Parents; Would you quit drinking if your child asked you to?

[Kount_C]

Parents, would you quit drinking if your child asked you to? Your adolescent or teenage child. That is in the care and custody of your home. If he or she had told you it upset him/her, or he/she could not stand to have his or her environment or peace disturbed.

If he or she felt that, seeing a parent with mild intoxication, made that child feel stressed and uneasy. Would you consider quitting then ? Or help your child achieve what he or she considered a quality of life become enriched.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Yes. I would and in fact did.

When my wife (now legally ex and sacramentally never-was) decided to move out, my eldest asked me to not drink. There is a history of alcoholism in my family. She knew I loved my ex and saw how hard it was on me and was concerned that I might go along that path.

I told her no biggie if it would help her and my other kids to deal with the separation and ease concerns. I don’t need alcohol, it was a small gift I could give to my kids to help them through a very troubled time.

In other circumstances? If there was only social and not excessive drinking? I would really need to sit down with the child and find out what was the root of their concerns? Was it reasonable? You don’t normally allow the child to dictate what occurs in the home.

 

[KD8TZC]

I think it all depends on the situation.

First off, from an outsiders veiwpoint, we need to access the parent that the child is making this request to. Does this parent drink a little (meaning once in a great while), moderately or way too much?

Secondly, why is the child requesting this?

It would be my viewpoint that if the parent is drinking way too much, they may not think there is a problem. How do I know? I used to drink way to much and I never thought I had a problem. It caused issues and stress in the house and a loving parent would not do this to their children.

After years of my kids and wife asking, I did quit and I’m glad I did so.

I think if I was a parent who didn’t drink all that often and my child came to me and asked if I would quit, I should ask them why they are asking. There may be a bigger underlying question or issue. Maybe their friends mom or dad is a heavy drinker and they see what is going on and is fearful that may happen to them. It would be good to talk about those fears and to try and calm them if need be.

John

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

We don’t drink.

Early in our marriage we drank a lot. One night we were having an argument after one of us left the debit card at the bar. It was a minor issue and we made it a bigger one. No violence or screaming, just two drunks arguing a stupid point. We both looked at each other at the exact same time and realized that the ONLY reason we were fighting was because of the drinks we had. Since then, we have been a dry house. And we take great pride in it. Our family situation does not lend itself to drinking. I can not imagine drinking around my children. I home school them and am around them 24/7 literally.

Do I miss the drinking? Sure sometimes. But I love the cuddling with my children and the example and home life we provide for them way more.

 

[Avocadomom]

It would depend.

If the child was requesting we stop having a glass of wine or two with dinner, or a couple of beers on a Friday night - I would try to get to the root of his/her fear and alleviate it. I think a lot of kids get the “anti drug” message at school, which is well-meaning, but sometimes trumps up normal drinking into something negative. The kids then fear that their parents’ typical drinking habits constitute an addiction because the school portrays all alcohol use as problematic. Ultimately, my kids do not “call the shots” in my home, so if they were asking me to stop doing something that was reasonable, no I would not quit. Kids need to see examples of moderate, normal alcohol enjoyment.

If the child was addressing truly problematic drinking - being drunk around the kids, not handling responsibilities because of heavy drinking, not being able to get up the next morning, violence/abuse, or other inappropriate behavior caused by alcohol - then of COURSE I would quit.

Having said that, if I was at the point where my drinking was negatively impacting my life, I’d probably have a hard time simply quitting.

 

[EasterJoy]

Intoxication is not OK, and intoxication in front of your children is particularly not OK. The only intoxication that deserves to be called “mild” is intoxication that the child is not even aware of, intoxication that lets you know you should avoid driving and so on. If you’re “disturbing the peace” to a degree that is greater than your habit when you are not drinking, that’s not “mild” alcohol use. That is inappropriate alcohol use, because you are letting the use of alcohol impact other people negatively so that you can enjoy your liquor. In that sense, whether you are “intoxicated” or not hardly comes into it. It is the problem of letting your enjoyment make you into a real pain to someone else.

The child should never have to ask parents not to fight, not to get intoxicated, to not use foul language, and so on. If quitting is what it takes to keep sober, then yes, you have to quit, whether or not the child asks you to do it. You are modelling what the child will take as acceptable behavior. Keep the bar where it belongs.

If a child asks you to quit drinking because they* fear *you will become a problem drinker in spite of an obvious history of appropriate use, then no, I would not stop drinking. This is like asking me not to drive at night, not to get into an airplane, not to have a credit card, and so on. It is a request based on an inappropriate fear that will not be appeased by evidence to the contrary. If my child asked me to stop drinking because my child is afraid of the judgement of people who have a prejudice against all alcohol use, probably not then, either. There is a limit to what I’m willing to do to keep the mouths of busybodies shut.

Or help your child achieve what he or she considered a quality of life become enriched.

I don’t understand this part of the question.

 

[12345678]

If I was getting drunk, I should quit, child or no child. Saying a person"Quit Drinking" often has the connotation that a person used to get drunk and has now stopped drinking alcohol.

If my child gets upset because they see me drinking one beer or glass of wine, I would not stop drinking beer/wine, but I would address the issue with the child. It is not wrong/immoral/sinful to drink alcohol without getting drunk (in moderation); I would try to find out why they want me to quit all alcohol.

 

[marymary1975]

I don’t drink and I’ve never drank alcohol in my life. Not even a beer. I simply don’t like and can’t see the point in it. My husband’s parents (and his brothers neither) don’t drink at all just like me. My husband will have a beer very rarely but I think he is so used to be around non drinkers that he is not a fan of drinking either.

Having said that I agree with Easterjoy that intoxication in Front of a child is never acceptable. My mother used to drink a lot and I always hated it. Sincerely if an child has to ask a parent to stop that is signal of big problems in the family.

 

[Kelfa28]

That totally depends on the situation.
I believe there is a difference between drinking until one is intoxicated and enjoying a beer or a glass of wine with dinner.
Hubby and I like to enjoy a beer with our dinner at night, and yes, we will have it while eating with the kids.
Sorry, but I won’t give up an innocent creature comfort because it bothers my children…I can imagine this happening if the teen attended a health class at school and maybe misunderstood the difference between drinking to excess and enjoying one beer with dinner.

However, if a child observes the parent drinking until intoxication. Then that is a problem. No child should ever witness this. It’s confusing and scary. My husband and my father are both from families that have struggled with alcoholism. Neither have given up on alcohol but neither do they drink to excess.
I have never seen my father in any state of intoxication, ever. He never goes beyond one beer or one small glass of wine at dinner.
It was a very responsible way to show my sister and I that one could enjoy an adult beverage but to never drink to excess.
My husband is similar as he’s matured over the years. I have seen him intoxicated a couple of times when we were much younger and dating.
However, that has all changed the moment he became a father.

If a child asks this question, one should ask themselves why he/she is asking this question. Do I drink too much? Do my children see me drunk? How many times has this happened?

 

[on_the_hill]

Yes. I would.

 

[coll041652]

Parents, would you quit drinking if your child asked you to? Your adolescent or teenage child. That is in the care and custody of your home. If he or she had told you it upset him/her, or he/she could not stand to have his or her environment or peace disturbed.

If he or she felt that, seeing a parent with mild intoxication, made that child feel stressed and uneasy. Would you consider quitting then ? Or help your child achieve what he or she considered a quality of life become enriched.

I did for 7 years when asked. My oldest son had a drug/alcohol problem from 12-19, when dealing with this found out he had been watering down my alcohol drinking it before. So everything went into the sink and stayed alcohol free for all 7 years then another 13 years because of medications I was taking after he left home (sober finally). That was 1992-2013. Came off my meds and started social drinking again about 3 months later, 1-3 drinks in the evening. No problem at all.

 

[EasterJoy]

I did for 7 years when asked. My oldest son had a drug/alcohol problem from 12-19, when dealing with this found out he had been watering down my alcohol drinking it before. So everything went into the sink and stayed alcohol free for all 7 years then another 13 years because of medications I was taking after he left home (sober finally). That was 1992-2013. Came off my meds and started social drinking again about 3 months later, 1-3 drinks in the evening. No problem at all.

For this, I would ban every drop of liquor from the house, yes. If you can give a clean home to someone trying to stay clean, you do it.

 

[Corki]

I don’t drink and I’ve never drank alcohol in my life. Not even a beer. I simply don’t like and can’t see the point in it. My husband’s parents (and his brothers neither) don’t drink at all just like me. My husband will have a beer very rarely but I think he is so used to be around non drinkers that he is not a fan of drinking either.

Having said that I agree with Easterjoy that intoxication in Front of a child is never acceptable. My mother used to drink a lot and I always hated it.** Sincerely if an child has to ask a parent to stop that is signal of big problems in the family**.

To the bolded, not necessarily. It could be a reaction to something completely exterior. I was at a friend’s house one day when her kids came home from school. One of her kids started crying and in between sobs we heard “my mommy is doing drugs”. After getting her calmed down we found out that the school had a unit on drugs and included caffeine as a drug (coffee and tea). Her mom and I had been sipping our ice tea when the girl got home.

But, if after a long, rational conversation, the trigger is entirely in the family, then some kind of change is required.

 

[Avocadomom]

To the bolded, not necessarily. It could be a reaction to something completely exterior. I was at a friend’s house one day when her kids came home from school. One of her kids started crying and in between sobs we heard “my mommy is doing drugs”. After getting her calmed down we found out that the school had a unit on drugs and included caffeine as a drug (coffee and tea). Her mom and I had been sipping our ice tea when the girl got home.

But, if after a long, rational conversation, the trigger is entirely in the family, then some kind of change is required.

My little sister came home and told my mom, “I HATE WHEN YOU DO DRUGS!” (referring to having a glass or two of wine with dinner!) My mom had a strongly worded conversation with the teacher about what was described as “drug abuse” in the drug prevention program!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My little sister came home and told my mom, “I HATE WHEN YOU DO DRUGS!” (referring to having a glass or two of wine with dinner!) My mom had a strongly worded conversation with the teacher about what was described as “drug abuse” in the drug prevention program!

That poor teacher. Alcohol is the number one abused drug in the USA. What is a teacher to do. A simple conversation with the child by the parent can explain better than a teacher who does not know who is and who is not in drug abused households.

No need to scold a teacher!!!

 

[EasterJoy]

That poor teacher. Alcohol is the number one abused drug in the USA. What is a teacher to do. A simple conversation with the child by the parent can explain better than a teacher who does not know who is and who is not in drug abused households.

No need to scold a teacher!!!

It does depend on what the teacher is teaching. If the teacher said, “There is no such thing as appropriate use when it comes to alcohol or drugs that aren’t medicines,” then that was out of line. If the teacher said that daily use is abuse, that is inappropriate.

IOW, if the teacher is going beyond the curriculum and running their own little “Temperance Movement” in their classroom, they do deserve a strongly-worded response from parents.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

It does depend on what the teacher is teaching. If the teacher said, “There is no such thing as appropriate use when it comes to alcohol or drugs that aren’t medicines,” then that was out of line. If the teacher said that daily use is abuse, that is inappropriate.

IOW, if the teacher is going beyond the curriculum and running their own little “Temperance Movement” in their classroom, they do deserve a strongly-worded response from parents.

I don’t think a teacher would do that. But I suppose it is possible. I think it is important to teach children about the dangers of drug abuse and the biggest one abused is alcohol. It would seem to be an easy fix by the parent to clarify and add to what the teacher may be teaching with their children. Rather than let potential embarrassment rule the day and confront a poor teacher who is faced with children whose lives are in danger from alcohol abuse…

Same as if Mommy took painkillers for a chronic problem. A child may say something to the parent because of what they heard in class, but that parent should not run on down to the school and complain. In fact, that makes the situation appear worse. The old “When did you stop beating your wife?” conundrum

 

[pensmama87]

That poor teacher. Alcohol is the number one abused drug in the USA. What is a teacher to do. A simple conversation with the child by the parent can explain better than a teacher who does not know who is and who is not in drug abused households.

No need to scold a teacher!!!

Well, to be fair, children - especially very young ones - think concretely, and educators should have enough awareness of how their students’ minds work to think about how the materials are going to come across. I remember being told to “just say no” (which I was able to do rather easily, actually, but I was also nerdy enough that nobody ever offered anything to me ) and that included everything - alcohol, tobacco, and illegal substances. I don’t remember any caveats about “well, when you’re old enough, you can and it’s fine.” I was nervous for years any time we went to neighbors’ and relatives’ houses and my dad would have one beer (we never had alcohol in our home). The message had been drilled in pretty good.

I know it wasn’t just me, either, because one of the first things my much less scrupulous sister said when she visited me as an adult was express concern about how much alcohol we had in the house (a couple bottles of wine, a couple bottles of liquor, and a six pack in the fridge.) Of course, we had more in the basement leftover from our wedding, but we didn’t tell her that.

Come to think of it, we’ve been married well over four years now and I think we still have some of that left…

 

[Corki]

I don’t think a teacher would do that. But I suppose it is possible. I think it is important to teach children about the dangers of drug abuse and the biggest one abused is alcohol. It would seem to be an easy fix by the parent to clarify and add to what the teacher may be teaching with their children. Rather than let potential embarrassment rule the day and confront a poor teacher who is faced with children whose lives are in danger from alcohol abuse…

Same as if Mommy took painkillers for a chronic problem. A child may say something to the parent because of what they heard in class, but that parent should not run on down to the school and complain. In fact, that makes the situation appear worse. The old “When did you stop beating your wife?” conundrum

It’s very hard to “correct” what children have been “taught” in school without undermining the teacher’s authority. I actually think in this case, it would be much better to have a conversation with the teacher and give her a chance to make a correction to the class before telling your child, in effect, that the teacher is an idiot who doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s very hard to “correct” what children have been “taught” in school without undermining the teacher’s authority. I actually think in this case, it would be much better to have a conversation with the teacher and give her a chance to make a correction to the class before telling your child, in effect, that the teacher is an idiot who doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

I think it would be better to talk to the teacher privately. It is also the most realistic to assume the children have innocently put an “extra” interpretation on to what the teacher is saying or that a remark by a classmate that the teacher allowed to stand as the student’s opinion or experience was endorsed by the teacher as fact, because the teacher didn’t presume to correct the student.

For instance, an adult knows that someone can say
a) drugs and alcohol are addictive
b) addictions ruin lives
without concluding
c) if you use a drug or alcohol, you will become addicted to it

A student raises a hand for a clarification:
Do you mean that if you use drugs, you’re going to become an addict?
Now the teacher is in a mine field!
Say no, and the student will say, “Oh, so you are saying it is sometimes OK to use drugs”
Say yes, and the student will say, “Oh, so since my parents use alcohol every night, they’re addicts”

It is very important, in fact, to give the teacher feedback about what message the child finally took in as the “take home message.”

If the teacher’s real intended take-home message was extreme on the side of temperance, I’d have no problem correcting that.