Parents' obligation to their Child?

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littlecatechist

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Hello there!

I have a rather specific issue that I was looking for perspective on. I am the Godmother to a beautiful, innocent baby girl who is the daughter of my best friend, also a Catholic. Unfortunately, my friend has made some mistakes in life (who hasn’t) and is a single mother.

My question concerns the father of her child who is also a Catholic at my parish and I occasionally see him there. His family has a lot of influence in the parish and I truly believe that they have successfully covered up the existence of his daughter. He hasn’t spoken to his girlfriend since she was 16 weeks pregnant, has never met his daughter and has never admitted her existence to anyone as far as I can tell. I’m convinced that I am one of very few people in my parish who knows about this.

So far, I have kept it to myself because I don’t want to cause a big scandal and drag his name through the mud. I really bear him no ill-will and I truly only wish him well. However, this seems to be in conflict with some other things, like the responsibility I have to uphold the dignity of my Goddaughter and, more recently, the fact that he is going to be the Catechist for the high school juniors and seniors.

My question is this: does he have a moral obligation to be in his daughter’s life or to otherwise acknowledge her? If so, how much? As her Godmother, how responsible am I for defending her dignity and rights? As a Catechist, would it be appropriate to have a conversation with the Religious Education Director about this matter?

Thanks!
 
Welcome to the forums. You ask some good questions and I would like to hear the answers as well. All Fathers have an obligation to their children and it is hard to imagine a catechist with a child he or she has basically tried to “pretend” does not exist if I understood your post correctly.

Mary.
 
littlecatechist said:
Hello there!

I have a rather specific issue that I was looking for perspective on. I am the Godmother to a beautiful, innocent baby girl who is the daughter of my best friend, also a Catholic. Unfortunately, my friend has made some mistakes in life (who hasn’t) and is a single mother.

My question concerns the father of her child who is also a Catholic at my parish and I occasionally see him there. His family has a lot of influence in the parish and I truly believe that they have successfully covered up the existence of his daughter. He hasn’t spoken to his girlfriend since she was 16 weeks pregnant, has never met his daughter and has never admitted her existence to anyone as far as I can tell. I’m convinced that I am one of very few people in my parish who knows about this.

So far, I have kept it to myself because I don’t want to cause a big scandal and drag his name through the mud. I really bear him no ill-will and I truly only wish him well. However, this seems to be in conflict with some other things, like the responsibility I have to uphold the dignity of my Goddaughter and, more recently, the fact that he is going to be the Catechist for the high school juniors and seniors.

My question is this: does he have a moral obligation to be in his daughter’s life or to otherwise acknowledge her? If so, how much? As her Godmother, how responsible am I for defending her dignity and rights? As a Catechist, would it be appropriate to have a conversation with the Religious Education Director about this matter?

Thanks!
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Forget about talking with the Religious Education Director. You should talk with your Pastor about this…You might bring up the case of child support with him!
 
MaryT777 said:
Welcome to the forums. You ask some good questions and I would like to hear the answers as well. All Fathers have an obligation to their children and it is hard to imagine a catechist with a child he or she has basically tried to “pretend” does not exist if I understood your post correctly.

Mary.
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Thanks for the warm welcome!

Unfortunately, yes, that is the simplest way to describe the situation. He is actively “pretending” this never happened. Also, he has moved back in with his parents who are also covering for him. And I cannot overstate how involved and influential they are as Catholics in the parish and even in the diocese at large.

Just confused as to if I should focus on the justice of the situation by contacting the RE director or (as pp pointed out) the pastor, or if instead I should just trust that God is seeing his actions and that maybe he truly has a contrite heart that I just can’t see…
 
I agree with the above poster to contact the Pastor. Clearly the young man should be made aware of his responsibilities as a father and this not just a “game of pretend by an influential family” A baby exists and deserves a mother and father.

Mary.
 
The young man should have to marry the mother of his child. He has the moral obligation to do so.
 
His personal obligation is one thing…
teaching teens as a person who is ignoring his duty is a second issue.
Both important.
The DRE will take it to the pastor. He guy doesn’t need to be working with teens. The pastor can direct him as to his obligation to his daughter.
But he should not be a catechist. He can be forgiven, he can live a decent life. But as a parent, I wouldn’t want him teaching at this juncture. As a DRE, I wouldn’t want to put in the position of have to explain it tot he parents once they find out either.
The scandal will happen regardless, and it’s not your doing.
Report, and step away. Let the Pastor handle it. He may want to speak to the child’s mother.
 
littlecatechist said:
Hello there!

I have a rather specific issue that I was looking for perspective on. I am the Godmother to a beautiful, innocent baby girl who is the daughter of my best friend, also a Catholic. Unfortunately, my friend has made some mistakes in life (who hasn’t) and is a single mother.

My question concerns the father of her child who is also a Catholic at my parish and I occasionally see him there. His family has a lot of influence in the parish and I truly believe that they have successfully covered up the existence of his daughter. He hasn’t spoken to his girlfriend since she was 16 weeks pregnant, has never met his daughter and has never admitted her existence to anyone as far as I can tell. I’m convinced that I am one of very few people in my parish who knows about this.

So far, I have kept it to myself because I don’t want to cause a big scandal and drag his name through the mud. I really bear him no ill-will and I truly only wish him well. However, this seems to be in conflict with some other things, like the responsibility I have to uphold the dignity of my Goddaughter and, more recently, the fact that he is going to be the Catechist for the high school juniors and seniors.

My question is this: does he have a moral obligation to be in his daughter’s life or to otherwise acknowledge her? If so, how much? As her Godmother, how responsible am I for defending her dignity and rights? As a Catechist, would it be appropriate to have a conversation with the Religious Education Director about this matter?

Thanks!
Click to expand...
You don’t know what conversations he has had with his priest in the confessional. Leave it alone.

If you can’t, why don’t you do the one thing you didn’t suggest, and talk to the young man privately first, to see what his actual reasons are? It would not be inappropriate for a Goddmother to talk to the biological father, but it would be weird for you head straight to an institutional authority without all the facts.

Otherwise, it would appear as though you are simply trying to strike back at him for the sake of your “best friend.” Throwing her father under the bus is no way to “defend the dignity” of your Goddaughter, and unless you have seen the results of a paternity test, you are operating upon many unproven assumptions.
 
George_Stegmeir said:
Forget about talking with the Religious Education Director. You should talk with your Pastor about this…You might bring up the case of child support with him!
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^^^^ this!!!

Absolutely this guy does have a responsibility towards his child and his actions are of an irresponsible father. I suggest you to talk with the priest about all this. Then let the pastor handle it. I don’t think he should be a cathecist. If this guy would really have a contract heart he would have taken over his parental responsibility.
 
George_Stegmeir said:
Forget about talking with the Religious Education Director. You should talk with your Pastor about this…You might bring up the case of child support with him!
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I would echo this advice. If you want to avoid the possibility of scandal/detraction, avoid mentioning names until and unless the pastor confirms that this is serious business and that such a person should be shut out of religious ed.
 
Discerning13 said:
The young man should have to marry the mother of his child. He has the moral obligation to do so.
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No, The Church teaches that marriage should be entered into freely, not at the point of a shotgun 😉 Seriously, marrying solely because of a baby’s existence is grounds for a finding of nullity, so… people need to not be forced into marriage.

However, he does have finanical and fathering responsibilities to the child which he ought to be carrying out but does not seem to be. However, we do not know the whole situation, so I will leave it at that general statement.
 
1newcatholic said:
You don’t know what conversations he has had with his priest in the confessional. Leave it alone.

If you can’t, why don’t you do the one thing you didn’t suggest, and talk to the young man privately first, to see what his actual reasons are? It would not be inappropriate for a Goddmother to talk to the biological father, but it would be weird for you head straight to an institutional authority without all the facts.

Otherwise, it would appear as though you are simply trying to strike back at him for the sake of your “best friend.” Throwing her father under the bus is no way to “defend the dignity” of your Goddaughter, and unless you have seen the results of a paternity test, you are operating upon many unproven assumptions.
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👍

OP,
As you said in your post, he has made some mistakes. But who hasn’t? Oh, wait, that is how you described her life. But doesn’t that apply to him as well?

Since you didn’t say that you have spoken to your friend about what to do, don’t you think that is your first step? Doesn’t she have some say in what you do? Could it be that there is an agreement between the two of them? Does she want him in her life?
 
Was there anything brought up in Baptism preparation regarding the Father? What about at the baptism itself? I only bring this up because you mentioned you are the Godmother and I assumed you attended the Baptism and maybe Baptism preparation.
 
Have you discussed this with the baby’s mother? Is she aware if the harm that is being done to her DD by not receiving financial, if not emotional, support from her father?

I cannot fathom the depth of evil that lies in the heart of these “Catholic” grandparents that make them treasure their reputation above the blessings of a grandchild. Perhaps the child is better off without them in her life.
 
…pray for wisdom and hold your fire…sometimes the timetable of our Lord’s revelation and our need to know and act aren’t the same. Just love your Goddaughter.
 
I am missing something here. Why is there any need to bring the sin of another to the pastor or religious education director? I cannot reconcile wanting to avoid scandal and wanting to air the sins of another. The title of this thread indicates the question of what the parent (this man) should do, not whether his actions should be the subject of gossip. He should step up to his responsibility. Likewise, anyone that knows the sin of another needs to be careful to avoid the sin of calumny.

I would only advise that if one does not know when one is being a gossip and one is being concerned, ask one’s pastor, not using names, and see if he thinks it needs to be public. Priest usually have a better handle on confidentiality than most.
 
Many good responses!

First I would like to restate that I am concerned about unnecessarily ‘airing’ sins as someoneput it. I Don’t want to start a big uproar and I am actually worried about doing so. That said, I am willing to if it’s a moral obligation of mine, which is what I was trying to determine.

I like the idea of descriping the situation anonymously and letting them tell me if its important to name names after. I’m assuming that he has been to confession, but I don’t know if the pastor could act on that to prevent him from being a carechist - I assume not.

I should also mention that he has been sexually active with multiple girls at once and has all been addicted to porn. This may all have been in the past, and I’d like to assume so and leave it alone, but I’m concerned that there’s a safety issue with him working g with late teenage girls? He’s 23
 
If you have real concern that he may be sexually inappropriate with the girls based on past behavior I would go to the pastor with that concern. I think that is very important.

As far as the other issue. As others have said, there may be good reasons that the mother does not press to have this man actively involved in her or their child’s life, and that may include issues of sexual impropriety etc. She may feel she and the child are not safe with him. Don’t act on that subject unless and until you know more and the mother has made clear her intention.

I know many women who say they would rather have no support financial or otherwise from a man than to have him in any way involved in her life and the life of the child.

I don’t think it is up to you to “out” him on that issue, nor it is the place of a godparent to step in unless the child is being abused or not being taken care of spiritually or physically.

But if you believe the students to be in danger, I think you morally must address the issue with the pastor.
 
littlecatechist said:
I should also mention that he has been sexually active with multiple girls at once and has all been addicted to porn. This may all have been in the past, and I’d like to assume so and leave it alone, but I’m concerned that there’s a safety issue with him working g with late teenage girls? He’s 23
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Why should you also mention this?

Do you believe this is currently a problem? Do you have cause to believe that he would assault someone?

I am sorry to say that it does sound like you simply want to air his dirty laundry.
 
schaeffer said:
But if you believe the students to be in danger, I think you morally must address the issue with the pastor.
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Yes, this is my primary concern.

The little girl is 8 months old and if I was going to pursue him for her sake I probably would have done it by now. I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s reformed his life now, but I don’t know for certain and it probably isn’t prudent to put him in a position of authority over this little girl that he obviously has no empathy for. I’d be lying to say that I wasn’t concerned if continuing denial of your child’s existence/relation to you is actively sinful, but I’ll just leave that between him and his confessor. 🙂

However, what really sparked me to seek advice was the fact that I went to the catechists’ pre-school year meeting this week and saw him there and his nametag indicated that he would be teaching the 11th and 12th graders. I feel like there is a potential, maybe small - I don’t know, safety concern for the teenagers. I was trying to discern if the safety concern was a big enough issue to merit bringing this to someone of authority in a prudential manner.

I was thinking I would set up a private meeting with the DRE and not mention names at first, describe the situation, and let her tell me if she needs his name and also let her decide to escalate it to the Pastor if she thinks it’s necessary, then after that leave it alone. Do you guys think that this is a both a moral *and *charitable course of action?
 
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