controlling, but my parents are not.

 

[MJJean]

While it is not “the same” it is also not necessary for a mature and happy marriage.

The world is chock full of marriages made between spouses who never got to live nearby or spend a lot of time together. Heck, I know of quite a few marriages that have lasted longer than I have been alive where the couple only knew each other for a few months total before they married.

 

[SamH]

That’s EXACTLY my first thought when I heard them say they would want the 32K! I was like,* Seriously? You hate the idea of us getting married so much that you would attempt to force him to pay back a gift.* I know plenty of couples that marry after college and have a significant amount of student loans, much more than my $6K, so I think we could pay them back eventually, but it wouldn’t make things easier. All I know is, that’s not the kind of parent I ever want to be…

That tells me they care nothing for their child and its all about control. Tell them if they want “their” money to to take you to court.

I’ll repeat what I said earlier - if you get married you need to move several hundred miles away (if not further).

 

[Kal2012]

We are too young and should wait 3+ more years.

What’s going to change in 3+ years? If you know that you want to be together, then be together.

*We don't have enough life experience.*

Life experience is overrated.

*We won't be able to support ourselves and will be poor.*

There’s nothing wrong with being poor. It’s better to be poor/happy vs wealthy/miserable. Poor is boring, but if you are both driven individuals, then you won’t be poor forever. Besides, your definition of poor might be different than theirs.

• I will hold him back from getting a good job and progressing in his career.*

So, after he marries you, he will become an unmotivated bum? Really? People don’t have to choose between marriage/career. My husband went to college after we got married, not before. He’s also progressed in his career just fine when we were dating/engaged.

*We don't know each other well enough because we are long distance.*

Not everyone marries their high school sweetheart. It is what it is.

• I might get sick and then he would be burdened to take care of me.*

It really just sounds like they want their son to be a selfish pig for a few years, then miraculously become the type of guy that someone would want to marry. It usually doesn’t work that way.

• I am not of their heritage (Polish).*

So? You obviously have other things in common.

• We should wait until we are established in our careers with good jobs and have no student loans.*

Good luck with that one. College is cheaper in Canada, but it’s hard to live in the States or Canada w/o incurring debt of some kind.

• I will not be an adequate wife and am pushing him into marriage.*
  Everyone else is dating for years and no one is engaged.

Modern dating isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. A lot of people see having all the sex you want w/o attachments as “freedom”. After living that scene, I’d rather do it things the way that you are trying to do them with your boyfriend.

 

[dedo]

They paid them off entirely in full because they have the money. They meant that if my fiance proceeded with plans to marry me, he would have to directly pay his parents the money they paid for his loan, even though it was originally a gift. This honestly really saddens me that they are doing that to him, but if that’s what his parents really want we will. We are both taking it as more of a threat, though we are still prepared to pay them back if need be…

I think his parents have boundary issues. If they gave their son a gift, they cannot then say the gift is a loan.

My career was established in part because I was engaged when I interviewed. The day I interviewed, my fiancee and I were taken out to dinner by my future partners and their wives. My wife really bonded with one of the other wives that night whereas I was pretty quiet.

Although I came back for one more “lunch interview”, I believe my wife (fiancee at the time) helped get me the job.

Over the years, we always look at people who are engaged or married as a big plus when interviewing applicants.

That is not a reason to marry if you are not ready. However, if you are ready, in general being married is a positive for a career.

 

[McMcMe]

I was in a long-distance courtship after meeting my husband online and I’m sure my family had their concerns but they were respectful–the big difference is that we were in our 30s and not our 20s I think.

Your fiance’s family have given you a wonderful opportunity to grow in your relationship prior to marriage. First, this is a trial that your fiance needs to take the lead on with you as his support. He needs to decide how to handle the loan situation, he needs to decide how he will respond if and when his family (mother?) is disrespectful. He needs to decide how much of their negativity to report back to you and how much detail is helpful or necessary. Let the leaving and cleaving begin!

You on the other hand need to go into this with your eyes open. Assume that his family and their lack of boundaries will continue even after marriage. You are marrying this family in some aspects. I recommend playing the “long game” so to speak. While it may feel good now to say, “go jump in a lake” to some of their objections, do not underestimate the benefit of doing your best to firmly but pleasantly set boundaries to the best of your abilities. In the end, some in the family may never accept your decision to marry young, but if you behave graciously and don’t complain to other family members, in the end you will win folks over to your way of thinking.

Finally, as someone who entered into marriage after a long-distance courtship, a few words of experience. Be prepared for a rocky start for the first year or two–the stress of new marriage, setting family boundaries, moving to a new location that is unfamiliar to one or both of you is a LOT to deal with. On top of that you will be figuring out how your family celebrates holidays, birthdays, etc. and you may have a new baby in the mix. There are just so many things that you just have to learn by doing and there is no way to talk through all of them prior to the wedding. Having firm family-of-origin boundaries is so important to giving yourself time to figure out how YOUR family works. Also, don’t assume just because you are faithful Catholics that you will be “rewarded” for your good behavior with a stress-free marriage. Yes, there are a great many benefits to sharing your faith and clinging to the cross–but marriage is marriage and there will be ups and downs. That is what marriage is.

I will pray for you and your fiance. Long-distance courtship does have its unique benefits (the communication!) and challenges, but at least for me it led me to my wonderful husband whom I love dearly.