PARENTS! What do you want from your kid's marriage?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Doople
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

Doople

Guest
OK, I am getting married soon. Just as I believe funerals are for the living, weddings are for the family. I’ll do whatever to please them to give them happy memories and want them to be proud of me. My family is protestant, my fiance’s is catholic. The problem? We’re both atheist (or better, closet-atheist) There is no point in telling them, it would make them upset. What would you prefer as a parent? I want to make both sides of the family very happy. The wedding will be in a botanical park and my dog will be the ring bearer (if he can actually not eat the rings). So no church building or chapel to complicate things. What is expected of me? My fiance’s mom is a very liberal catholic and his dad is very conservative. Both my parents are conservative protestants. They all seem to be a bit open minded or at least “tolerant” of each other’s religions.

So, is there anything I can do (or not do) to make things better? I have decided not to try to not live with my fiance until we get married (even though financially its a strain to rent 2 apartments).

PS, my whole relationship is not centered around my parents, just the wedding is, since I think it is a time for them to be happy.
 
As a parent, I would want to know exactly what my child believed regarding the faith. If my child was an atheist, I would expect that they would not pursue a church wedding. I would actually question whether a marriage took place at all, since there is no belief in God. I am not an apologist, but I would think that, in the eyes of the Church, there would be no marriage. As a parent, I would remind my child of this, and I would respond appropriately.
 
Would you really want to know the truth? What would that help with? I find that it would just create conflict. Trust me, I don’t like lying or pretending, but I don’t like arguments even more.
 
DOOPLE:

I was you 24 years ago. I married my husband, me being a catholic and he being a baptist … both of our families were heavily involved in their religions… neither of us were interested in our faith.

Well - about 8 years later - that changed. We had two beautiful girls … and changed the whole religion attitude.

I was more involved in my faith than he … so we eventually stopped visiting his church and just became immersed in the Catholic Faith. He just wasn’t into it.

The girls received the sacrements necessary for their age … were part of the Catholic Youth Organizations playing basketball and being a cheer leader …

We suddenly lost our youngest. She went to a three day environmental camp and never came back. She died at the age of 13 … the most beautiful child in the world …

mckaylageisinger.virtualmemorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=8668&page_no=1

If I didn’t have my faith — I would not still be here.

Pray about things … I will not say that it can’t work … but you will have more struggles having a mixed marriage - more so too from the in-laws.

My in-laws believe Catholics are going to hell …hopefully your inlaws don’t. They have been the source of great discource in our marriage … anytime we are together, never know what will be said or implied. Things haven’t gotten easier with the death of my KK.

I shall keep you in my prayers at Mass today … marriage is a huge step … I can’t imagine not having God as the center. Right now all you can think of is each other … eventually the embers die … and other things become center stage … will your foundation help you survive those?

Blessings,

Moe, Forever McKayla’s Mom
 
Even though we have not been together for long, almost 2 years, I can say that we are past the “passionate” stage and at this point wanting lifelong commitment which we’ve given each other but we want to make it a public statement - our commitment to each other.

But I am not closed to any religion, I just am honestly and desperately no longer interested, extreme protestantism has caused great psychological harm in my life, and it seems ok in this certain religion to just deny people’s feelings when they are hurt. That is why I left. I also no longer believed. I am not opposed or angry at anyone, I just want peace.
 
Doople said:
Even though we have not been together for long, almost 2 years, I can say that we are past the “passionate” stage and at this point wanting lifelong commitment which we’ve given each other but we want to make it a public statement - our commitment to each other.

But I am not closed to any religion, I just am honestly and desperately no longer interested, extreme protestantism has caused great psychological harm in my life, and it seems ok in this certain religion to just deny people’s feelings when they are hurt. That is why I left. I also no longer believed. I am not opposed or angry at anyone, I just want peace.
Click to expand...
**
Good luck with finding peace without HIM.

Blessings Doople.

Moe, Forever McKayla’s mom**
 
Doople said:
So, is there anything I can do (or not do) to make things better? I

tell the truth about your beliefs, your future plans, your wishes for your own wedding. Failure to be open about something as important as your fundamental beliefs is no way to keep relationships healthy. we are talking about 6 adults. Of course if you know going in that your ideal wedding will eliminate or make a mockery of what either set of parents hold dear, be prepared to pay for it yourself.
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
Doople said:
OK, I am getting married soon. Just as I believe funerals are for the living, weddings are for the family. I’ll do whatever to please them to give them happy memories and want them to be proud of me. My family is protestant, my fiance’s is catholic. The problem? We’re both atheist (or better, closet-atheist) There is no point in telling them, it would make them upset. What would you prefer as a parent? I want to make both sides of the family very happy. The wedding will be in a botanical park and my dog will be the ring bearer (if he can actually not eat the rings). So no church building or chapel to complicate things. What is expected of me? My fiance’s mom is a very liberal catholic and his dad is very conservative. Both my parents are conservative protestants. They all seem to be a bit open minded or at least “tolerant” of each other’s religions.

So, is there anything I can do (or not do) to make things better? I have decided not to try to not live with my fiance until we get married (even though financially its a strain to rent 2 apartments).

PS, my whole relationship is not centered around my parents, just the wedding is, since I think it is a time for them to be happy.
Click to expand...
You know I almost don’t know where to begin. While I admire that you want to respect both sets of parents and make them happy, the wedding is not meant to be centered “around the parents”. It’s about uniting the two people in a sacrament of the Church and not about cute things like “your dog carrying your rings”. Since you obviously don’t care about that I don’t think anything we can add would be anything you would be interested in.

In the future…keep listening…you may hear God call when you least expect it and find yourself “not an atheist” after all.

ps. - I love my dog, too
 
While weddings are family occasions and hopefully everyone enjoys themselves, the focus of a wedding is on the two people getting married.

Of course you want your parents to be happy at your wedding and proud of you. But I am uneasy about you being willing to do anything to make your parents happy and proud of you at that event. Think its fine to make small changes or concessions in non-essential aspects to achieve these goals but not to compromise on your basic beliefs.

You’ve talked about the venue of your wedding but not about who will be taking the wedding (Priest/Minister/Celebrant) and the form of the vows.

I would be very uncomfortable about anyone making vows to a God they did not believe in and I don’t think I would feel differently if it was a child of mine doing so. I was impressed at a family wedding when the bride who had no religious beliefs made non-religious vows while the bridegroom, who had very strong ones, made religious vows.

I would hope that the main thing that would make your parents happy at your wedding is that you are happy and being true to yourself.
 
I think it’s very considerate of you to be concerned about your parents and future in-laws.

Both my husband and I had always told our families our opinions on religion so they knew our wedding would be “different.”

My father was Catholic, I am Catholic (but had been away from the Church for years at the time of my marriage), my mother was raised baptist and is, I think, agnostic. The rest of my mother’s family is southern baptist. My father’s family are all Catholic but they live halfway across the country and we knew they wouldn’t come for the wedding.

My husband is Jewish and his parents are both Jewish.

In all honesty we knew that whatever we did at our wedding was bound to upset someone and that there was no way to please everyone so we decided to have the wedding we wanted.

We had an outdoor ceremony in a state park. The readings we used at the wedding were drawn from pagan and Native American religions. There were no Christian or Jewish elements at all.

My mother wisely stayed out of the planning stages of the wedding. The only thing she asked of me was that I wear a veil, which I didn’t want to do, but I agreed to do it for her. My husband’s mother wanted to run the show and was frustrated that we wouldn’t allow that. My husband had to pull her aside at the wedding and remind her that it was OUR day, not hers. After that, she was quiet.

I will add that we paid for the wedding ourselves as we were in our late thirties when we were married.

Three years after we were married, I came back to the Church and we had our marriage convalidated, which is something I don’t think my husband will ever tell his parents. Apparently in their world being Catholic is worse than being atheist or pagan.

Do the best you can with the differences in religion and don’t think it’s the end of the world if someone gets upset over some element of your wedding.
 
Personally, I want my child to be honest with me… even if I do get upset. And frankly, I don’t see how lying about your beliefs (or lack of) is going to make anyone happy. Let’s assume that you both remain atheists. Are you NEVER going to tell your parents? How long are you both willing to live a lie? How will they feel when they find out however many months or years down the road that you just “put on a show” for their sakes?

I can’t speak for the “conservative” Protestant parents, but surely the “conservative” Catholic parent isn’t exactly overjoyed at the wedding not being a valid Catholic ceremony held in a church. Right there is one person who might not be made happy by your arrangements. How far are you willing to go to make everyone “happy”?

Has your fiance formally left the Catholic Church? If not, I believe he is still bound to follow Church law regarding marriage and may have to request a dispensation to marry outside the Church, otherwise this marriage will be considered invalid by the Church. Now maybe that doesn’t matter to either one of you at this time, but should he ever decide to return to the Church (and should you decide to join him) it might complicate matters.

I think you all might just as well be honest from the outset and not give the people you love the most false impressions.
 
if i found out my child was atheist and made a mockery of what i believed in at a place i felt was sacred i would be furious :mad:.

i think it is better to tell your parents up front who you are and what you believe in 👍. this is a very important part of yourself and hiding this huge chunk of yourself isnt fair to you or your parents 🤷.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top