Parents do not approve of the relationship

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cathlie said:
Yes I live with my parents and they completely support me, financially.
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Cathlie, there is a great deal of wisdom for you to step back from this relationship, at least temporarily, let your passions cool down,

Godly choices are hard to make when passions are running hot; faith AND reason are vital in make wise choices. And since you admit to lying to your parents, you obviously are not making wise choices at the moment. (not to mention breaking two of the 10 commandments)

You have been given very wise counsel to step back for 6 month. Calm your passions. Re-focus and then re-evaluate 🙂

Best of Blessings to you

👍
 
cathlie said:
Yes I live with my parents and they completely support me, financially.
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Then, read CCC, bold added. You can rest assured that obedience to your parents is required (unless they command you to do what is immoral).

scborromeo.org/ccc/para/2217.htm

2217 As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Children should also obey the reasonable directions of their teachers and all to whom their parents have entrusted them. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.

As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
 
OK, as someone not much younger than you and as someone who will be studying in LDC’s (less developed countries, I’m an International Relations major, I use acronyms :D), here’s what I have to say.

A) YOU’RE TWENTY-ONE!!! That’s young!!! You’ve got time! And you’re not on your own? Let me tell you, you learn a lot about yourself when you live on your own. My parents told me I needed to get a job and pay for some of my college expenses. I moved out of my dorm and got an apartment, took on my rent, didn’t even have them cosign. I am not 21 yet and I grew up FAST!! Yet, I still don’t know who I’d want to share my life with. Even so, I have a better idea on how to manage money, how to clean, how to set my own guidelines. Seriously. That’s important. You need to be able to make decisions for YOURSELF before you can make them with SOMEONE ELSE!!

B) If you’re moving to an LDC, think about it. What are your employment prospects? What’s the infrastructure like? Would you get access to good health care? Would you be able to travel well, in an emergency? More importantly, what’s the culture like? What standing do women have in the culture? How would your kids grow up? What’s the education like there? Would your kids be able to get a good education? Have a good future? Are there any health risks? What about visiting your family? Every LDC is different. Kenya, for example, is VERY different from the Democratic Republic of the Congo but they’re still classified as LDC’s. (I specialize in International Development and I’m studying in both Latin America and Africa, so if I get a bit crazy with this, this is because it’s not only my field, it’s my passion). Even without moving to a developing country, just moving to Europe is difficult. You have to live under a very different culture, where people have their own expectations about you, you’ll have to learn a new language, adopt a new culture, a very different way of life. What would be asked of you? Would you be required to give up citizenship (if you’re a U.S. citizen, btw, you can’t get it back and you can’t get asylum in the U.S. if you’ve renounced it previously)? Yes, it sounds romantic to go off to an “exotic land” and marry someone. But there are real, practical issues at stake here.

C) You know the negatives. Girl, you can’t change him. Trust me, I was a naive 17-year-old who thought she could change her non-Catholic boyfriend. Yeah, no. You can only change yourself. Yes, you have feelings for him. But emotions are deceiving. Yes, it hurts to break up with someone. I’ve had my heart broken by three people and yes, it hurts. Yes, I cried for days. Yes, I ate ice cream those days. But God was telling me that these men, though they were/are lovely people, were NOT RIGHT FOR ME! I’m glad I’m not with any of them today. They wouldn’t have been right for me. Not to say no one has faults, we all do. But you need someone you know is right. Your parents have a ton of wisdom.

Sorry, I know this is long. But seriously! Think about it! This is your LIFE!
 
It’s really hard to comment on your situation because you don’t get into specifics.

Personally I don’t think your parents get a say in what you do with your life, it’s entirely your decision. However, you said that you agree with your parents that there are some negative qualities about this man. How bad are the negatives? Are they something you’re willing to live with for the rest of your life?

Which “undeveloped country” is he from? This should be a serious consideration. Why wouldn’t he be willing to come live in better conditions with you? Why does he want to move you there?

Remember it’s not just yourself you’d be putting in a bad living environment, but any children you might have as well.

If I were you, I wouldn’t worry about it now. Chances are that your relationship won’t last anyway, so as long as it’s not interfering with things like your studies don’t worry about it.

Is this the only man you’ve dated? You should meet other men. I’m not saying you should date them, but meet them, and see what else is out there. It’s not difficult to get over someone and fall in love again, this is certainly something you can make yourself achieve if there are “red flags” with this particular individual.
 
As long as parents are financially responsible, they absolutely get a say. That’s their money. If I thought my kid was doing something reckless, ON MY DIME, I’d say absolutely not. If my kid did it on their dime and they were legal age, well, I wouldn’t have much of a say.
 
sanctamaria17 said:
As long as parents are financially responsible, they absolutely get a say. That’s their money. If I thought my kid was doing something reckless, ON MY DIME, I’d say absolutely not. If my kid did it on their dime and they were legal age, well, I wouldn’t have much of a say.
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They get a say within reason. They have the right to ask her to help around the house and she has to obey. But they have no right to tell her who to marry, what career to choose, who to be friends with regardless of whether or not they feed her.

And frankly, how dumb does one have to be to pretend to tell a 21 year old woman that she may not date her boyfriend? All they are doing is setting up a situation where she will feel torn, will choose him, and their own relationship with her will be damaged. This is not how you go about influencing the decision of your adult children.
 
But they do have the right to not pay for her wedding, not pay for a move to an LDC and not support her if she does these things. If parents are financially supporting a kid and they think she’s throwing her life away, they can choose to cut that support or not support her choices. And she has the choice to either accept those conditions or move out of the house, get her own job and place, and make her own choices.

If someone is financially controlling your life, they control your life in other areas too.
 
sanctamaria17 said:
But they do have the right to not pay for her wedding, not pay for a move to an LDC and not support her if she does these things. If parents are financially supporting a kid and they think she’s throwing her life away, they can choose to cut that support or not support her choices. And she has the choice to either accept those conditions or move out of the house, get her own job and place, and make her own choices.

If someone is financially controlling your life, they control your life in other areas too.
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I definitely agree, they can do all those things. I would not say it would be a wise choice on their part, because in this particular situation cutting off financial support might cause her to move to the undeveloped country her boyfriend lives in.

If I were her parents, I would be looking for ways to provide this young lady with great opportunities that would make her think twice about moving to some poor country where she’d have none of that.

How likely is a 21 year old to remain with a boyfriend that lives in another country? Not likely, and plenty of things that parents can do to facilitate that. Commanding that she stop seeing him just seems to me like the most counterproductive thing you can do. They have to show her that live would be better in North America, better with them, that there are better men out there without the problem this young man has and so on.

When did parents who tried to break up a couple in love ever have a good outcome?
 
EEgirl said:
forget about “changing” him after you are married. That’s just not going to happen. You can only change yourself. Only he can change himself.
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dulcissima said:
It is a huge mistake to think that you can change or help someone. You can’t. That is up to them.
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I would like to agree with pretty much everyone on this point. You cannot change someone else.

I would also like to agree with everyone who expressed that feelings and passion are not the same thing as love. Now would be a very good time in your life to start reading some good books like Karol Wojtyla’s Love & Responsibility.
sanctamaria17 said:
And you’re not on your own? Let me tell you, you learn a lot about yourself when you live on your own. My parents told me I needed to get a job and pay for some of my college expenses. I moved out of my dorm and got an apartment, took on my rent, didn’t even have them cosign. I am not 21 yet and I grew up FAST!! …I have a better idea on how to manage money, how to clean, how to set my own guidelines. Seriously. That’s important.
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I agree. Now is a very good time in your life to get a real job, an apartment, start working on money management skills, feeding and clothing yourself, etc. It does radically change one’s perspective. And if you can’t yet do this here, don’t even think about trying to do it elsewhere.
sanctamaria17 said:
If you’re moving to an LDC, think about it. What are your employment prospects? What’s the infrastructure like? Would you get access to good health care? Would you be able to travel well, in an emergency? More importantly, what’s the culture like? What standing do women have in the culture? How would your kids grow up? What’s the education like there? Would your kids be able to get a good education? Have a good future? Are there any health risks? What about visiting your family? Every LDC is different. Kenya, for example, is VERY different from the Democratic Republic of the Congo… Even without moving to a developing country, just moving to Europe is difficult. You have to live under a very different culture, where people have their own expectations about you, you’ll have to learn a new language, adopt a new culture, a very different way of life. What would be asked of you? Would you be required to give up citizenship (if you’re a U.S. citizen, btw, you can’t get it back and you can’t get asylum in the U.S. if you’ve renounced it previously)?
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All of these are excellent points. I would definitely not recommend moving to whatever country permanently unless you are very familiar with the answers to questions like these-- not just what your boyfriend and his family say about them, but information from other reliable sources.
 
A couple of things I would be concerned with.
At the same time, it is not uncommon for Egyptians to enter into marriages with Americans solely for immigration purposes. Relationships developed via correspondence, particularly those begun on the Internet, are particularly susceptible to manipulation. The U.S. government urges Americans who meet Egyptians on the Internet or while touring the country, to take the time necessary to get to know them before considering marriage. Unfortunately, the Embassy sees many cases of abuse against American spouses and often the marriages end in divorce when the Egyptian acquires a green card or citizenship in the United States. These cases invariably occur when the relationship is based mostly on Internet communication and very little face-to-face interaction.
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travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/cis/cis_1108.html#special_circumstance
DUAL NATIONALITY: Egypt recognizes the concept of dual nationality. Under Egyptian law, children born to an Egyptian father are automatically considered citizens of Egypt
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TRAVEL RESTRICTIONS (WIFE): Due to a Supreme Court decision in March 2000, an Egyptian wife no longer requires the permission of her Egyptian husband to obtain a passport and depart the country. In the case of a child custody dispute, however, either spouse may obtain a court order preventing the other spouse from traveling until the dispute has been resolved.
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travel.state.gov/family/abduction/country/country_490.html

I’d say that your parents have a lot of valid concerns and you should prayerfully consider whatever they tell you.
 
A man who is truly in love will go anywhere or do anything to be with his lady. If he really loves you, he’ll find a way to move to YOUR country and win over your parents. I think that if he won’t do this, he’s not worth your anguish.
 
Cathlie,

Is it possible this man is looking to you as a way of immigrating to the USA more than truly being in love with you?

I had a friend who had that experience. He was Bolivian. They had been corresponding with each other for over a year when she went down there and got married.

When he came to the USA, their “marriage” lasted about a year, in which they had a baby.

Then he dumped her and told her he really was just looking to get into the states.

She had been a very vulnerable woman who was desperate to get married and to have someone love her.

She thought she had found it. What she found was that someone sensed her vulnerabilities and her desperation and preyed upon that to meet his own agenda

Getting into America by marrying an American.
 
Never, never, never.

If you have children, and if you divorce, you will have no rights to them.
international-divorce.com/egypt_child_abduction.htm
**
Parental Kidnapping:
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The removal of a child by the non-custodial parent to or within Egypt is not a crime in Egypt unless the child is subject to Egyptian court-ordered travel restrictions. Additionally, parents should be aware that they must work within the Egyptian court system in order to obtain legal custody of the child in Egypt.
**
Google examples of this. It is heartbreaking.

Also research FGM. ** If you have a girl, this should be of grave concern to you (and her!)**
Official Egyptian statistics say 96 percent of women aged 15 to 49,
Christians and Muslims alike, have undergone what the UN prefers to call
female genital mutilation, or FGM.
unicef.org/infobycountry/egypt_statistics.html

You state he is Catholic. Coptic? Roman? Less than 1% of the Egyptian population is Catholic. How difficult will it be to practice your faith? Are you comfortable living among mostly Muslims?

Read this: travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/cis/cis_1108.html

Nope, would never marry under these circumstances - not until he renounces his Egyptian citizenship and spends a minimum of 1 year over here dating you. (no sex!). If he is not willing to do that for you, then he is not the one. I see huge red flags all over this.
 
I agree, if the man really loves you he will move to the US. I thought at first maybe you were talking about Mexico or some other place like that, but Egypt is a Muslim country and a very bad place to live if you’re a woman.

Any daughters you may have with him will not be able to live good lives.

I think you really need to read stories of people who were deeply in love, but then broke up, and despite initial pain got over it and moved on. Most of us have these stories in our past, since it’s simply unlikely for people to stay with their first love.

You need to be practical and force yourself to leave this man and get over him. Living in a Muslim country and raising daughters in a Muslim country is not something you want to do.
 
Recently on Relevant Radio I heard them talking of how Christian (Catholic and Coptic) young women are kidnapped by Muslim men in Egypt. The young women are forced into marriage by a sort of black mail. They are then forced to become Muslim. And the families don’t hear anything back from the girls once they disappear but for ransom notes for money.

catholic.org/international/international_story.php?id=33483
freecopts.net/english/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=167

I would seriously reconsider wanting to move to Egypt as a women and raise any daughters there as Christian.
 
There are lots of solid responses to the initial problem.

I’ll say what the others have said - You cannot change him! He has to be willing to change, with the Grace of God.

What are some of these issues? If you don’t want to share, that’s fine. It’s just that if you see these issues now, they will only be more annoying in the marriage. Because you can’t change him.

He’s in Egypt. Do you know if he’s being faithful to you? You’re half a world a way. You may never know if he’s got another girlfriend or even a bunch of flings. Be very careful.

End this relationship because you will never be happy in Egypt. Other post-ers are 100% correct in their concerns. If he really loves you, he needs to move to the USA. (He’ll have better spiritual opportunities in the USA, too.) For the good of both of you, he needs to get himself together.

Just tell him what that he has some issues you aren’t comfortable and that you know you will both be better off living in the USA. See what he says to that!
 
It seems everyone came down pretty hard on this lady, and they usually do when anyone brings up marriage on this forum. But people seem to forget about love. They just dismiss love automatically, as if people marry based solely on logic and cool calculations.
 
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