Parents

[28562]

How do you deal with resentful feelings toward your parents? I have lots of them…mainly towards my Mom and I hate feeling this way about her, but I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t just make them go away, and she continually makes them worse.

I don’t have bad parents at all…but there are just things about my Mom that I absolutely can’t stand. I despise certain things about her. It’s to the point where I try to avoid being around her or even talking to her whenever I can. If she wasn’t my Mom, she is not someone that I would choose to associate with…ever. She can really be such a great person, but can also be the biggest pain in the butt I know.

Help me.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Pray for the willingness to forgive her. Resentment is anger because you feel you’ve been deprived of something. You might not appreciate the person your mother is, but the resentment is more rooted in what you feel you didn’t get in childhood. Remember that victims don’t recover. You can choose to see yourself as a victim or you can choose otherwise.

Once I was able to see that my sister and I had merely made different choices, that she did not cause my life to be what it was, my resentment of her, which had been part of my identity for over 20 years, simply disappeared. I give God the glory for that moment. I have compassion for my sister and what she’s been through. I still wouldn’t choose to live in the same house with her, but that’s another issue.

It feels really good to forgive someone you’ve resented for years.

Counseling can help with these issues.

 

[SMHW]

How do you deal with resentful feelings toward your parents? I have lots of them…mainly towards my Mom and I hate feeling this way about her, but I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t just make them go away, and she continually makes them worse.

I don’t have bad parents at all…but there are just things about my Mom that I absolutely can’t stand. I despise certain things about her. It’s to the point where I try to avoid being around her or even talking to her whenever I can. If she wasn’t my Mom, she is not someone that I would choose to associate with…ever. She can really be such a great person, but can also be the biggest pain in the butt I know.

Help me.

How shall I say this… In this post you come across as teenager whose mother won’t let him go someplace with his friends.

I don’t mean that as an admonishment. I just want to point out that you sound stuck in this relationship. …as if you aren’t an adult yet and your mother has control over you.

I have no idea how much of this is your mother’s doing, how much of it is your doing, and/or how much of it is just the circumstances of life. It’s normal for teens to feel some resentment towards their parents because teens have a natural desire to be adults. But most young people start to appreciate their parents once they actually do become independent and reach the age of 25 or so. At that point the resentments usually fall away. (And yes, most parents will have annoying habits that bother us for as long as they are alive but they don’t usually cause resentment.)

Does your mother still treat you as a boy? Has she made you into a surrogate husband? (She can do that even if she’s married.) Or are you still waiting for her to provide something that you need/want before you are ready to feel like her adult child rather than her teen child?

I have no idea if I am anywhere close to the mark. That is just what I am getting from reading your post.

 

[28562]

Lol…not a teen. A 27 yr old father of 3.5 kids.

TRJ, it’s not stuff from the past, for the most part. Sure, there are some things from the past, but the vast majority of things that I can’t stand are things that she does in the present. The list would be enormous if I tried to name them all. Here’s a few, and I can give more in depth examples if need be.

She is a very negative person. Can’t find positive in ANYTHING and complains non stop.
Always tries to put guilt trips on people, especially my wife and I.
Treats my dad like garbage.
Coddles my 22 yr old brother.
Jealous of my wife and I for being better off than they were at our age. (actually, we are probably better off than they are now, too)
Always tries to make people feel sorry for her, even though she creates most of her stress and problems. (remember when Raymond on Everybody loves raymond accused Debra of being a martyr?)
Is embarassing and sometimes rude. This is especially bad in church.
Jealous of anyone that my wife and I spend time with, like they might be ‘taking us way’ from her or something.
Constantly fishes for compliments.
Treats one of our kids different (worse) than the others.
Very controlling and can’t stand that she can’t control me and my family.

There is plenty more stuff…One of the very worst things is that I cannot talk to her about any of this. I have tried and she takes offense to anything she might perceive as criticism and denies wrongdoing or starts blaming her wrongdoing on things that happened to her.

 

[Peanut7949]

Don’t blame. Do what each parent asks of you… talk to them later if you have to. Live with my parents so it depends on your circumstances… start to show responsibility by paying for regular organic foods he and she usually gets such as carrots. Food, rent, transportation, electricity, everything else, that’s the order to pay for. Right now I’m working on admitting I am falling and making mistakes to Mother. Helps her to admit as well (later on I am sure). If you didn’t pay these things when you lived with them, help them by buying the organic groceries, because you should have been helping !! Today is the only day. Start with little gifts today, hugs, prayers, little gifts such as food or little investments that build up over time. God Bless

Congratulations on your newest edition to the family! they are all a blessing!

 

[KCT]

I have a friend who says praying the Rosary and developing a relationship w/ Mary helped her relationship w/ her mother.

Somehow she saw her mother differently.

 

[SMHW]

Lol…not a teen. A 27 yr old father of 3.5 kids.

I had actually read some of your other posts before I responded to you last time and figured out you were married. So I gathered that you weren’t a teen.

TRJ, it’s not stuff from the past, for the most part. Sure, there are some things from the past, but the vast majority of things that I can’t stand are things that she does in the present. The list would be enormous if I tried to name them all.
.
.
.
(remember when Raymond on Everybody loves raymond accused Debra of being a martyr?)
.
.
.

It’s interesting that the example you pull from Everyone Loves Raymond is about Debra because your mother sounds a lot more like Marie. In that show Marie tries very hard to keep her children as little boys who are dependent on her. The sons have a tendency to react to her like little boys. They love all the things she does or them but they really resent the way she tries to control them.

 

[28562]

I had actually read some of your other posts before I responded to you last time and figured out you were married. So I gathered that you weren’t a teen.

It’s interesting that the example you pull from Everyone Loves Raymond is about Debra because your mother sounds a lot more like Marie. In that show Marie tries very hard to keep her children as little boys who are dependent on her. The sons have a tendency to react to her like little boys. They love all the things she does or them but they really resent the way she tries to control them.

Yeah, I guess I could have saved a bunch of typing and just said she was like Marie…there *really *are a lot of similarities. But that one example of the ‘martyr’ episode is just another trait to add to it.

 

[SMHW]

I have a friend who says praying the Rosary and developing a relationship w/ Mary helped her relationship w/ her mother.

Somehow she saw her mother differently.

 

[Peanut7949]

I have a friend who says praying the Rosary and developing a relationship w/ Mary helped her relationship w/ her mother.

Somehow she saw her mother differently.

Yes, works. Subtle and good

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Lol…not a teen. A 27 yr old father of 3.5 kids.

TRJ, it’s not stuff from the past, for the most part. Sure, there are some things from the past, but the vast majority of things that I can’t stand are things that she does in the present. The list would be enormous if I tried to name them all. Here’s a few, and I can give more in depth examples if need be.

She is a very negative person. Can’t find positive in ANYTHING and complains non stop.
Always tries to put guilt trips on people, especially my wife and I.
Treats my dad like garbage.
Coddles my 22 yr old brother.
Jealous of my wife and I for being better off than they were at our age. (actually, we are probably better off than they are now, too)
Always tries to make people feel sorry for her, even though she creates most of her stress and problems. (remember when Raymond on Everybody loves raymond accused Debra of being a martyr?)
Is embarassing and sometimes rude. This is especially bad in church.
Jealous of anyone that my wife and I spend time with, like they might be ‘taking us way’ from her or something.
Constantly fishes for compliments.
Treats one of our kids different (worse) than the others.
Very controlling and can’t stand that she can’t control me and my family.

There is plenty more stuff…One of the very worst things is that I cannot talk to her about any of this. I have tried and she takes offense to anything she might perceive as criticism and denies wrongdoing or starts blaming her wrongdoing on things that happened to her.

You have to decide how much of her behavior is acceptable and in what context. You also have to decide how much power you are going to give her over your life. So she’s negative. So? Doesn’t have to change your mood or your behavior at all. There are difficult people in every area of life. You can’t change them. And if you allow them to suck you into their vortex, well, what have you gained?

Now that you have your list of Mom’s problems (and the rest of them if you want to list them ALL out), you know that you KNOW who she is. So do you expect a hippopotamus to become a kitten? Do you go to the hardware store to buy bread? Do you keep putting your bucket down into a dry well?

 

[holyrood]

How do you deal with resentful feelings toward your parents? I have lots of them…mainly towards my Mom and I hate feeling this way about her, but I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t just make them go away, and she continually makes them worse.

I don’t have bad parents at all…but there are just things about my Mom that I absolutely can’t stand. I despise certain things about her. It’s to the point where I try to avoid being around her or even talking to her whenever I can. If she wasn’t my Mom, she is not someone that I would choose to associate with…ever. She can really be such a great person, but can also be the biggest pain in the butt I know.

Help me.

I have struggled with some of the same things. ‘Good’ parents who I realized (my mother in particular) I wouldn’t choose to spend time with. In my case, it’s a big mess, but if we’re talking about just my mother, it’s many of the same things you listed–negativity, jealousy, criticisms of anyone and everyone, bitterness, self-pity, treating some of her grandchildren much better than she treats others. A sort of final blow, for me, is her criticisms of me to my face and behind my back to other people.

I agree with praying the Rosary. I have tried to regard Mary as my mother.

My answer, personally, has been to remove myself from my family because I just couldn’t take not only her, but the force of the entire family on my back giving me impossible hoops to jump through. If I were an only child or if my siblings were less influenced by her, I would probably be a dutiful daughter and give her a call now and again and bring her gifts on Mother’s Day and her birthday and Christmas. I would have done as Julianne suggested, and just reminded myself she is who she is, I’ll do the right thing and pay her a visit and give her a call, expect nothing from her, and when I hang up, go about my life with all the good things in it.

At a certain point, I had to acknowledge to myself that someone who is so negative and critical is not really a ‘good parent.’ Yes, she fed and clothed us. To me, that doesn’t rise to the level of good. I don’t mean to say that it’s good to become critical of our parents, but rather to see the situation more clearly, because before that, I think I was doing mental, emotional, and moral gymnastics trying to understand why I had a problem, and why I was so faulty, and trying to fix things and never succeeding and trying to love someone who behaved in very unloveable ways.

Once I acknowledged that, no, she really wasn’t a great mother, that she really was not behaving in a loveable way, I was able to stop beating myself up, I was able to stop taking her criticisms personally, I was able to stop feeling under attack and like I had to do something to make her happy and as if I was constantly failing at that; and that, amazingly, has really freed me to feel a little more compassion and forgiveness.

At this point, I can sincerely pray for her that she’ll find a little joy in life, that maybe she’ll get a few brief years of happiness with someone other than my dad, etc.

 

[Peanut7949]

I learned in Narnia from Aslan that we will never know what could have been… to only live for the day…

No offense, but some of the advice in here is not in the direction you want to go. You want to go towards happiness and moreover joy. Answer me this. What is the purpose of your question?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I have struggled with some of the same things. ‘Good’ parents who I realized (my mother in particular) I wouldn’t choose to spend time with. In my case, it’s a big mess, but if we’re talking about just my mother, it’s many of the same things you listed–negativity, jealousy, criticisms of anyone and everyone, bitterness, self-pity, treating some of her grandchildren much better than she treats others. A sort of final blow, for me, is her criticisms of me to my face and behind my back to other people.

I agree with praying the Rosary. I have tried to regard Mary as my mother.

My answer, personally, has been to remove myself from my family because I just couldn’t take not only her, but the force of the entire family on my back giving me impossible hoops to jump through. If I were an only child or if my siblings were less influenced by her, I would probably be a dutiful daughter and give her a call now and again and bring her gifts on Mother’s Day and her birthday and Christmas. I would have done as Julianne suggested, and just reminded myself she is who she is, I’ll do the right thing and pay her a visit and give her a call, expect nothing from her, and when I hang up, go about my life with all the good things in it.

At a certain point, I had to acknowledge to myself that someone who is so negative and critical is not really a ‘good parent.’ Yes, she fed and clothed us. To me, that doesn’t rise to the level of good. I don’t mean to say that it’s good to become critical of our parents, but rather to see the situation more clearly, because before that, I think I was doing mental, emotional, and moral gymnastics trying to understand why I had a problem, and why I was so faulty, and trying to fix things and never succeeding and trying to love someone who behaved in very unloveable ways.

Once I acknowledged that, no, she really wasn’t a great mother, that she really was not behaving in a loveable way, I was able to stop beating myself up, I was able to stop taking her criticisms personally, I was able to stop feeling under attack and like I had to do something to make her happy and as if I was constantly failing at that; and that, amazingly, has really freed me to feel a little more compassion and forgiveness.

At this point, I can sincerely pray for her that she’ll find a little joy in life, that maybe she’ll get a few brief years of happiness with someone other than my dad, etc.

Excellent testimony! Detach with love!

 

[Delaine75]

Sometimes it is difficult to love people, flaws and all. I think my teenage daughter can relate to your post. In all seriousness… just try to remember that no one is perfect. Pray for God to give you a kind heart toward your mom and to see the good things in her more than the things you don’t care much for. Don’t sweat the small stuff!

 

[Allegra]

I have a very difficult mother as well. I’d say 75% of my time in confession is focused on my relationship with her. It can be extremely frustrating. I want to have a good relationship with her and love her and all, but I don’t feel like I can talk to her about anything without being put down. Even if I confide in her about something that bothered me at work, she responds with “If you don’t like it then quit and starve but don’t make everyone else miserable with your complaining.” (However, when she had problems at her job, I would have to put the phone on speaker and set it on the table so my shoulder didn’t go numb she talked so long!) The only thing I have to offer is the pray about it and keep boundaries. If you find something that works better, let me know!

 

[AthenaC]

My answer, personally, has been to remove myself from my family because I just couldn’t take not only her, but the force of the entire family on my back giving me impossible hoops to jump through.

I moved to Alaska. That worked great.

Then I screwed it up by marrying a guy who made me move back to the Midwest.

In all seriousness, just detach as much as you can. You can’t keep pouring energy into a bottomless pit. Once I accepted that nothing I did would ever be good enough for her, I started holding myself to a different standard and became much happier. Once I accepted that I could bring home St. Joseph for a husband and she STILL wouldn’t like him, I stopped caring about what she thought of my husband(s). (On a side note, I also think those occasional posters who seriously think parents should pick their kids’ spouses should have their heads examined.)

 

[jazzy0710]

Lol…not a teen. A 27 yr old father of 3.5 kids.

TRJ, it’s not stuff from the past, for the most part. Sure, there are some things from the past, but the vast majority of things that I can’t stand are things that she does in the present. The list would be enormous if I tried to name them all. Here’s a few, and I can give more in depth examples if need be.

She is a very negative person. Can’t find positive in ANYTHING and complains non stop.
Always tries to put guilt trips on people, especially my wife and I.
Treats my dad like garbage.
Coddles my 22 yr old brother.
Jealous of my wife and I for being better off than they were at our age. (actually, we are probably better off than they are now, too)
Always tries to make people feel sorry for her, even though she creates most of her stress and problems. (remember when Raymond on Everybody loves raymond accused Debra of being a martyr?)
Is embarassing and sometimes rude. This is especially bad in church.
Jealous of anyone that my wife and I spend time with, like they might be ‘taking us way’ from her or something.
Constantly fishes for compliments.
Treats one of our kids different (worse) than the others.
Very controlling and can’t stand that she can’t control me and my family.

There is plenty more stuff…One of the very worst things is that I cannot talk to her about any of this. I have tried and she takes offense to anything she might perceive as criticism and denies wrongdoing or starts blaming her wrongdoing on things that happened to her.

I feel your pain 100%. My Mom is very similar to yours. However my issues with her go way deeper. There was a lot of verbal abuse toward me and my Brother and it damaged both of our psychological well beings. We both see Psychologists and it has helped a great deal. You have to set boundaries, that’s the main thing. If you don’t, you’ll be miserable.