Parents vs. Me vs. Relationship

[betabeta]

betabeta, my parents never approved of my husband either. We started dating the spring of 02 while we were both in high school, got married winter of 07 while we were both in college, and had our first baby last month after we had both graduated from college. My mom died spring of 05 and at the funeral a coworker of hers asked how it was going with a certain tutor of mine… apparently mom was hoping I would end my current relationship and start dating the tutor Just a few months ago my dad said I need to make sure I can take care of myself if my husband leaves me nice advice for a very pregnant lady. My husband is very sad that my parents do not like him. Dad is way too protective of “his baby” and refuses to acknowledge that I am an adult. I think if mom would have lived until her granddaughter was born, she would have changed her mind about my husband – what grandmother can be mad at the man that helped give her the first grandbaby – but that didn’t change dad’s mind. If anything, he’s giving more unwanted advice about raising the baby.

Be prepared for the fact that your parents might not change their mind and you might have to make some topics off limits or stop talking to them altogether until they respect you and your choices. Even if you are behaving like a foolish little child (it does not sound like that is the case btw) they need to respect the fact you are an adult and you need to make your own mistakes now. They can’t protect you forever. PM me if you want to talk in more detail since our situations seem similar.

I’m so sorry that you lost your mother and she never had a chance to see the truth and goodness of your family and grandchild It seems like your father might be directing the anger of his grieving towards you and your family, which only makes the situation more sad. I’ve heard of many situations where a grandchild usually diffuses the difficulties, but sometimes it can make the controlling tendencies worse.

Hopefully my discussion with my own parents goes ok tomorrow, but it is difficult to come to grips with the fact that they may never change their minds and continue to harden their hearts… I’ve read and re-read the book “Mom Factor” (by Christian psychologists Cloud & Townsend) which has helped me to examine my upbringing and myself and how they’ve influenced my situation. The nice thing is that it is written from a Christian perspective and focuses on seeking reconciliation and support rather than blaming one’s mother for all of the issues.

I hope that your father will realize how much the situation is hurting all of you and be more forgiving. My prayers are with you and your family and thank you for sharing your struggles!

 

[mommamia]

Its not so easy to be on the other side either . My MIL doesn’t like me, never liked me, and refuses to even try to like me. I took her baby. We do try to be civil, but sometimes it is hard, the woman asked dh if he was going to get a DNA test after each of our children were born.

You and your boyfriend need to talk about this. He needs to know that you are able to be a true and faithful wife, even if that means doing so without your parents approval. Lets face it, every time dh visits his parents he gets an ear full about how I’m not a good enough wife/mother/person… I NEED to know that he loves me enough not to be swayed by her. She twists things I say, and does her best to make it look like I am some kind of monster.
Are you and him both prepared for the fact that they may never come around?? We are often excluded from family functions, and our children have been exposed to her badmouthing me in front of them.

I tried everything I could think of to win her over, but eventually I had to give up. Thankfully dh is willing to tell her when she has gone too far, and when necessary has stopped visiting until she agreed to behave. You are smart to be thinking about this now. Good luck and blessings.

 

[mantilla410]

betabeta, you poor thing! I feel for you, I really do. I had the same situation except I married a former evangelical protestant Sunday school teacher. :bigyikes: This April we will be married 14 years. Hopefully, time, tides and prayers will work on them as they worked on my Mom.

Too bad you can’t use that with your parents: "See, Mom and Dad, BF is a prince! I could have brought home an Oral Roberts grad!

 

[betabeta]

betabeta, you poor thing! I feel for you, I really do. I had the same situation except I married a former evangelical protestant Sunday school teacher. :bigyikes: This April we will be married 14 years. Hopefully, time, tides and prayers will work on them as they worked on my Mom.

Too bad you can’t use that with your parents: "See, Mom and Dad, BF is a prince! I could have brought home an Oral Roberts grad!

Haha, thanks My deacon really doesn’t get their issue because both of his daughters married non-Catholics… he’s not thrilled with it by any means, but respected his daughter’s choices and knew that both husbands truly desired to love and support them, regardless of whether they shared the Catholic faith. My parents just need some perspective… maybe I should pretend to break up with my boyfriend and bring home an atheist punk rock biker or something?

 

[betabeta]

I’ll pray for you. I just want to tell you a story about my older sister and her husband. They’ve been married for about 30 years now. (I’m 45 just to give you an indication of my age). But for along time my parents didn’t like him. We all thought he was arrogant and abrupt at times-but then again so is my sister! He has been with my sister through thick & thin…there is no other woman for him. We are all amazed that they are still married. And what a guy he turned out to be-we all have so much affection, love and respect for him. A few years ago my sister was on a diet and my brother in law was talking to me about her and her diet and he said I don’t care how much she weighs-I love her, no matter what.

I just would like to say something else-your a grown woman you need to find someone you can live with and grow old with. Not someone your parents can grow old with. Three years is a long time invested and today good men are hard to find. If you have a special one consider yourself blessed-there are way too many frogs. Believe me I know

So true! Thank you for your prayers Why would my parents care so much about what they think my relationship should be when I AM the one that would be spending the rest of my life with that person? If I wanted him to be exactly like my parents, what would the point be for me separating myself from them as an adult and not just living at home for the rest of my life? Isn’t that the point of growing up?

God bless!

 

[betabeta]

So with hope and prayer, if this is what God is truly calling you to do, there may be a time when your parents come around. Just keep your heart open to your parents, keep reminding them how much you love them, and with God’s grace they will eventually understand that.

Thank you, thank you! I need to ask for strength from God to be open to His will and to trying my hardest to make the best of this situation. I don’t know if my parents would go to the extreme of not attending the wedding, but I know the planning process and sacrament itself, which is supposed to be such a source of joy for everyone involved, would feel so hollow and empty if I couldn’t fully share in the excitement with my sisters, mother and father. I know that I’d survive if that happened because I am blessed to have many friends and other family members who care for me… and my boyfriend’s family has always welcomed our relationship and supported it. I think I just need to offer up this struggle and hope that it makes things easier on my younger sisters if they ever encounter a similar situation… since it’s always the most difficult for parents to let their oldest daughter go.

God bless you and your family!

 

[Highwayhound]

Okay, it is early Sunday morning before mass. I will take the time to ask, “How did your talk with the parents go?”

God bless

 

[betabeta]

Okay, it is early Sunday morning before mass. I will take the time to ask, “How did your talk with the parents go?”

God bless

It went pretty well! The first two hours of the talk were very difficult because it was a lot of both sides asserting how we felt that we’d been wronged or offended in the situation. I spoke of feeling disrespected, shunned and unfairly victimized by their attitudes and actions… but they turned around and accused me of the same things and wouldn’t acknowledge my right to feel those things, denied the offenses from having ever occured, and placed entirety of the fault for the situation on me. They believed that I was the only one in the situation with unjustified anger and bitterness and I had to humbly apologize for everything that I’d done wrong over the past several years.

The tide began to turn when my parents started admitting what they were truly angry about and I clarified why I had been pulling back from my relationship with my family… it really did help to constantly remind them that I loved them and wanted to establish a healthy and respectful adult relationship with them. The major hurdle was coming to terms with how to successfully agree to disagree… because after we’d agree to disagree on something, they would proceed to lecture me as to why they thought they were right and I was wrong. I had to cut them off several times and point out what they were doing… if they didn’t want to listen to my reasoning for disagreeing with them about their concerns for my relationship, I didn’t want to hear theirs either. It was also conceded that there was anger and bitterness on their side towards my relationship because they sought to blame it for pulling me away from or leading me to resent my family.

We both made the initial blanket apologies to and forgiveness of one another which is a promising start, although I don’t think that we’ll instantly be able to let go of everything. We need to work first towards beginning to repair the relationship between us and then I think there will be more openness to include my boyfriend. They promised to be more open to including my relationship (in conversation, get togethers), getting to know my boyfriend on a deeper level, re-evaluate their concerns over time, allowing us openly discuss sharing holidays between our families, etc. They will continue to hold onto their concerns (guilty until proven innocent, I guess), but will try to not hold them against him and work towards treating him more kindly. Hopefully my sisters will work on this, too, because they have made even less effort to make him feel welcome in the family, reflect my parents’ attitudes like mirrors and openly resent anyone breaking up tight-knit family bonds and traditions that does not perfectly dovetail into our family dynamic. My boyfriend is relieved to know that assertiveness in seeking forgiveness and acceptance on his part will no longer meet such silent resistance; I continue to pray that he can forgive my parents and be able to move forward from this situation with me. Change and growth in a family is a good thing, but they haven’t necessarily accepted it yet and as the oldest daughter… I bear the duty of breaking the family in… I’m just feeling a lot more hopeful now than I did previously.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers! I think this past Sunday’s homily was speaking right to me and that Lent will be a good opportunity for me to work through my remaining personal struggles with this situation and grow in peace and understanding. I pray that all of you have a blessed and fruitful Lent.

In Christ,

 

[dixieagle]

Betabeta,

I’m so glad that the air has been somewhat cleared; at least that’s a start!

Some of this became clear when you mentioned that you are the eldest daughter in a very close-knit family. Honey, we parents (we have two wonderful daughters, 24 and 27, now both married) make all our worst mistakes on the first one!!! You’re the “practice child” - as I was. My parents were incredibly strict (I lived at home and commuted to college an hour away, as they wouldn’t let me live on campus). I met my husband our freshman year (in theology class, yet) and they hated his long hair - but they never let on to him, only me. I was fortunate in that they treated him well, good Catholic boy that he was, and grew to really love him.

This is just a very bad bout of growing pains - all the way around! Your parents are fearful and concerned, and have a hard time accepting that the family dynamic has changed forever. Keep plugging away, bring your boyfriend around, let them see his good qualities, and make it clear that he’s not going to be scared away. I think that things will gradually improve…you have your head on straight and are a daughter to be proud of. God bless you in this.

 

[TigerKitty]

Beta -

I think you need to really pray and listen to the answer on this one…

It’s a tricky thing - choosing a mate. Trust your heart - but know that if your family has concerns…at least listen to them. But, in the end, the decision is YOURS to make.

• TK

 

[betabeta]

For some reason today, I remembered all of your kind words in encouraging me through a very difficult patch last year in my relationship with my family. I don’t know if any of you recall this particular thread or if you’ll receive notice on my post to this thread, but I wanted to thank all of you now for your prayers and support last spring.

We (boyfriend and I) just got engaged this past Christmas and will be getting married next May when my fiance finishes with school! My relationship with my parents has taken a complete 180 and has been improving drastically over the past year when we finally managed to fruitfully discuss our differences, forgive one another and move forward. The planning and preparation process has been so much more enjoyable so far being able to share the experience with my parents… most recently being able to go dress shopping with just my mom

Again, thank you and God bless all of you this year!

 

[Randi]

I hate to be blunt here, but because of what happened in my family I feel it is necessary.
My parents first pushed me to act on my instinct that my sometimes-boyfriend was meant to be my husband, then when I did act, by first seriously courting and then becoming engaged, they were furious and overbearing. At the age of 18, I was ready for engagement, and marriage. They wanted us to break up and never see each other again. They would not allow him to visit me in their home, they wouldn’t allow him to visit me out in public after my work shift was over. I was a bit under their thumb, because, after our first year of college, I did not yet have my own living quarters.
They tried to prevent me from returning to college. My grades seriously slipped because of the drama. When I returned to college for my sophomore year, it was under my own power and through serious financial aid and loans. My husband and I eloped very quickly after we returned to college, in order to put to rest the attempts my family (and his!) were making to split us up. We were not happy about eloping, because we had initially attempted to plan a wedding the summer after our freshman year, but his family would not hear of it. But it was the remedy for us, to say to each other and to God that we intend to marry and be together for a lifetime and build a strong family legacy together.
We got through college, our grades immediately improved after elopement and continuing to improve throughout our college years, and we never went home to stay again, because as a married couple, we did not feel it was appropriate to go back to living as single children in our parent’s home, simply because they wouldn’t accept our marriage.
We struck out on our own after college, cross country from family, which was the best thing for us.
Four years after we eloped, my parents’ divorced very messily, and still hate each other. Five years after we eloped, my mother-in-law and step-father-in-law separated and divorced, and later reconciled. Thirteen years after we eloped, my husband and I are more happily married than the day we said ‘I do’ and God keeps blessing us, through all our joys and sorrows, as He brings us closer to Him and closer to each other, and increases our family with beautiful children.
Anyway, sometimes parents think they know better than their adult children and refuse to cut the apron strings. Grown children need to decide for themselves and tell the parents, as respectfully as possible, that they do not need their parents to make decisions for them anymore, even if that means that any kind of support from the parents is withheld (which is exactly what happened in my situation). Sometimes, parents are so focused upon running their grown children’s lives that they do not see the huge flaws in their own lives/marriages that are stretched to the breaking point.
For my father’s sake, even though I was an already married woman for four years (and he knew that), I still submitted to allowing him to have a ‘wedding’ to give away his oldest daughter (me) in marriage. It was a sham, and the immediate family was all aware of that, but he wanted to try to make things right (that effort did not last any longer than the day of the wedding). So my husband and I allowed him to throw a wedding with reception, in order that all of our parents could save face, and also so they could at least give us the wedding we were meant to have in the first place. Unfortunately, over a decade after all of the poor treatment and the anger and the shame directed at me and my husband, and the wounds are only just beginning to heal. To the OP, your parents need to realize that their behavior might cause them, not to gain a son, but to lose a daughter. No matter how loving they think they are being, they are being selfish and short-sighted in trying to control you.

 

[Randi]

I haven’t really been rushing things in my relationship, as we’ve been going out for almost three years and only started meeting with my deacon in the past month or so. We’ve managed to balance things out pretty well and respect one another’s time, despite his demanding schedule.

I do agree that it’s been very difficult for me to put my boyfriend through this as well, but I respect his decision to choose to remain in this relationship despite these challenges. I do not want to leave a good relationship, simply because my parents think I should. He wants to wait on the next step (i.e. engagement) until my parents and I have reconciled our differences successfully and grown into a more adult relationship. The situation has made it impossible for him and my family to truly get to know each other and I think that my family keeps him at an arm’s length because they fear losing their credibility if their initial judgments are untrue.

betabeta -
Sounds like you have a keeper! He sounds wonderful. I hope you and your family are able to reconcile in this matter. Even if they refuse to see in your boyfriend the wonderful things that you see, at some point you two will have to realize that parents make mistakes and marriage is a covenant between you and God and him, not your parents. I really hope it works out, because I know the pain of when it doesn’t.

 

[Randi]

Highwayhound;4837098:

Apologies in advance, I need to figure out that multi-quote trick for replies! I just edited the quote down to what I’m replying to…

I do intend to be this man’s future wife and need to work on overcoming my dependency on parental approval of everything as a child would. To my parents, my entering into a relationship at 21 signalled an abrupt cut-off from their “little girl.” They didn’t trust that I could do just fine on my own and have grown more and more resentful of me not being around all the time or talking to them all the time like I used to (and my sisters still do, thus I am the black sheep). I did at first during the relationship, but my parents’ guidance spiraled into uncharitable, constant criticism and I sought their company less and less. I have told them that I find their criticisms unreasonable and offensive, but my parents persisted in their course and did not regard my reasoning.

The instance that led to my boyfriend being deemed a pathological liar was a story about several of his friends from college and he had mixed up two couples’ methods of meeting… one had met at school and one had met online and both subsequently married. My mom had recalled a previous conversation where a couple mentioned was the other way around and confronted me about it later. This occurred over a year and a half ago and my parents still bring it up. He is an honest person and it was a simple, one-time mix-up. The attempts at joking with my siblings involved a well-intentioned “youngin” (he’s 6 years older than my next youngest sister) that was taken offensively and I was not informed of that fact until my mom told me several weeks later. He interacts more jokingly with his siblings (younger and older sister) and figured he could safely try to joke with my sisters in a similar manner since my sisters and I always teasingly call each other names… lesson learned? Don’t attempt to comfortably joke with someone unless they joke with you first.

As far as his pursuit of his faith, he has several books like Imitation of Christ, Why be Catholic and audio CDs by Jeff Cavins that he reads/listens to on his own… usually before bed! He’s also gone with me to talks like Theology of the Body and Theology on Tap. We sometimes say the rosary together, but are trying to find something that we can discuss more deeply. I like the idea of watching a Catholic movie every week! Are there any series or films that you suggest? His mom works at a church with a pretty substantial library, so he might be able to borrow something from there.

I can understand them choosing to share their concerns with only me, but feel that in the way it’s continued… that the misunderstanding only grows deeper and they cling onto their negative opinions of him because nothing that I’ve said makes any difference to them. Since our relationship has gone on this long, I think that it would be appropriate at this point to meet together to openly discuss and resolve those issues, but my parents have deemed it inappropriate since we aren’t engaged. The catch-22! How will we ever feel truly comfortable entering into an engagement with so much unforgiveness and hostility present?

My boyfriend has attempted to set up a golf outing or lunch with my dad, but they played phone tag for about a month and my dad didn’t return his last call. My parents’ attitude towards this is that I put him up to it and that the attempt was too little, not enough and too late.

Thank you for sharing Maximilian Kolbe’s experience… it’s been helpful to put my situation into perspective. I’ve also been meditating on Christ dying for and forgiving all our sins… and I struggle with my selfishness in holding onto being frustrated and angry and upset with my parents. There is a lot of unforgiveness on both sides… I’m so afraid of just letting go of everything in fear that they will be unable to do the same. My family is great at holding grudges, myself included! What I’m going through is nothing compared to what Christ, Kolbe and countless martyrs endured out of love for God and others. I think I’ll be spending several hours in adoration before my meeting!

God bless!

betabeta -
You have demonstrated a spiritual maturity that humbles me. I really feel that you are taking the right approach in this situation. You have the right to choose your spouse, and you also are honoring your parents, even while they are hurting you. I know that I was not able to deal with my parents’ offenses in such a Christ-like fashion. I also know that my husband and I were following St. Paul’s instruction ‘it is better to marry than to burn with passion’ when we decided to elope, because there was no way that we were going to be able to maintain chastity for year-upon-year until after college and until our parents decided to accept our relationship. You and your boyfriend are light years ahead of where we were at the beginning of our relationship. (It didn’t help that we were at a secular university). Anyway, I have already weighed in on this thread three times now, but it is a topic near and dear to my heart and your story has touched me. May God bless you and your boyfriend, and may He soften the hearts of your family.

 

[Randi]

For some reason today, I remembered all of your kind words in encouraging me through a very difficult patch last year in my relationship with my family. I don’t know if any of you recall this particular thread or if you’ll receive notice on my post to this thread, but I wanted to thank all of you now for your prayers and support last spring.

We (boyfriend and I) just got engaged this past Christmas and will be getting married next May when my fiance finishes with school! My relationship with my parents has taken a complete 180 and has been improving drastically over the past year when we finally managed to fruitfully discuss our differences, forgive one another and move forward. The planning and preparation process has been so much more enjoyable so far being able to share the experience with my parents… most recently being able to go dress shopping with just my mom

Again, thank you and God bless all of you this year!

OMG! I feel so silly. I saw the February time stamp, but did not notice it was from way back in 2009! I thought this was a current topic that I was replying to. I am so embarrassed. I am so happy for you and your family, however. You have been able to overcome so much. Unfortunately, my family will forever be broken, due to family tragedy and a messy divorce and a disownment. You have a much happier future ahead of you. This is good, because I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy the kind of pain that I have had to endure with my family. God bless you all!

 

[betabeta]

OMG! I feel so silly. I saw the February time stamp, but did not notice it was from way back in 2009! I thought this was a current topic that I was replying to. I am so embarrassed. I am so happy for you and your family, however. You have been able to overcome so much. Unfortunately, my family will forever be broken, due to family tragedy and a messy divorce and a disownment. You have a much happier future ahead of you. This is good, because I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy the kind of pain that I have had to endure with my family. God bless you all!

Randi, no worries I’ve done that in many a forum!!! I was also going to post a link to the homily that the priest at my parish gave on the feast of the Holy Family… the Sunday after Christmas that my (now) fiance proposed. I think it might speak to you as well! My fiance and I invited my family to Mass with us and I was dabbing away a few tears at how much it hit home for the set of us in the pew…

cathedralsaintpaul.org/userfiles/Homilies/2009-12-27_homily.MP3

I feel blessed that I’ve been able repair my relationship with my parents… I know that there are many like you (a few people who posted earlier, too!) who have had to bear the pain of irreparably severed family ties. I’ll make sure to pray for you and your family andI hope you are having a blessed Lent!