Parents don't like boyfriend (fiance-to-be)

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ElizabethAnn has the same thought as I do.

I’m a parent. If my young adult child started dating someone, that someone did not seem to want to marry my daughter, my daughter moved away to the town where that person is and did not speak to me for 2 years, I’d not exactly be doing backflips of joy about it.
 
I moved out because I was being insulted constantly by my parents and my dad threatened to kill my boyfriend. I also found a much better job where I am right now. I do believe that they think I moved out because of him; however, they didn’t like him before that, so it doesn’t matter. I wish they would see that their attitude was negatively affecting my health as well and I couldn’t stay with them living like that and neglecting my health or sanity, for that matter.
 
It is worth mentioning that during those two years I tried to establish contact with my parents, but as I said above they would always come back with insults that ended up making me go through a severe depression. No need to go into all the details, because this already sounds like a soap opera! Sadly it does and I wish it wouldn’t. I’m not saying that I’ve handled things really well with my parents and my boyfriend would be the first one to point that out, because he would tell me to call them, but I wouldn’t, because every time I did they would insult me or yell and that hurt me even more than not talking to them at all. Sometimes you think you’re strong until the people who are supposed to know you the best tell you things that not even your worst enemies say. I just wish they would also see my side of things and how difficult they have made things when they really shouldn’t be.
 
You are 25 years old -not a child by any stretch. Since your parents threatened to kill your boyfriend we are not dealing with normal, rational people. You said your boyfriend has done nothing wrong. What would be the reason for the threat? If they are prone to such kinds of behavior I wouldn’t hold my breath for things to change.

If your family is as disfunctional as you say than you need to make life decisions independantly. Your parents can not live your life for you and you will be living it (God willing) long after they are gone. You are not a minor child but a grown woman. If you believe you are being called to marriage to this man than begin your precana classes/sessions and start to plan your wedding. Obviously I wouldn’t look for any financial support from your parents as far as the wedding goes.
 
rayne89 said:
You are 25 years old -not a child by any stretch. Since your parents threatened to kill your boyfriend we are not dealing with normal, rational people. You said your boyfriend has done nothing wrong. What would be the reason for the threat? If they are prone to such kinds of behavior I wouldn’t hold my breath for things to change.

If your family is as disfunctional as you say than you need to make life decisions independantly. Your parents can not live your life for you and you will be living it (God willing) long after they are gone. You are not a minor child but a grown woman. If you believe you are being called to marriage to this man than begin your precana classes/sessions and start to plan your wedding. Obviously I wouldn’t look for any financial support from your parents as far as the wedding goes.
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I think this is good advice and add when you present the first grandchild they will sing a diff tune, try not to be bitter but keep your distance you have your own life to live. They may not have a much money to give the wedding you want so spend it yourself but don’t slurge and then later they may pay you back. Mine sort of did that afterwards like “o since I guess we were wrong blah blah blah…” they paid me back.
 
I’m going to be blunt, and maybe offend everyone reading this post.

I think that there is alot of DRAMA right now going on because 1. Many families tend towards drama if they don’t get frequent and good counseling and 2. Becuase you are at the stage in life where you make life choices. You choose path A, B, or C and they affect the rest of your adult life.

So things are up in the air. And people are fighting for the way that they think things should go.

I believe that this drama will calm down drastically once you are married and your family can’t do anything about it. Maybe not all at once, but after a few years, and ESPECIALLY after a grandchild is introduced into the picture.

What you need to do in the mean time is hit up the books on TOXIC Parents, TOXIC People, etc…

You need to learn how to deal with people that are unreasonable and will not acknowledge your rights in making adult decisions for your own life.

Also, I would strongly consider getting private counseling for your own personal well-being. If you are with-out a support system that families usually provide and are to the point where you actually break-up with your boyfriend over decisions he makes without you, then you are in a vulnerable position and might cling to emotional crutches to feel safe and secure.

I don’t know exactly what your position is BUT everyone can benefit from having their own personal counseling to learn how to deal with life and to look at oneself from an outside perspective.

If you want communication with your parents before marriage, then I strongly suggest you only do it in the presence of a priest or counselor. It is very rare for parent’s with a history of belittling their child to be ‘convinced’ by that child of anything. The most you could hope for is that they learn boundaries with respect to what a priest or counselor says and hopefully they want a relationship with you badly enough that they will respect your boundaries.

Also, having them pay for the wedding will put you at their mercy. It will only be their human nature to make this wedding ‘heck’ for you if they are footing any of the bills.

2 years is plenty of time to save for a decent wedding, reception and savings for living afterwards.
 
Augustinian82 said:
It is worth mentioning that during those two years I tried to establish contact with my parents, but as I said above they would always come back with insults that ended up making me go through a severe depression. No need to go into all the details, because this already sounds like a soap opera! Sadly it does and I wish it wouldn’t. I’m not saying that I’ve handled things really well with my parents and my boyfriend would be the first one to point that out, because he would tell me to call them, but I wouldn’t, because every time I did they would insult me or yell and that hurt me even more than not talking to them at all. Sometimes you think you’re strong until the people who are supposed to know you the best tell you things that not even your worst enemies say. I just wish they would also see my side of things and how difficult they have made things when they really shouldn’t be.
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Insults? DEATH THREATS???

Your parents are abusive. I don’t know if they always behave that way, but it just seems to me that this pattern could repeat itself with anybody you date. And I would not trust them with any children you have. When it comes to abusive people, don’t lose any sleep trying to maintain a good relationship with them - THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT!!!

My advice is that you become or stay financially independent of them. I personally think the fact that you had to move out of town for your job was a blessing and opportunity for you.
 
Augustinian82 said:
I moved out because I was being insulted constantly by my parents and my dad threatened to kill my boyfriend. I also found a much better job where I am right now. I do believe that they think I moved out because of him; however, they didn’t like him before that, so it doesn’t matter. I wish they would see that their attitude was negatively affecting my health as well and I couldn’t stay with them living like that and neglecting my health or sanity, for that matter.
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Augustinian82,

I am sure you are telling the truth, but what I was trying to point out is that your parents most likely do not see things the way you do. Have you told them everything you have told us? If you haven’t already, tell them what effect their distructive behavior has had on you and your health.

If you have told them and they do not make any changes, you may be forced to not contact them in the future as well.

God bless you. I know this is a difficult situation, and I pray that God will guide you through it.
 
ElizabethAnne,

I completely understand where you’re coming from and, trust me, I’ve tried explaining to them how I’ve been affected by their attitudes, but they won’t recognize anything, they won’t apologize. I have apologized to them for a lot of things, but whenever we talk about these things, it’s always my fault and they have never done anything wrong. It’s hard to establish such a serious conversation with them when one party is not willing to listen and admit fault, because it becomes then a monologue.

They told me then that if I moved back home that they would accept my boyfriend and would be happy to have him over. To me that’s not love. That’s a conditional love and manipulative as well.
 
I agree with the others who said it is not worth it for them to pay for the wedding ( sounds like they wont anyways ). A lot of people don’t have their parents pay for their weddings anymore. You can do what you want with your own budget, as small as it may be.

All the best!
 
Augustinian82 said:
ElizabethAnne,

I completely understand where you’re coming from and, trust me, I’ve tried explaining to them how I’ve been affected by their attitudes, but they won’t recognize anything, they won’t apologize. I have apologized to them for a lot of things, but whenever we talk about these things, it’s always my fault and they have never done anything wrong. It’s hard to establish such a serious conversation with them when one party is not willing to listen and admit fault, because it becomes then a monologue.

They told me then that if I moved back home that they would accept my boyfriend and would be happy to have him over. To me that’s not love. That’s a conditional love and manipulative as well.
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Augustinian,

Now that I have a clearer picture of the background, I agree with other posters who have said that you are dealing with abusive people here. You should not feel obligated to call them or play into their games. For your sanity’s sake, you will need to keep them at a distance.

Your first post was unclear. You said your parents think you are too young to get married, that they are “old fashioned” and that you moved far away from them to be near your boyfriend. You said nothing about their abusive behavior, which is the real problem in your situation.

I think you may need to realize that your parents are never going to be able to give you what you want from them. They are either incapable or they just plain won’t do it. They will likely never give you their blessing to marry your boyfriend and they may very well not agree with the wedding.

I agree with other posters who have suggested that you should seek counseling for yourself. If you are still feeling a need to make them happy or to gain their approval to the point of becoming depressed, then you really need to talk this out. Your parents have become very good at manipulating you, and you must learn how to stop allowing them to do so. Not that it is your fault by any means that this has happened because I am sure you did not want it to, but it sounds like you do not yet have the skills you will need in order to deal with them and not get sucked into their dysfunction.

God bless you.
 
Thanks, I really didn’t want to come out and say so many personal things right off the bat, that’s why I wasn’t specific. I’ve gotten to a point that I don’t care anymore, in the sense that it doesn’t affect me as much as it did months ago. It is still sad, obviously, but I can’t let it affect me the way that it used to. My boyfriend calms me down and just says not to worry about it and that he is going to win over my parents eventually and I think that is true as some of you have said: probably not until we have a child though.

I’m not counting on them to pay for our wedding and they probably would want it more extravagant than my bf and I want it anyway. We want something very simple and modest.
 
Augustinian82 said:
Thanks, I really didn’t want to come out and say so many personal things right off the bat, that’s why I wasn’t specific. I’ve gotten to a point that I don’t care anymore, in the sense that it doesn’t affect me as much as it did months ago. It is still sad, obviously, but I can’t let it affect me the way that it used to. My boyfriend calms me down and just says not to worry about it and that he is going to win over my parents eventually and I think that is true as some of you have said: probably not until we have a child though.

I’m not counting on them to pay for our wedding and they probably would want it more extravagant than my bf and I want it anyway. We want something very simple and modest.
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My daughter has a similar problem- only HIS parents are the pains.My daughter is chilean her boy friend puerto rican my husband and I are not Hispanic , my kids are adopted. They met and have been dating on and off for the last four years- mostly off. The reason? It changed from year to year.his parents said"she’s too young"ok that could be.“she lives too far away”, She’ll distract you from you’re college studies" and the kicker “she’s not on your level” When he was younger they threatened to kick him out if he did not comply- at 16 what could he do? at 20 he told them to MTOB .Why do they dislike her? they only met her once. I can’t help think it’s a control issue.His father is the king and her boyfriend was supposed to get permission first before he can seriously date anyone!!.Mucho Macho. The whole thing is they are so happy when they are together and so miserable when they are not. Both have had other boy/girl friends- both have had really bad relationships.-He snuck up one weekend from college to see her and all hell broke lose- His father even threatened to clear out his dorm room and take him out of college- but since the kid paid for it the old man had nothing to stand on. Controlling. I wrote a letter to his family assuring him that my daughter was not a gold-digger-she was not there to ruin their sons life and instead of distracting each other from their schooling /future they are actually helping each other to succeed-.That finally stopped the drama.Maybe you have to use some Old Country methods- like having his mom and dad tell yours what kind of family they are and what kind of character their son has. and sweetie take my advice-make him set a date. It doesn’t have to be this year or next but putting his feet to the fire might help the entire situation. ( I know it will make you feel better:) ) God Bless-I’ll pray for you!!
 
Augustinian82 said:
Thanks, I really didn’t want to come out and say so many personal things right off the bat, that’s why I wasn’t specific. I’ve gotten to a point that I don’t care anymore, in the sense that it doesn’t affect me as much as it did months ago. It is still sad, obviously, but I can’t let it affect me the way that it used to. My boyfriend calms me down and just says not to worry about it and that he is going to win over my parents eventually and I think that is true as some of you have said: probably not until we have a child though.

I’m not counting on them to pay for our wedding and they probably would want it more extravagant than my bf and I want it anyway. We want something very simple and modest.
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God bless you and I will keep you and your bf in prayers. You have a very difficult situation, but I do agree with those who say you should get counseling. You don’t want to start a marriage with emotional baggage for it will stress the marriage and make it more unhappy.

I too am hispanic and my dh is not. My parents did not like him either, but it was because of his anger and immaturity. They also wanted me to marry a hispanic, but they accepted him for love of me and did this to make me happy. If your parents, how do sound irrational, can’t accept him, then you live your life with him.

I will pray for your parents also. Hang in there and just keep praying and ask the Lord what is His will for you and your bf. I think it is great that you are still a virgin. I was married at the age of 33 and I was a virgin and so was my husband. It is nice to hear that people like you wait until marriage. 👍
 
Hispanic and Catholic and I come from a dysfunctional family.

We could be sisters.

Most hispanic families freak out at the idea of their “baby” leaving them.
They assume that we will stay and take care of them until they die.
After all if you don’t who will?

Pretty scary for them.

No you are not to young.

And yes you can still honor your parents by following Christ.

God says “Go to Mass.”

Mom says “Stay home.”

Who do you listen too?

If you are under 18…you have no choice. MOM.

But you? Are not a child. Follow God.
Prepare for the Holy Sacrament of Matrimony.
Follow your priests advice. God bless you little sister.
If I can manage to raise 5 children and stay in a blessed marriage, so can you.

God called me to marriage very young. We waited until we did not need anyones consent.
We gave them the date and let them decide to show up.
They did.

My mother and father live 4 blocks from us now.
Mom had a stroke. My father has had a heart attack.
They need my constant assurance that I am there for them.
They drive me crazy.
My Mom could make Mother Teresa pull out her own hair.
I pray alot!

Give it up to God. Place your worries in Him.
Trust in Him. Have Faith in Him.
 
Thanks everybody. All your words and advice without exception bring a lot of comfort to this difficult situation.

May the Lord in His infinite love and mercy bless you and your family this Advent season!
 
I will say a prayer for our situation to resolve. I have 4 children, three old enough to marry. They moved out and I would welcome the situation you descrive for any one of my daughters. I think maybe you need to try one more time to reason with them, perhaps in a letter. Once they realize it really is happening perhpas they will come around. Is their priest someone you could talk to for an intervention perhaps? It sounds like you have a friend in Grandma, so that is at least some comfort. My prayers are with you.

In the end, they don’t have to like him for you to have a wonderful life. They will be the ones missing out. This is an age old problem. God bless you.
 
Thanks Fitz!

Oh man, I’ve tried the letter, the priest and everything! They would not talk to our priest after I moved out even though he attempted many times to talk to them. In fact, they even stopped going to our parish for 7 years, just because our priest there didn’t agree with their behavior towards me and my bf. I tried a couple of letters, but that didn’t work either.

I’ve already asked my mom, “what are you going to do when my bf and I get married next year?” every time she has something negative to say about him and she said “I don’t know” and then proceeds to tell me what a horrible person I am and what not. Sigh… they seem to have an idea of me that is not real. My grandma said that they thought that my bf and I were going to get married secretly this past summer without telling anyone… it’s just stupid stuff like that. I don’t think it would come as a surprise to them when I tell them that we’re getting married, but as some of you said, if they oppose (without having any concrete reasons to do so, obviously) I will just have to tell them that they are invited if they want to attend.

One thing I have to say though is that I can see parents ruining marriages and interfering negatively. I saw that with my dad’s family and how it affected my parents’ marriage. I will NOT allow my family to do that once I’m married. I suffered a lot as a child as a consequence for that, so if it’s about ending ties with them temporarily, because they can’t do anything but talk bad things about my bf (or husband then), I am 100% willing to do that.
 
Augustinian82 said:
Sigh… they seem to have an idea of me that is not real. My grandma said that they thought that my bf and I were going to get married secretly this past summer without telling anyone… it’s just stupid stuff like that. I don’t think it would come as a surprise to them when I tell them that we’re getting married, but as some of you said, if they oppose (without having any concrete reasons to do so, obviously) I will just have to tell them that they are invited if they want to attend.
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Your parents may see something about the boyfriend that you don’t.

At 25 you need to act fast. You’ve had about ten years of young adulthood. Pretty soon, if you choose to reject this boyfriend, your age will be a barrier.

So take a cool look and choose between him and your parents, remembering that if you get it wrong you’ll have to live with the consequences for the rest of your life. If the parents are so hostile I wouldn’t bother with all the antagonism of an engagement, just get married. If you decide not to go with him, don’t tell him - he’s got zero rights over you at the moment, including the right to know whether his proposals are hopeless - but start looking for alternatives within the next few days.
 
Malcolm_McLean said:
Your parents may see something about the boyfriend that you don’t.
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Then the parents should tell OP exactly what their concerns are instead of playing games and making death threats. The OP needs a better explanation than “I don’t like him”. So far the only objection the parents have supplied is income level.
 
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