Parents do not approve marriage -- not attending wedding

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puzzleannie said:
you are 26, why are your parents calling the shots, and why would you even, if you are mature enough to get married, even be influenced anymore by emotional blackmail, abuse and threats? healing cannot be unitlateral, altho forgiveness can. forgive and move on with your life, as long as your choices and actions are otherwise moral and in your best interests spiritually and every other way.

yes, I know about Hispanic family values, but that cannot be used as an excuse to justify what you describe as abuse. in my admittedly limited (10 yrs exp. here working with largely families of Mexican heritage) describing wrong behavior as somehow inevitable to a certain ethnic group is a mistake and an untruth.
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👍

To the OP-
Honey, you are 26, and will probably be 27 when you marry. Are you going to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder, wondering what might have been, and giving into emotional blackmail? Or are you going to listen to your priest, and your heart, and follow your calling?

You are not the first bride who has put on her own wedding, and you will not be the last. Invite them to the church and reception, but plan as if they won’t be there.

And enjoy your happy day, the first day of the rest of your married life. You will have earned it!
 
Thanks everybody for your advice. I really appreciate it… I am still going forward with the wedding plans (it’s only four months away!), but I have to admit it is hard to do these things without my mom, especially. It’s just a sad situation, because I know that it hurts my mom as well to see me excluding her, but I really have no choice. One of things that hurts the most is that as a Christian, I find myself in a crossroads: I follow my vocation, but at the same time my parents hurt and I hurt as well, but it is their choice. I just can’t stand people suffering because of me although I know it is right for me to do what I’m doing.

It really comforts me to know that I have not been the only bride who has had to do this alone or will have to be at the wedding without any family members.
 
Dear, what makes you think that YOU are excluding your mother? Seems like it’s her choice!

I am really sorry that you are feeling this way. I wish that I could convince you otherwise … invite your parents to EVERYTHING, if they do not come, who’s fault is it? Yours? No, no, no!

Here in the South, we call it manners. It’s our way of doing things. I have a horrible mother in law, however, she is invited, usually, personally, by me to everything in our life…baptisms, birthday parties, even small cook outs and get togethers and sometimes she throws up some excuse that is really a pawn over to me…I let it roll off my back like water off a duck…I KNOW that I’ve done the Christian thing by including her…if my MIL wants to exclude HERSELF, that’s her choice!

Sorry to go off about my life, but really, can relate.

God bless.
 
Augustinian82 said:
Thanks everybody for your advice. I really appreciate it… I am still going forward with the wedding plans (it’s only four months away!), but I have to admit it is hard to do these things without my mom, especially. It’s just a sad situation, because I know that it hurts my mom as well to see me excluding her, but I really have no choice. One of things that hurts the most is that as a Christian, I find myself in a crossroads: I follow my vocation, but at the same time my parents hurt and I hurt as well, but it is their choice. I just can’t stand people suffering because of me although I know it is right for me to do what I’m doing.

It really comforts me to know that I have not been the only bride who has had to do this alone or will have to be at the wedding without any family members.
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Augustinian,

You are not responsible for the suffering your parents are going through. They have chosen and are continuing to choose the path they are on.

You posted on these boards before, no? You received extremely similar advice? You have received consistent advice from your priest along the way (both before and now)?

I second the other poster who suggested counseling for you. It sounds like there are unhealthy patterns of behavior in your family, which I am sure you do not want to continue. If you want to have a healthier family with your husband and children, go talk to someone. And please, figure out how to deal with your parents (though I suspect it will never be easy) before you have any children. With the kind of stuff they’ve pulled in the past thrown in with them being the “grandparents,” they will be able to induce new levels of guilt unless you learn to approach the situation differently.

God bless you.
 
I don’t feel guilty about them “suffering”. I should have rephrased that. I feel deeply saddened by the fact that they think I’m causing this to them. The solution for them is very easy, but they’re not able to see it. I just feel sad as well that my younger brother gets pulled in to this whole situation and he finds himself in the middle, because he still lives with them. We wanted my brother to be one of the groomsmen and he wants to, but if my parents don’t go to the wedding, then he probably won’t go… it’s just a sad situation overall and as much as I try to be “selfish” in the sense that I have to prepare for this marriage and for a wedding day, I still feel sad that it has to be this way.
 
You are an adult. You can honor your parents by keeping the door open should they wish to eventually get to know you and your husband. May you find much joy in your marriage.
 
**I don’t know you or your fiance but I am proud of both of you for your commitment to Christ, His teachings, chastity and the importance of marriage.:extrahappy: You have obviously taken time to get to know one another and form a strong relationship that centers around the Church. No matter if you have your parent’s blessings or not, know that you have our Father’s abundant blessings for your marriage. He did not create us to be alone. Our Father intends for marriage to be between one man and one woman. Therefore marriage is necessary for man and woman to grow together in oneness. My prayers are with you both for continued strenght and happiness during this time. May God bless your marriage with love and happiness and bless you with the children that you desire. **
 
DJgang said:
Dear, what makes you think that YOU are excluding your mother? Seems like it’s her choice!

I am really sorry that you are feeling this way. I wish that I could convince you otherwise … invite your parents to EVERYTHING, if they do not come, who’s fault is it? Yours? No, no, no!

Here in the South, we call it manners. It’s our way of doing things. I have a horrible mother in law, however, she is invited, usually, personally, by me to everything in our life…baptisms, birthday parties, even small cook outs and get togethers and sometimes she throws up some excuse that is really a pawn over to me…I let it roll off my back like water off a duck…I KNOW that I’ve done the Christian thing by including her…if my MIL wants to exclude HERSELF, that’s her choice!

Sorry to go off about my life, but really, can relate.

God bless.
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Hey there - we’re in Alabama, too, and I think that your MIL must secretly be my dd’s future MIL!!! 🙂
 
Hi. I realize this isn’t the newest thread, but it is now September and I’m wondering how things are working out…? I admit to being in the same situation and wondered what advice you might have now that you’re either married or in the home stretch? Do you still feel sad about their behavior?

A short summary of the background of my situation is that I’m the only daughter of a mixed marriage (Catholic Mother/Protestant Father). I have two brothers [older and younger], but I am also the only practicing Catholic of the bunch. My husband-to-be is also Catholic. We pray together. We’re excited about being parents. We are best friends!! We take our commitment seriously and we’re ready to follow God’s plan for marriage… Nevertheless, since the engagement everything, including our faith, has come under fire. My parents were so contentious that we decided not to host the wedding in my family parish back home. Our priest back home fully supported our union, but hosting the wedding down South would require coordinating with my mother/father… Instead, we have planned/paid for our own wedding with no support from my father and little interest from my mother… Our local priest is also wonderful and supportive … my future in-laws treat me as the daughter they always wanted [they have 3 boys] … but I can’t help feeling heart broken that my parents cannot even treat me that way - let alone my husband-to-be…

While I admit needing to pray more on this issue, I was wondering if anyone could suggest anything… In particular, I was leaning toward prayers to the Blessed Mother or Holy Family …
 
So why do your folks feel this way? Is it they don’t want you to get married, or they just don’t want you to marry HIM?

Are they gonna come to the wedding?
 
BamaRider said:
So why do your folks feel this way? Is it they don’t want you to get married, or they just don’t want you to marry HIM?

Are they gonna come to the wedding?
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Not sure if they are attending. My parents keep sending mixed messages - for example, my father bought me gifts for my new home, but refuses to speak to me on the phone. My mother kinda goes along with whatever my father says.

My fiance is British. I’m American. Most negative comments regarding him have focused on the fact that he will be immigrating as a result of our marriage. However, I would note that my engagement ring belonged to my great grandmother and my parents held the ring in their safe deposit box for about 20 years. When my fiance proposed, he asked for their blessing - which he received - along with the engagement ring. Had my father had personal problems with him at the time, I find is highly unlikely that my father would have parted with this priceless family heirloom. Instead, I think the problem is with me… It may be that they never expected anyone to want to marry me, but I feel that even tasteless references to his green card are intended more to hurt me by suggesting that no one would want to marry me otherwise or that I’ve somehow been manipulated than they are attacks on his character…

We’ve been together since 2005. The second two of those 3 years were long distance, but we both spent a fortune in flights… We take our religion seriously and seek to express our love for each other by taking vows and finally living together.
 
I have been going through sme very similar things and have a thread going “in-law problems and not even married yet” although I have not lived anywhere near the type of life you have. Hats off to you. You have my upmost respect. Our gospel is from the book of Mark and quotes Genesis as it talks about a man leaves his mother and father and starts his new family. In the cathechism under the commadment of honor thy mother. … the fourth one it talks very openly about the relationship between adults and their parents. It says that we as adults should seek counsel and ask respect our parents but we are no longer required to obey them. This was some food for thought for us when making our decision. I hope that helps. Feel free to PM anytime. God Bless with love. 👍
 
I might be the only one with this point of view. Sometimes grown children forget that respect is due to parents. For example the hispanic woman who believes it is a cultural thing…my question is out of respect where things done right culturally? Did your fiance ask your parents for their blessings? Additionally, if you believe you are doing right have you ever wondered why so much drama? We are all called to be tolerable not necessary accepting. I believe these parents have their daughters best interest at heart and at times they to cannot communicate those feelings. The one thing you have going for you is the strong belief in faith and to me if you are praying together you are way ahead than most people who get married. People always put alot of time an attention on the wedding not necessarily the beautiful sacrament that marriage is intended to be. I always say it is best to go into any situations with the best odds possible. Continue to be open and truly honest with yourself and your parents. Most imporantly remain prayerful.
 
This thread is over a year old, and the happy couple should be celebrating their first anniversary by now.
 
Gosh, I hope so!! The OP’s parents should have been THRILLED with such a daughter…

God bless the couple, wherever they are! I hope things worked out.
 
Hey hon! Congratulations on your engagement and GOD BLESS! I am in a similar position except it’s my fiance being torn away from his family… They no longer like me for whatever their reasons are, which are “apologizing 3 times in an email! Smart ***, instigating, starting fights!” SO I put myself in his position and felt the pain he was feeling and I was willing to let him go so he and his family can be at peace… I do not want to wreck a home and we have been dating for several years now, so yeah, it’s kind of like, uhm what do I do here?! My fiance was really hurt by me wanting to let it all go because of something they started, not me, and I told him why he reminded me that wasn’t a good enough reason…Even got involved with our Priest and he advised we discuss the situations deeply and start over with each other…

SO my fiance said regardless what his family thinks or wants he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me, expresses it on a daily basis…Which helps me believe in him… And try not to think about his family…

But it still hurts that they lose a daughter, a son, and grandkids just because they don’t like me any more… But that’s life I guess…

It’s a difficult choice you are in and I would just go with what you feel in your heart…If after 2 years they came back around they will eventually come back around especially when they see how happy you are and the grandkids will be coming that will make them want to be around you even more! 😃

Congrats again, pray hard and keep your hopes high! Don’t let go of what your heart is telling you to do…That’s GOD saying you are meant to be where you are and making the decision you love! 😃

Take care…
 
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