Part 2 of "Should I confront or ignore my Little Brother?"

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[this is the second part of my post - sorry for the wordiness]

But recently I heard a radio program, The Doctor Is In, with Dr. Ray Guarendi on Relevant Radio. My wife and I have always loved the show and respected Dr. Ray’s opinion. He mentioned something about never shunning anyone or refusing to talk to them. It was in the context of a problem between a father who refused to talk to his daughter after what she did to him. I don’t know if my situation is different. I don’t want to put my small children in jeopardy by continuing a relationship with someone who I can’t trust now and may in fact be dangerous (if on drugs, for example). Yet of course I don’t want to wrongly shun him if Jesus forbids that. I want to do the right thing!

What do you all think the right thing is in this case? If I do call him back, what do I say? Do I lay it all on the table and redefine the scope of the relationship? How does he earn back my trust?

I want to help him but I know I can’t help him if he doesn’t want help. And since he’s not apologizing or asking for help, does that not show that he in fact does not want help? I am confident that my probing questions and my lack of communication with him (I had always called him back immediately, until this incident) have sent the clear message to him that I know he’s been lying. So his clear message to me is that he know’s I know and he’s not going to do anything to address the issue. For all he knows, we could have died and that’s why we’re not calling back. But no, he doesn’t think that because he knows why I’m not calling back. If he was worried about us at all, he would be calling to check on our well being.

Help, please. What should I do? Thanks in advance for any and all advice.
 
Rejoice said:
[this is the second part of my post - sorry for the wordiness]

But recently I heard a radio program, The Doctor Is In, with Dr. Ray Guarendi on Relevant Radio. My wife and I have always loved the show and respected Dr. Ray’s opinion. He mentioned something about never shunning anyone or refusing to talk to them. .
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If this person is a potential danger to your children then don’t contact him. Your children’s safety comes first. With all due respect, I don’t think that the Dr’s advice about never refusing to talk to someone in your family is correct. What if you have a family member who is a child abuser or violent? Not all family problems are the result of miscommunication or stubborness. Some people are just seriously messed up and can do physical harm to their loved ones.
 
Does the Big Brother organization have any guidance on this? I cannot imagine that this is the first case of this kind. In fact, I find it incredible that you were not prepped about things like how you provide financial assistance, such as college tuition . . . I would go to BB for counsel.

Meanwhile, if you have reservations about the safety of your children, even if they should later prove to be ungrounded, I would advise not placing them in any situation which could construe as possibly becoming dangerous.

That said, the best experience in my daughter’s life was being reglarly exposed to her drug addicted, alocholic aunt. It was a powerful lesson in “Don’t go there.”
 
I probably should have said before that I opted out of the Big Brother program after about our third year of being matched because we never had any problems and so didn’t need the help of the counselors that they provide as a resource for any issues that might come up. The counselors, in fact, used to regularly call to check up on us. It was and I assume still is a very well run program. I just figured that opting out of the program would free up our case worker to have more time to work with other cases.

I suppose I could still meet with James but just not in a situation that included my children, I don’t know. Where do you draw the line between caution and charity?
 
I read both your posts.

I think you are right to be hurt that he took the money and lied. But, I think you did not handle it properly by just not returning his phone calls. This is a passive-aggressive response.

This is an opportunity to teach this young man right from wrong by confronting him directly about it. This is an opportunity to show disappointment but also compassion. He may have had none of these things in his life-- moral guidance, someone who would draw a line in the sand, but yet would also stand by him and wait to see if he will live up to the expectations.

I’d cal him and offer to meet somewhere like a local coffee shop to talk. I wouldn’t ask for the money back but I would tell him that you know what he did and that it’s wrong. That you have been there for him and are disappointed in him. That you will be there to help him in non-financial ways if he needs a friend. Find out what’s going on in his life. Maybe you can help direct him in a positive way.

Then, see if he has remorse or takes his life in a positive direction. There is no reason to expose your children to him or your family to more manipulation. Some people are born manipulators and it may turn out that you do discontinue this relationship-- but be man enough to tell him straight up when the time comes. He probably doesn’t get much of that.
 
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